Well when I started posting a journal I was all sunshine and giggles well I think I am in a bad mood as of late with the holidays and whatnot and my own personal issues plus work sucking ass BIG time right now......

Lemme explain.....

Holidays have ALWAYS sucked for me since I was 16 years old when my "mom" told me that my life up till then was basically a lie.It wasn't like "Honey,we have something to tell you that you should know." it was more like this.... "I am so glad you are not my son!" an then my world went insane. I "moved out" of the house and into the apartment above the garage and things never were the same again....not that my "mother" and I were ever truly close....I was just a replacement to her that wore off its novelty faster than a hiccup. It opened a Pandoras Box to a life I never knew I had at an age I couldn't recall much but looking back I always had dreams of a night that would alter my life and I wouldn't know it for 16 years.
The story begins an ocean away in a land that I always had a fascination with since I could remember. On September 19th 1977 in London,England I was born to a 17 year old Irish girl named Ariel from a well-off family from Mallow and her 19 year old Croatian drugdealer boyfriend named Ivan an all around good kid gone wrong from a poor family in the port town of Split,Croatia.Opposites at their core but alike in addictions and afflictions.Theirs was a truly doomed relationship from the start.....an addict shacking up with her dealer and trading sex for a high can only go one way now can't it?
Months go by and many highs are had and many lows follow as the drug wears itself out and all thats left is misery and the earning of another high. I was the product of this....I was "the seed".By all rights I should be dead or at least had a million birth defects and issues....but the way I look at it a double cleft palate and a double cleft lip are a small price to pay for surviving irresponsibility of a lost youth but they all pale in comparision to the events of one night in December 1978. The night was December 17th and that night....the actions of a 19 year old loser changed my life in ways I couldn't fathom at 15 months old but they'd have repercussions on me for the rest of my life.
That night my father shot my mother 5 times in the back and head as she tried to run away.After she went down and didn't get back up he poised himself over my crib and pointed that gun at me as I lay screaming and as his finger pulled that trigger the grace of some divine power it jammed and I dodged another "bullet" in my life. The detective who lived across the hall managed to put a shot in his back and dropped him where he stood.
A "man" would NEVER do such things would he? A "man" would NEVER kill his own......Would justice take his life for such things? Should they? I think he should have died at the hands of the British judicial system. But sometimes we don't get what we want....we don't get the solution we need.....Murder.....cold-blooded simplistic murder....an attempted murder of a person who could never even defend themselves.....I didn't die that night.I felt nothing.I was left without a scratch.My father was spared death at the hands of the British government and was givien life in prison.....but 16 years later I died and was reborn.James W Vis II was no more I knew my real name Shaglan Alexandr Vixe...all because of one womans inane vanity and cold-blooded matriarchal tyranny finally exposed the truth. But I had to know the whole story of me....It was not until nearly 20 years after that night that I lay awake in my bed in a London houseshare a million miles away from Milwaukee that I recieved a phone call I had not ever knew I would recieve. My world expanded a bit that day as I found the one woman who could piece thiat lay scattered in my psyche I was found by my grandmother. An it was her who set me up to finally meet the man who destroyed so much of me that I never knew existed. The man was a resident of Long Lartin Prison outside Evasham in Worcestershire. It was from an unlikely source that I found out his location....My maternal grandmother, the woman who lost a child to this bastard had told me of this.
My eyes laid upon a man who tore from this world a mother and nearly took me as well but years had pounded him not to anything other than a fool who only came up with excuse after excuse and I then did something I never knew I could do I told him I hated him and I wished he would have died and I wished I had never had laid eyes upon this pathetic man and I left saying nothing more.2 weeks later he was found dead in his cell a noose around his neck. My last words a bitter irony or maybe just what would have been expected of me anyways......Its this time of year that makes me saddened to know that I won't know my mom instead I get a woman who has basically told me that she could care less about me cause I am a failure. I guess success is determined by how much money you make and how fucked up your personal life is....I have 4 older brothers and they are all assholes in my opinion.I have 5 sisters and I can only stand one of them and she's so far away right now (Wisconsin ironically attending the college I got kicked out of way back when.)
My "Dad" on the other hand is and will ALWAYS be my dad an in many ways my best friend.....normally,I just stay away and with reason but now that I have gone through what I have gone through in the last couple months I feel totally isolated. My dad is with my "mom" in Germany till spring and I really don't know anyone in Philadelphia.....I miss New Orleans and I miss my life there. I miss working at the Voodoo Shop and being my own boss an not having anyone tell me what to do. I miss my little apartment and the silence in it. I want my life back.....I hate my job right now. They take me off Security cause its winter (I get $50 for 4 hours an I worked 3 days a week guaranteed) now I am stuck on deliveries 6 days a week making $25+ tips a day.....More work for less money...YAY! I gotta find another job allready!

I just want to curl up and watch some movies that I rented today......
"Creep"

"Cry Wolf"

"School Of Rock"

I live....I try....I live.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

UPDATE

Tonight after work I will post a new entry...Drama insured!