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In Future News: 1000 Turkmenistanians Found Unexplainably Crushed in Large Puddle
In the country of Turkmenistan, President Niyazov has launched an unexpected project. Despite its hot weather and struggling economy, Niyazov has announced that his country will construct an ice palace large enough to house 1,000 people. Obviously, this is a challenging if not mad project likely to receive harsh criticism from the non-dumbass community. This, however, is unlikely to happen since as described by the CIA website, "President NIYAZOV retains absolute control over [Turkmenistan] and opposition is not tolerated." Whether this is accurate or not, the desert country's top ice architects say that they have all confidence in the success of the project, mouthing the words "Help us!" while helplessly gesturing at the inhibitor collars set to detonate should they fail to conquer the laws of thermodynamics.
During a TV broadcast, Niyazov told his people that when the ice palace is completed, "Our children can learn to ski! We can build cafes there, and restaurants!" Presumably, he then pressed a button on his chest console to drop an icicle cage around the production crew and told them, "I'm afraid your usefulness to me has ended, gentlemen. Freezoid Soldiers! Put them on ICE!" And with a sweep of his cape and his arms thrusting skyward, he laughed, "The gods themselves will fear our frosty might!!!" Reports that his Cryo Boots then rocketed him away on an ice glider could not be substantiated.
There is no word yet on Niyazov's plans after the ice palace is built, but there is a lot of buzz about the president's idea for a spaceship that turns sand into singing money, and his schematics for Milkbrella 78, the umbrella made out of milk.
In the country of Turkmenistan, President Niyazov has launched an unexpected project. Despite its hot weather and struggling economy, Niyazov has announced that his country will construct an ice palace large enough to house 1,000 people. Obviously, this is a challenging if not mad project likely to receive harsh criticism from the non-dumbass community. This, however, is unlikely to happen since as described by the CIA website, "President NIYAZOV retains absolute control over [Turkmenistan] and opposition is not tolerated." Whether this is accurate or not, the desert country's top ice architects say that they have all confidence in the success of the project, mouthing the words "Help us!" while helplessly gesturing at the inhibitor collars set to detonate should they fail to conquer the laws of thermodynamics.
During a TV broadcast, Niyazov told his people that when the ice palace is completed, "Our children can learn to ski! We can build cafes there, and restaurants!" Presumably, he then pressed a button on his chest console to drop an icicle cage around the production crew and told them, "I'm afraid your usefulness to me has ended, gentlemen. Freezoid Soldiers! Put them on ICE!" And with a sweep of his cape and his arms thrusting skyward, he laughed, "The gods themselves will fear our frosty might!!!" Reports that his Cryo Boots then rocketed him away on an ice glider could not be substantiated.
There is no word yet on Niyazov's plans after the ice palace is built, but there is a lot of buzz about the president's idea for a spaceship that turns sand into singing money, and his schematics for Milkbrella 78, the umbrella made out of milk.
OCTOBER 2004
SEPTEMBER 2004
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AUGUST 2004
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