*check out the end of this blog...i added some pictures *
Im still waiting and waiting and fucking waiting. This set that i shot back in Jan still isnt "finished". whats even more infuriating about this situation is that he says he is working on it, but i can see he is spilling all of his free time into other things/shoots/editing. He can turn stuff out in no time, so why is mine taking months? It sucks though because we use to be friends. Oh well.

I cannot wait till the middle of august!!!! I will be in VEGAS for five or seven days!! i havent been able to decide yet haha. I cannot wait to explore the strip, and jump into lake havasu. Im going to be staying with one of my best friends, but she just moved her boyfriend from MI to out there last week, so i may need a buddy out there!

Just the other day, i spent over four hours running between my workplace, talking to HR and then the college that im trying to get into EMT classes....or was is a better word. I pretty much gave up for this semester, since somebody at work told me that work would pay up front for the classes since they did for her or she heard that they have done that before. So i never thought to get financial aid (since im paying out of district fees) or anything since i had been told, time and time again, that it would be taken care of. So i guess my dreams of being a EMT will have to wait till the winter semester.

Im dying to shoot again for the site, but i have been a little self conscious lately. It seems like no matter what i have done, little by little the scale has tipped up a little bit. Its really disheartening. Oh well, gotta work harder i guess! lol Does anybody have any tips for losing weight, and actually keeping it off? I have been eating healthier, and slowly getting back into working out...i.e running.

Severe asthma + running = dying for me. lol.

work is finally getting better, which is fucking awesome. I now work in the control room, which means that i am the eyes and ears of all my officers that i have on the floor of the casino, not to mention the cops as well it's so exciting!! It really makes me happy that i was finally given the opportunity to show that i can actually work all of the cameras, enter information into our programs, and actually dispatch people where they are needed......and i get to do it all by myself!!

Love you all! xoxo

p.s. I got bored and decided to take some pictures of my new bathing suit after i got back from the tanner. dont hate me, but they are from my cell phone

well i certainly got a pep talk from my ex's sister in law who i have kept close contact with ever since me and him broke up. Im so glad i did here is what she sent me after i let her in on what was going on...

"Rayden. It's got nothing to do with you not being good enough. Try your best to put that thought out of your head entirely. This is about a BOY with extremely limited relationship experience and even less emotional maturity. This is about a BOY that thinks about himself and his needs before ever even contemplating the well-being of others. This is about a BOY that gave in to a moment that felt right at the time, probably so right that it caused him to question every decision he's made in the last year and go bolting the other way because he couldn't possibly have made the wrong choice (he doesn't make mistakes, remember).

Hope is a funny thing. In our hearts (girls anyway), it will always win out over rationality. We always WANT to believe, right? I know (at least I have a pretty good understanding) why you let yourself go in that situation. I know what it's like to love so much it hurts... to have that which gave you so much happiness for so long (and then caused so much pain afterward) suddenly reappear in your life carrying the HOPE of a tomorrow with it. No one can blame you for loving him, or giving in to the moment. YOU have to STOP blaming yourself for it. There's no shame in hope, even if it's occasionally misplaced. You know more now than you did then and I'm pretty sure you're not into repeating your mistakes. Eventually (and I'm pretty sure that after this initial period of adjustment, it's not going to take you long), you'll look back at this and laugh. Not because it's funny but because you let this insignificant, selfish LITTLE BOY make you feel devalued and demoralized.... and in your heart of hearts (even now), you KNOW you're above this. Beyond it. Over it.

Anyway, as much as it sucks girl, at least you know where you stand with him now. You deserve more than this... more than him... more than most actually Rayden. Don't forget - YOU are the one making the rules for your life. YOU decide how much you're going to let your emotions affect you. I'm not all about repression, by any means, but here's what I mean. People need feelings and emotions in order to maintain their humanity. The trouble is, it's WAAAAAY too easy sometimes to dwell in the ones that make us feel the most. You know what you want out of life Rayden, even if you don't have the specifics nailed down yet. And pining for someone that is so obviously (especially now) NOT WORTH IT is probably not on that list. YOU are worth more than a bootie call disguised as a half-assed attempt at "friendship". (I'm sorry if that sounded harsh girl, you know I love you.)

