" A conscience doesn't stop you from doing bad things, it simply prevents you from enjoying them,"; no truer words spoken. Also, very pertinent to this blog of mine. Skipping some of the more personal details, I have spent the last 3 years, fairly emotionless. I say , fairly because I can feel, but only the negative side. Anger, rage, hurt, guilt, etc. Sometimes, not even those. It comes from too much, too much of everything. Eventually my psyche hits its limit, and shuts down as a reflex. Even when I feel pain, I am shocked because everything else is so numb. Its like being hollow. Anyway, I excepted it. I was worried after six months, when it got to a year I tried to deal with things. However, it became apparent that I have too much buried so that if I try to feel one thing, like happiness, everything just assaults my mind in a barrage of tangled feelings, and I shut off as a reflex.

I met a girl. Not the first since this happened, but the first that mattered. Usually, I dont care. Its nice don't get me wrong, but when it came down to it, they leave and i could give a fuck.

This girl is different. Everytime i see her I can't help but smile. The last few nights, we have talked for hours until our phones die. Its nice, shes smart, funny, ambitious, kind, and oh so sexy. We seem to connect, and even she has mentioned how strange it is. I like it because it means I am still capable of feeling. If nothing else, having met her has given me hope.

The hitch: Her boyfriend....

Nothing has happened, but it still is complicated since neither of us is dumb enough to deny that we actually care. I do not want to complicate her life though, so I maintain distance. If I were her though, the fact that she is so happy just talking to me, and he treats her like such a piece of shit, should be enough of a clue that shit isn't gonna work out.

See, this is complication I do not need in my life, but dammit I can't walk away. Any advice from an outside perspective is welcome because clearly my mind is clouded.

Bought MW 3 and Battlefield 3, so soon there will be death and carnage, oh yes there will. Making bacon wrapped chicken with asparagus, and sweet potatoes. I may even throw together a salad. I have to hit the weights and pound out my routine before i can eat or play video games though, it helps me stay motivated.

Boring I know, but this is day to day shit, and when you work 12 hour days, sometimes a little monotony is just what the doctor ordered...

Take care my freaky darlings.

Halloween is done, and what a shit show. Some asshole decided to leave 5 sticks of dynamite in a cooler on a path near my house, about a block away from a school. The kicker was the dynamite was old, which means it was sweating Nitro Glycerin. Had the street blocked for hours while the bomb squad got their robot and checked it out.,, I had to work so it wasn't any inconvenience to me to leave my house. It was so dead, and I had a shit tonne of candy, so I basically walked around and gave fistfuls of chocolate to any customer who would take it.

I also read a local article in response to the two lesbians that got kicked out of a Tim Hortons for making out. It was some local hick writing in applauding the decision, saying that it was biblically incorrect, and repulsive to most normal people. How it wasn't natural or the same as a hetero couple having a PDA, because there is no Gay sex gene.

WTF. Suck on it you ignorant cousin fucker. Seriously? You want to bring religion into a same sex situation, and how many boys are molested by priests, the very icon of said deity? GAY GENE, well you have me there, there isnt a gay gene, but there isnt a HETERO GENE either fucktard. There are male and female sex chromosomes, but that doesn't mean when they get together its demonstrating Gods plan, it means you are having a boy not a girl. IDIOT.

I for one think Tim Hortons should promote a lesbian day. I for one wouldn't be offended if two women decided to kiss each other, hell I may just get a refill because that, to me, is hot. We could even promote a pastry to commemorate the event, like they do with the smile cookies. Get some sort of Vag shaped jelly doughnut. Seriously though, short of indecent exposure because it is a kid friendly environment and no parent should have to answer " how come those two mommies are touching each others no no parts ", before they have had their XL double double.

Come on Canada, embrace the girl on girl action,

Peace.

