Well... I ARE HAPPY DAMN GIRL!!!
Me and Mr. Freeman don't have to be a secret anymore! Dis makes me verrrrrrry happies
yay! heehee!
Soooo I finally convinced myself that I needed to get a 360 so I did! I got the elite system and I can't wait for it to get here!!! *grumble grumble grumble* It's supposed to come sometime next week but... I WANT IT NOW x_x I got Halo 3 and Final Fantasy XIII so I'm basically never going to leave my room now!
<--- that's my happy "YES" face XD
Me and Mr. Freeman don't have to be a secret anymore! Dis makes me verrrrrrry happies
yay! heehee!Soooo I finally convinced myself that I needed to get a 360 so I did! I got the elite system and I can't wait for it to get here!!! *grumble grumble grumble* It's supposed to come sometime next week but... I WANT IT NOW x_x I got Halo 3 and Final Fantasy XIII so I'm basically never going to leave my room now!
<--- that's my happy "YES" face XDI just had another nightmare... I don't feel like editing this at all. The person I refer to as "you" is Mr. Freeman for those of you who know that is.... I think I'm going to try and go back to sleep now...
I was just having a nice dream about you and then suddenly there are zombies everywhere and no is seriously freaked out about it because they are slow and we can always just run away. They are really slow moving. I am walking home with some people and I drop my book I was reading and look into the woods. I can see the sickly white sallow skin, caving chest, and outlined ribs of a male zombie just… standing there. It creeps me out immensely and I run to catch up with my friends. Somehow I’m suddenly in your car with you and we are driving to my house… there are quite a few extremely starved and weak looking zombies just standing around. I am highly creeped out and scared, you are really calm. You suddenly start to unroll the windows and I began freaking out, “what are you doing?!?!” you say nothing just look at me calmly and then say, “It’s going to be okay…” I’m freaking out hardcore, especially when this 20ish year old looking male zombie comes up to the car and I quickly move to the back seat to get away from the window.
It opens the door as you open yours and I quickly slide out while you calmly get out and…. The male zombie starts talking, “what are you doing… what do you think you are supposed to do… you call 911 here, I am going to call 911” it said in a low and strange twisted voice. Then there was this female zombie wearing what looks like paramedics scrubs and she…. Locks on to me, walking (not shuffling but a steady gait) straight towards me saying, “stop you aren’t supposed to leave the scene… what do you do when there is an accident… you call 911” she just kept saying that and coming towards me. I don’t know what you were doing. I am full on panicking and wild eyed scared at this point and I do what I do best, run. I head straight for the unscreened-in porch and the female zombie gives chase, still repeating over and over that sentence, but she was running after me not that stumbling shuffling thing that zombies do. No there was intent and power behind its movements… I get on the porch and as it’s hitting the stairs I’m diving and rolling off the porch under the railing. She follows suit. I run around the side of the trailer and… then somehow I’m inside the house. I don’t know how I got in there or what was happening to you. I was already extremely scared and freaked out and the knowledge that I didn’t know what had happened to you was debilitatingly distressful to me. I’m in the kitchen and I walk over to that big window and peer through the blinds.
I see your car the driver’s side door is open… and you are still calmly standing there next to it and that male zombie is still sitting in the passenger seat, I assume it was still talking. Then out of nowhere there are about 30 zombies, they are not the pathetic starved almost dead looking ones from before, no, these are plump and… healthy looking. Their movements are not like the other zombies I’ve seen; there is an intelligent force behind them. I am terrified. You do not move or try to run and I began to get frantic, screaming for you to come to the door so I can let you in. I scramble to where the doors are but, they are gone there is only wall. There were no doors and I was safely trapped inside my house unable to save you and was forced to watch what happened through that window. They are all around you and you still had not moved at all and there are so many that I can no longer see you anymore. I…. don’t know what happened to you.
