So I think I'm going to be ending my account very soon. The main reason why I log into SG these days is to check the news accounts of the message boards. If I can do this without having to be a member...then why the hell not.
SG played a weird role in my life. I got an account right after I turned 18 when I wasn't really sure who I was. At the time this was the most interesting community I had ever found on the internet. Everyone treats eachother with a certain amount of respect here and the message boards work at a pretty high level.
But this is not my scene. I'm not into punk music and I don't like tattoos. Unless you can dedicate spending hours on this site everyday it's hard to feel like it's a community.
Basically I've lost all sense of connection with the people around me. At this point I this online community feels like a bunch of people trying to be outrageous as possible in order to gain some attention. I don't write about my life in an interesting way and I save most of my interesting thoughts for different venues.
Most of the people I was invested in have left the site or are in the process of leaving. Those people that I have met through the site I can always get in touch with outside of this. The message boards have become repetative. I've had limited corrospondance with some people but as the conversations have died down so have those connections. Basically at this point there are very few reasons for me to stick around.
I don't suspect I'll have any type of real friendship on this website. Again, I'm not interested in the things that make people come to this site and I'm not active enough to draw any type of attention from anyone. I've grown out of what made me interested in this site in the first place, and frankly I don't need it other than to keep up on interesting news and interviews.
So yea, Adios, if you want to get my contact info let me know.
SG played a weird role in my life. I got an account right after I turned 18 when I wasn't really sure who I was. At the time this was the most interesting community I had ever found on the internet. Everyone treats eachother with a certain amount of respect here and the message boards work at a pretty high level.
But this is not my scene. I'm not into punk music and I don't like tattoos. Unless you can dedicate spending hours on this site everyday it's hard to feel like it's a community.
Basically I've lost all sense of connection with the people around me. At this point I this online community feels like a bunch of people trying to be outrageous as possible in order to gain some attention. I don't write about my life in an interesting way and I save most of my interesting thoughts for different venues.
Most of the people I was invested in have left the site or are in the process of leaving. Those people that I have met through the site I can always get in touch with outside of this. The message boards have become repetative. I've had limited corrospondance with some people but as the conversations have died down so have those connections. Basically at this point there are very few reasons for me to stick around.
I don't suspect I'll have any type of real friendship on this website. Again, I'm not interested in the things that make people come to this site and I'm not active enough to draw any type of attention from anyone. I've grown out of what made me interested in this site in the first place, and frankly I don't need it other than to keep up on interesting news and interviews.
So yea, Adios, if you want to get my contact info let me know.
I just finished watching that movie JARHEAD. I gotta say, that movie filled and renewed some deep buried hole in my brain.
Masculinity.
after watching that movie I really had a lot better understanding of the brotherhood, boredom and insanity that comes with being in the military. Or I at least understand what the director wanted to show me. But I gotta tell you. There were definite times in that movie where I was like. "Fuck, this shit is awesome." Even when I knew it wasn't. They had this devil's advocate character in their the whole time to ground the movie, but that was just to give the movie grounding.
It wasn't about politics or war. It was about hunger. Being trained and dedicated long enough at something that it's really ALL YOU WANT TO DO. How insanity can accompany boredom. How everything is broken down into goals and values like drinking beer and getting fucked are of the highest proirity at all times.
I like the idea of that. Probably not for the reality though.
Masculinity.
after watching that movie I really had a lot better understanding of the brotherhood, boredom and insanity that comes with being in the military. Or I at least understand what the director wanted to show me. But I gotta tell you. There were definite times in that movie where I was like. "Fuck, this shit is awesome." Even when I knew it wasn't. They had this devil's advocate character in their the whole time to ground the movie, but that was just to give the movie grounding.
It wasn't about politics or war. It was about hunger. Being trained and dedicated long enough at something that it's really ALL YOU WANT TO DO. How insanity can accompany boredom. How everything is broken down into goals and values like drinking beer and getting fucked are of the highest proirity at all times.
I like the idea of that. Probably not for the reality though.
A while back I recieved one of those "Keep In Touch" high school renunion type things. Apparently they send out a little survey of "what you've been up to" since you've graduated high school.
My high school was filled with a lot of Rich, spoiled brats. That had a high enough jewish population that we got the major jewish holidays off.
This was my response:
"Alex H. is attending Rhode Island College, majoring in Anthropology with a focus on observing wealthy suburban areas; specifically how the children of wealthy families lack the necessary skills that caused the monetary sucess that they reap the benifits of. Also, he is active with many pro-palestine organizations."
Fuck those bastards.
My high school was filled with a lot of Rich, spoiled brats. That had a high enough jewish population that we got the major jewish holidays off.
