Updates:

My dad is in a nursing home but it seems to be a positive, temporary measure. They've taken him off of some medication that seemed to be depressing and exhausting him. Even after a full day of physical therapy he seems to be more energetic and coherent than he was before. My parents are probably moving to Portland (yes, I'm jealous! I miss my home!) very soon, so my sister will be within 45 minutes in an emergency. .....But it means I'll have nowhere to stay in Denver anymore.

Xelia will be here in 13 days. She made me a painting. It's really sweet!

You should remember to tell me how awesome I am.



Yep.

Those are my real muscles. I'm like some monster man princess.

But I can be pretty when I want to.



♥

A lot of highs and lows right now.

My dad is back in the hospital....soon to be moved to a glorified nursing home. He's only 66. It doesn't seem right.

My flickr account got flagged as lewd. I know I'm naked a lot, but lewd?

The 5-year anniversary of Meredith's death hit. I really can't process that. So I tried to just maintain the memory of her. My self portrait on the 7th:


(I've uploaded another 10 new images or from my self portrait project to SG - go visit).

But skimming the surface of the rough waters is Xelia.

I just asked if I could upload some of her pictures here so I'm not talking name without a face.

She just knows how to make everything feel right and get me to smile. She'll be here in 2 and a half weeks.

She's pretty seriously planning to try for SG - but she's convinced she's too plain.

wtf?

Anyway I'm trying ton convince her to get an account so she has a better feel for the site and community; but I think until you join the site you don't really know what is there beyond pictures of awesome people.....so she doesn't even know why it's important! I wish I could buy her a gift account but I'm too broke.

Anyhow I'm running late, but that's the 2 minute update!

♥

Sooooooo? My favorite girl that I met on the internet and lives in California and has pink hair and is gorgeous and sweeter than sweetness? Is Officially flying out to see me!!!

Yes! I tricked her! She thinks I'm not a creepy old man!

So. I plan to have so much kissing!

She's been considering doing SG (they saw her at a geek con and practically begged her to do the site), so I told her I'd introduce her to a few SGs and shoot a set for her, so she'll have it if she decides to do the site, or just for fun.

And then if I do SG too? We can do doubles sets and

In other photography news, I had my first real clients today. You know. People that don't know me through a friend or through a website, who come, pretend I'm impressive, and get photos taken. I think I'm going to do this thing

I had a production meeting for Jekyll and Hyde this week. Excited for that. I think I'm going to audition - fat chance that I'll get in, but I miss performing.

ALSO? I'm so excited about the Sweeney Todd movie. Sweeney Todd was The Show for me. I was in it when I was 14. It changed my life. Literally speaking.

So yeah. My life lately is business and talking to Xelia. Life is good.

I have the modeling bug again. ....it might have something to do with dating a cute pink-haired possible-hopeful. I'm so excited for her......and then I want to do doubles sets!!

Someone broke into my bedroom yesterday.

I'm kinda freaked.

And very tired. I was already sick. Add a night of wake-at-every-sound paranoia (and the fact that I share my room with 2 birds and a hamster), and I'm just....emptied out.






PS -
I'm horribly out of date in uploads, but I've thrown about 10 newish photos in my gallery here.

Example:

So.....did I mention I quit my job to pursue photography?

Yep. Now working as a photographer in Chicago.....so if you have work to send my way? Please do!

I hate how cynical I've become.

I'm surrounded by so much bullshit.

Example:

One of my roommates invited a friend of hers, E, to come visit. E is a poor, single mom who can barely pay her rent.....I don't know her very well but I take Christmas pictures of her daughter every year, and she dated my boyfriend about 4 years ago (and is not over him - it's awkward - she's lonely). Since I needed to shoot the Christmas pictures, my roommate asked if I'd be home while E was over, so I could shoot her kid. I said sure.

That night my boss kept me late at work, so, half an hour before E was supposed to show, I texted my roommie to make sure she'd be home on time so E could get in. She texted back "no prob."

