It's always frustrating to see people who do terrible things, act like assholes, constantly be rewarded in their lives. Especially when it's people you personally know. I'm by no means perfect at all, but I do strive to do the right thing in situations and lead a decent enough life. Yet, I can't recall the last time something remarkably decent has been done in turn for me. I've remained positive as I can but seriously there are moments where the bullshit gets overwhelming. I know as a person we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, but I feel so far behind everyone in my life anymore. Yet I keep pushing on. I can't figure out why at this point but I never cease...blargh.

Well I'm still caving to my social anxiety around women. I have made a lot of strides in the past few years with my disorder. This is one area where I am still struggling day in and day out. I want to go back to this bookstore where I chatted with a young lady who worked there. But, I can't get the nerve to go back. I feel awkward. Hell, I drove all the way there and couldn't get out of the car to go in. How pathetic...

Anyone else struggle with this? I feel like an idiot at the moment, lol.

So while out and about, looking for a more permanent job, I took a break and went to a bookstore. I wanted to pick up the fifth book in the Song of Ice and Fire series. And restarted my childhood hobby of comic reading. Although, I have been reading manga for years in that gap, haha. Once a geek, always a geek, I guess.

Ended up at the counter and suddenly in small talk with this cute young woman about Game of Thrones and the show. She seemed rather interested in fantasy setting styled writing, which is one of the things I enjoy as well. This doesn't really happen all that often, if at all. She flashed a smile or two during the small conversation and I paid for the books and left. Now I just seem to be thinking about going back.

Pesky doubts are already creeping in my mind. Maybe she was just doing her job and I am thinking too hard on it. Confidence issues has been keeping me out of dating for a while. Maybe it's strange, but I kinda want to ask her out. I'm clueless anyway and have no clue what I am doing since I haven't had but a blind date in over four years now. HELP! Lol.

There are times when getting away is great. And did I ever need it. I got to spend a chunk of the last week away from technology and basically people I see often. Went to an annual get together that involved family and family friends. Spent a lot of time in nature and it truly felt good. I even went fly fishing for the first time in over two years. Not my most favorite thing to do but it allowed me a lot of time to just breathe in clean air and reorganize my thoughts some. I definitely recommend everyone to take some respite from time to time.

Just wanted to share a gif that made my day much more enjoyable.

Enjoy:

Anyone else ever experience being in a group of people, even friends, and still feel completely alone? Today was that day for me. Went out to a huge group get together, tons of people, yet I always feel like that extra wheel or that awkward dude who doesn't really fit in entirely. Everyone else has all these stories and I just stand/sit there feeling like I can't contribute much to any conversation. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in and occasionally I get in.

Meh, describes how I feel right now. I kinda just want to sleep. At least in my dreams I get along pretty well socially...

While I have gotten away from a lot of the music I listened to growing up, the Deftones were a huge part of that world. Really sad to hear the news about Chi's passing this morning. May he find rest finally.

Finally thought I had hit gold and was going to get a decent new job. But alas, the world of employment has decided to kick me again. I love working with the homeless, it's very rewarding for me. So, there was this position opening up where I would be able to work in our local homeless shelter full time. Or so I thought. Turns out, I will only be able to work a MAX of two days overnight on the weekends only, if I take the position.

Why do businesses not make things clear in their employment ads? I have nearly two years of supervisory experience in non-profit and I still can't get work. At least not full time work, which is what I am going to need. If I didn't have severance pay and all that jazz, I would be screwed at the moment. 'Merica, I guess.

I just attained an advanced screening of Stoker for free. Super excited. This film is Chan-wook Park's American debut. He is the crazy mind behind OIdboy and the Sympathy films. I was actually bummed because it looked like it wouldn't be screening anywhere around here. My good friend sent me a link, and I have my pass printed out! This is an awesome surprise. Makes the dreary day so much better, haha.

Here is one of the trailers if anyone is interested:

Sex, sex , sex. All I seem to think about most of the time. Probably because I haven't reached that point in my life yet. Yes, it's not a common thing to see around these parts. Most days, I can handle being alone and not having a partner. But there are times when living completely sexless is just blah. Masturbation gets tiring and old after a while. It becomes a routine. I am beginning to realize that my sheltered upbringing has really quashed my ability to approach sex.

Oddly, my parents were vastly more liberal with my younger siblings. I was basically pressured to be an asexual being who excelled in intellectual matters. Also, the whole dogma of sex being evil and wrong was crammed down my throat most of my life. It's like I want to have sex so bad at times, yet can't allow myself to go for it or let anyone near.(Not that anyone in the past few years has wanted anything remotely romantic or sexual with me) I have no idea what to do about that. I also have no idea how to flirt or anything. So it's been almost a miracle that I have had gfs in the past.

Kinda awkward but getting that out in the open makes me feel a bit better. Even if I am alone in this crazy existence.