I woke up really cold and shaking/trembling and there was a tear welling in my eye. I feel a bit sick, nauseated, and a little paranoid. It’s 4 something in the morning…
I was just having a nice dream about you and then suddenly there are zombies everywhere and no is seriously freaked out about it because they are slow and we can always just run away. They are really slow moving. I am walking home with some people and I drop my book I was reading and look into the woods. I can see the sickly white sallow skin, caving chest, and outlined ribs of a male zombie just… standing there. It creeps me out immensely and I run to catch up with my friends. Somehow I’m suddenly in your car with you and we are driving to my house… there are quite a few extremely starved and weak looking zombies just standing around. I am highly creeped out and scared, you are really calm. You suddenly start to unroll the windows and I began freaking out, “what are you doing?!?!” you say nothing just look at me calmly and then say, “It’s going to be okay…” I’m freaking out hardcore, especially when this 20ish year old looking male zombie comes up to the car and I quickly move to the back seat to get away from the window.
It opens the door as you open yours and I quickly slide out while you calmly get out and…. The male zombie starts talking, “what are you doing… what do you think you are supposed to do… you call 911 here, I am going to call 911” it said in a low and strange twisted voice. Then there was this female zombie wearing what looks like paramedics scrubs and she…. Locks on to me, walking (not shuffling but a steady gait) straight towards me saying, “stop you aren’t supposed to leave the scene… what do you do when there is an accident… you call 911” she just kept saying that and coming towards me. I don’t know what you were doing. I am full on panicking and wild eyed scared at this point and I do what I do best, run. I head straight for the unscreened-in porch and the female zombie gives chase, still repeating over and over that sentence, but she was running after me not that stumbling shuffling thing that zombies do. No there was intent and power behind its movements… I get on the porch and as it’s hitting the stairs I’m diving and rolling off the porch under the railing. She follows suit. I run around the side of the trailer and… then somehow I’m inside the house. I don’t know how I got in there or what was happening to you. I was already extremely scared and freaked out and the knowledge that I didn’t know what had happened to you was debilitatingly distressful to me. I’m in the kitchen and I walk over to that big window and peer through the blinds.
I see your car the driver’s side door is open… and you are still calmly standing there next to it and that male zombie is still sitting in the passenger seat, I assume it was still talking. Then out of nowhere there are about 30 zombies, they are not the pathetic starved almost dead looking ones from before, no, these are plump and… healthy looking. Their movements are not like the other zombies I’ve seen; there is an intelligent force behind them. I am terrified. You do not move or try to run and I began to get frantic, screaming for you to come to the door so I can let you in. I scramble to where the doors are but, they are gone there is only wall. There were no doors and I was safely trapped inside my house unable to save you and was forced to watch what happened through that window. They are all around you and you still had not moved at all and there are so many that I can no longer see you anymore. I…. don’t know what happened to you.
I woke up really cold and shaking/trembling and there was a tear welling in my eye. I feel a bit sick, nauseated, and a little paranoid. It’s 4 something in the morning…
*happy sigh*
Oh this weekend is greatly needed.... I'm just so very very happy right now for those that keep up with the saga of my life I'm sure you can guess who is here and why that makes me so happy!
Oh this weekend is greatly needed....
I'm just so very very happy right now for those that keep up with the saga of my life I'm sure you can guess who is here and why that makes me so happy! Alright well the laptop.... is working fine for now. I updated the BIOS and some other shit and I'm hoping it'll be fine for awhile.
Soooo yeah! I'm really happy I've been able to go through the majority of all my stuff and clear out/donate a bunch of stuff! I've got my room organized perfectly
Not much new going on around here... same old thing work and... work! I can't seem to motivate myself to really create anything at the moment, I dunno what that's all about :\
wow..... I just had this sweeping wave of despair wash over me......
So my plans are just falling through... transferring offices with the PO is no go I'll have to reapply and maybe get a job that might pay close to what I'm getting now... the possible roommate situation I thought might work out seems like it isn't going to happen... in about 2 weeks I'm going to have no mode of transportation other than my roller blades... I could use the money in my savings(I've been saving it for emergencies in case I can't find a job in Gville) to buy a motorcycle(I know nothing about them), try and find some way to take the motorcycle class almost 2 hrs away...I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore, if I ever knew in the first place... my parents can't help me with anything.... so.... I'm all alone in everything and I feel just a bit like I'm sinking and this time I'm not going to come up.... I don't want to be dependent on anyone but it seems like that's my fate.... I'm too weak to do anything by myself but I'll never ask for help..... I feel so old in a lot of respects and it makes my inexperience and "youngness" aggravatingly and glaringly obvious to me and I can't stand it... I feel like a fish with only one fin, perpetually swimming in a circle until it dies......