Reclaim your confidence Rayden. Reclaim your spirit. Reclaim your SELF. YOU are already everything you'll ever need to be... the rest is just growing and evolving. If he can't the diamond you are (and I mean that in every sense of the word), has no trouble carelessly tossing your feelings around and is so ... so ... STUPID as to put that other girl on "repeat" without even bothering to let you in on what was going on in his head... THEY DESERVE EACH OTHER.

I'm sorry you're hurting, you know I am. But as much as I hate cliches, you're forcing me to put them out there. (*smile*) This too shall pass. The darkest hour has but 60 minutes. You'll get by with a little help from your friends. [] [♥] Love you girl.

I love her so much. She really knocks some sense into me when i really need it. It was really what i needed since my mom only muttered two sentences about the situation, but what she said meant a lot.... "dont ever let anybody take advantage of your kindness and generosity, even if you still love them."

I have felt a lot better today since i made that realization

My new obsession is lace body suits, im not quite sure why i didnt fall in love with these sooner, but im head over heels for these. I may just raid american eagle, and jcpenny on thursday when i get paid. lol.


a picture i found on pinterest.

and lace skirts...im in love. <3


here is another picture for you guys <3

well im not really quite sure where to start...

My ex who decided to pop back into my life decided to go back to the girl that he just broke up with and when we hung out, he talked so much shit about her....like how she is insane and whatnot. What i dont get is how and why do people who probably dont deserve a second chance, end up getting one, and the people who never did a damn thing wrong, dont. It really baffles me. I was finally starting to be happy with what had happened between me and him and then he fucking started talking to me again, just to leave me broken hearted again. Now i feel anxious and fucking shitty all over again, and keep questioning why does this shit always happen to me. Oh well though....hopefully it wont last months again like it did last time.

I have been talking to somebody pretty amazing though through all of this. Its going very painfully slow but im hoping that its all worth it in the end. Or i dont know, maybe im getting fucked over again. Time will tell.

i have a photographer sending me a set soon hopefully....i shot it back in jan. but i havent seen it since. Needless to say im not going to be working with him again, because i ended up wasting 70$ alone for gas back and forth to detroit and i still have nothing to show for it. We use to be friends, but i guess we really arent friends so much any more because he is convinced that he will be shooting models for some italian version of Vogue. Highly unlikely.

I just ended my 14 day stretch at work, it was totally helacious and not even worth being there lol. Some funny shit did happen like four people being locked in one of our elevators for two hours. What happened is that they all decided to jump up and down at the same time in there and they threw the elevator into the emergency stop mode. lol. One guy had a massive panic attack, but for the most part everybody was ok.

Some lady had been at the casino for over 24 hours, and when we were finally able to find her sister, she said that she had brought her to the casino to get her out of the house and get her away from her heroin junky friends. So we have a junky in the casino but here is where it gets better...she has open nasty sores on her hands and her hands are so infected they look like they are about to explode....Can you guess what she had??? Open staph infections!!! and every single surface she had touched was infected and remember, she had been there for over 24 hours....we all were freaking out. lol

But other than that, i am hoping to shoot a new set soon and for something good to happen to me! lol

i hate it when i cant sleep through the whole night, especially when i have such a long and busy day today...ugh.

I have to go to this new college i enrolled at, KCC (kellogg community college) and talk to an admissions counselor today and figure out what the hell i can do there since my old boss fucked me over on getting into the nursing program at my old college.

Yesterday i spent hours on the phone talking to debt collectors since im only one or two months behind on some of my bills, and i told them that since i had to finish up court stuff i couldnt pay them until my next paycheck in may...kind of made my case when i told them if i dont pay this court stuff they certainly wouldnt be getting their money haha.

But officially as of yesterday i am free of court debt, and my court appointed "therapist" finally sent out the exit paper saying that i have completed everything!! hopefully i get off of probation early...that would be epic.

I have made the decision that in August i will be going to Las Vegas to stay with a friend for a few days I cant wait, im so excited. And just to make sure i have enough fucking money to go, im going out today and picking up a second job!! i know i must be insane, but i have to get out of this freaking state at least for a second. And where better to go than Sin City?

Anyways, off to get ready to start my day and finally be productive lol.

love you all

I love love love watching America's next best dance crew...it makes me miss dancing so much. I wish it wasnt so expensive to join a class or studio and then ask them not to throw me into the adult class haha.

