happy new year...
i havent updated in yonks...
xmas was nice because i stayed at my grans and gramps. my mum 2 brothers auntie uncle and 2 cousins also stayed over. so it was loud and crazy and just how xmas should be i guess
my dad however wasnt here... he was in afghanistan. however he did arrive back in time to celebrate new year with us

life atm to be honest has too many downs and not enough ups so
ive decided its time that i maybe should go to see someone :S i hate saying that. it makes me sound like i have problems... lol... i do... i guess... but wat i mean is that i dont really feel like i have issues. i dont know. lol.the fact that i never sleep more than about 3 hours a night is also a problem. thats a whole other subject but its time i admitted that not sleeping propery effects my day time life and work. suckage.

so anyways...
am currently housesitting for my grandparents while they away in NZ for 4months. and they have no clue that ive taken out all the old fuddy-duddy decoration from the room i sleep in and converted it into a more colourful and modern room that suites me
lol

other than that my mobiles fukd up again and now it wont do calls at all and seen as i have no landline its sort of becoming a problem. so im hoping to buy a new mobile this weekend.

no photos to upload because i baught myself a laptop and the anti-virus on it is so good that it refuses to let me put any pics onto it without going thru so many checks that i get pissed off at it and cancel lol.

cant really be bothered to say anything more about my boring life other than...
I NEED A NEW LIFE IN A NEW PLACE WITH NEW PEOPLE!

lol...

im off to go read my new front magazine which is full of topless sexy alt models yummm
then im going to hopefully go to sleep

gdnight

xXx

i hate to say it but ive just not had time for the net lately.
im always working or out someplace doing something.
it was my birthday on nov 12th and that weekend i went out wearing the sexy black dress i had baught myself...

i also have plenty of other pics to upload but not the time to do it
for example from halloween, unofficial bday night out and my official bday night out. as well as that i think i may even have some vids *shrugs* will have a good look asap

my boss at work is currntly driving me mental.

im living with my gran atm ...

...but as from the 15th i will be moving into my nan and gramps while they are away on holiday in NZ for 3months!

basically that means that i wont be needing a place to live untill end of feb... woo!

that means i get more time to save up

so far in my savings ive got up to £600 *go me*

i need lots more tho to do the things i plan to:
-money to spend while in japan (in march 09)
-car insurance/tax
-MOVE TO BRIGHTON!

why is it that everytime i manage to save up money i have to spend it all on something unexpected tho???
thats why i never moved to brighton in the summer 08. i planned to, i saved up £1000 and just as i was due to leave... my car died and i needed to get a new one and had to pay for my insurance etc.

this time im saving double wat i need before i do anything so that if something unexpected did come up then i can still follow out my plans.
so heres my plan:

begining dec 08 - end feb 09:
living in my nan and gramps empty house while they are in NZ on holiday

first 3weeks of feb 09:
move in with my gran again temporarily

end of feb 09 - begining march 09:
trip to japan to visit my aunt uncle and 2 cousins

middle march 09:
unsure??? ???

but my boss and i are the only 2 left who work in my hair salon and her baby is due in april and she wants to take off 2months... so my guess would be that because its a family friend and i know i will feel guilty at leaving her on a sinking ship then i guess im gona end up staying to help.

ive ended up writting loads.

i guess its for a number of reasons.
i hate that i tell people im going to move to brighton and they think its great at first but now that time has gone on they dont believe me anymore.

the plan truely was to leave for brighton after i got back from japan... however my twat boss went and got pregnant which totally clashes with my idea of leaving my job

does anyone... ANYONE understand how frustraited i am???

ive been tring to move to brighton for the last 9months!
now im finally almost there with everything... my boss piles this shit on me *sigh*

im gona go watch a movie and eat vegan chocolate untill i feel sick.
goodnight
xXx
p.s-
if anyone fancies saving me from this wreck then please feel free!

IM BAAAACK!

Im sorry to say this but...
"SG your site and emails and help section SUCKS!"

i tried to pay my next years membership before it ran out and it kept saying it wasnt available...

then my membership ran out and i tried to reactivate it but it said my account diddnt exhist anymore???

then i tried again and it wouldnt let me put in my bank card info cuz it said i wasnt a member previously???

then it said i had a membership and i hadnt reactivated???

