So today we'll talk about the chick that likes me and I too like her. Well yesterday we were talking via myspace and I just went ahead and told her how I felt. To sum it up, it was something like I think about you sometimes and I watch you when we are at work together and I get a kick out of watching others watch you.

Now, I am always giving this chick compliments, etc.. So finally I was like how do you feel when I compliment you and how do you feel about me. So she goes on to tell me that I make her feel beautiful and loved. Ok, hold 'em up. When she said loved, I kind of felt funny.....sort of like.....what the hell is that suppose to mean.

Ok, check this out, she has a boyfriend just like I do. So I wanted to ask her doesn't her boyfriend make her feel loved. But I didn't ask her. Then there is the whole compliments thing. I mean, this girl is hot. Her body is off the chain. Speaking of off the chain, oh my goodness.....let me tell you a quick story

I went to the currency exchange yesterday morning and there is girl behind the glass that looks good. Well yesterday that motherfucker had on this tight ass lime green shirt and you could tell that she had the Victoria Secret push up bra. (I use to work for Victoria Secret) Ok, anyway, back to this story. So her hair was up and her shirt was tight as fuck, and she looked so fuckin' sexy. If I had a dick, I swear to you it would be hard as a fuckin' rock right now. By the way, I am laughing my fucking ass off right now.

Ok, so back to this girl at work. So she tells me that she thinks I'm beautiful and that she likes me a lot, but that I probably like her more. I'm thinking, what the fuck does that mean. But hey, whatever. When she told me that she seeks attention and that I always make her feel good when we talk, I was kind of turned off. Normally, I would have talked to her by now, but I haven't talked to her all day. I also think that she said that I probably liked her more because I said that I wouldn't mind kissing her but I didn't want to have sex with her.

Shit, I don't know what the fuck I am doing.

I have no idea what I am thinking about here, what do you think I'm thinking about..........

Something that I came acroos today.......

We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love.

-THICH NHAT HANH

Sunday afternoon 12:02pm noon.......

I just have one question. Why is everyone getting on my fuckin' nerves? Seriously, I am so sick of people pissin' me off and fuckin' up my whole day.....all over stupid shit. There was a time when it took a lot to upset me, but lately every, little, thing is just setting me the fuck off.

So its Friday and couples therapy went well. I'm not feeling too good as I have caught a cold from someone. I feel like shit and I'm throwing up all the time. Well, I just wanted to say that about the therapy. Smooches to you all.

Excuses! That is all I have heard this evening. I have heard nothing but excuses. You know, my mother always used to say....,"Monique, no one can tell you when you're done. Only you will know when you are done." I feel like today was a good step in that direction.
Seriously, how many times are you going to let the same person break your heart? I don't know. I can't answer that for others. I can only answer that for myself. I think my problem is........I just try way too hard. But living with an alcoholic has been one of the toughest things I have ever had to deal with. It is mentally and physically draining. It just seems to take everything I have.

I don't know when the time will come, but I do know that it is close. The terrible thing is, this is someone that I really wanted in my life. However, we can't always have what we want. I have been to Al-Anon meetings, I have even seen a fuckin' psychiatrist, and I just can't seem to deal with this.

Then there is the side of me that is like fuck this. I'm tired of trying to do everything. And when I say everything, I mean trying to find a way to understand an alcoholic, trying to be there for an alcoholic, trying to love an alcoholic. I wish he knew sometimes just how much he exhausts me. This whole thing is just too much for me. And then I think, me, nothing is too much for me. But the toll this is taking on me is tremendous.

Do you know sometimes after a argument I need a nap. Seriously, I feel like I need to get some sleep. The feeling is so strong that sometimes my eyes begin to shut on there own. I often wonder does arguing make people really tired, tired enough to where they really need a nap. I wonder if there is a name for this.

I don't know. All I know is......I'm almost there....I really am almost there.

So today I make a decision to do something a little different for the girl that has a crush on me at work. I clipped and groomed so to speak one single white rose to give to her. Just my luck, she doesn't come to work today. So I had this beautiful rose in my locker all day. Then.....right before leaving I gave it away to some random chick in the locker room, She was all excited and said the rose smelled beautiful. Whatever the hell that means. Too bad it wasn't meant for her. Also, I got the hell out of there before she started asking me questions as to why I would bring a rose to work. Oh well, shit happens.

So today I'm doing a little bit better. There's this girl at my job who has a crush on me. She is quite beautiful, but I have nothing to offer her.

I leave for Ohio May 11th. My brother graduates from college May 12th. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do that night before. I'm just kind of rambling.

M.

So this morning, about 3:30 am, I found these text messages from another girl to my so called boyfriend. He tried to deny it at first and then later said that he only kissed her. The betrayal that I feel right now is greater than any other pain that I have ever known. I feel empty. I feel hurt. Above all, I feel immensely betrayed. And all I can think is....."How dare you?"
I can't even finish this blog
M.