so this weekend pretty much rocked...though it did have its ups and downs

first off, I like Charlotte so much better than Richmond, well I like the city of richmond better but I love all my people in Charlotte...
So the practice/jam at the Ritter House was great... managed to write a complete new song, mostly by myself... thats a new one for me
then Show at Ritter House was great... just turned into a house party, though Brand did loose it on a few people, especially the chick who lost acid in a house run by streight edge people, oh well... but the shows were amazing, and generally cool to hang out
down side- I left the show early to go see some other friends, who were pretty much just chillin out on the prch and drinking... and this is where I was molested... why can't gay guys just acept that I'm streight?
so sunday I was hungover as hell, but returned to the Ritter house to help clean up... to find that it had already been done, but the finishing touches on the new song and now it sounds great, just have to get Chris in on it so we can have something new to post
eventually left Ritter house and somewhere down the line made it to Uptown Cabaret for a good time... I fell in love with a stripper, so its a good thing she didn't give me more atention or I would have walked out of there broke...
that actually surprises me saying I gnerally don't like strip clubs


so now I'm back in Richmnd, tired, hungry...but the weekend rocked

Working with old people is so frustrating

My grandfather is a pain in the ass
I mean I do appreciate the fact that he's giving me a job, and really setting me up for the rest of my life, but damn I want to be the grandfather one day so I can be a he pain in the ass for no reason

But I guess I should calm down… it is going well

My favorite thing to do has to be selling jobs to hot middle aged women
I know they'll give the job if that's who I'm selling to


I'm ready also for my trip to Charlotte this weekend… pretty stoked actually
So until then

I'm ganna try and not be pissed off

So I guess once again I'm going o start this up


I've been gone, not having my own place, I hate it... not fully ever able to take my gard down... perpetually the guest. Oh well... one of these days...

So in Richmond I try and fight for my place to fit, not the square but find my round hole, or something like that

I've been feeling pretty emo here lately.... but on a brighter note, Saw super bad last night, and it made me think of everything from about 16 to 19 that I went through

man I'm growing up... I've always known it, but its fun to look back sometimes

I miss you, and I'm lonely

this too will pass

you're the box of matches
and I fumble for a grip
the self proclaimed lush


why do I always like the girls that are no good for me? I need to move on, at least for a little while....but I don't know if I can
in some one else's words, I'm playing with fire
so as I drink in the early afternoon....the diner redoux

I'm so fucking tired...today has been so long
its 3 am, and I want more than coffee, but the 2 35 in change in my pocket reminds me thats all I'm getting.
Candi seems a nice enough girl. Busting her ass for change. its hard to be on the night shift.
Roots showing up long ago she still has a smile for those around her, even if it doesn't quite toch her eyes...I wonder what shes going through. She can't be much older than 20, maybe 22.
Damn, my last cigerette. Someone will bum me one in a little bit, but I hate to bum a smoke. I'm to damn pround for my own good.
why does it have to be so fucking cold outside?
I wish there was a way for me to stand above the other drunks....its not all fucking green pastures here either.

I suck at makeing a first move, to proud yet to insecure at the same time, I wonder who has a theroy for that one.

this much coffee gives me heart burn. shes kinda cute with her random strands of hair faming her face

writting doesn't help anymore....I need to go home, these floresnt lights don't make my head feel anybetter, nor the neon from the door

this much coffee isn't good for me
I've been gone to long

I love the music from Pan's Labyrinth
the way the lulaby was started shocked me with how wonderful it was

I want to learn to write music like that

so I need to start figuring out where I want to go to school, I'll prob stay in SC but I need to find a roommate so I can get out of this house....moving back home was a good idea at the time, but I'm just to used to living on my own
I tihnk I'm going to aply to wintrop first and just start taking music comp and theroy classes, and other prerecs
so I have untill april really

but I do need to get started

I feel like I may know what I want to do...as for it being a smart choic I'm not so sure, but here it goes anyway


I'm going to go to school and study music, and eventually compose orcestral peices
I think I could do it. I already have a passion for music, I just need disipline in it
I think it would make me happy, being in school and for music, even if it is mostly theory classes

the question now is to where do I go and can I get into school anymore, three years off isn't so hot for getting back into the swing of things, and failing half of my last simester at Case, sure I haed the place, and sure I was depressed as hell, but not so good for me...damn

I hate cold weather...I need to become a world traveler so I can go into the southern hemisphere when winther comes

so I can go any where I want, right? then why am I stuck here in this state of confusion?
once again I'm saying things that I've only said over and over agin the last few years...I need to find people that are intresting my own age, I need to figure out what I want, I need a good job so I'm not always wondering about money and if I have any, I need so much

After Maria I was happy to be alone for a while, well I'm over that now, so I throw myself into these situations that aren't good for me.
so the questions
where should I go
back to school? to Richmond? to school in Richmond?
stay near home? what if mom gets sick again? will I be close enough? oh lord don't let her be dying
thers always St. Louis....jenny could get me a job, eventually go to school out there
Or go out west with Ashley, how long untill I fall in love with her and she breaks my heart? how long untill I realize I'm only wasting money again in a strange town full of strangers?

where's the woman of my dreams? I'm ready for her

I can only sit so long and not feel like I'm not going anywhere

yes I know 21 is young but I feel like I'm wasting my youth...everyone I know is graduationg or on the 5 year plan or something

god damned depression...leave me alone, let me sleep at night again, let me breath, let me live


going to a bar alone is so depressing too, and why do only men hit on me...I'd love to be picked up by a woman, damn if I only had the nearve or the small talk to go up to someone

I hate small talk bullshit...I want to get to know you, get down to whats real
I just want to get to know you, who ever you are, I just don't want to be alone

I just remebered the song from An American tale...the little girl mouse sings..."some where out there...."

I wish I had it in me to cry



I feel so alone these days, I just don't want to be alone anymore

I need a new hobby....alll I do anymore is work. I don't even take the time for a drink anymore


I hate cold weather, it always brings me down, that and my immune system isn't to happy with it either

I feel the road calling me
I can't sit still this long
the gypsy blood just beckons me on

I've been to long in this house
I still love those of you here
I just loath this feeling of sitting still

where am I going?
I don't know but
rest asured
I'll get there on top

I'm writting here because I don't really think any one will see

I'm tired of this life I'm leading...but I don't know how to change it
I'm tiered of being depressed as hell...I can hide it so well, but its always there
and I hate feeling emo for just wanting to write some thing out but social sterotypes are coming down on me
I'm 21 and lost completely
I work with all these high school kids or kids in their first or second year of school
I don't fit in, but I can have fun and pretend I'm ok


I think I just relized why I was thinking bout high school tonight...work is just like high school was....me jumping around having fun and as soon as I leave its back to being depressed as hell
its all an act, and its wearing me out

I feel like I don't know how to act my own age, but its been so ong since I've just chilled with peopel in my peer group
the only people I ever meet are ones I work with, now they are to young, before they weren't the type of people i'd chill with
in RIchmond it was family ...everyone getting married, and that sets them apart from me, and I didn't get along really all that well with the other kids... I was raised to diffrently

I need a good cry or something