My big gay wedding... Anyone wish to attend?

Well I lied, it wont be big and it's not really a wedding... More of a commitment ceremony. But it is going to be gay. I met my soul mate in Australia in december 2006. The most heart breaking day of my life came when I had to leave her being swept away by our own tears at the airport. I thought this is the last time I might ever see her again.

I cried more than I've ever cried before, I cried on the plane, changing flights, ordering at Burger King. It was embarrasasing. I felt like I'd been tied down by some scary clown and had my left cunt flap chewed off. Bad innit?

Now comes another story, in the summer just past I worked my arse off and didn't eat for two months, I was finally able to book my flight to Australia. I didn't tell a soul... Then after months of secrecy I had to tell her.

I can't believe I'm here!!! It's crazy! I vowed to not let her out of my sight until we were married, so I got down on one knee and sucked her strap on... Only joking, I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. We were both drunk, and now engaged. Our parents still think we're joking. It'll be really funny when I come home under a different name!!!

The ceremony... An unholy gay aliance joined in satanic matrimoney.

Our party is going to be held in Brisbane in the Valley probably at The Step Inn. Pastor Kent will be providing free head-butts should anyone want one. It'll be a glam rock/fetish dress code.

The date is yet to be set but somewhere in the immediate future probably 5th of Dec.

Get ready to die.

xxxxx

You are going to laugh your cunts off! I've had some charming dude send me a message 'I want to fuck you hard and make you cry'... It's the best comment I've had all week.
Love and kisses to all your pink parts. I'm going to make you wear a little dress and hurt you.xx

Hey ladies, do play an instrument? and well? Ever get put down by men? I asked a guy to look at my website and listen to my music...

"Hmm nice band profile.. well to talk honestly i love fem vocals but its not my style... i take it more seriously when its man vocals.. but i love the pirate song
its cool also that you do everything on the track.. also tits are fine too )
have you ever made a live?"

I know he didn't think he was opening up a can of wriggly worms, but it really hit a nerve with me. It was not just of me to reply in such a manner, it's bit unfair or me to write to him like this, he was the last straw. It might not seem too offensive, but I'm not prepared to stand for this fashism and suck my cunt to any man who feels better for putting a girl down.

He didn't deserve the tangent but I have to offload something that's been bugging me, this is my reply. Sorry, but not really, I admire his balls. mine are bigger.

"Thank you, a live what? People don't usually take me seriously because I have a cunt... and a pair of ok tits. People see me with a guitar on my back and say "Do you play guitar?" I usually say "No, what gave you that silly idea?! it just looks good..." They usually end up saying that they played in a band for several years like they are the best guitarist in the world "Sorry, I'm not that good any more, I haven't played in a few years." and when I give them a guitar they aint got a clue, in the back of their minds they're thinking 'At least I know I'll be better than her.' I feel so frustrated, belittled and underminded.

None of the songs really show what I can really do as a musician, I never have enough money to get pro recordings without a guy trying to stick his cheesy cock in my arse, and fuck it I might as well give up. I only do modelling to get a bit of money, SG is the only modelling site that I've reallyenjoyed working for, every now and the I have songs played in the US and Australia, not sure if I should knuckle down with something a bit more realistic, maybe I shouldn't take myself seriously as a musician.

Everytime I've had record deal interest is when the guys want to sleep with me. YES I am neive, YES I get strung along, I like to think if a guy wanted shag me that he'd just fucking say. Am I just a stupid talentless fuck? I hope I fuck better than my guitar playing, if that's the only thing I got goin for me. It's a mans world. Time to wipe the make up off my face, wear baggy clothes, my image doesn't do me any favours in the music biz. When I play any instruments or sing better than a man they don't want to know, is it coz I can score more chicks? Draw a better crowd? Write better songs? Or simply the fact I can whoop your arse...

...Musically.

You don't wanna listen to it but you're happy to fuck it. Go fuck yourself."

