i'm back to having red hair. a little history...
and now, i wear dresses. occasionally...
and now, i wear dresses. occasionally...
"never" is a terribly long time...
this was originally going to be my standard post of silly silliness, and then something was said. it's neither good nor bad - it just is.
last night, i kinda freaked out. i'm not ashamed to say it. i lost my shit. relationships and the fact that i suddenly find myself in one - it's a little (okay, maybe it's a lot) more than i'm ready to walk into. and i'm not the type to think about things before i do them. noooooo, i'm the, "diving off a cliff? hell yes! sounds like a good time!" girl. so here we are. i put one toe over the cliff, it didn't look like the drop would kill me, so then i took a running leap...
*SSSSSSSSPPPPLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
now, i find myself gasping for air.
it started out as just random faces and messages in chat. i didn't really think anything of it at first. i mean, consider where we are. for fuck's sake. i'm a 5'5", belligerent, loud, single mom. i love cupcakes, but not so much going to the gym. and i'm surrounded by beautiful people here. seriously. if i wasn't cocky by nature, i'd have flashbacks to middle and high school and being the "fat, smart girl." meh. it is what it is.
but no, he had to stand out. just by the fact that he didn't go out of his way to stand out. he didn't comment on my chest like everyone else does. he noticed my smile. and he genuinely seemed to light up when i came around. in chat, but fuck you. let me be a romantic. and he was charming and funny and sweet and when he smiles, i find myself smiling too.
p.s. TAKE THAT, FLYERS!!!!!!!!!
so we started texting and talking. and i found out a little more about him. not much, admittedly, but enough. enough for the alarms and whistles.
and now, this is me...
...i'm deeply in like.
but i can see the inevitable doom on the horizon. it's me though. i won't look in that direction. i can't. i'll fall apart. so head-in-the-door, daydreams, giggling - this girl. it's a good feeling. it's a really good feeling. text messages, emails, phone calls, counting down days - all of it. i'll take it.
until today.
"i want to be with you, but that can't ever happen."
i knew it. i've always known it. but hearing it out loud forces me to deal with it. and i don't understand why. why do i have to deal with it? why can't i just be the girl who goes from like to love and gets to stay there? why does everything in my life come with a goddamn expiration date? things were going well. things were going really well. i mean, it caused me physical pain when Alex said, "tell your boyfriend i said hi" earlier, but i recognize that i've become an emotional cripple and i'm working on it. i really am. i can almost say the word "boyfriend" out loud without my eye starting to twitch. but i feel...something. and i don't know what to do now. standard operation procedure for me is to cut and run. but i can't. i don't know why i can't, but i don't have it in me. and every logical instinct is telling me that the longer i stay, the more i'm going to feel. and the more it's going to hurt.
so now i'm going to binge eat some cupcakes or just suck the salted caramel buttercream right out of the bag. damn, that sounds like a good idea. and it's suddenly hot here. which may kill me.
ggggg1qjebvnihgvj2gfv923ifg0[pogvkg5knhi23fhi8wefpjoweg;mlslms0[i24tu93
*sorry, frustration*
this was originally going to be my standard post of silly silliness, and then something was said. it's neither good nor bad - it just is.
last night, i kinda freaked out. i'm not ashamed to say it. i lost my shit. relationships and the fact that i suddenly find myself in one - it's a little (okay, maybe it's a lot) more than i'm ready to walk into. and i'm not the type to think about things before i do them. noooooo, i'm the, "diving off a cliff? hell yes! sounds like a good time!" girl. so here we are. i put one toe over the cliff, it didn't look like the drop would kill me, so then i took a running leap...
*SSSSSSSSPPPPLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
now, i find myself gasping for air.
it started out as just random faces and messages in chat. i didn't really think anything of it at first. i mean, consider where we are. for fuck's sake. i'm a 5'5", belligerent, loud, single mom. i love cupcakes, but not so much going to the gym. and i'm surrounded by beautiful people here. seriously. if i wasn't cocky by nature, i'd have flashbacks to middle and high school and being the "fat, smart girl." meh. it is what it is.
but no, he had to stand out. just by the fact that he didn't go out of his way to stand out. he didn't comment on my chest like everyone else does. he noticed my smile. and he genuinely seemed to light up when i came around. in chat, but fuck you. let me be a romantic. and he was charming and funny and sweet and when he smiles, i find myself smiling too.
p.s. TAKE THAT, FLYERS!!!!!!!!!
so we started texting and talking. and i found out a little more about him. not much, admittedly, but enough. enough for the alarms and whistles.
and now, this is me...