This was my response:
"Alex H. is attending Rhode Island College, majoring in Anthropology with a focus on observing wealthy suburban areas; specifically how the children of wealthy families lack the necessary skills that caused the monetary sucess that they reap the benifits of. Also, he is active with many pro-palestine organizations."
Fuck those bastards.
So, I'll be brief.
Mental attitude: Stable. Nervous tendancies, but nothing out of the normal. Can perform relatively well and have been relatively happy.
Scholastic Abilities: Advanced. Have been extremely busy with mid-terms, performed well, still think school is too easy (i.e. I'm fucked when I go to grad school)
Work Ethic: Satisfactory, I feel like I've become a veteran at my work and can really deal with the rushes better than most. I'm relatively happy with my position of being honest-yet-carefree with the people around me. I say what I want, and I think it's funny when I make people uncomfortable.
Social Life: Same Low Level. Not in a position to make or sustain close bonds with anyone, especially in social settings. Don't expect to see me out and about on weekends socializing. However, I do believe that this is not that big a deal at the moment. Too busy to care.
Sexual/Relationship Inclinations: Surprisingly High. Having re-occuring dreams of having sex with former/past co-workers. Besides my own personal drive, my game is still literally non-existant, I will say that I've actually been judging my compatability with girls I encounter. While this is an improvement, there are still major issues of intimacy here that show no signs of resolving. Again, mostly an afterthought in my daily life.
Physical: Since I haven't done a sport for the first time in over a year, I'm noticing long term changes. I've actually lost weight, but I'm becoming flabbier. Contemplating buying a gym membership, but I dislike having to visit one. Contemplating buying a weight bench, but my basement has been flooding and my allergies to dust and mold have been bad. Clearly something needs to be done though, I just don't like the idea of having about 500 dollars of credit card debt.
Fashionable: Need a haircut because it's almost looking like I have a comeover. Still deciding how to deal with my extremely advanced balding for my age. Shaving my head feels too drastic, but I feel that I can't go on getting my normal haircut and simply ignore having a huge horseshoe of my scalp showing with a ball of WHISPY hair in the middle.
That's all for now.
Mental attitude: Stable. Nervous tendancies, but nothing out of the normal. Can perform relatively well and have been relatively happy.
Scholastic Abilities: Advanced. Have been extremely busy with mid-terms, performed well, still think school is too easy (i.e. I'm fucked when I go to grad school)
Work Ethic: Satisfactory, I feel like I've become a veteran at my work and can really deal with the rushes better than most. I'm relatively happy with my position of being honest-yet-carefree with the people around me. I say what I want, and I think it's funny when I make people uncomfortable.
Social Life: Same Low Level. Not in a position to make or sustain close bonds with anyone, especially in social settings. Don't expect to see me out and about on weekends socializing. However, I do believe that this is not that big a deal at the moment. Too busy to care.
Sexual/Relationship Inclinations: Surprisingly High. Having re-occuring dreams of having sex with former/past co-workers. Besides my own personal drive, my game is still literally non-existant, I will say that I've actually been judging my compatability with girls I encounter. While this is an improvement, there are still major issues of intimacy here that show no signs of resolving. Again, mostly an afterthought in my daily life.
Physical: Since I haven't done a sport for the first time in over a year, I'm noticing long term changes. I've actually lost weight, but I'm becoming flabbier. Contemplating buying a gym membership, but I dislike having to visit one. Contemplating buying a weight bench, but my basement has been flooding and my allergies to dust and mold have been bad. Clearly something needs to be done though, I just don't like the idea of having about 500 dollars of credit card debt.
Fashionable: Need a haircut because it's almost looking like I have a comeover. Still deciding how to deal with my extremely advanced balding for my age. Shaving my head feels too drastic, but I feel that I can't go on getting my normal haircut and simply ignore having a huge horseshoe of my scalp showing with a ball of WHISPY hair in the middle.
That's all for now.
Last night I had a breakdown. It felt good.
I had been holding up probably 3 months worth of stress in my head and I finally snapped last night. I ended up ranting to my family about all the shit that I didn't like, how it had been affecting me, and how I was scared of turning into a social hermit, like I had done before.
Afterwards I even cried. Honestly, it's probably been over 3 years since I've shed a tear, so I figure I was due. It was sort of like a "Holy shit, I'm crying?!?!" cry.
Either way, I ended up calming down and got out of the house for the night.
Anyway, Feeling much better now.
I had been holding up probably 3 months worth of stress in my head and I finally snapped last night. I ended up ranting to my family about all the shit that I didn't like, how it had been affecting me, and how I was scared of turning into a social hermit, like I had done before.
