If you need me I'll be in Shanghai.
My work is sending me as we're launching the expansion for our fantastic game and China finally gets a crack a crack at our beloved Lich King.
Heard plenty of horror stories and laughed off numerous jokes that my tall and dashing self will be kidnapped and whisked away to some Chinese breeding camp designed to produce basketball players.
I'll be ready.
THINGS I KNOW ABOUT CHINA
Now, I don't pretend to know who these Chinese people are - I know they're small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they're just like you and me. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I can't take on a billion of them..
...and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.
Whilst there I'll be wrangling cats (overseeing 600 people), enjoying the dangerous night life with scary food, and hunting the streets for tailored suit vendors.
Everyone send Annika their love because damned if she's not going to be missing me (and I her).
If you need me I'll be in Shanghai.
My work is sending me as we're launching the expansion for our fantastic game and China finally gets a crack a crack at our beloved Lich King.
Heard plenty of horror stories and laughed off numerous jokes that my tall and dashing self will be kidnapped and whisked away to some Chinese breeding camp designed to produce basketball players.
I'll be ready.
THINGS I KNOW ABOUT CHINA
Now, I don't pretend to know who these Chinese people are - I know they're small, maybe 1 or 2 feet high! I know they sound funny when they talk, I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas! But underneath their scales, they're just like you and me. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I can't take on a billion of them..
...and I don't know what to do with him. At least I think it's a him. You've got to strip them down to next to nothing before you could even tell.
Whilst there I'll be wrangling cats (overseeing 600 people), enjoying the dangerous night life with scary food, and hunting the streets for tailored suit vendors.
Everyone send Annika their love because damned if she's not going to be missing me (and I her).
If you need me I'll be in Shanghai.
Would probably be more active around here if SG would put out a damned mobile version of the site.
Suppose you can stalk me on Facebook or Twitter. OR follow the ridiculous things I say out loud by reading the terrible things Annika keeps tracking here.
Right, picture time.
EDIT - Yeah, what you cant see is me wearing these authentic metal cowboy revolvers in a holster that I just wanted an excuse to wear in public. With a skeezy mustache.
Suppose you can stalk me on Facebook or Twitter. OR follow the ridiculous things I say out loud by reading the terrible things Annika keeps tracking here.
Right, picture time.
EDIT - Yeah, what you cant see is me wearing these authentic metal cowboy revolvers in a holster that I just wanted an excuse to wear in public. With a skeezy mustache.
I had to rip, edit, and upload this myself as the world had thus far failed in sharing it with...the world.
(Youtube fucked up the beginning of it, NOT I!)
(Youtube fucked up the beginning of it, NOT I!)
Zeno Clash is an amusing new title developed by a small group of devs in Chile where you play a whacky looking man that must violently bash his way past every living creature he encounters in order to...save Spring Break Christmas or something. Point being; I had to rip this clip from the game as it's far too amusing not to share.
and that is what Armenia did...
and that is what Armenia did...
Videodrome of Karate Beach!
"No, it's happening again! Damn this Cthulhu curse, I'm inhaling these fine party people into my soul annihilating chasm of death!"
"No, it's happening again! Damn this Cthulhu curse, I'm inhaling these fine party people into my soul annihilating chasm of death!"
I rarely ever if ever give a good god damn about any of the user reviews on Netflix but for some surly reason this grizzled old bastard caught my eye and it's become one of my favorite things EVER to read his disgruntled views.
Roger Angle: Suck it, Ebert!
Great Expectations
1.0 Stars
Unbearable, and worse yet I remember now that I rented it once before. I didn’t believe one word or one frame or one image of this boring, pointless movie. (SPOILER ALERT) The escaped convict pops up out of the water? Yeah, right. And the kid doesn’t tell anyone? Yeah, right. And the kid goes back with the bolt cutters? Yeah, right. And he doesn’t tell the cops? Yeah, right. None of this works for me. There is no through-line, no narrative hook, no interesting characters, no moral dilemma, no story problem, just one static scene after another. I can't believe I turned off “The Simpsons” for this. And I don't even like "The Simpsons."
Psych: Season 1 (4-Disc Series)
1.0 Stars
Maybe it's the style of this TV series that I hate. I do like the idea of it. The main character isn't really psychic, he's just so much more observant than anyone else. I like that, because I've always been like that myself. But the pace is so slow, and the tone is so goofy, and the characters are so dull that I couldn't get interested. I didn't last long. Dull, dull, dull.
Avenger
1.0 Stars
Nonsensical movie about a guy who kills three pimps in Juarez or someplace like that, in the credit sequence, and then reappears as a smart lawyer who then hunts for a missing rich kid in Bosnia. Bereft of imagination. Lacks focus. What is the story? We are supposed to be intrigued and thrilled, I guess. Not me.
