It was late but I was still at my desk. I had a hunch. I was waiting for something. Someone. Anything. Anyone. Outside, the rain hung in sheets as...

Every hotel in Vegas smells like an unfiltered Pine Tree air freshener cigarette. Even the nice ones. I’m staying at The Venetian, which never fails to...

Author's note: Soho Rep used to produce most of my plays. They were a daring company though by no means as cutting edge as, say, The Wooster Group. They...

This holiday season it is important for those of us who write weekly columns to let our fans know that our pure minds are full of Christmas wishes. So,...

“Welcome to the GQ Men of the Year Awards. And now, in keeping with the spirit of the magazine, please join me for twenty minutes of flipping past fashion...

My wife is Extreme. She’s XXXtreme. She’s ik-'streem! When you are as Extreme as my wife you must have an outlet for all that Extremity. If you let that...

It’s supposed to get up to ninety today. I miss New York. Fuck. Should I get drunk? Should I put on different sweatpants? It’s so hot in here. What...

Ever heard the phrase “You break it, you buy it?” Well guess what? I broke Punk Rock. That’s right, it was me. Now, once that reality has burrowed itself...

I spent a good part of my childhood habitually masturbating to Kelly Ripa. In the mid-eighties there was small dance show on The USA network called “Dance...

Halloween is the karaoke of holidays. It’s for people who normally don’t get to use the “costume” side of their brains. These people usually like game...

I get real depressed every time I wet my pants. It’s textbook. I stay in bed all day, cut off all my friends, eat nothing but ice cream, and write bad...

You assholes have no idea how hard it is being a Dad. You have no idea at all. I wish you did. I wish you could walk a mile in my shoes! You’d look...

Chiropractors have huge cocks. Everyone knows that. I mean, how else could they sling all that fruity bullshit and still feel good about themselves? ...

If you’re going to Africa on a humanitarian mission to fight AIDS, don’t take AirTran*. We all want AIDS to be history but eighteen hours of airplane wine...