Le sigh.

Unbridled optimism that last post was.

Well, things are going well. Haven't been online at all recently- except at work where I can't check here. It's a shame because that computer is so much faster than mine. I hate waiting for pages to load. Oh well. Things are going really well with the girl I met at the burlesque. (The reason for my online absence.)

The Oilers are doing well to start the season. 3-1 now. This makes me happy.

I got an interview for a job that I want. It didn't go well and I didn't get the job, but this was the second time I applied for the position. I didn't get an interview the first time, so this is a positive thing. I reworked my resume for it. Anyway, I'll apply for it again next time it becomes available, which seems to be every 2-4 months. Hopefully next time I'll give them more of a reason to hire me. I had a bad interview and didn't give them much of a reason to want to hire me, but I know I'm a really good fit, and they're a company I would love to work for. So, I wait.

There's not much else new. I sold hot dogs last night at the Druid. It was pretty fun. I didn't make that much in tips, but that's okay. It was raining which might have had something to do with it. It's not something I normally do, I was filling in for a friend. But like I said, I had fun so that's all I can really ask for.

Hope everyone is well.

So. The burlesque was amazing. I loved it. Of course not knowing what to expect and going alone, I was a little anxious about the whole thing. I ended up sitting around for a while before, talking to some complete strangers- first Evan and Catelyn and then Eleanor and Michelle. I think. I'm so bad with names. I was looking out for some friends that said they were going, but I guess ended up not going. I ran into misguided who directed me to where all the SG members were hanging out, so I went over there, where I saw a friend of mine who I haven't seen in like 6 months. He was there with his girlfriend and another girl so I went to stand with them as I hadn't seen his girlfriend in about the same time. After i went and said hi to a bunch of the members- I saw FreakPirate, mr dave, hearse83, and dire_romantic. I wish I could have stayed and talked, but I ended up leaving with the girl I was with.

So yeah. Had a blast. Hope to see you guys again soon.



The girls.

I'm looking forward to the burlesque.

So, space. I have this whole space to write about stuff. I gave her space.

The last while I've been busy with things. Too many to feel inclined to post. I'd rather post about positive things, namely my love life, but it's not.

See, I gave her space because she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. I told her I would be there if she changed her mind. I was trying to be supportive. Trying to not fuck it up. Trying to be a gentleman. Trying to follow my heart, too. I was a fool.

She met some guy a week and a half ago, and according to her myspace, is now "in a relationship". I didn't even register that much. I didn't matter enough for even that small consideration. She lied to me. She might not even think she hurt me, too. I guess this all makes her not worth it, not worth my time, not worth caring for, not worth my energy.

I guess so, but it still hurts. I liked her. I really did. I fell. I'll have to pick myself back up and move on, but it seems to get harder every time. It probably doesn't but it seems that way.

So where do I go? I'll probably tell her I'm hurt. I would have appreciated the truth oh so much more. I'll tell her that too. Maybe she'll feel bad. Good. Maybe we'll still be friends, maybe not. I don't know. I don't think I care about that right now.

Fuck I'm such a fool. Such a sucker. Why do I only see the good things? I actually know the answer to that. If I looked for the bad things, I would be looking for an excuse to get out of it before I got hurt. I choose love though. I choose to try for the home run, to have it all. I choose to be the fucking chump.

I'm not bitter. Just hurting right now. I'll get over it. I always do.

Has anyone ever given someone space, and actually have it work out for the better?

Well, Sunday came and went. I didn't get to see her. Wednesday, she broke up with me. 18 days. That's the longest relationship I've had in 2 years.

Well, I found her. I want her. She has stuff to work through. I hope she realizes that her "stuff" doesn't bother me. I would rather be with her partially than not at all. Now this sounds stupid. But she's given me something that no one else has ever given me and I am grateful for that. She makes me feel like I am worth it. I know she is, so I have no choice but to wait till she's ready. I would make that choice 10 times out of 10 for her.

I think the definition of bliss is the beginning of a relationship. At least for me. Now taking that into account, I still think she's special. Moreso than anyone else I've been with before.

So here I sit. Very mellow, and very sad, and hopeful and I feel more real than ever.

I'm going to Banff tomorrow to meet up with my friend from university. Should be fun.

I miss the girl...
Sigh. Sunday.

Alright.
It's been a week and I'm starting to panic. She said something to me the other day that really threw me for a loop. I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't think she realizes that what she asked might work at some point down the line. I'm the type to over think things and I don't like not understanding. So I'll try to remain calm. She's on holidays though, for the week, so I can't really ask her what it was about. This will be a really hard test for me. I'm mostly afraid that she'll just not be interested when she comes back. I'm not one to be calm about such things. I try to show calm, but I am like a pit of snakes inside. On top of that, I don't think I'm any good at relationships. I'm too smothering, I'm sure of it. It doesn't last forever, but the beginnings are the hardest for me. Sigh. I need sedatives or something.

This is for her:

If there was a zombie one, I'd add that too.

So.Things in the last week have been amazing. I am in a really good place right now. I'm not moving until Sep. 1, but it will work out better than I expected as far as rent and moving and stuff. I found a place higher in my building, so I only have to move up the elevator. Sweet. Reasonable rent too. It's going to be so nice having a place of my own. It's been nice since the beginning of July, but one that I can afford will be even better.

My big news:

She likes me for me.

I actually bought that hootie disc for that song. What a loser I am. At any rate, I met a girl. At this point, she's everything I was looking for. I know beginnings of relationships are always like that, and I'm scared to death that at some point in the future it'll end like my last one, but I can't stop to think about that and not allow myself to feel. It's not possible. I'm so happy, I could cry. The good tears.