Nothing's gonna take that back. I'm bitter and twisted, like my cunt, now eat that tasty treat. Come on ladies, don't get put down any more. I'm still saving up to indepently record professionally, and I don't want no man with a shit load of money and a 'record company'. Will (decent) female musicians ever get any credit, or remain novelty acts, I feel like men are just being nice out of pity.

Should I just give up?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bring back Suzi Quatro!

Finally the moment you've all been waiting for!! Gash fest 2008!!!!

Bath cunt:

Let me tell you the story of my cunt in a bath. I don't know if I should tell you the whole thing because it's a bit vulgar.

Ladies (and fellas), you know if you have a house full of people and no lock on the door, privacy is a much needed commodity, so that makes the toilet/bathroom is a safe place. I live in a house with 2 other girls on the island of Menorca (east Spanish Coast). They're a bit prudish, A GIRLS GOT NEEDS!!! This applies for the ladies only (unless there is some way a man could do this)… You'll see what I mean.

I went into the bathroom and ran myself a bath. Lying there in the soapy water I got the urge. I grabbed the shower head and put it to the bean. But the shower head wasn't enough. So I grabbed one of the girls shampoo bottles and…

…Washed my hair (Oooohhh! You thought I was going to write something dirty you filthy fuckers!) Anyway, it was tapered and relatively small (the shampoo bottle) so I could adjust the size if needed then I stuck it up my giney (the main lady hole, not the mouth). Something felt a bit uncomfortable at first, but I ignored it. I was having a great time, then the earth moved, I had a dirty great stinking screaming orgasm, almost felt like I was going to have a heart attack it was that good. This is where it gets concerning… I took the shampoo bottle out and saw the lid had popped open. "OH fuck!!! That's NOT healthy!?!?!" With chemicals like lauerth sulphate in there my vagina was in trouble. DOUCHE! DOUCHE!! DOUCHE!!! I sprayed the water up there, I pumped it full of liquid and stood up, I was foaming at the cunt!! Now the water wasn't coming out either!!! NOOOOOoooo!!!!! From previous occasions I can release water from the gash by bending over slightly and lifting my arse cheeks up. It worked! Again and again till the suds were no more I repeated the randy ritual.

Just when I thought it was all good I came out of the bathroom and started talking to one of the girls. I must have relaxed, then the gates opened again to floods of water. It was like I was just about to give birth to a sea creature. It all splashed on the floor underneath my towel. She looked at me as if to say "Saff… Have you just pissed yourself?!?!" How could I tell her I had bath cunt?!?! I explained it to her (a little bit).

Definitions.

Bath cunt: When a lady masturbates in the bath, water gets water in her vagina and when the muscles relax the water is released. Sometimes in inappropriate places, or inappropriate times.

Douche: George Bush.
Or something that cleans dirty vaginas and arseholes.

Giney: Short for vagina. Pronounced Jai-Nee

Please girls! If any of you have experienced bath cunt I want to hear from you. I feel so isolated!
Happy cunting.

I stole my mates vibrator... he don't use it anyway.

Every now and then a rare night happens where you are surrounded by fantastic people in a fantastic place. I was really upset that I was let down by a guy I had been seeing because he got too wasted to let me know that the night was off, I wondered where to go and what to do.

After moping around, I went down my local, and after ended up at a seriously crazy house party. My friends and I covered each other in blue perminent marker! You can see them on my *pics*. Me and my mates we grinding our genitals on the faces of those who has fallen into the 'I'm too fucked' slumber land when my mate bought out a vibrating rubber cock. I hadn't had sex in a while and thought "it would be a good time steel it" so when he wasn't looking I slipped it in to my bag (he had intentions of using it on other girls- but he never gets laid).

Later that night (morning, about 4:30am) when the carnage had died down, I said good bye and began the run back home. I smiled all the way down stairs, I bared teeth when walking out the door, I giggled my way out of the gate, I laughed my way all through the town. I was fucked, and clutching a rubber vibrating cock with my eyebrows coloured blue (and badly). I was a sniggering wreck. I got home, I laughed some more and held the silly simulated penis in my hand, I noticed it was a bit scummy and sterillised it.

