Instead of a bouncy castle for my birthday, I'd like to have the forty foot inflatable pink floyd pig in my backyard, and a projection of The Wall on the apartment building behind me at night. I'd also like to burn/write "FUCK YOU" with gasoline into my neighbor's grass across the the street, and possibly take a shit on the lawn too. My bad? ha ha ha. If I didn't have a fucked up sense of humor, I would not have made it this far. If I told my psychiatrist how I really felt I believe I would not see the outside of the kasier mental health center for quite some time. And you can't smoke there, and I'm not ready for that yet. It's funny/humbling to go from being the fucked up, successful, talented, kind of happy twin, to being the mentally disabled uncle on social security benefits and medicare.

Today, i guess technically, it was consired this evening, that I seriously thought about turning off my phone, computer, lights, anything but the stereo playing joy division exceptional loud, and over, and over. Until? I took some meds and a feel pretty much better. My meds can be very tricky at times with the dose taken and effect of the drug. You'd think they'd have this down to a science by now!?

I'm willing to try and take all my psych meds like im supposed to, not drink to excess, and most importantly stay off illegal drugs. My problem is that if or when i do feel like i should be hospitalized, one of the first things they do is do a drug test. If test positive, can not stay atthe mental health hospital. You must do 30 days in treatment before you are able to be considered forurther treatment at the kaiser mental health hospital. I'm sorry, I most feellike going straight while Im high. Rehab can be real torture. its more facing the problems you blacked out with dope than going through withdrawal. All of the good drugs have bad withdrawal symptoms. Some can kill you, and others make you extremely depressed or despondant. Or my,I don't know if i'm the best example but get as bad as being suicidal or thinking about it. I may be a legally mentally disabled person receiving benefits. My memory maybe very spotty, but I am still the same person I've always been and will be.

I did in honor of today's date celebrate and consume half of one of my very potent caramels. I do feel very good, fairly upbeat, aware, and calmer than I've been in a while. Not too excess, enough to take off edge, and less than to loose touch with reality. I think especially with the new Proposition 29 created by do-gooders and ex-smokers bound to pass by a landslide for all us caring Californians. People who both smoke cigarettes and marijauna will stop smoking cigarettes and buy more pot. More bang for your buck, especially cause Prop 29 increases the tax of a dollar per pack, from it's previous mark. Also I believe it will drastically increase crime related to people robbing people for their cigarettes. A whole dollar sounds extreme. And yes, of course I do smoke. How about helping smokers who get tobacco related illnesses and help paying for their medical treatment? No, instead it's mostly donated to some initiative for 2010 no one ever heard about to stop underage smoking or something. I maybe a bit off or obtuse, but hey with are ever increasing lifespan and ever worsening overpopulation. Couldn't we as a soceity praticing some sympathy and empathy towards our fellow americans? Probably not, my current belief is that I am, in yeah morbid or awkward kind of way helping with too many people. Right now, I'm shooting for 50. I think that is a realistic guess. Easily my view or belief could change. whatever

From my limited experience, friends with benefits can be an even more meaningful relationship than the traditional girlfriend/boyfriend or commited relationship. I had a great and belief changing experience with a past friend/love. She called it two friends enjoying each other's bodies. It was mutually supportive and exciting, especially since her boyfriend and all of us lived in the same house. What's strange is even though she is long gone to Florida, her now ex-boyfriend and I have been good friends for years now. No, he has no clue, and I do not have a guilty conscious at all and would never tell him. It lasted 4 months or so, we both knew it wasn't going to last forever, but really enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. It was an eye opener for me to realize that there really are different kinds of loving someone than boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage. And at the same time much more than just fucking. Sure she was seeing somebody else besides me and her boyfriend, that never really mattered. I hooked up with someone else for a while, and we just kept those relationships seperate from our own. Besides worrying about getting caught it was a very trusting, easy relationship. She eventually moved to florida to go to school, we kept in touch for a while, but parted ways. One of those friendships where we might not see each other again, but know without words that we still care about each other. I'm not sorry at all, maybe it was one of those meant to be experiences, shit I don't know. One thing she said I will never forget. I think to most people it would sound sick, twisted, perverted, wrong, whatever. She told me she might be pregnant, and if she was she would raise the child as her own with her then boyfriend and not tell him anything. The point is she truly meant what she said to me. She and/or I maybe fucked up or crazy, but that is the nicest most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. At the time of our affair or whatever it's called I was completley infactuated madly in love with her cousin from colombia. I learned there are different kinds of love, and not just saying it, but really being in love. I can not handle having an intimate relationship with more than one woman at a time. I have never cheated on any woman I was in a commited relationship ever. Break-ups are, like the song says is hard to do. Even if you have a mutual one and remain friends, it is hard. Break-ups for me, are such a required learning experience in life. I re-evalute my relationship, think of the posistives, and negatives, sometimes learn how much I really cared for or loved that person. It's powerful, we may not remain friends or any of that shit with are exes, but for me even with a difficult break-up, I'm still going to care about and wish the best for her. Hating someone you used to care about or love is a waste of time. We're all only human.

