Got a new hair cut for the new year... Buzzed it all off... Fresh start. Was a little iffy about it at first, hell I'll say it took about a month to get use to it, but now I dig it.

Due to the dramatical situation I've been in the past month I've decided to abstain from sex for a while... Masturbation included... Yeah, a state of celibacy is what I need. Things got hot and heavy way to fast, so it's time to see how much mind over matter I actually have. I tried this little experiment about 6 years ago and I only made it two weeks, so I'm shooting to beat that. At that point I started having the most amazing wet dreams, would wake up completly rejuvinated and at peace, feeling like a new man. Of course the clean up wasn't pleasent, but have to take the bad with the good.

I'm on day 3 as is, and I'm just fine. I'm kinda wondering when the urges are going to start being a war to fight off. Should be interesting...

Life sure is full of surprises, too bad they are far between... I don't update much, don't see much sense in it. Wheels never stop rolling, but you sure as hell get caught up in routines. That's what my life has become, reciently it's gotten exciting, but that's just because I can be a son of a bitch. And sometimes you have to take an oppurtunity that arrises, even if it's questionable, to help with the "better good" that can take place due to that said act. That's neither here nor there for now, maybe I'll deal with that shit in another blog another day...

But hell, got off of 3rd shift (thank shit for that) about 4 months ago... Huge step in getting back to "good". Haven't quite gotten there yet, but at least this Bastard can go out and have a social life again. Had myself a vacation to the Bahamas with my two brothers, that shit was a good week, but only a week. Came back and BLAM, back to the same ol shit different day.

But then damn, out of the fucking blue drama smacks ya. Hence the "son of a bitch" situation mentioned prior in this blog... Shit, maybe it's just time to take these happy feet on the road again. Obviously moving 5 times in the last few years was not enough. Maybe it's time to hit Vegas, try the poker dream perhaps... That or move to Canada and sell absinthe online, probably some legal issues there though... Hmmmmm...

Been a while since my last update. Had to get my head back on straight, and I feel like I have, for the most part anyway.

Formed a good friendship that spawned due to shared loss between us. That friendship has really been a highlight of the past year, and hope that it grows in this new one. I may (should) soon be getting a new job as well, no more anti-social 3rd shift bullshit for me. Maybe I'll be able to get some honest sleep. It's been so fucking long since I've gotten good long term rest. That's probably still a month down the line though, but something to look forward to.

No major occurances have really happened, but just the little things turning my way have really changed my mood. Yep, time isn't always a bad thing.

Yeah, Just when life starts getting better, God, if there is one, sure does like to beat you the fuck back down.
Fuck him and his crying like a bitch on the cross Son.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of finding my best friend dead lying in the fetal position in his room. He had been missing for a few days, and I knew it wasn't going to end well, but I sure as shit prayed to a fucking prick that it wouldn't end like this.

Thanks for listning to my prayers God, you Cunt, I hope Tony has the chance to ram you in the ass before you realise he should be in hell.

I am starting to write a book off of a series of vivid dreams I had been having for the past few months. They were so realistic I would wake up in cold sweats, and it would take me a min to realise that I was in my home. Then I would jump out of bed, hop on the computer and jot down the major plot points I visioned so that I wouldn't forget the details... Almost feels like my subconcious -needs- to get this story out of my system.

If I ever finish it, I am not naive enough to think it will change anyones lives by any stretch of the means. Not like how certain books have impacted my life, but I do think it could be entertaining, and that would be good enough for me. To entertain just a few, yeah that would make the effort worth it...

Unfortunatly I have been so sleep deprived lately that the dreams seem to stop coming... Oh well no worries, I think I have enough idea's to fill the gaps.

Well I finally did it. Got my first Tattoo today. I had wanted one for a long time. One to pay some respects to my family, well my brothers really. When we were children our father had made us wooden swords and shield, and on each of the shields he had put a crest on them for each of us. So I decided that would be a great idea for a tat, updated it some and definatly gave myself some creative input into it's look... But I loved the thought of it, and I've kept putting it off and off for years now. So today I just woke up and said fuck it. I'm doing it.

Went in, got a design drawn up, and blam, 4 hours later there I was... New look to my left arm... It's nice. Not nearly as painful as I expected either. Not painful at all actually. At times it felt bothersome, burned a bit and was definatly uncomfortable. But as for actual pain? Naaa. Silly as it may come off, it almost felt liberating.

I can see how these things become addictive. Though I don't have any plan for another at the moment, I would not discount the idea for the future.

I'm trying to get better. I don't consider myself a good man by any stretch of the means. I am cynical, weak, bitter, lonely, and too much of a coward to change those things about me. But that doesn't mean that I have lost faith that I -cannot- change them...

On a rare occasion I amaze myself still. I did just the other day. Sometimes the loathing I feel towards myself turns around and gives me a shining moment of strength, kindness, nobility, and grace. That gives me hope.

I wish I could harness it and become a better man.