...i'm deeply in like.
but i can see the inevitable doom on the horizon. it's me though. i won't look in that direction. i can't. i'll fall apart. so head-in-the-door, daydreams, giggling - this girl. it's a good feeling. it's a really good feeling. text messages, emails, phone calls, counting down days - all of it. i'll take it.
until today.
"i want to be with you, but that can't ever happen."
i knew it. i've always known it. but hearing it out loud forces me to deal with it. and i don't understand why. why do i have to deal with it? why can't i just be the girl who goes from like to love and gets to stay there? why does everything in my life come with a goddamn expiration date? things were going well. things were going really well. i mean, it caused me physical pain when Alex said, "tell your boyfriend i said hi" earlier, but i recognize that i've become an emotional cripple and i'm working on it. i really am. i can almost say the word "boyfriend" out loud without my eye starting to twitch. but i feel...something. and i don't know what to do now. standard operation procedure for me is to cut and run. but i can't. i don't know why i can't, but i don't have it in me. and every logical instinct is telling me that the longer i stay, the more i'm going to feel. and the more it's going to hurt.
so now i'm going to binge eat some cupcakes or just suck the salted caramel buttercream right out of the bag. damn, that sounds like a good idea. and it's suddenly hot here. which may kill me.
ggggg1qjebvnihgvj2gfv923ifg0[pogvkg5knhi23fhi8wefpjoweg;mlslms0[i24tu93
*sorry, frustration*
sinuses are draining - yeah, totally sexy way to start this post, ouais?
i'm currently mostly naked, cocooned in an afghan that i've had forever and ever and ever, watching Serenity on Netflix and moving photos around. in about thirty seconds, i'm going to back to shopping for a vibrator. may pop over to some of the groups looking for recommendations. still kicking myself for the fact that i hadn't packed the one from Katie when i left the slum of doom.
i have a definite crush. giggles, text messages, idle thoughts, the whole nine. it's lovely. admittedly, i'm still not having sex which may well kill me though.
today is also payday. sadly, my rent has to come out of this paycheck, so there's not really any money for fun. i'm glad i've got booze, groceries, and new hair.
i'm currently mostly naked, cocooned in an afghan that i've had forever and ever and ever, watching Serenity on Netflix and moving photos around. in about thirty seconds, i'm going to back to shopping for a vibrator. may pop over to some of the groups looking for recommendations. still kicking myself for the fact that i hadn't packed the one from Katie when i left the slum of doom.
i have a definite crush. giggles, text messages, idle thoughts, the whole nine. it's lovely. admittedly, i'm still not having sex which may well kill me though.
today is also payday. sadly, my rent has to come out of this paycheck, so there's not really any money for fun. i'm glad i've got booze, groceries, and new hair.
i feel horrible. disgusting and congested and pretty much like hell. i'm blotchy. my eyes are watery and itchy. and i'm pretty sure i smell.
photos!
photos!
i finally cried.
let me preface this by saying that while having MRIs and cat scans and x-rays and being told that roughly 11% of people that have brain aneurysms rupture walk away from it unaffected and going through the panic process of "what happens if i die?", i never cried. not once. sometimes i wonder if i've just forgotten how.
and then today happened.
we're officially in our new apartment. just Alex and i. the cats will be coming home soon (shooting for May 1st or thereabouts). i'm broke as hell and still figuring out how and when i'm going to get furniture (and who i can pay to haul it up the stairs and put it together). but i'm happy. and Alex is happy.
i found out last week that i'm not dying. and i'm off medication now so i'm allowed to drink (which i haven't actually done yet). making the climb to my second-floor walk-up was a little easier today than yesterday, and this was after taking a twenty-minute walk around town. i like my neighbors, i found a nearby ATM and a little bakery. still don't know when garbage day is, but i have cable hookups in both bedrooms and the living room.
but none of that triggered it.