The worst part of paranoia is that sometimes you're right. Whenever major holidays draw near, I'm very grateful for my family and friends. I wish I comunnicated and saw my friends more often than I do. All most all my friends live 45 minutes or a lot more away from me, or live in other states or countries now. It's not that I wouldn't drive, take a train, or fly to see them more often, it's that It is so difficult for me to guess or gauge what my mood or cognitive ability will be when I do see them. Naturally I will feel better seeing my friends which I love, but that often doesn't cancel out how I'm doing mentally. I just want to be like my old self and feel comfortable around my friends that I have known for a long time, and not be irritable, distant, quiet. I think I'm afraid that I won't be able to really listen and take in what my friends have to say or that I'll forget our conversation because my spotty memory due to my ECT treatments. My short term memory especially can be so bad it feels what I can only image to be like alztheimer's disease. For a person that had almost a photographic memory to as an example, having to look up addresses on mapquest to places I've been tons of times in the past is very upsetting and frustrating.

I may not be geared up or at the right mental state to fully function in our soceity. But I do still know what is important to me as a human being. Humility, empathy, sympathy, forgiveness, doing my best to be openminded, and most important keeping a sense of humor. Life may not be fair or turn out how we'd like. Appreciating my family and friends, and treating others especially the people that in our soceity are looked down on or projected as second class for whatever reason like real human beings. Whether its waving hello, opening a door for someone, saying thank you while looking the recipiant in the eyes, listening, or sharing a funny anecdote or joke. I read in someone's dating profile that she may not have faith in individuals but more for the whole human race. I'm the exact oppisite. I have little faith in mankind and believe that individuals just being humane to other humans make our world a better place to live than any scientists or politicians could acomplish. I don't know if that's what I believe totally or part of me being codependant. I think a decent mixture of both. I'm cynical, pessimistic, a lot of the time. I'm probably not going to have a huge impact on soceity in general. Maybe its skipping the big picture, which can be ominus and out of reach. Making a positive difference in someone's life, listening to someone elses point of view, sharing my own point of view, and being honest and comfortable with other people, be that a neighboor, stranger, friend, lover, girlfriend, or someone I wouldn't normally talk to, is what I consider being able to grow or as a person or just be myself, whatever that means.

I feel much better after a half brownie and a six pack of new castle brown ale. We'll see how it goes.

I feel much bettter after a half brownie and a sixpack of new castle and couple of shots of some orange flavored tequila. I did take a few benzos but orally not interveinously like last time. Still the crazy young at heart experience, but heart more easily physically. Its not really a contest at whose the most hip or whose the more stylish. Its just the freak chance I saw of meeting a compatable couple. yeah spiritual and sexual. the big two to many of us. I've learned personality means so much more than the nessisarily firs glances at eachother. If you can blow or challenge eachothers wit thinking and beliefs. you've struck some kind of precious medal. I'm on okcupid, but would much rather be in contact with a SG member.

I knew I had something mentally asque with me early on in life. I had to wait for soceity to label me mentally ill until after I was an alcoholic and drug addict and kicked for 30 or 90 days, I forget. At first I was kind of glad there was a name to it and a little proud to be different. There are so many damn people labeled or diagnosed "mentally ill" (especially Bipolar) that it may as well encompass everybody at some point in thier lives. Mental illness for me is like addiction. Once I think I'm better or over it for awhile, it comes and kicks my ass again. I was off hard drugs for like two years and then my dealer (who is a decent human being) just came to see how I was doing. But yeah he relectuntantly sold me some shit, and I had a nice 6 or 9 month addiction. Well I'm clean from so called hard drugs since the first of the year, and no I don't make new year's resolutions. My dealer's phone quit working and I can't reach him, so hey that's 20 or 40 bucks I save a day. The edibles I make are becoming legendary in my ghetto. But I don't do it to make money. I just need an edible when I'm getting close to having to need to be hospitalized. I give or sell really cheap extras to neighbors or one friend. I don't drink that often, but I can still be a danger to myself. A week ago I was shooting up benzodiazapines. It was very difficult to dissolve, and I was drunk and got really sick and partially blacked out. I often think I can't be trusted by others or myself. Being on disability really makes me feel like a failure. I was very happy at my job, and was the "leadperson" for my shift, making good money, full health insurance, and 401k. Gradually I couldn't work or be dependable so I had to quit because I went crazy. Oh well that's life. It will get better or worse.