I haven't done a journal entry in almost a week......

So many moods I have and so many things do traipse through my head like thieves in the night. My life isn't what I want it to be. I want what I know I cannot have and I need things that I cannot ascertain.My wits are shattered and my mind can only dream up the jaunts of the future to escape its own desolation. New Orleans screams to me in my dreams and my waking moments it wants me back and I so want to bury myself in its bosom and feel comforted and protected like a child in its mothers arms once again.

I'm not seeing who I was and who I am nowadays.Maybe its because I have done more harm than good in my 28 years of life.Or its because I dropped my assertive nature for one of that of a doormat. I used to be a bad motherfucker but I think I traded it to age and got screwed in the deal. Who I once was truly would have looked down on who I am now. I was arrogant,cocky and ignorant to others but now I am the opposite by many leaps and bounds.I am a foolish and immature person who craves solitude but complains of that fate and being all alone. I'm no longer seeking sex and that freaks me out when I rely on myself and myself alone for the absolution of that aspect of human nature and development. I'm a clusterfuck of irrationality and tangents leading nowhere. One day this will end as will all other things in life and even life itself. Wish I could be like Jack Kerouac and hit the road and experiment with reality itself but I made promises to myself that the drugs stopped years ago and the temper went with them. Ask yourself would you have wanted to know me when I was no more than a doped out thug? When I used to get so drunk and wasted I wouldn't lose hours I'd lose days? When I had everything laid out for me and I pissed it all away for nothing more than liquor and illicit drugs?

I played football in high school and in one season set a record and got a free ride to college and I managed to play 9 games and get kicked out of school. I managed to do Europe and most of it I can't remember cause I was coked out,smoked out and dropped out. I was a mess on wheels and now I am just a shell of something that could have been.....A wanderer with no place to go and nomad without a home and a wolf alone with no pack like the necklace I wear around my neck.

Work is the enslavement of ones self into a role they are either skilled at or unfufilled with.I am the later. I am in charge of deliveries and hiring of new employees for deliveries which as of late they either last a night or two and never come back or claim they are looking for work and never show up to interview in the first place leaving me with one person interviewed and no option but to hire them even if I know they are worthless because I have a boss who feels it pertinent to routinely flaunt his homsexuality like a badge of honor. Now I don not find myself homophobic but I do find myself to be a realist in the matter of what one does in the privacy of ones bedroom or home with someone who is of age or the same mindset to be their business and they do not deserve any special treatment because of that. If they want to be married so be it they can take the same responsibility as their peers in that effect and whatnot. I shan't judge them by their proclivities. He feels as if he should pour more responsibility upon those of us who haven't wised up and moved onto better jobs with less shitastic hours but refuses to up the pay. He feels it necessary to talk down to any and everyone constantly and I am not one to take that lightly an I constantly find myself clenched fisted and ready to make a stab at dropping him like a tree in the woods. My rage at this person makes me alit with remorse that some true aspects of my former self have yet to find themselves in this incarnation of self.......I just find myself frustrated and aggitated to no end as I am in a position that I cannot go up or down or even side to side in.True dead-end and the money as of late has stunk fiercely. My sleep has been tormented by nightmares of work of neverending orders of loud obnoxious drunks and of riding till my knees ache and my back is no more than a throbbing bastion of misery......nightmares and nightscapes my friends.

I have a hard time finding joy but an easier time finding mind-numbing distractions at all ends.

Tickets for my trip to New Orleans are in hand and I need this for self and for sanity.Los Angeles shall soon follow in September with Europe appearing possibly in the spring. I need to go on the road for awhile....west is best.