Afterwards I even cried. Honestly, it's probably been over 3 years since I've shed a tear, so I figure I was due. It was sort of like a "Holy shit, I'm crying?!?!" cry.
Either way, I ended up calming down and got out of the house for the night.
Anyway, Feeling much better now.
I've gotten into a social rut lately.
**********
Example:
Them: Blah Blah Blah sincerity Blah Blah
Me: Unoriginal Akward Statement.
Them: Blah Blah, weird look, Blah Blah
Me: Spineless retreat
********
I don't want to sound like I'm beating up on myself for the sake of self-loathing, because I'm not.
This is a problem. This bad habit of mine plagued me when I was in high school to the point where I missed out on a lot of fun. I'm not in bad moods or good moods....I'm robotic, asexual, and lacking passion on all degrees. Therefore, my interactions with people are usually robotic, unoriginal and plain.
Usually this means that I'm unhappy with something so fundamental in my life I don't see any way of changing it. This usually is caused from too much free time, Lack of expression ect.
I need to get my cock back. I need to get an edge. Yesterday someone at work said after overhearing me fumbling with conversations. "Alex, you have no social skills". At which point a friend of mine said "No, it's not that he doesn't have any, it's just they're really bad".
I can't live like this! Advice? Suggestions? C'MON PEOPLE. DON'T MAKE ME BEG!
**********
Example:
Them: Blah Blah Blah sincerity Blah Blah
Me: Unoriginal Akward Statement.
Them: Blah Blah, weird look, Blah Blah
Me: Spineless retreat
********
I don't want to sound like I'm beating up on myself for the sake of self-loathing, because I'm not.
This is a problem. This bad habit of mine plagued me when I was in high school to the point where I missed out on a lot of fun. I'm not in bad moods or good moods....I'm robotic, asexual, and lacking passion on all degrees. Therefore, my interactions with people are usually robotic, unoriginal and plain.
Usually this means that I'm unhappy with something so fundamental in my life I don't see any way of changing it. This usually is caused from too much free time, Lack of expression ect.
I need to get my cock back. I need to get an edge. Yesterday someone at work said after overhearing me fumbling with conversations. "Alex, you have no social skills". At which point a friend of mine said "No, it's not that he doesn't have any, it's just they're really bad".
I can't live like this! Advice? Suggestions? C'MON PEOPLE. DON'T MAKE ME BEG!
So, I hope that no one was slitting their wrists in anticipation for how my birthday went.
It was a relaxing day off. I cleaned up the house, had some of my favorite coffee with my favorite aunt. I drove down to Beaver Tail, a costal park in RI that has tons of rock cliffs and wide open spaces with large ocean views, and with a journal, which concluded with listening to "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead.
I got home and opened my presents. My family ended up getting me almost all my wishlist books and dvd's. It was overkill, but nice nonetheless. I was trying to give them choices, not demands.
That combined with drinking with siblings all lead to a pretty well rounded day.
**********
School is going well. I joined the Anthropology club. Work has pissed me off more than it really should. All and all I've had a pretty nice schedual lately.
I guess my general feeling has been Vacant. Sometimes I feel like I've become so afraid of myself that I've forgotten who I am.
...I have too much free time and not enough people to fill it with.
It was a relaxing day off. I cleaned up the house, had some of my favorite coffee with my favorite aunt. I drove down to Beaver Tail, a costal park in RI that has tons of rock cliffs and wide open spaces with large ocean views, and with a journal, which concluded with listening to "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead.
I got home and opened my presents. My family ended up getting me almost all my wishlist books and dvd's. It was overkill, but nice nonetheless. I was trying to give them choices, not demands.
That combined with drinking with siblings all lead to a pretty well rounded day.
**********
School is going well. I joined the Anthropology club. Work has pissed me off more than it really should. All and all I've had a pretty nice schedual lately.
I guess my general feeling has been Vacant. Sometimes I feel like I've become so afraid of myself that I've forgotten who I am.
...I have too much free time and not enough people to fill it with.
So Two hours ago it was my birthday...
I'm going to try to make the most of the day by doing simple errands while at the same time cash in about 60 bucks from my extra change jar....usually it takes about a year to fill. I plan on blowing the money on the most ridiculous thing I can find as a birthday present to myself.
I'm glad my teenage years are over. Honestly, they were a mess from the start. Hopefully the next 10 years will be better.
I plan on sleeping, enjoying waffell's for breakfast. And then while everyone is gone I think I'm going to take a trip down to the beaches to write something down for myself and then maybe take some pictures.
I'm 1/4 full of wine right now and tired as can be, so I'll fill everyone in tomorrow.
