Whoa, what? I’m back? I guess so. I missed you fine people so much I couldn’t stay away. It has nothing to do with maleficent holidays that spread gloom and despair among the chronically single OR the associated desire to look at boobs on the computer box, for serious. It’s all about you guys. <3

Junior high mustache pays off! If my calculations are correct I'll be eligible to join SAG after March 26th. Scheduled for March 27th: Prompt shave immediately followed by coke party / sex orgy with Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, and as many naïve starlets as we can fit in the hotel room.

So it looks like I need to grow a beard if I want to get a movie role for which I'm otherwise perfect.

Fuck.

Rogaine works on faces, right?

I think I hate New Year's Eve. It's a totally arbitrary date that (as far as I can tell) has nothing to do with anything other than the peccadilloes of a few once-powerful Roman Catholics, but it still has the same (intentional?) effect every year: I look back, realize what a horrifying, net-loss of a shitstorm the previous year was, and think, "Oh Christ, what the fuck is this one going to bring?"

The power of positive thinking can choke on a dick and die. Things get progressively worse until they break down entirely. That's not pessimism, that's science. I only hope stuff gets so bad in 2008 the whole deal comes apart - the apocalypse probably won't be pretty, but at least it won't be boring.

Guess who just renewed his membership for a whole year? And how, you might ask, did such a scoundrel as myself come by forty-eight American dollars (or even the princely sum of eighty-four, after taxes)? Why, by starring in (or rather standing far in the background of) a major motion picture! Watch out, People's Sexiest Man of the Year Matt Damon! And that's right, ladies, he's single!

When/if I receive the long overdue (and almost substantial!) paycheck from some actual work I did, expect a grandiose celebration. You may wish to provide several popular haute couture designers with your measurements and professional color analysis now, in fact.

Wow. The last couple of months have been intense. I'll tell you about it when I get a spare minute, but let's just say I'll actually be able to buy an SG subscription that doesn't run out every other day.

I owe you guys a substantive blog post like whoa. Maybe I'll find some time to compose one between a 200 mile trip, remote WoW raiding, 96 solid hours of playing games, and as many as four 4th of July cookouts and firework shows? Stranger things have probably happened, but I'll be damned if I can think of an example...

Seriously, who updates their only blog more than once every two months? Fucking showoffs.

Friends, do me a small favor? If I go grey in the next few days, don't freak out and prune me for at least a week, okay?

Free at last!

Ding 27!

Birthdays always make me feel like a pathetic emo kid. But we can still have fun, right? Try the cake - it's shaped like a giant razorblade and frosted with tears!