It's been a crazy month.
A roller coaster of emotions and confusion.
I;m adjusting to a move and much else.

Sorry about my lag in update.

Thank you to whoever kindly reactivated my account. I missed wasting time on here
Its my venting post.


Much has happened since my departure, and I'm sad that my absence was during the time of the gala, as I love going to those.

here's what I'm currently lookin' like



I'll update soon with all the happenings.

Xo

Here's something I shot last week.

I enjoy it

I am in an Unstoppable good mood.

As shitty as my winter seemed to be - emotionally and financially, it seems that there is someone watching over me. I have managed to stay a float, and every now and then, the higher power throws me a little piece of joy.

Firstly, when my mac book pro's Logic board died, and I thought I was going to fork out nearly a grand (or rather, just burry my lap top in the backyard because I cant afford that), Apple says "Its ok it's a known problem, so it will be no cost to you, it should be ready by tomorrow."

I won a few contests lately ... First the Comicbook contest
Today I won this



Its a 80+ dollar Cover Girl Makeup Gift pack
just for knowing that Spring starts on the 20th GO me!

A lot of it is lip stick and lip care (which makes sense because lip stuff is fairly uniform for most skin colours)
I will use the gloss but my sisters and mom can have the darker shades, It looks funny on me.
There are some other fun things in there too, mascara, smokey eye shadow, blush

Today was also gorgeous +14 degrees in toronto in march = HUGE win.

I am also getting paid for an outstanding job tomorrow, and I got a small 2 hour job - Logo design, which will pay pretty good for being a 2 hour job.


Also I did this shoot last weekend. I was helping out some students with an art project, whome I met on MM, and they turned out to be nerdy and fun. I like meeting cool peeps.

This was just an after - group shot.



HAPPY FRIDAY ALL

I'm looking forward to this weekend

I'm getting a new car door, Going puppy looking, Cupcake Tasting, hanging out with awesome people, and going to a POS show

...

I almost forgot! I won a Meet and Greet with POS

I think i need to buy a lotto ticket.

Here are some pictures from the show.
HadeNation presented 7 deadly sins at circa on thursday night, the 11th.

I was there from 1030am - 2am the following night. All of which I was wearing only a thong.
I met so many rad people, some of which are going to hook me up with some more photoshoots and runway work.



this is grafx

he was such a gentleman.

myspace.com/grafx6

I'm going to be part of this fund raiser fashion show at a Night Club this week.
I asked my sister if she wanted to come, and I back stepped and under cut it and said "it's going to be lame and its really expensive, so you dont have to" and she said "I would really rather not"
That is an example of a time when I would like to know that she actually gave a damn about my life.
If it were me I probably would have said something along the lines of "Dont be rediculous, what time is it at?"
A tiny bit of moral support sometimes will save someone a lot of heart ache.

I just sometimes feel like "what is the point" .. well most of the time I feel that way, and it is really getting me down.

I discovered recently that I have been having panic attacks. I thought there was something wrong with my lungs, and then my aunt pointed out that it might be closterfobia or panic attacks, but just mildly. Low and behold i am dealing with "Quite a deal" of anxiety. And him having said that, makes much ore sense then I would have ever discovered on my own. It has always been there, its just not externalising into physical problems. The solution? Drugs, no thanks, next. I'm not pushing this down deeper and numbing it more then I already have. A co worker today said (After I thought it was a good idea to tell him why I couldnt drink the americanos that he was sipping on that smelled Oh-So-Lovely) "You are a confident young woman"
I dont know that this is true. Maybe I act like I am confident? But I am even Finding that harder and harder to do lately.
Second choice? Counseling. For however-the-fuck-much it costs to vent problems to someone who is probably just as fucked up as the person sitting beside you on the TTC until I come to some type of coping point. Don't get me wrong, I would love to go, haha, I just cant aford it. In fact I know that funds are the source of at least one of my anxieties.

I also think part of this was much attributed to an identity crisis. I havnt felt the same for quite some time. I felt like I was growing and moving forward and changing at a good pace, untill I hit a brick wall.
It's like there is so much I want to do, but for some reason, I can't.
My career, furthering my design skills, learning more in every area of my interests, physics, art, fashion, modeling, my sexuality.. its never ending. I'm at a stand still. I'm bursting inside of my own skin. There is so much I want to do, and somehow I feel guilty or lazy or sad towards most of them.
How do you fix that?

I Think i'll stop there. I could ramble forever.
Thanks for listening.

I hate people that use their fucking phones in the Movies. It's ignorant and rude. Can you not turn the fucker off for an hour?

On a happier note, here are some photos

So I got my raise. Nothing HUGE but it will be a lot of help It was what i was aiming for anyways.
Thanks all for the encouragement!

Also I won this contest for girl of the month for a comic book competition(as Alice) Its a series i've been reading for a few years. I get some gift cards and stuff for their site, and my photos featured on their site. The second part is a trip to comic con 2011 - I will need your vote next january

On Tuesday I scheduled a meeting with my boss to discuss a salary increase. Unfortunately she is ill and has been off since tuesday afternoon. My nerves are getting the best of me. I have never asked for a raise before, and frankly 'm not confident enough with my skills to be asking for one. I have been there for almost two years, and I do work tremendously hard. I'm hoping that I will get one. If I didn't absolutely need one I wouldnt even ask.

My company has also been laying people off since the summer, and it has scared me even more out of asking. I kind of just feel fortunate to even have a job in this shit economy.

ALSO my sister may be moving back home in the spring, so that will have me looking for a new place to live. I'm fairly excited about that. I like my place, but only becuase i'm living with her. I would never live here on my own. When we first moved in, I wanted to leave asap. But it has grown on me. I hope to find something in walking, or at least biking distance of my job.

Right now I have to streetcar for an hour in the morning, its making me lose the will to live.

I dont know why I'm so afraid right now. I use to jump in with both feet and ride things out. And if i failed, no biggy. I figured i was no worse off. Nothing to lose. Do i have more to lose now? Not really.
I need to get that back. Fun, free, happy go lucky.
I'm old.

anyways, that being said, I might have to dig through some thrift store and find some vintage looking furniture to pull together look that looks like this for my new place





I could refinish and reappoulster it myself (a little silver paint), I'm sick of living like a student!

I want glamour damnit!