The Devil's Advocate
2.0 Stars
Good at first and awful by the end. Becomes an elaborate and yet simple-minded diatribe against lawyers. Too bad, because the elements are there for a really good old fashioned straight-ahead movie. The director and writers put their message ahead of what could have been a good story. I like the idea of a lawyer selling his soul for success. (SPOILER ALERT) I don’t like Satan raping women and having people killed. I don’t like people turning into monsters and poor innocent Maryann suffering while her husband sells his soul to the devil. It’s a question of tone and sensibility. I felt too much sympathy for Maryann. My verdict: disgusting.
Californication: Season 1 (2-Disc Series)
1.0 Stars
All this talk about oral sex seems tacky to me. And the main character? Unbearable. I have little or no sympathy for a highly paid Hollywood writer who can't write. It's like a hooker who has an allergic reaction to money. And there is no real problem here, no mountain to climb, except for this self-indulgent crybaby getting over himself.
Waitress
1.0 Stars
Deadly dull, about a beautiful waitress who hates her husband, but she makes great pies. Her big dilemma: she's knocked up. I couldn't bring myself to give a hoot.
True Lies
5.0 Stars
More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Outrageous stunts, non-stop action, hilarious humor in almost every sequence, and Jamie Lee Curtis is hot, especially in her dance number. The story idea is brilliant: super spy Harry Tasker, who is even more of a stud than the original James Bond, lies to his wife and convinces her that he is a boring computer salesman. She flirts with a fake spy who is really a used-car salesman. Brilliant writing, directing, acting. All first-rate.
There Will Be Blood
1.0 Stars
Unbearable. Excruciating. So slow. No story, no dramatic tension, no dramatic questions. At first we see a man swinging a pickax in a hole in the ground. He seems to be getting nowhere. His pickax bounces off the rocks and small sparks fly. Who cares? Not me. Then he does a series of really stupid things. Is the movie supposed to be about stubbornness and stupidity? I guess. I started fast-forwarding. It didn't hold my attention enough to find out. A friend told me this movie should be called "There Will Be Boredom." I agree.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
1.0 Stars
Nobody could be that stupid, not to be able to put on a condom. Nobody. And being nice and nerdy is not a good enough reason to be a virgin. He should have had a series of failed relationships, or some trauma or something. I met a woman who had been married for eight years, and when she got divorced, she was still a virgin. Now THAT is a story. This movie is way too bland and boring and stupid. Nyet. Nein. Nada.
50 First Dates
1.0 Stars
Boring and juvenile. Made for 12-year-olds, who would probably like it. Not made for my demographic -- white male, over 60, master’s degree, professional writer. I found it way too dumb to watch.
The Illusionist
1.0 Stars
I found this movie so annoying I couldn’t stand it. We’re supposed to be interested in this guy sitting on the stage sweating and not moving and looking as if he is trying to take a big dump. Constipated. That’s how I’d describe this movie. The attitude of the filmmakers toward their material and toward the audience is off somehow. We are supposed to be worshipful just because it’s on the screen, I guess. I lasted about ten minutes and then started to fast-forward. His relationship with the girl seemed like total hokum, too. I gave up.
Batman Begins
1.0 Stars
The opening fight scene is ludicrous. Nobody who can fight like that would let himself get hit that hard. It’d break all the bones in your face. So the movie starts out on a false note. Then it gets worse. This dopey guy in a business suit comes to the prison and we find out Bruce Wayne is in this Chinese hell-hole prison by choice. Yeah, right. What a big slice of baloney. Then it exhausts Bruce Wayne to climb the mountain. Wait. He can fight seven tough guys at once and the guards rescue the other guys, but he can’t climb a mountain? More baloney. This movie must be for kids. I get tired of movies for seven-year-olds. The League of Shadows? Right. What a load of crap. He’s afraid of bats because he fell down a well and was attacked by bats? Yeah, right. And that makes him want to leave the opera? Sure. Then he sees his father get killed, so it's kind of his fault? Yep. None of this makes any sense. It puts me off when it should pull me in. I had to force myself to watch, even the first seven or eight scenes. I skipped forward and didn’t find anything to like, so I quit. What a relief.
Roger Angle: Suck it, Ebert!
Great Expectations
1.0 Stars
Unbearable, and worse yet I remember now that I rented it once before. I didn’t believe one word or one frame or one image of this boring, pointless movie. (SPOILER ALERT) The escaped convict pops up out of the water? Yeah, right. And the kid doesn’t tell anyone? Yeah, right. And the kid goes back with the bolt cutters? Yeah, right. And he doesn’t tell the cops? Yeah, right. None of this works for me. There is no through-line, no narrative hook, no interesting characters, no moral dilemma, no story problem, just one static scene after another. I can't believe I turned off “The Simpsons” for this. And I don't even like "The Simpsons."