It didn't have batteries in it. Luckily I found the last two that fit just right! Perfect. It was a tight fit but something had to do it and Henry the Hoover was to noisy, especially when you're staying with your parents!! So I gave Henry a turn the next day. *read henry the hoover blog to understand*.

It was the best mung-buttering that I'd had in a long time. I recieved a text saying "You stole my cock!" I replied with "Baa ha ha ha, yes I did, and I'm going to shove it up my arse, but I can 't find the right batteries!!". So he doesn't think I've used it!

Shall I tell him? I will give it back?

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Thoughts to ponder.

What is felching? Is it gerbils up the stink tunnel, or is it sucking jism out of a love chamber through a straw?

If you are a hermaphrodite can you have sex with yourself? and if so can you get yourself pregnant? Would chromosones not allow this...? Do you know of any hermaphrodites? What does their anatomy look like? Is it willy, balls, vagina, or vagina, balls, willy or could it be balls, vagina then willy? help me out here, I'm interested.

Can animals be gay?
Does anyone have any knowledge of these bizarre questions or do you have questions you'd like to share and ponder too? Post a comment and share your views on my curiousities. Love and kisses to all your pink parts... Whatever they may look like.

Saffire.
xxxxxx

Bratisfuckingslava. Or Blatistrava if you're name is Sam... or was it slatisbrava?

The .. On a mission to get as drunk as possible...

Apparatus: 7 Ryan air boarding passes

6 people (one couldn't find passport and was left behind enemy lines.)

Wad of Koruna's

Combined lack of sleep per person throughout the trip = 11 hours.

The people profile from youngest to oldest:

*First was Sophie at 16 yrs old, not a very worldly wise person, but has a thirst to learn. She was the young vulnerable sweetheart of the group. However, under the cover of darkness she becomes a fully fledged party animal and crazy dancer. But did not tell us about her heart condition.

*Next was her boyfriend Lee at 17 (or could be 18) was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) has a keen interest in mechanics. Again in night fall instead of being relatively quite, he turns into full time rave monster.

*Tom, looks like an absolute computer geek, with a severe history of gambling at such a young age we knew he was going to be fun... he proved us right very right. The snorer and joke teller of the group was also good at picking up languages and winning drinking money.

*James is a bit scatty and is known to have a way with words, his language skills are not the best, in fact they are awful. This man could put us in a lot of danger in the wrong place but with prior knowledge and previous trips to Eastern Europe, we thought he'd have a good incite. Measuring in at a Feather weight alcoholic.

*Austin, the smartest and oldest looking member of the group also has a gambling problem (but not as bad a Toms). This man is another crazy alcoholic equipped with Stinky feet but he has a good set of craniums.

*Me, I was the bitcher and whinger of the group. I am also a feather weight alco and professional farter and flabbergasterer. The only thing I could offer to the team was my language skills. I am also known to be a little bit crazy.

*Sam had no passport so he couldn't come. He is also a full time fruit cake too.

In the beginning.

Day one.

Airport drinking

We were all meeting at Austin and James's house to stay there for the night so that we were altogether for the hell flight in the morning, so that there was no frantic running about and disorganisation. Lee, Sophie and James went to bed (not all together though!) so Austin, Tom and myself stayed up till we were to arrive at the hostile in Bratislava. We had already been drinking, Austin said "Well why don't we go to the pub at the airport?" I knew I'd got myself into a tricky situation and I was going to die of tiredness. I can do the rock'n'roll but not all the time...

The taxi was due to pick us all up at 4AM; we arrived at the airport at 3AM. We weren't due to check in till 4:30. We managed to go through customs 4:40 as our friend Amy was checking us in, (thank you for the fast track Amy).