I'm going to try to make the most of the day by doing simple errands while at the same time cash in about 60 bucks from my extra change jar....usually it takes about a year to fill. I plan on blowing the money on the most ridiculous thing I can find as a birthday present to myself.
I'm glad my teenage years are over. Honestly, they were a mess from the start. Hopefully the next 10 years will be better.
I plan on sleeping, enjoying waffell's for breakfast. And then while everyone is gone I think I'm going to take a trip down to the beaches to write something down for myself and then maybe take some pictures.
I'm 1/4 full of wine right now and tired as can be, so I'll fill everyone in tomorrow.
::::
kay....introspective rant coming:::::::
I need to figure out what I'm going to do in the meantime before I can actually get out on my own.
My undergrad is going to be spent watching other kids live their lives with friends while I spend it sitting at home drinking wine alone with the parents downstairs.
I'm alone right now, there's no question about it. I put it on myself though with my lack of social ability and even less confidence. I'm not the "Don't talk to that kid in the corner because he's reeking problems" bad, I'm just a little twisted.
But, is there anything I can DO about it? I feel like I'm not playing to my talents anymore. I'm over-reaching my sensebilities and overlooking my abilities.
Bottomline....I should become friendlier, truthful and start doing push-ups.
:::::::That's all for now::::::::
P.S. I need to clean up my wishlist.
I need advice: What should I do/ask for on my birthday?!??
kay....introspective rant coming:::::::I need to figure out what I'm going to do in the meantime before I can actually get out on my own.
My undergrad is going to be spent watching other kids live their lives with friends while I spend it sitting at home drinking wine alone with the parents downstairs.
I'm alone right now, there's no question about it. I put it on myself though with my lack of social ability and even less confidence. I'm not the "Don't talk to that kid in the corner because he's reeking problems" bad, I'm just a little twisted.
But, is there anything I can DO about it? I feel like I'm not playing to my talents anymore. I'm over-reaching my sensebilities and overlooking my abilities.
Bottomline....I should become friendlier, truthful and start doing push-ups.
:::::::That's all for now::::::::
P.S. I need to clean up my wishlist.
I need advice: What should I do/ask for on my birthday?!??
I think I'm long past due about updating on the progress of the pateo being built.
Up until about 3 weeks ago I came to the conclusion that
1. I don't have the necessary tools
2. I don't have the manpower
3. I don't have the time
It was saddening to leave an excavated pateo to the hands of someone else. But it was extremely relieving. The worker said that because I had done all the grunt work it was amounted to 2 grand off the final bill. It was still expensive but EXTREMELY WORTH IT. The guy did amazing work and had all the right tools for the job. He probably had to cut somewhere around 500 bricks to get the pattern done and there was no way I was going to be able to do the same without a saw..
Either way...I truely believe that him and his assistant are artists with how well it came out.
The area is 15' x 25', That doesn't sounds like a lot until you realize each brick is about 5"x2"x2".
The brick mason guy said that there were three types of bricks of different sizing (thats why all the cutting had to be done). He said that they were probably around 100 years old and some could easily have been taken from a demolished mill, which was common practice at the time.
My family is going to surround the area with gardens and fresh grass.
45 degree herringbone pattern. It's so antique and beautiful. Look at the edging...I still can't believe how skilled the guy was.
So Okay
Before.
After.
I fucking love it.
P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!!!! AND HEY LOOK...I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE A WISH LIST ON MY PROFILE NOW!?!!!
Up until about 3 weeks ago I came to the conclusion that
1. I don't have the necessary tools
2. I don't have the manpower
3. I don't have the time
It was saddening to leave an excavated pateo to the hands of someone else. But it was extremely relieving. The worker said that because I had done all the grunt work it was amounted to 2 grand off the final bill. It was still expensive but EXTREMELY WORTH IT. The guy did amazing work and had all the right tools for the job. He probably had to cut somewhere around 500 bricks to get the pattern done and there was no way I was going to be able to do the same without a saw..
Either way...I truely believe that him and his assistant are artists with how well it came out.
The area is 15' x 25', That doesn't sounds like a lot until you realize each brick is about 5"x2"x2".
The brick mason guy said that there were three types of bricks of different sizing (thats why all the cutting had to be done). He said that they were probably around 100 years old and some could easily have been taken from a demolished mill, which was common practice at the time.
My family is going to surround the area with gardens and fresh grass.
45 degree herringbone pattern. It's so antique and beautiful. Look at the edging...I still can't believe how skilled the guy was.
So Okay
Before.
After.
I fucking love it.
P.S. MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP!!!! AND HEY LOOK...I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE A WISH LIST ON MY PROFILE NOW!?!!!