And then about 20 minutes later, she texted me again "have to drop boyfriend at class. left door open for E." Didn't make sense to me. Her boyfriend lives with us, has a car, and could drive himself.....but ok.

We don't live in the nicest neighborhood, and E has never been there, so that seemed crappy to disappear minutes before she'd show, but I was almost home. I got home around 8, to find E standing in the dark living room, not sure it was the right house she had walked into. My roommate hadn't even left her a note explaining where she had gone.

She and I waited for my roommate and chatted (very awkward), and then after more than an hour, we woke her daughter up for the pictures (big tantrum).

Hours passed without my roommate returning from "dropping someone off." .....and finally she came home, boyfriend in tow, in skanky night-on-town clothing - very clear they had been on a date, not driving to and from fight classes. She barely nodded to E, and disappeared into the bedroom with her boyfriend.

So....E spent over an hour each way driving into town, spending gas money she doesn't have, with a crying toddler in the car, so she could spend time with my roommate, and my roommate disappeared at the last minuted without warning or apology to go on a date with her live-in-boyfriend. WTF.

I'm not saying anything about it to my roommate since it's really not my fight to have. But it's just absolutely a shitty way to treat a friend.

.....and this seems to be the norm. I know 20-somethings are self-focused people trying to discover themselves and pave a path for their future at the same time.

But seriously. There's a difference between self-focused and self-centered.

And lately, no one seems to know that.

....I'm very frustrated right now....

After all this tattoo mess, a few people suggested I should ask a tattoo community to watch out for my image so I can ask more people and track down the source.

So I posted a topic about it in SG's tattoo group explaining the situation, why I'm upset, and asking people to let me know if they happen to come across more tattoos of me. .....And everyone seems to have decide that rather than looking out for similar images, they'll attack me for being upset.

It's my photography. It's my livelihood. Yes. I'm upset that other people are making money off of my work and I'm not. I'm upset that it seems likely the image has been sold on a wide scale as flash or tattoo reference material. And I'm upset that there are strangers walking around with my face.

If I had chosen a life of fame and celebrity, that would just be part of the deal. But I'm not famous. No one knows my name. I'm Some Random Girl. Who happens to be tattooed on a lot of people.

....I know SG members love trolling and flamewars and e-drama. I never really understood why, but I always accepted that as part of the site that I love. I just never expected to be the center of it. I'm pretty unassuming when you come right down to it.

I've loved this site for years, and should thank SuicideGirls for introducing me to some of my best friends. I've loved the support in the groups I joined - from photography tricks to vegan recipes to sex advice to girlie flirtations.

But if this is how people in this community respond when I ask for help?
I don't think I want to be a part of it at all.

I've found Another tattoo of me.

If my small circle of friends have spotted 2 tattoos of me, I really have to wonder how many there are out there.

I'm getting a bit upset. These are rich, full-colour, well-shaded tattoos. Multi-session tattoos - the kind people pay thousands of dollars for.

So some other artist is getting paid thousands of dollars to reproduce my copyrighted material.

It's not that I have a problem being tattooed on someone....it's that my hard work work is being treated as flash.

I work very hard on my photography, and, while people are paying $2000 or more to have a reproduction of my work, the only profit I have ever seen from this image is about $1 in proceeds from the single print I've ever sold.

I'm happy to have people use my image....But couldn't they do the courtesy of asking permission? Shelling out maybe $25 out of the thousands to actually acknowledge that I created the image and they appreciate it?

It's as if I never existed. This image of me spontaneously erupted from the ether. There is no real person behind it or within it. ....That's not a real human's face.

....Right now, my face is walking around on at least 3 bodies. And that's just the images that my friends have accidentally come across.

So someone got a tattoo of me.


More pictures, and their explanation.




I have no idea whose arm I'm on.....but I think it's pretty rad/funny.