I and Tom went through customs on our own. Austin was going to have one last cigarette before going through the Indiana Jones customs section, (they had a rolling ball of doom to go through too!!). I have a well known track record of getting searched every time. Once again I bleeped going through the metal detector, a lady with curly dark ginger hair came bowling over to me and started (what I can only describe as) groping me. I get it every time... Maybe it's a sign. As she'd put her hands on my no-go zone I looked over at Tom, I smiled at him like I was enjoying getting groped by a big fat ginger lesbo (screaming on the inside).
I went into dream land and it was horrifying I felt sick. Anyway, SO... Austin turned up, we got drunk, and we proceeded to get drunk until the other rabble arrived at Wetherspoons.

Boarding

When the others arrived, we ate and got on board. A slurring and very intoxicated Austin got abusive on the plane, as an airhostess ordered him to be quite for the all important emergency safety procedure (Which is also a legal requirement). At this point Austin was drunk and reeking of alcomahol, I was on antibiotics so I was giggling like a school girl and pulling faces.

Day 1 night.

I can't remember at the moment... I think we went to a casino. oh yeah we went to the uni to a pill head den, it was a right sausage fest.

James's sign language

Throughout the whole trip the only word that James managed to learn was 'Dobre' which means 'good' or 'OK'. He was shouting it out to young ladies trying to enjoy themselves. We met some crazy Americans out on the ramble. We had lots of fun in the shape of a vodka bottle. When we got out of the pill head club a very lustful James and Tom went to go and find strippers. James's appalling sign language to try and help the taxi driver understand where to take them wasn't working too well. I remember him doing a thrusting motion and a grabbing of tits motion. After about 10 minutes of heckling and hilarious gestures from James, the taxi driver put them in the right direction... Straight to the whore houses. I and Austin were lying in bed when they arrived home (Tom couldn't get laid coz he was too ugly and James couldn't get it up). I pretended not to hear them knock on the door so Austin got up, when the door was opened James fell like a tree into the door way, and Toms poor efforts to squeeze past to avoid James's sprawled body failed miserably when he was also taken down. The room was a fucking mess when we woke up, there was chocolate m'n'm's all over the floor, the boys stank of alcohol, and they were dirty. It looked like a robber had been in... And left because it was such a pig sty. You'll be surprised what filth robbers go through.

Day 2: Stolen Funny Balls.

On this day Austin, Tom and I went to the Harley Davidson bar, I can't remember why the others didn't come out. We were fire breathing on stage and being bombarded by strange Slovakian men with heavy moustaches, beer bellies and skin heads. By the end of the night we couldn't move, so we decided to go get a taxi back. We got badly ripped off for our equivalent of £15 for 4/5 miles. Just as the taxi pulled up to the walk way to the hostel, Austin opened his door a little too early, dare I say he had a skin full, Austin fell out of the taxi onto the path with the car still moving, he managed to hold himself up as we paid. The night was about to get horrific. We got to the lobby where other people were up as well drinking. We went into the common room where Austin demanded that we hit him over the head as hard as we could with a wooden/steel chair. It was funny, we laughed, he cried.

James was in bed, he heard us coming up and left the door open so that we didn't have to disturb him with constant knocking. The door was left open till we all went to bed. During this time James while in the room, he was blissfully unaware that someone had snuck into our stinky messy shit hole and stole Austin's laptop, James coat and new camera, and an adaptor. We all came crashing in about 7AM. Austin couldn't sleep because he couldn't find his laptop and was going to beat Tom up for mislaying it.

To snore, or not to snore!

I was trying to sleep in bed, I had Tom on my right and Austin on my left. Tom denies being a serial snorer. but this particular night his snoring went to a whole new level. I had Austin snoring on the other side in stereo. Stereo snoring!!!!! I was nearly in tears trying to sleep; I kept on hitting them so that I could get a couple of seconds snore free. I screamed "FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!! SSSSHHHHUT UUUUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!" I went over to Tom and beat his arm for a couple of seconds. I then grabbed a packet of cigarettes, took two out, ripped them apart and shoved the ends in my ears. Eventually I just stayed awake. Tom was adamant that he was not guilty of snoring offenses.