Beware the Kamikaze pigeon. Wing-ed tits of fury. So apparently the flock sent in the Luca Brazi (Godfather reference) of the pigeon world into the store to exact revenge for it's missing brother. Same missing brother who consequently swims with the fishes. I had to slow down the security footage to see how this mother fucker got into the store, but it dive bombed through two sets of automatic doors, as they were being opened with precision by customers. Damn thing almost hammers one customer leaving, swoops past the first set of doors, and right through the second set just as they were opening.

The funny part? Well all this happened unknown to all of us until the winged enforcer of all things vermin flew into our district managers window. She was on a National conference call when she looked up and WHAM. It was like Hitchcock's the Birds, but you know more like Bird. I would've paid hard earned money to see the look on her face when that thing hit home.

It however is no more, having met with the same quick end that its brethren did. Now for some bird humor.......







NIghty night my freaky darlings.

Some people feel that laughter is the best medicine. Of course those dumb fucks never heard of penicillin, and most likely married their cousin. I will admit I am somewhat warped in the ways of humor, I tend to laugh at odd things. Things that offend others, or are not what you would call politically correct. So in the spirit of laughing your ass off, I give you the following photo dump. Enjoy.

Had enough? No you say? Okay then.....

And the end is near......

Thats all I got, or at least that's all you're gonna get from me. Hope you all get as many giggles from these as I did. I like the dog philosophy the best, why just the other day I thought about pissing on someone.

Work sucks the big hairy meatball. I had to fire 2 people today, which leaves me short handed. Everyone keeps looking at me like Im gonna snap and start hacking off the interesting bits from anyone I can get my hands on. I do miss cutting meat, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna turn on my coworkers. There are quite a few Id like to punch the fucking life out of, but who hasn't felt that way from time to time.

On a different note, there is a pigeon trapped in the store today. Since its a grocery store, you can imagine that is not a good thing. The pest guy is coming to "relocate" the pigeon while the store is closed. All day though, that rat with wings was flying from rafter to rafter. I made several jokes about it being my new "free range" program, and how I can charge double as long as I put organic on the label. I even likened it to those lobster tanks that seafood stores have, where you pick the live one you want and they make it less live.

Somehow, people didn't find the humor in it though.

Oh well.

So for now I get to settle in with the Walking Dead S2 and roasted chicken with butternut squash and perogies. Sometimes you have to take pleasure in the little things.

Night night my freaky darlings.

Dear Headache,

Kindly FUCK OFF.

Thank You,

Me.

So I went for a walk in the rain, or at least what they call raining around here. On my way home, I found this little fella.



He was just sitting there by the path, no trees nearby so I deduced he hadn't fallen from a nest. Although he was just sitting at my feet, so I knelt down and pet his little head. He hopped a bit but didn't fly away, thats when I noticed the wing that just wasn't quite right. Felt bad for the little fella, but just couldn't bring myself to kill it, since it wasn't dying it was simply injured. Thought about bringing it home, but I have no cage or other enclosure to keep it until it's well enough to fly. All it would take it for me to find poop somewhere, and my compassion would fade directing me back to plan A.

So I decided to move him off the path into the tall grass, where he had shelter, and lots of good camouflage. There he sat, I could barely see him. Lots of cats and other predators around, so I don't think it will make it but I gave him a chance, it will either survive or help another animal do so by becoming dinner. Thats just the way of it.

On another note since I worked through the holiday, I decided to make myself a turkey dinner tonight.



I even grew the damn flowers, you can't get more "from scratch" than that. If the turkey looks strange, it's because I bone mine out before cooking, it makes the carving a breeze. That was the day in a nutshell, have a great night one and all.

Woke up this morning because I had a dream I was on fire, and I couldn't believe that I was sweating that much. I could actually feel the droplets going down my back individually. Then I realized I was awake but could still feel it, and so I turned over and realized I had cuddled the big glass of water I keep by the bed and spilled it everywhere. I must have reached for it in my sleep, had it on the bed then turned over when I started having the nightmare.