i commented on a blog. i didn't want or expect a response. i saw someone going through a hard time, a time that i'm all too familiar with. and i sent the poem. the same one that i found when i was twenty-three, pregnant, and alone in a hospital, wondering what i'd done wrong and what i needed to do to fix it. i wanted to share that little sliver of sunlight peeking through the darkest of gray skies. not because she asked, but because she needed it.
and she replied. a simple, very small thing. the words "Thank you" in the subject line. and that was all it took. i finally feel like a part of something in general. it was like watching the pieces of your life start to make sense after years of jibberish. after a bitchy comment about my being on chat with visible cleavage (fyi for anyone who's seen me on chat or in real life - if i'm awake and it's at or above 60F, you can see cleavage), after realizing that i will probably never go back to school, after seeing relationship after relationship circle the drain, after noticing that it i genuinely don't know how to be with anyone but the one person that i cannot be with, after finally accepting the fact that i am amazing - flaws, jiggle, crossed eyes, extra finger nubs, crazy family and all. two little words and everything came rushing out.
i cried tears of joy. for Charles, who i may finally be able to be friends with - admittedly easier when there are miles between us and he doesn't have his hand in my pants. for my son, who is failing the fourth grade but doing it on his terms. for my niece, whose parents are complete morons but at least a half-assed father is making the attempt. for my brother, who is a terrible human being but may eventually be a decent dad. for Bill, who has decided that he's quitting his job to follow a dream. for Harriet, who is my day-drinking, cigarette-smoking, foul-mouthed downstairs neighbor - yes, i got a Sophia. and for her, who is finding her legs and standing on her own - slowly, shakily, but unsupported.
you're welcome.
let me preface this by saying that while having MRIs and cat scans and x-rays and being told that roughly 11% of people that have brain aneurysms rupture walk away from it unaffected and going through the panic process of "what happens if i die?", i never cried. not once. sometimes i wonder if i've just forgotten how.
and then today happened.
we're officially in our new apartment. just Alex and i. the cats will be coming home soon (shooting for May 1st or thereabouts). i'm broke as hell and still figuring out how and when i'm going to get furniture (and who i can pay to haul it up the stairs and put it together). but i'm happy. and Alex is happy.
i found out last week that i'm not dying. and i'm off medication now so i'm allowed to drink (which i haven't actually done yet). making the climb to my second-floor walk-up was a little easier today than yesterday, and this was after taking a twenty-minute walk around town. i like my neighbors, i found a nearby ATM and a little bakery. still don't know when garbage day is, but i have cable hookups in both bedrooms and the living room.
but none of that triggered it.
i commented on a blog. i didn't want or expect a response. i saw someone going through a hard time, a time that i'm all too familiar with. and i sent the poem. the same one that i found when i was twenty-three, pregnant, and alone in a hospital, wondering what i'd done wrong and what i needed to do to fix it. i wanted to share that little sliver of sunlight peeking through the darkest of gray skies. not because she asked, but because she needed it.
and she replied. a simple, very small thing. the words "Thank you" in the subject line. and that was all it took. i finally feel like a part of something in general. it was like watching the pieces of your life start to make sense after years of jibberish. after a bitchy comment about my being on chat with visible cleavage (fyi for anyone who's seen me on chat or in real life - if i'm awake and it's at or above 60F, you can see cleavage), after realizing that i will probably never go back to school, after seeing relationship after relationship circle the drain, after noticing that it i genuinely don't know how to be with anyone but the one person that i cannot be with, after finally accepting the fact that i am amazing - flaws, jiggle, crossed eyes, extra finger nubs, crazy family and all. two little words and everything came rushing out.
i cried tears of joy. for Charles, who i may finally be able to be friends with - admittedly easier when there are miles between us and he doesn't have his hand in my pants. for my son, who is failing the fourth grade but doing it on his terms. for my niece, whose parents are complete morons but at least a half-assed father is making the attempt. for my brother, who is a terrible human being but may eventually be a decent dad. for Bill, who has decided that he's quitting his job to follow a dream. for Harriet, who is my day-drinking, cigarette-smoking, foul-mouthed downstairs neighbor - yes, i got a Sophia. and for her, who is finding her legs and standing on her own - slowly, shakily, but unsupported.
you're welcome.
packing sucks. i've broken two nails. and everyone is pissing me off. twenty-four hours from now, i'm hoping to be done.