When the afternoon came round and we realised that it had all been stolen there was carnage. Austin had bought a sword from the shooting range and was going to use it. James held up his newly bought porn DVD and said "ahh well at least they haven't taken my 'Funny Balls", and with that he opened the DVD case and funny balls was missing. That was the last straw; whoever stole the laptop had now gone for a bolder choice of swag. Austin didn't leave the room for 36 hours in fear that he'd kill someone. We agreed it was a good idea to keep him locked away. It was all fun and games until funny balls went missing.

Night 3.

We had a little drink before we came out and there was a problem with Sophie's heart, I saw the scar across her heart previously but I didn't ask. She had a sip of vodka and her heart started to go funny, so she stayed at the Hostile to recover while we went out with everyone from the hostel to the Harley Davidson bar. Now this was where the nocturnal powers of the infamous party couple emerged. They turned up after Sophie's recovery. I have never seen a girl swing from a horizontal pole like that before... well, ever. Sophie went mental chicken oriental. Sophie and Lee danced for 4 hours solid with no drugs!! Crazy! Both of them were being groped, I think the only reason why they danced for so long was because they liked it...?! I would have!

Slovakian food and Slovak people.

Absolute cheesathon. Cheese and egg, cheese on toast, cheese, ham and egg, cheese platter for dinner, braised pork knuckles, butter on everything, cheese swimming in butter, gone off fish swimming in butter, cheese, and shit. Don't go there if you don't like cheese... I didn't eat for 5 days. I ordered (as a last resort) from Mc Donald's a chicken salad. They asked me if I wanted a cheese sauce with that!! HELL NO!!!! When I opened it up, the cheese was smothered in salad, where was the salad!!!! No wonder why they've all got bad dressing sense. Cheese doesn't look good, neither did they.

The Slovakian people were extremely hostile towards the English, unfortunately, due to my ignorance, or lack of understanding I couldn't figure out why we were being targeted. They were badly dressed too. I was verbally assaulted by an old hobo in Mc Donald's after she asked me for money and I said 'Nie, prepacte'. Which means 'no, sorry.' She sneered at me and said 'Anglicky!! Phah!' which means 'Oh, you're fucking English, fuck you!!' The Mac Donald's hobo spoke down to me! I know I'm not perfect but I could have head-butted her before realising there would have been a riot if I'd have taken action on the grouchy scraggly old cat lady hobo. I should have just stuck you with a fork.

Night 4.

At the casino, Toms gambling had consumed everyday so far, there were 50 odd people in for the poker, Tom got down to the last 5 and unfortunately he lost. Then we got on the party boat. There was a bug eyed DJ on pills there, I noticed him from the hostel, and he denied staying there which was strange. I looked for the stolen laptop bag or a coat, he tried to get me to go to where ever he was staying, I refused. He was creepy. His stature fitted the description of the guy on CCTV camera. I told the others but they ignored it... Anyway. James was walking around with a pair of pants on his head that we'd dug out of a skip. I nearly weed myself laughing.

Then James took us on this wild goose chase at 6AM to find strippers. When we got there they were closed. We were well angry; it was also a whore house (a shut whore house) someone later told us. What the hell am I going to use a whore for?!?! Washing?!?!?! When we got back to the hostile James tried my high heels on, his feet couldn't fit in them entirely. He managed to take a couple of steps before loosing his balance, and at the moment of his descent (in slow motion) his leg went up and my shoe came flying off his foot. When his head reached the floor my shoe came following after, flying towards him and made a nasty assault on his forehead. We went upstairs to our room, I saw Tom and Austin lying in their beds, I couldn't deal with the snoring so I stayed in our Arabic friends' room in a bid to get some sleep before we have to move out at 10AM and that meant I managed to have a lie in!! Ha ha ha!!!

Day 5.

I stayed in the computer room to recover from The Harley Davidson bar the night before while the rest of them went go carting. I wanted to die, I didn't get as much sleep as I anticipated I would. We ate pizza, and I nearly spewed up from having a puff of one of the 'cigarettes of death'. If I haven't wrote a lot in between days it's only because I don't remember.

Exiting sheep testicle country...