I love being a sleep walker who gets insomnia / nightmares, not night terrors anymore, but fucked up dreams. I then wake up but my body and mind collaborate so that my dream and reality begin to coincide. Which means my dreams takes on the shape of what I am doing / where I am while I'm sleeping as I get closer to waking. Then when I actually am awake, it still looks like where I left off in the dream. Really fucks with your sense of whats real and what isn't, especially when its a particularly nasty dream.

I once ripped a cast off my arm the day after surgery, while dreaming that someone was ripping my cast off while torturing me. It woke my wife up, and she managed to wake me up just as I tore it off. I woke up holding my cast looking at my freshly stitched / pinned/ reinforced hand, thinking I had just fucked myself up permanently.

Oh well, at least I don't sleep with a knife under my pillow anymore.

Star wars. The force. To some it means nothing, to others it means everything. To me, it brings fond memories of childhood, adolescence and right into my 20's. I am fortunate enough to have seen ALL of the films in the theater, no I am not one of those people that wears his bathrobe to the theater and tries to use the Force to eat his popcorn. I enjoy the films, the really enjoy the books, and am a fan of the video games, both PC and PS3.

What is the reason for this sci fi trip down memory lane? I was reading kemper's latest blog, which are always for the most part intelligent and very humorous. She is also it quite the Star Wars aficionado, and it got me to thinking of my long time friend, and former roommate. This guy was a fanatic. If you played Star Wars trivial pursuit against him, he would give you 3 turns to his 1, and still beat your ass. The guy knew stuff that nobody has a business knowing. If you asked him if Han Solo dressed to the right or the left, he would know and have some reference to back it up.

Anyway, one day at the party house, a bunch of us were sufficiently hammered and he directs us to his poster of " All I need to know in life, I learned from Star Wars," and proceeds to discuss how it really pertains to women. Keep in mind he is very drunk at this point, so leave it to him to talk philosophy and actually be able to make an intelligent argument. The poster has a bunch of statements, which he interpreted for us less Jedi savvy folk.

"Try not. Do or do not. There is no try"- The female orgasm. Let's face it fellas, there is no half way with this one.

"Anger, fear, and aggression lead to the dark side."- 3 letters, P M S.

"In seeking your destiny, patience is your ally".- ANY man who has gone shopping with his girl, can relate to this one.

"Always let the Wookie win"- Now ladies I know the science of hair removal is bordering space age, but the metaphor holds true. It's not a matter if you are right guys, it's just not worth her ripping your arms off.

"When judging people, size matters not"- We'd like to think so, it's what they tell us anyway.

"Don't underestimate the Force"- Every guy has been given the "look", it's the closest thing we have to the Jedi choke stare.

"You must follow your own path, no one can chose it for you"- Every woman likes a man who can make a decision.

"Keep your promises, even if it takes you far, far, away"- Every woman likes a man who can keep his word.

"If it smells bad on the outside, it's worse on the inside."- Self explanatory, I'm sure you all can figure it out.

"Faith in your friends is a strength, not a weakness."- I know she tells you she won't say anything, but girls always tell their friends.

After that we all started doing Dr.Pepper shots and it gets real blurry...

I like blogs with profound opinion, people often underestimate the value of someones thoughts. Doesn't matter, sad, happy, mad, passionate, just a pure honest thought. We get drawn to the physicality, caught up in it. When we get a present, we are drawn to the shiny wrapping, but it's what's inside that we actually cherish.

It's been my experience it's easier to get a girl to open her legs, than it is to get her to open her mind. Most guys never get past the their obsession with the wrapping, and a lot don't want to. Most girls don't get past the "gift wrapping" themselves stage. Attention, acceptance, loneliness, who knows.

Nobody likes to get to know a facade, only to have it fade when you can't maintain it, and don't delude yourself eventually the curtain always gets pulled back.

Be honest, be yourself, and be proud of it.
Until next time SG land, and may the force be with you.