My life has officially gone to shit.

every female i've cared about in recent passed i've managed to offend.
and the ones from ancient passed are coming back to haunt me. just the other my ex IMed me to ask me if i'd still be at the college she was going to. why would she fucking care?

anyway,
it sucks.

i want to be in l.a. where no one knows me.
if my parents read that they'd be up my ass about how i've said that like 4 times before, but it's true.

it's hard to get rid of a reputation you're ashamed of when everyone you know
equates your being with it.

"Rylee the womanizing user manslut"

i've made some bad fucking mistakes in my past. doesn't mean i'm proud of them.

i just dont get it. why is a "relationship" so goddamn important.
i feel so pressured by some to get into one, i'm getting old, i have friends who're engaged already!! and here i am single.

the girls (that i care about) say to jump on in. my folks say to stay away. and i want both.

i want the single life without being tied down, cuz i hate the relationships i've had (nothing but bad, i'll leave the details to your imagination) and i'm afraid it's all i'll ever get. but at the same time, a relationship feels so safe.

so i feel pull in multiple directions.
am i the only one that this makes sense to?:
-new city
-new school
-new life
-need to find a job
-need to start a band
a relationship will just add more baggage and drama and i won't be able to give the one i love my full attention.

is that difficult to grasp? is that selfish? i don't know!! anymore. everytime i think i'm doing the right thing or saying the right thing i'm just offending someone i care about.

my once-silver tongue is a bit tarnished.

my views of right and wrong are all skewed thanks to recent exes, new interests and family all saying DIFFERENT things and i find it hard to think fo myself anymore. i keep harkening back to places i've been and old experiences to figure out how i should act now, and they're all WRONG. but the things i'm told now dont seem right either!

and part of me wants to say fucking i stand for what i stand for. and stick up for myself and be stubborn until i get what i want.

but the part of me thats been beaten down by old loves just wants to give in to make HER happy. to ease the anger of the wild beast. let her win so i could be with her.

i'm about to fucking snap and just turn into a stupid rockstar who if things wont go his way will just leave it behind. trouble is, i get attached to easily and have trouble leaving feelings behind.

and i dont know what to do anymore.
what's right whats wrong? and how much of a cold selfish asshole should i learn to be.