(even though by now id put in my card details about 10 times by this point)

then it said my account was deleted so i tried to re-set one up but it said it couldnt because someone with the same email and bank details had an account...
I WAS LIKE YEAH U DUMB TWIT... MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

i actually had given up and was feeling rather sad to have lost all my sg friends ...

however i just had an email and i clicked on the link thinking it would never work...

BUT IT DID! wooooooo

however i am now late for going over my friends and very full after eating lots of vegan ice-cream...

yummmmm

i have a new obsession atm... these little babies god i frickin love em!
so far ive got...
seiko

and another which i cant find a picture of online to show u...
but i really want and i love...
hiroko


they are so cute and ive told everyone to get me them for my birthday next week

will update soon
mwahs to you all... ive missed you
xXx

jjjjjjjjjjaaaaaaazus lol

i have had a hectic few months and havent updated. im terrible i know.

basically wats happened:

-mum sussed out that i had been dating a girl...
-mum made snide remarks but wouldnt confront me
-ive had a few people use me and piss me off lately
-things between me and the mother got worse
-i started meeting up with my ex jamie as friends again
-mum and i came to blows and she told me to leave
-so i left and had nowhere else to go other than my ex jamies place.
-so am currently living with my ex and as well as paying for all the expensive necessitites in life am trying to save up to move away/out

my plans to move to brighton just seem to become more and more distant. it sucks and it makes me feel shit but i guess thats life.

work is dead atm and im worriying that if it doesnt pick up then im going to be jobless... argh

but on the plus side...
-i met a girl called alana...
shes wicked.
shes vegan
shes also into animal rights
she and i have tonnes in common!

-and rise against's new album came out... AWWWWWW I LOVE IT!

i will update properly with the usual piccys etc asap i promise...



love and hugs
xXx

i meant to update the other week... but i didnt... now i am behind lol...so here it goes...

There was a 80s night on in the gaybar that i sometimes work in... so i went as cyndi lauper... here are some pics from that night...


thats the YMCA and garfield haha ^^^^^


adam ant and a random 80s outfit on tash^^^


and me as cyndi lauper with a sexy YMCA builder hahaa^^^^


Other than that since then ive been a very busy girl...
-i walked out from my job at the salon with my alcoholic boss. i told him that i felt that he had no right to make me feel so intimidated and that he needed to sort out my tax money and wages properly etc etc etc... he screamed and shouted... headed straight for the bottle of wine out the back and got agressive... i told him that i couldnt work with him anymore and that his behaviour was totally unacceptable both towards me and the clients... i collected my things and left.
-I dont regret doing this AT ALL!
-i have been helping my auntie, uncle and cousins pack up their house as they are moving to japan in a few weeks!
-i also applied for a job in this salon... http://www.stuartholmes.co.uk
and this was me getting ready for my interview... haha...

its a beautiful salon, you can see that just from the website but its even more beautiful in reality! the owner staurt holmes really liked me... i was almost blushing because he kept saying he liked how i was so individual, how i stood out from the crowd, that i had my own sence of style and was so confident etc. and btw, no he wasnt being flirty, his wife was there hahaaa... she kept saying the same thing lol. they said that they have a few more ppl to interview but that they will call me back in about 2 weeks for a second interview!!!! woo!
-my mum went away for 1week with work and i have therefore being playing the "mother role" to my 2 younger brothers... im so bored of it!!!! lol... i like being the fun sister role much better lol.

AND...



I went into town today...
-baught a lush ring from topshop, ITS JUST A MASSIVE RED HEART
-and 2 plain t-shirts from h&m
-some t-shirt paint from hobbycraft
(then tomorrow im going to make my very own "batman The Dark Knight" tshirts! ooh! )

anyways... after a spot of shopping i decided to pop into BeHair (the salon where the manager is Kris, the guy who inspired me from the very begining to get into hairdressing)...
Kris is always booked up for like 6weeks ahead... so i went in to book a cut and blowdry...
however he had a client cancel on him... *lucky me!*
so we chopped my hair even shorter !!!!!! <3
I frickin love it!