We got back on the plane again with the giggles... The funniest thing was the flight captain was doing the flight speech and stats. Again we were still making noises.

"Ok ladies and gentlemen, your flight to London Stansted with be approximately, SSSSSHHHHH!!! Approximately 2 hours 10 minutes, we require that you pay strict SSSSSHHHHH!!!!!! Attention to the air stewards/hostesses as they guide you through..."

... Through bullshit. The first time he said ssshhh was hilarious, the captain was drowned out by (not just us) but the entire group of passengers, the second time I thought I was going to die of laughter. On the way back we were all saying Ssshhh!! SSSShhhhhh!!

Things you don't do on an aircraft. The game.

Rule number one: Don't pretend to be members of The Taliban, Al-Qaida or any other terrorist organisation.

Rule Two: Do not take any Weapons on board (whether legal or illegal).

Rule three: Do not mock flight crew or flight captain.

Rule four: Refrain from becoming intoxicated


...And what was your score? How many of these did you violate? 4 being excellent, 3 being mediocre, 2 being not too good and 1 being very very poor, or even 0 a total square.

If you violated all of these, then you must have been on the same flight. If you only scored one THEN YOU SUCK!!!


Throughout the trip everywhere we have Sam was with us in photograph, most of the Slovak people thought he was deceased. He had pictures with everyone, everywhere. We're busy organising the next trip, this time snoring will be prohibited, and anyone caught snoring will be prosecuted punished accordingly. Strictly no snoring.

NO SNORING!!!! i DO HAVE A COUPLE OF PICS TO GO WITH THIS BUT I CANT BE BOTHERED TO LOG INTO MY OTHER ACCOUNT.

XXXXXX

I am a sexual explorer... I love nothing more than to wonder round my house (or anyones house of that matter) and finding objects that I might get a thrill out of. First it was the electric toothbrush, I still have never ending happiness with the best and cheapest vibrator ever!! I have a Harry Potter one at the moment. I had other toys like candles (which were great for molding), marigolds, washing machine, latex gloves, cling film but then I came across the most almighty sex toy ever, probably looked upon more by men... Yes it was the hoover!

One of my more bolder choices. I have never used it internally just in case it sucked my ovaries out. but the trick is to leave a little gap for the hoover to suck in the air, so that it makes an intense vibrating sensation. I had a bit of an accident with one round my boyfriends house. It was a very old one, and had a jagged metal nossle, when I climaxed I pulled it off the bean and saw some blood. I thought "oh, that's not right!". I was enjoying myself that much that I had cut myself (girls use the plastic nossles).

Don't worry it's all healed up now. When the boyfriend came home he enquired as to why the hoover was out, I told him I'd accidently dropped some food on the carpet. He wondered why we didn't have sex that night...

I have a great sex life, with a boyfriend or an inanimate objects.

Anyone else got any stories?

xx

Someone asked where I was from today and this is what I told them...

Well it all started when I was a sperm, I had a hard life. Swimming... Swimming constantly with no land hoy. Then one day I was a approached by a mysterious big egg thing... I went to have a look inside. All of a sudden I was trapped with no way out, the entrance had closed. I felt like Indiana Jones, but worse. I had no rope, no light, no knives, no beautiful woman. Little did I know I was inside the beautiful woman, and she wasn't helping. I spent many gruelling months in solitary confinement. It was dark, and in there I grew bitter and twisted failing to understand why egg of doom swalled me? Why me? My tail was splitting, I was growing into a weird shape, OH the frustration!!!

I started to hear noises, and felt prodding. This strange level of distortion had a banging beat, it was unlike all the other mumbles I'd heard before. Yes, for all this time it was stairway to heaven.

The strange goo around me started to disappear... I felt tugging on one of my tails...

Then...

One day in the North west of the republic of Ireland, in a little town called Castle Bar (I really wanted to write Bethlehem), I was born, I popped out like a ping pong ball in Thailand. The womb was no match for me!! From then on I knew I couldn't be contained! I continued to grow and somehow ended up in Essex.

Do you remember that?