Just a random picture from my shitty laptop camera lol


found these gems on pinterest

So so so cute. i have a soft spot for star wars



This is me having a good time all dressed up at a bar in kalamazoo called Shakespears


And my new "roommate" Sangria! hahaha


Thats it for today, im looking forward to seeing some comments about my set when i get home from work

Alright, here is my latest set....Simplicity



Still a little bummed that it didnt even get a nod towards member review, not quite sure what exactly is wrong with it, i know there is always room for improvement though. So im not being totally negative about this experience. Any sort of constructive criticism is more than welcome and encouraged so i can do better on the next set!



I have been working like a dog, 20 hours of over time on the first paycheck in may hopefully i will be able to catch up on my court stuff (which on thursday will be paid off) my drivers responsibility fee and the fee to get my license back (a total of 450$ by may 5th) get back up to speed on my credit card bills and keep up with my cell phone, car insurance, and car payment lol. Heres to hoping and crossing my fingers.

I hope i catch a break here soon with SG, its been a dream of mine to go pink since 2007....so as im working my ass off at work, im going to be getting healthy and working out like crazy, maybe get a little slimmer before i get in front of the camera again...who knows.

but thats all for now,
love you all.

Well that set was a bust...didnt even make it into member review...I'm a little disappointed

I will be posting my denied set called "simplicity" in my pictures tomorrow night, feel free to comment on it and leave some constructive criticism so I can figure out where I went wrong :/

I have officially turned in my newest set called Simplicity!!!! yay!! i finally feel like a true hopeful again and im excited to have everybody see it, i submitted it for obviously both reviews so im sure it will go into the queue for member review.

here is a quick little sneak peek into the set









and then i also have some random pictures from another fun shoot!







im so excited right now i feel like a combination of being on cloud nine and a little kid right before they tear into their presents at Christmas time.

Right now life has been.....ok. It has its ups and downs, which is to be expected, but im trying to get my shit together for school. its a pain to transfer transcripts between schools, but hopefully tomorrow i will be able to go to the college and talk to a dean about the EMT program or else a radiology program. Oh yeah! tomorrow also starts a 14 day stretch at work, with two days of over time! its going to suck, but the overtime will make it worth while

but heres to my set and im crossing my fingers!!!

i truly feel like a horrible hopeful....good news is i finally found out that the latest set i shot is ready to be put together and submitted, just have to get the pictures in the right order and fine tune it and pick them up!! im so excited.

just another random picture...



in other news, my ex (nick) came back into my life and while i am on cloud nine about the whole situation, i hate the fact that i dont know what the end result will be. I mean im about 90% certain we will be back together, but i would like to be 100% sure. I mean if he initiated contact after 8 months of silence and was all excited about hanging out and we have been talking every single day since then....dont you think he would have the slightest interest in seeing of where things go...maybe be in a relationship again? maybe im just crazy, but i still love the guy.

oh well....maybe absence does make heart grow fonder.....time will tell, i just hope for my anxiety's sake that its quick!!

thank you for all the comments on my last post about my new pictures! you guys make me feel loved

anyways, things are finally looking up!! i jumped back onto a dating website that i use to be on, and i started talking to somebody the first night, and he seems pretty awesome. Met him for the first time last night and wow....his pictures do not do him justice. He is sweet, actually can hold up a conversation, flies planes, going to school for aviation....has a job....an oh yeah! he isnt in north carolina in camp lejune. lol.

I have cut ties with about 90% of my old friends, and i have moved on to bigger and better things. I pretty much have hardly been home for the last week or so because everybody has been wanting to go out and do things every night. im glad that at least my true friends are there for me, when i really need them and i can trust them

I went to see the hunger games movie.......and it was awesome! i cannot wait for the next one to come out! i am going to have to go buy the books and finish them quickly!

I finally have a date on when i am going to go pick out the pictures for the set so it can be submitted and its going to be..........wait for it.........wait for it......the first week of april. which is right around the corner! and i will probably get my other set that i shot about 2-3 months ago soon as well. I just sent him all of the paper work and everything, since he couldnt find it on the site. oh well.

but im excited!!

#kidinacandystore