And here are just some random pics...

this is me in bed the other day... lol... i was playing around trying out some makeup... then just went to bed...

the makeup^

the sleepwear^ haha


^and this is how beautiful the sky is at 5:30am when i cant sleep lol^^


i got these glasses free... they are just like willy wonka's tv-room glasses!

so i hope everyones well and all that...
peace love and kisses to you all
Danni
xXx
p.s- I decided to do wat i always seem to do and leave you with a naughty pic haha...

i had to do it... i always do lmfao

So last Monday (a week ago today) Tash and I wer going to go to into town for a spot of lunch...
it was a beautifuly sunny day... we had scrummy food from the pub... wen we wer about to finish and head towards the shops Tash had a call from a mate called Claire. She lives in town so we waited for her to come join us to have a drink... Claire is hilarious... she makes everyone giggle...
(us at the pub in pics below)

Tash fly-eye


Me fly-eye


Claire Tash and Me

then we decided that we should go out that night and buy new outfits for it!
so we quickly walked to see Rosie (Tash's girlfriend) who works in a tent shop in town to ask her if she wanted to come too... this resulted in claire getting into a sleeping bag in the middle of the shop!

that girl cracks me up...
so then clair and I got into a tent that was on display hahaaa...

we contemplated getting into the window display but decided that we would prob get in big trouble or break something haha!
so anyways... we all agreed to go out that night... so with by then only 45mins to shop for new outfits we went on a mission... needless to say we didnt succeed lol
so anyways... this is us all out that night...
while we wer walking to the club we found a colour changing wall... claire stood in front...

and she looked like an i-pod advert!

then once at the club...

in order left to right Loy, Tash, Rosie and Mita with Claire led down


me with claire


rach and me


claire giving an impression on her nipples and loy trying to lick them haha


Tash and Rosie


Mita showing Claire her strong arms haa


(left to right) Me, Loy, Tash, Rosie and Claire led down


Claire straddling and humping Loy!

It was such a fun night... i woke up the next morning and just giggled at how messy i looked... see here for yourselfs lmfao...

*feel free to point and laugh heheee*

so wat else is new with me... not a hell of a lot... other than my car insurance is due in 2 weeks... and if im going to be moving to brighton in september i dont know if im gona take it with me so therefore i dont know if i should just take it off the road and save me some pennies for a few months... but i also dont know if i do that if i loose my no-claims... grrr... so im going in to see the insurance ppl tomoz.
OOOOOOH AND...
its an 80s night at the bar wer i work next friday, im going as cyndi lauper YAY


AND THE NEW BATMAN FILMS OUT SOOOOON! ARGHHHHH!


enough now... i must go get ready... i was supposed to be meetin with a mate at 1:30 and its 12:50 now! eep!

take care all!

xXx
p.s- NAKEDNESS :p
HAHA!

Decided to update again.

so here i go with the bullet points lol...

ive been really low for numerous reasons... and i was really sad because my inner-fight-back-danni-side seemed to of disapeared. i was just going down in a vicous circle.

BUT IM BACK! my inner strength is back. fighting off all the fears/ problems etc.

turns out that i got myself back to normal by chopping all my hair off. fresh start/ something new. it works everytime with me... if im down and i do or get something new i go back to being happy. seems to be that i need fresh exciting things all the time hahaa...

so to make myself even happier i baught myself new goodies... such as...
-BRIGHT YELLOW scarf
-SHINEY black handbag
-SEXY jewellery
-VINTAGE style shiney wallet

so i guess your probably wondering wat the new hair looks like??? hhaha well...

this is what the back was like before (it just looked stragly and shit)...


and the front...


BUT NOW IT LOOKS LIKE THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS..........






I DONT actually trust my current bosses hairdressing methods so i didnt get him to cut it... (for those of you who dont realise, i am a hairdresser lol)... instead i went to see my old boss from the salon i worked in before.

so yeah... im feeling re-vamped and brand new!
I THINK ITS TIME TO TAKE ON THE WORLD AGAIN!
HELL YEAH

and while im in a good mood... especially for you guys... i give you... my breasts hahaaa...




anyways enough of that...

im off to go plan some things to do and how to fit all my tasks into the remaning few days left of the week haha


if you havent already then go oggle and send some love to these beasutiful SGs:
PHINN AKEMI DEAKYN

and everyone has to go send best wishes to my gorgeous gaz, clair and "bump"
(see my top friends)