Psych: Season 1 (4-Disc Series)
1.0 Stars
Maybe it's the style of this TV series that I hate. I do like the idea of it. The main character isn't really psychic, he's just so much more observant than anyone else. I like that, because I've always been like that myself. But the pace is so slow, and the tone is so goofy, and the characters are so dull that I couldn't get interested. I didn't last long. Dull, dull, dull.
Avenger
1.0 Stars
Nonsensical movie about a guy who kills three pimps in Juarez or someplace like that, in the credit sequence, and then reappears as a smart lawyer who then hunts for a missing rich kid in Bosnia. Bereft of imagination. Lacks focus. What is the story? We are supposed to be intrigued and thrilled, I guess. Not me.
The Devil's Advocate
2.0 Stars
Good at first and awful by the end. Becomes an elaborate and yet simple-minded diatribe against lawyers. Too bad, because the elements are there for a really good old fashioned straight-ahead movie. The director and writers put their message ahead of what could have been a good story. I like the idea of a lawyer selling his soul for success. (SPOILER ALERT) I don’t like Satan raping women and having people killed. I don’t like people turning into monsters and poor innocent Maryann suffering while her husband sells his soul to the devil. It’s a question of tone and sensibility. I felt too much sympathy for Maryann. My verdict: disgusting.
Californication: Season 1 (2-Disc Series)
1.0 Stars
All this talk about oral sex seems tacky to me. And the main character? Unbearable. I have little or no sympathy for a highly paid Hollywood writer who can't write. It's like a hooker who has an allergic reaction to money. And there is no real problem here, no mountain to climb, except for this self-indulgent crybaby getting over himself.
Waitress
1.0 Stars
Deadly dull, about a beautiful waitress who hates her husband, but she makes great pies. Her big dilemma: she's knocked up. I couldn't bring myself to give a hoot.
True Lies
5.0 Stars
More fun than a barrel of monkeys. Outrageous stunts, non-stop action, hilarious humor in almost every sequence, and Jamie Lee Curtis is hot, especially in her dance number. The story idea is brilliant: super spy Harry Tasker, who is even more of a stud than the original James Bond, lies to his wife and convinces her that he is a boring computer salesman. She flirts with a fake spy who is really a used-car salesman. Brilliant writing, directing, acting. All first-rate.
There Will Be Blood
1.0 Stars
Unbearable. Excruciating. So slow. No story, no dramatic tension, no dramatic questions. At first we see a man swinging a pickax in a hole in the ground. He seems to be getting nowhere. His pickax bounces off the rocks and small sparks fly. Who cares? Not me. Then he does a series of really stupid things. Is the movie supposed to be about stubbornness and stupidity? I guess. I started fast-forwarding. It didn't hold my attention enough to find out. A friend told me this movie should be called "There Will Be Boredom." I agree.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin
1.0 Stars
Nobody could be that stupid, not to be able to put on a condom. Nobody. And being nice and nerdy is not a good enough reason to be a virgin. He should have had a series of failed relationships, or some trauma or something. I met a woman who had been married for eight years, and when she got divorced, she was still a virgin. Now THAT is a story. This movie is way too bland and boring and stupid. Nyet. Nein. Nada.
50 First Dates
1.0 Stars
Boring and juvenile. Made for 12-year-olds, who would probably like it. Not made for my demographic -- white male, over 60, master’s degree, professional writer. I found it way too dumb to watch.
The Illusionist
1.0 Stars
I found this movie so annoying I couldn’t stand it. We’re supposed to be interested in this guy sitting on the stage sweating and not moving and looking as if he is trying to take a big dump. Constipated. That’s how I’d describe this movie. The attitude of the filmmakers toward their material and toward the audience is off somehow. We are supposed to be worshipful just because it’s on the screen, I guess. I lasted about ten minutes and then started to fast-forward. His relationship with the girl seemed like total hokum, too. I gave up.
Batman Begins
1.0 Stars
The opening fight scene is ludicrous. Nobody who can fight like that would let himself get hit that hard. It’d break all the bones in your face. So the movie starts out on a false note. Then it gets worse. This dopey guy in a business suit comes to the prison and we find out Bruce Wayne is in this Chinese hell-hole prison by choice. Yeah, right. What a big slice of baloney. Then it exhausts Bruce Wayne to climb the mountain. Wait. He can fight seven tough guys at once and the guards rescue the other guys, but he can’t climb a mountain? More baloney. This movie must be for kids. I get tired of movies for seven-year-olds. The League of Shadows? Right. What a load of crap. He’s afraid of bats because he fell down a well and was attacked by bats? Yeah, right. And that makes him want to leave the opera? Sure. Then he sees his father get killed, so it's kind of his fault? Yep. None of this makes any sense. It puts me off when it should pull me in. I had to force myself to watch, even the first seven or eight scenes. I skipped forward and didn’t find anything to like, so I quit. What a relief.
I wrote this four years ago and while my Clark/Obama dream ticket was only half off, I still find myself typing this with literal chills and an unrestraineable smile.
The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves.
- Abraham Lincoln
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