Hey, I have the internet again. That's pretty neat, huh?

Okay, I guess I'm Ratchett on the Eonar realm, with the hordes. This game is pretty confusing.

So I started playing Wow. I know, wow. How could I? A betrayal to myself. I'm waiting for the patch to finish downloading so I can crack out and see if my friends are online. If I knew what server I'm on, I would totally post my information, but I don't, because my friends just picked the server they're all on. Ah well.

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, black bird
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate sitting in cages,
Never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits
Beckoning, beckoning,
Just beyond the bars.
How can you remain,
Staring at the rain,
Maddened by the stars?
</sweeney todd>

I feel like a baby. Brand new. It's summertime, I just quit my job, I just quit my boyfriend, I'm out of school, and I need structure. I also haven't been doing very much modeling lately (okay, none at all), I'm about a month away from shaving the rest of my hair (I haven't updated with my new hair yet, I don't think, I'll remember to at the end of this post, hopefully.) and I've become bored of the internet. So what do I do with my time?

I wish I knew.

I cook. A little bit. I make at least one substantial meal per day. Haven't been making cookies/brownies/cupcakes as often as I should, as well as side dishes (rice, quinoa, steamed veggies, etc but it's the next step. I know, how can I say I haven't been making enough sweets? That's a good thing, right? Maybe, but I'm in a bit of a rut and some chocolate would make everything better. But the thing is, is that cooking isn't my job. It can hardly be considered a hobby (well, it is, but even hobbies come and go). It's a required function. Eating is in that same category of sleeping, showing, going to the bathroom, therefor cooking should be a member of that same family, not something I do "when I have a shit-ton of free time". I'm trying to figure out how to layer the upcoming aspects of my life, with cooking being the base of it all, the "meat", if you will (or "seitan"...I'm going to get to the seitan of the issue...I'm so funny. not. anyway). Layered on top, a job that I don't despise, a social life, and some creative hobbies. And of course, taking care of the house, doing some mowing, so on, so forth.

So first things first: a job. I've been looking for a night time janitorial position. Lame, I know. But I'm sick of talking to people, sick of dealing with people, and sick of pretending to be nice and happy. Telemarketing blew. So bad. I never want to utter the words, "how are you doing today?" ever again, unless I am genuinely asking a friend. I should be out looking more, I know I should, but right now I have this huge wart on the bottom of my toe that NEEDS to go away before I can be expected to stand/walk around for an entire shift. Hurts like a bitch. So I've got some duct tape on it and I'm trying to keep it dry. I know it's a stupid excuse not to look for a job, but I have been looking, albeit slowly. Maybe in the meantime I should sell crafts online.

Which brings me of course to the next problem: lack of motivation. You'd think that sitting around on my ass all day would give me plenty of opportunity to do creative things, but alas, I am as lazy as my cat. I have many different "hobbies" just waiting to be picked back up: sewing, screenprinting, clay sculpting, modeling, photography, drawing, just to name a few. But my art supplies sit in a tall white shelf, in the living room, right next to a huge work area, collecting dust. Go me. I need to figure out how to get myself going, get myself amped out, and get myself on the floor cutting things out and applying ink and glue. I think the only thing that will work is to schedule "craft time" into each day; an hour of anything crafty I want, be it painting or cutting out pieces of paper, and follow through. In fact, that was what got me off my ass and start to cook: a food calendar. I know it sounds nerdy, but there is something very helpful about having all of the meals I'm going to be making for the week, along with the book and page number the recipe is in, and knowing that I have all of the food for everything because I knew what I needed when I went grocery shopping. Maybe this same sort of idea will help me with my hobbies.

I'm going to interrupt this "meaningful" blog with a rant about Frogstar. I love him to death, and it seems to me we get along a lot better now that we're not married (ok, we were never married, but you get the point). However, he still doesn't have his car licensed, which means that he is still relying on me to get him to work. When you live 20-30 minutes from town, that's a huge hassle. Especially since most of the time it's "hey, wake up, I have to be at work in half an hour!" It means I have to drag my groggy ass out of bed and be prepared to drive into town immediately, or let him borrow the car. And if I let him borrow the car, I'm stuck here unless someone is kind enough to give me a ride elsewhere. It sucks, and it's really not fair to me at all. Especially since he'll have two days off work in a row, plenty of time to get everything taken care of, and he'll sit on the couch and play videogames the entirety of it. Now, I don't care about him playing video games, it's one of those cares I tossed out the window when I dumped him, but it wouldn't take him very long and he knows I'll help him with it if he needs help. Another thing he's put off is getting his own bed. Last week I tossed everything of his into the extra bedroom, brought my computer in here (my bedroom) and for the first time since highschool I have a bedroom that is 100% mine. Oh, except this guy that sleeps here with me because we don't have a suitable couch for him (we have a short love seat and Frogstar is a giant) and I'm not going to force him on the floor because of all of the spiders and bugs. So what can I do? I can give him a time limit (you have a week to stop relying on me for rides and sleep comfort) but then he bitches about being given ultimatums. I do think I'm being very patient, what kind of ex girlfriend drives their ex boyfriend to work and allows him to sleep with her? I must be taken advantage of, but this complaint falls on deaf ears.

It's so annoying. What a bother.

I know I said I was interrupting the blog for the rant, but now I have a sour taste in my mouth, so I'm going to drink a glass of red wine and do the dishes. Here's that picture I amazingly remembered:


And here is a picture from my last shoot:

It's balls hot. In fact I must leave the computer soon for it is radiating heat that I could very well do without. Back to night #4 of red wine, candles, and squashing fast beetlebugs.

Hmm. So I broke it off with Frogstar a couple of days ago. It's a sticky situation. I still really love him, but we've been going out for over two years now, I haven't been single in almost 3, and we just fought constantly. We're still sharing the same bedroom, although we are in the process of clearing out the other bedroom so he can move in there (where will this computer go?!). I'm not sure I'm ready to completely let go of him, because he is such a great guy and above everything, we're really great friends. But that's not what I'm worried about. I'm more worried about him not being able to let go of me. Even though we aren't together anymore, he still acts as though we are, and I'm afraid I'll eventually have to push him farther and farther away until he understands that I'm totally serious and not wanting to go back with him.

We'll see.

So all of my family is in California. Well, not all of them. But my mom, stepdad, sister, brother in law, niece, grandma, and grandpa are all visiting my sister in San Diego. Swell. Thanks for, um, the invitation.

I feel like I've been excommunicated or something.

Um. Holy shit. I mean it. Holy shit. I just got a new bright shiny monitor (that a friend gave me) and I've been introduced to a brand new world of SG. There are tabs. That is so cute. And it's so colorful! I finally understand what people are talking about when they say that the Suicidegirls post in pink. This is woa. Good job, SG. I've been underestimating your graphic designer all this time.