TAKE CARE BITCHES
MWAHS
xXx

i feel really confused right now...
theres so much going on in my life right now that its all too much to take.
ive always been a laid back person... who just goes with the flow.
however this has over the last few months meant i have realised how badly im letting myself get treated.
so i decided to stop letting people walk over me and do WHAT I WANT...
thing is the harder times are getting and the more people have been trying to put me on a guilt trip or are saying all the right things to make me feel bad for putting myself first, the more im noticing myself shrivel back up into "push-over" mode. its definatly testing my inner-strength and confidence.
AND the harder it becomes to think about what the future holds, the more i seem to be retreating back to thoughts of the past wen things wer good
wen the world around me fails me i always find that to go back to those special memories i turn to music.
somehow with music ive always found it can take me right back to a feeling within a second.

these are just some of the songs that have VERY strong memories with my past:



















so like i said everything very complicted right now and im finding it hard to understand myself let alone other people. ive started to even write a diary/journal... mainly to get all my thoughts out of my head because its really effecting my sleep... i lye in bed and find that i simply can not switch off... i was awake till 5am last night and now here i am online still at 2am tonight... im not even eating properly... and because of all this my bodies stressed out lol... its making me ill AGAIN! lol
i want to go to brighton but im finding it hard to not walk out of work right now... my boss is a cunt and im sorry but if u met him u would totally back me up. i wont go into details otherwise i would be here forever but trust me... i know that in general bosses are horrid... but mine bullies me and the other day i actually thought he was gona hit me so i had to go lock myself in the loo till he had calmed down.
the only reason i havent walked out yet is cuz i need the money to be able to move away.
my family keep putting me on a guilt trip telling me that they feel im abandoning them by moving away.
my ex keeps saying that we could work things out (prob in an attempt to persuade me not to go aswell)

all the hot lezzies around here all date the other hot lezzies... and it makes me feel ugly lol. mainly cuz i only seem to attract the girls who are already taken or that only seem to want a one night thing.
so for the first time in years this is making me unhappy with my appearance...

last time i can remember caring about wat other people thought about my looks was wen i was 16 and leaving school. since then i have always done wat i want to with the way i dress etc. however wen im at work at the gay bar (the other job... with the nice boss... who i slept with... who already has a grlf lol)
i see all kinds of girls... but i find that they nearly always fit into 2 catagories...
-the ones who make the best of there appearance or are naturally just stunning
OR
-the fat ugly lezzies who cudnt give a shit about appearance but pull all the women
...i find that i dont fit into either... im not skinny and beautiful/ but neither do i class myself as a fat ugly shit hahaha... so my other prob seems to be that i dont look "lezzy" enough lmfao. now dont get me wrong cuz ive never really cared about any of this kinda thing before... but for some reason lately its really been getting to me...
silly things like ill see a hot girl and then ill look at myself and think "i dont stand a chance"...
or ill look at a "plain jane" type of girl and again ill think i dont stand a chance...
so then i think JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ who do i think im worthy of????????
and in all honesty... right now at this point in time... i cant see any apeal in myself.

im tired of being me right now. im getting fed up of trying so dam hard to do things with my life and only getting shit results for it or being made to feel guilty or unworthy.

WHERE HAS MY USUAL CONFIDENT CRAZY LAUGHING SELF GONE?????

i want to find me again
part of me thinks that im getting this way because im so bored and unstimulated with my life atm...
i need new things/ i crave new experiences...
but wats very hard to deal with is that with all this confusion... the idea of getting back with my ex and living back in my "normal-safe-easy life" is becoming appealing to me... but i really dont want to go back to that...
i spose i do understand myself really... but its just hard to be a strong person right now.
i need some strength.
i think i need a 2 day trip to brighton just to give me a taster of it so that it makes me want it more than ever lol

wish i had a fairy god mother hahaaa


kisses 'n' hugs
Danni
xXx

OK new post, new month & new complex problems...

