I'm sleeping with my housemate. It's a thing. It's happened twice since the Sunday. The inner niceness, sweetness that I suspected all along is there. I need to keep my heart closed and separated. I like being around him even more, I'm not sure of his intentions or feelings and am too timid to ask. It feels so obvious that I haven't regularly slept with anyone in awhile, I feel a little rusty. He probably doesn't even notice.

Got fucked up drunk last Sunday. I remember being spanked by my housemate in his room but not much else. Oh and kissing another one at the bar twice. And stealing drags off their cigarettes. I've never smoked before.
I got a text saying that "If I wanted to lose more of my clothes in his room, he'd be down". Hehe. This is going to happen. The more time I spend around him the more I like him.
Downside? UTI. Fuck.

Mopeder invited me to a 65 mile moped ride today but I didn't get to go because of my goddamned UTI. I was mad enough to actually go to ZoomCare. I also now have 30 days of Paxil and an appointment to get more.

(I'm not bold.)

Depression has a scale of 1-10. 1 is I'm leaning off the side of a fucking bridge. 5 is neutral. 6 is content. 10 is joyous (and I don't know what it feels like.)

Yesterday 3.75
Today started 4.5.
Currently 3. I just want to cry about everything and nothing. I want to go to sleep 4 hours early.

If I wasn't such a pussy, I'd get drunk on their whiskey and try and fuck either of them.

But I'm a pussy and a half.

Spent all day yesterday with the Mopeder, whose name seems like it will be less definitive now that I have my own moped! He had one picked out for me before I even arrived at P-Town Scooters. He took me south to SE 45th and Gladstone, to his friends garage/house. There was a small, surprising moment of affection when we arrive at his house.

My first ride alone was the 10 miles from his house to mine across town this afternoon. He was excited when I told him I got home. I already am looking forward to getting a fixer/project.

I still have to get a picture of me on it.
I feel like the entirety of southeast Portland has been magically opened up for me to explore.
DMV on Tuesday.

<3

It will be the best summer yet.

Something I've never done until now? Broken a heart. I feel like this fantastic weight has been lifted from me.

BFFP thought that dating would never be an option. It's quite unlikely, but an option.

If you didn't see, I deleted my last post about being attached.

I slept at I.'s house last night, though he wasn't feeling well. Our friends were teasing me about the walk of shame this morning.

I'm getting my motorcycle endorsement at the end of the month so I can get a vespa-y scooter.

Yeah. No.

He's so nice but there's no spark...

I've gone out with the pastrami boy 3 more times. He made me pancakes tonight. We just click, I'm comfortable with him, it feels like it could easily go somewhere in a way I haven't felt in awhile.. He looks just like the mopeder.

I saw the mopder Saturday. He called me Kitty. It was adorable. He has a part of my heart forever, I've accepted that he is what he is and not going to be who I imagine him to be.

The other boy, with the big beard and motorcycle, turned out to be a dick and only wanted in my pants.

In the past week I have:

-gotten pastrami at Kenny and Zukes Delicatessen. <3 Pastrami. We were both having mouth-orgasms and ignoring each other.
-riden on a motorcycle for the first (and second) time. Fuck yeah motorcycles.
-seen Dazed and Confused at the Laurelhurst
-seen Conan the Barbarian for the first time at the Academy.
-oyster shooters
-kissed a boy with a big red beard.
-practiced my bass. (pumped up kicks, rock you like a hurricane, here comes your man)
-gotten boy advice from an ex. Felt dumb about the boy.