*sigh.... I guess I really must be unpleasant, not fun, or boring to be around because no one ever wants to do anything with me, I'll call someone and they either can't/don't want to/ or have other plans. Always. Without fail. No one ever invites me to anything ever..... I must really suck that none of the of the people I know around here want to hangout or be around me because I know I don't smell bad :\
Ok I'm done whining now... I'm gonna go crawl under a rock..........
Soooo yeah! I'm really happy I've been able to go through the majority of all my stuff and clear out/donate a bunch of stuff! I've got my room organized perfectly
Not much new going on around here... same old thing work and... work! I can't seem to motivate myself to really create anything at the moment, I dunno what that's all about :\
wow..... I just had this sweeping wave of despair wash over me......
So my plans are just falling through... transferring offices with the PO is no go I'll have to reapply and maybe get a job that might pay close to what I'm getting now... the possible roommate situation I thought might work out seems like it isn't going to happen... in about 2 weeks I'm going to have no mode of transportation other than my roller blades... I could use the money in my savings(I've been saving it for emergencies in case I can't find a job in Gville) to buy a motorcycle(I know nothing about them), try and find some way to take the motorcycle class almost 2 hrs away...I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore, if I ever knew in the first place... my parents can't help me with anything.... so.... I'm all alone in everything and I feel just a bit like I'm sinking and this time I'm not going to come up.... I don't want to be dependent on anyone but it seems like that's my fate.... I'm too weak to do anything by myself but I'll never ask for help..... I feel so old in a lot of respects and it makes my inexperience and "youngness" aggravatingly and glaringly obvious to me and I can't stand it... I feel like a fish with only one fin, perpetually swimming in a circle until it dies......
*sigh.... I guess I really must be unpleasant, not fun, or boring to be around because no one ever wants to do anything with me, I'll call someone and they either can't/don't want to/ or have other plans. Always. Without fail. No one ever invites me to anything ever..... I must really suck that none of the of the people I know around here want to hangout or be around me because I know I don't smell bad :\
Ok I'm done whining now... I'm gonna go crawl under a rock..........
*sigh so my laptop is fucking up.......AGAIN!
So I'm not going to be around much until I can get this thing figured out... UGH! I am so ticked off about this...
So I'm not going to be around much until I can get this thing figured out... UGH! I am so ticked off about this...
I can't really say what brought this on, I just had this overwhelming sense of emptiness sweep over me.... just random ponderings as they came to my mind is all.....
*sigh
I feel so vulnerable and exposed...
"Pessimistic Thoughts.........."
Sometimes… I just get so tired of my existence. I get tired of knowing nothing about anything… I don’t know who I am, where I want to be, or what I want to do. It is the unknown that mankind has always feared, sure we’ve personified and given the unknown an image; take the darkness for example humans have poor night vision=can’t see= unknown=fear. I have tried to keep my mind silent for so long that I never realized that in my fervor to keep it quite that my struggles became what was making all the noise and that… it is so very quite in my head now, there is a great nothingness…
I keep hoping that when I move that things will change for me but… I hardly think that a change in environment is really going to make anything better; I’m still going to be me. I have absolutely no reason to feel so depressed, empty, and alone… and yet I find myself feeling this way. I wish…. I could change myself, I feel so inadequate and pathetic all the time… spineless and weak… tired and alone. I put on a brave front for everyone to see, to give them hope, and strength but on the inside I’m just that terrified little girl screaming and crying at the front door fighting with that baby gate trying to escape that dark looming figure moving slowly out of the shadows… true story btw…
I feel like there is so much that I should be able to do, I see other people do things all the time and yet I somehow can’t. I have put myself in a cage and had it welded closed, I hold myself back from everything. I think about everything too much, and it impedes upon my actions to the point that I end up doing nothing and lamenting my inaction later.