ON THE POSITIVE:
-i have sensibly thought thru my move to brighton and have decided its better to move there at end of summer because my family are going on holiday for a month in august and i am staying to look after the house and pets and also cuz i need to get a job in brighton first and im saving up some dosh before i go

ON THE COMPLEX SIDE OF LIFE:
-my ex is called tash & her ex is called tash... so wen they where together people renamed them "tash" & "tashbone"
-i knew tashbone about 5years ago and i fancied her but wasnt "out the closet" so i told myself i shouldnt feel like that and stopped meeting up with her
-5years later i meet tash and we wher together for a few months... i knew that tashbone was tashs ex but because i hadnt seen tashbone in years it made no difference
-tash cheated on me so we split up...
-i get a job in a gaybar near me where tashbone is the deputy manager...
-tashbone has a girlfriend called rosie
-small enclosed area behind bar means you rub passed each other A LOT! which has been drving me wild as all my feelings that i had for tashbone about 5years ago started flooding back.
-tashbone invited me up to her flat and we played on guitar hero for ages... got really late and ended up half naked etc... *you can guess the rest lol*
-you know how in the movies there are those scenes wen 2 people have been so overwhelmed with desire that they shake because they want to touch and kiss each other so much...
well thats prettymuch wat happens everytime tashbone and i see each other. we know we shouldnt be doing wat we are doing becasuse she has her girlfriend rosie, and that we have the same ex (tash)
-but basically working together is making us just want each other more and more...
-tashbone and i talked it thru and we dont wana hurt rosie or tash so we know we shouldnt get together but like i said the sparks between us are crazy...

MY CONCLUSION:
working in small space behind bar + 2 girls dying to touch each other = insain desire & passionate rudestuff


oh dear oh dear...
ive never done this whole cheating thing before. i feel terrible because i know wat it feels like to have someone cheat on you... now im the other side of it all and im the mistress!
eek...
im meeting with tashbone again tomorrow... i know im gona end up kissing her or her kissing me nomatter how hard we try not to...

this is a photo of tashbone and me the other night at work...



SHIT ARGHHHHHHHHHH
why is my life never simple lol


Danni
xXx

OOOOH MY GOOOOOD!
IM SO STUPIDLY EXCITED!

Here is why in bulletins cuz its easier that way:
-this year has been crazy and emotional for me
-i broke up with the boy
-came out and confessed that ive always had to try to like guys weras with girls i just luv em lol
-got myself a new girlf
-made mates with her mates
-life was just peachy
-then she cheated on me
-we split up
-i then felt wierd meeting with our shared mates cuz they wer originally her mates
-my ex boy went on tour with the band and txtd/called me thru the whole tour telling me he lovd me still
-this was a headfuk 4 me cuz right now im craving a sence of security and it wud of been so easy to just go back to him cuz it was "normal"
-but we talked and we are not meeting for while again cuz hes confused and i dont wana be his lady
-i have therefore found myself feeling lonely and angry with myself for letting things go on for so long this way...
-i wish i had just come out years ago. but anyways im a no regrets person... we are who we are because of the things we experience and do...
-so anyways... this is the main bit here...

ive been very tearful the last 2days and mum askd me earlier this evening if i was ok... i lied and sed yes then walked away before i ended up crying again. she followed me and sat down with me and asked me what was up...
i was determined to keep hush because she and i have still not had "the talk" about me liking girls and coming out... but she knows anyway tho im sure lol...
but i found that i couldnt contain myself and i just blabbered almost everything out... then i cried lol

i explained that not being with the boy anymore made me realise how few true mates i had, then wen i was meeting with tash i made mates with all her mates... but now cuz im not meeting up with tash anymore... i dont wana interfear and meet up with her mates... so i have found myself feeling very lonely and pissed off at myself right now. i told mum that im tired of living here and that i feel i need a fresh start someplace new, for example brighton.
it felt so good to open up,,,

mums reaction blew me away... it wasnt wat i expected at all...

she said that she could tell im unhappy living here and although she doesnt want to see me go she thinks it wud be a good idea for me and i seem like im sussed about the move already.

so we went online and spent a few hours looking up places i cud rent.
i swear i know the map of brighton town centre off by heart now lmfao!

SO NOW I FEEL RELEAVED that its finally a weight off my back... ive told mum that i wana move... shes ok with it... and im determined that im gona make it happen before this summer really gets going...

so i went back thru some old photos of the first time i ever went to brighton...
this is me in brighton november 2006....







i cant wait to go back! im gona go for a one night stay on 31st may and im looking for someone to meet up with! so lemme know if your from that way and id love to be shown the town

kisses and happy excited cuddles
Danni Starr Bean
xXx