adieu mes amis, filles de suicide.communauté

i may be lost for a while. blessed angel be my guide. mon ange gabriel. mon ange seraphim. may the lutins, monaciellos, ogres, orculli, pamarindos and nereides let me be. maybe i will catch a glimpse of a painajainen - this faery looks like a small white horse, they ride through the alps at night. no child has ever been killed by one, but contact is not advised!

les mémoires will not go away. i will always want to return to this country. i hope to see you all in black rock city at the end of august. wish me luck!

O this beginning. O this end.

ciao!!nisi

i am now a warrior, i leave this place in 5 days.
travelling north to dance and live with my troupe for a spell.

SF international >>> Paris via Amsterdam - a train south to my place of birth. i hope to return for burning man. but there will be much to do after i place the coins on the eyes of great-grandmother sofia.

i will miss all of you beautiful girls and boys.

not to be cut off,
not through the slightest partition
shut out from the law of the stars.
the inner - what is it?
if not intensified sky,
hurled through with birds and deep with the winds of homecoming.

ciao mes amissidonie angelle lapuyade

the gong chimes 5:30 a.m. we all sit in silent meditation. we pray together.

then we practice alone.

the gong chimes 9:30 a.m strenous asana practice after we garden. how did i possibly get in that position? we sing mantras.

together communicating on a different level.
then we practice alone.

the gong chimes 1 p.m - chopping, together. a meal of live food. not dead.

now we are together, in silence.
we make an ocean run, thrashing in the waves, swimming everyday. stone on belly. stones circling me. i get warmed in the sun. full journal.

i ask for guidence. the runes inform me of this transformation.

the gong chimes 4:30 p.m. 2 hours of asana practice again. amazed my body is capable of this. we sing mantras.

then we practice alone.
i sit with yogi ranjani alone. i ask questions, receive answers.

the gong chimes 7:30 p.m. we all sit in silent meditation. we pray together.

fruit. nuts. tea. rest.

5:30 a.m. sounds from the gong...


AND NOW>>>
back on the rancho to care for a baby filly. buckskin beauty. GabrielaGoldenGirl is a good mama. she has changed. she re-introduced herself to me this time as a mother would, changed from maiden to mother.

she winked, knowing i am going through the same.

May 23, 2003
at aproximately 4:47 a.m.

a baby foal was born to mama GabrielaGoldenGirl a.k.a. Gigi.
the baby, she has no name. any suggestions? what would you name a BeautifulBashfulBabyBrownBrighteyesBuckskin?

never until today have i felt closer to the Divine Mother.

----------

so i talked it over with SassySparkleHorse's owner...
it is ok if i go to L.A. today.
hurray!

i will go see my teacher in encinitas too!
this is good news mes amis.
however, i cannot update at the library.
so i will be back in about a week.

ciaonisi

oh i almost forgot, it is my friend Ana's birthday too!

there was a time.
there was a time when i was trained to jump through the loop of fire.
“jump classically!” she said.
“jump with all your might. jump higher!”
“how high mother?”
“higher!!!”

i am the one making believe this is real. believe this is real. i am the one creating this reality. just as you are creating yours. so it must be true. so be it true!

will i ever get off this high horse?

when i finally get home, she will never allow me to return to this country again. she will have so many reasons for me to stay after the funeral. so much to do!

perhaps she will bribe me with her fortune, or coax me with her men. maybe it will be opium. i cannot say. all I know is that I have to be strong.

and be there again with the Rom, they will see how devoted i am. they will see i have remembered the dialect. their songs.

i love that catholic church way up on the hill. the procession will be fantastique! God will be beseeched. i will go to ma famille, to my kumpania. i will be the one to put coins on the eyes of Sofia.

take old woman springs road through pipe's canyon to rancho de los sueños.

there was a time when i would sleep to dream here.
now, i sleep to survive here.

please kiss my eyelids closed.

ashtanga primary series.
clean 7 corrals.
exercise MamaMagnifique on the lead rope.
put saddle on SassySparkleHorse.
put one foot in stirrup
swing the otherleg over...
HOLD ON FOR DEAR LIFE!!!
dust myself off.
tend to my wounds.
walk home,
take a break.
goat cheese and apricots.
cold shower.
and e-mails.
new b&w pictures of me on
SG.
shovel manure for compost.
water the horses,
brush the good ones.
turn the electric fense on.
make myself useful with property work.
go to rancho de la luna.
watch the eclipse,
with some green tea.
soak in hot bath under the stars.
sorrow and solitude.
creativity is free.
start it all over,
tomorrow the same.

what about eating and sleeping?
dancing and kissing?