I don’t know what I want… well that’s not entirely true I want to be happy… I… know I said that other people can’t be the source of your happiness but that they should add to what you’ve got, I don’t honestly feel that way… at least not in regards to myself because, I know there is no point in my fighting myself and who I am anymore. Alone I am weak, but being with another person that needs me makes me strong, I need to live for someone else because my existence alone feels meaningless.
I think that… there is something very wrong with my mind, that I may be quite off my rocker and that I’ve just learned to hide my crazy…
please save me.........
*sigh
I feel so vulnerable and exposed...
"Pessimistic Thoughts.........."
Sometimes… I just get so tired of my existence. I get tired of knowing nothing about anything… I don’t know who I am, where I want to be, or what I want to do. It is the unknown that mankind has always feared, sure we’ve personified and given the unknown an image; take the darkness for example humans have poor night vision=can’t see= unknown=fear. I have tried to keep my mind silent for so long that I never realized that in my fervor to keep it quite that my struggles became what was making all the noise and that… it is so very quite in my head now, there is a great nothingness…
I keep hoping that when I move that things will change for me but… I hardly think that a change in environment is really going to make anything better; I’m still going to be me. I have absolutely no reason to feel so depressed, empty, and alone… and yet I find myself feeling this way. I wish…. I could change myself, I feel so inadequate and pathetic all the time… spineless and weak… tired and alone. I put on a brave front for everyone to see, to give them hope, and strength but on the inside I’m just that terrified little girl screaming and crying at the front door fighting with that baby gate trying to escape that dark looming figure moving slowly out of the shadows… true story btw…
I feel like there is so much that I should be able to do, I see other people do things all the time and yet I somehow can’t. I have put myself in a cage and had it welded closed, I hold myself back from everything. I think about everything too much, and it impedes upon my actions to the point that I end up doing nothing and lamenting my inaction later.
I don’t know what I want… well that’s not entirely true I want to be happy… I… know I said that other people can’t be the source of your happiness but that they should add to what you’ve got, I don’t honestly feel that way… at least not in regards to myself because, I know there is no point in my fighting myself and who I am anymore. Alone I am weak, but being with another person that needs me makes me strong, I need to live for someone else because my existence alone feels meaningless.
I think that… there is something very wrong with my mind, that I may be quite off my rocker and that I’ve just learned to hide my crazy…
please save me.........
*sigh well this was exam week and I only had my painting class presentation to do since I flunked out on all my other classes.
I'm looking forward to this looong stretch of no school work, I'm so very tired of it all. I hope that when I start school at Pitt I'll be a bit more enthused about classes... I'm not looking forward to royally destroyed my GPA is now but it couldn't last forever, I've never had such a high GPA in my life and... I now know why, because it is too stressful to maintain it. I'm going to miss all the scholarship money I was getting though.
I am really sleepy right now, I suppose 5hrs of sleep will do that to you haha.
x_x
anyways not much going on with me here, other than my being so incredibly happy and loved
I'm looking forward to this looong stretch of no school work, I'm so very tired of it all. I hope that when I start school at Pitt I'll be a bit more enthused about classes... I'm not looking forward to royally destroyed my GPA is now but it couldn't last forever, I've never had such a high GPA in my life and... I now know why, because it is too stressful to maintain it. I'm going to miss all the scholarship money I was getting though.
I am really sleepy right now, I suppose 5hrs of sleep will do that to you haha.
x_x
anyways not much going on with me here, other than my being so incredibly happy and loved
Philosophical Musings on the late night run....
The mind, it swims in a sea of thought... how crowded this fish bowl has become! Brimming and yet not overflowing, will the floodgates ever break? To let loose this massive consciousness and free the caged being? Time a child of mankind it is our keeper and with its passage our spirits run a course much like water... penetrating the depths, it can make its own path or find one that has already been carved out. So I ask you, do you make your own way or follow the course?
The mind, it swims in a sea of thought... how crowded this fish bowl has become! Brimming and yet not overflowing, will the floodgates ever break? To let loose this massive consciousness and free the caged being? Time a child of mankind it is our keeper and with its passage our spirits run a course much like water... penetrating the depths, it can make its own path or find one that has already been carved out. So I ask you, do you make your own way or follow the course?
