xo

Hi Gang,
It's been awhile---
Still alive , still decorating neato cakes and hanging out in the lovely city, Columbus ohio

How's everyone?

Someday I will get around to updating properly

I cannot express how happy I am with life right now. The only aspect I wish I could change is my romantic life. I just wish there was a person to hold hands and be adorable with. I mentioned in a previous blog that I want to direct all of my time and energy into my work and improving my life. But good lord, I am longing to just lay in bed next to another person and have them play with my hair until I fall asleep wonderfully. I miss romance, and getting butterflies in my tummy whenever thinking fondly of another person. I miss having a best friend that I could play with all day and make love with at night. I miss that giddy feeling.

I had my eyes on a man in Columbus, but I think I subconsciously sabotage relationships.

I went out with this fella a couple of nights ago. I was incredibly nervous and shy. Ridiculously so. I find it hard for me to develop feelings for people..as I'm overly picky..but this man struck a cord with me. I introduced myself to him at a suicide girl party (back in may-ish?)

One of my friends picked me up to go to this shin dig and we ended up getting lost on our way to the bar. I have a list of anxiety triggers and getting lost is near the very top. I ended up having a really bad panic attack and was still very anxious when I arrived to the bar. As I walked up to the building I saw the fella standing outside; smoking.I approached him and struck up a conversation. I enjoyed talking with him; while omitting my anxious feeling and what I was going through. As I talked with him, I calmed down. I felt at ease with him. I think that's what began the attraction. He was a sweet person.

But the date, or hangout with this person was a disappointing catastrophe and I ended up having a panic attack, even with him. :\


If only I could control my anxiety better. I'm not depressed by any means. I just get really,really shy and then I get utterly quiet, I begin to over-analyze every detail and finally everything turns into a blur. I feel frozen and feel like nothing is really happening and I'm in some sort of bad dream. Back in March/early April I wrote about how I was suffering from this so bad that I couldn't leave my house. Everything was terrifying to me.

Sometimes I wish there was someone that could save me when I'm under these attacks. I wish someone could grab my hand and help comfort me.

I find my panic attacks happen mostly whenever I go to bars or am thrown into a small group of people I don't know very well and they are already well acquainted with each other. I am so timid and always afraid of saying the wrong things.


A side from this though, I am happy. I guess I just prefer to stay in; away from the bar scene. Away from feeling judged when I go out. I feel great when I am working. I love decorating cakes. Every day I look forward to going into work and getting messy with icing and dye colors. I look forward to sculpting terrain out of icing and spraying the tops of cakes with my airbrush tool, I love the creativity this job requires. I love getting lost in the designs and challenging what I am capable of doing. And then ultimately seeing the customers reaction when they come to retrieve their cakes. I've found something that gives me drive. I feel so inspired and happy these days because of this.

I can check one thing off of my goal list. Check: something I am passionate about

now

I just have to be patient and one day a man will walk towards me in slow motion and smile at me as I fall in love.

Hi fellers,
I am currently resting on a velvety couch before I take a lengthy bike ride. I reckon since today is quite pleasant I'd take advantage of it.

I popped on here and figured I'd say hi before the ride.


This will be a quick update.

-First of all, I'm happy. Genuinely so.

-I moved back to Columbus. Mainly to help my father with his bills (he's been having health issues. i've written about this earlier) and eventually I intend on returning to school.

-Still decorating cakes which raises my levels of happiness exponentially.

-Getrude, my honda, which was a pain in the rear end has finally reached it's way to the great white light. Or rather, went up in white smoke and now sitting in a junk yard. I was making the very last 2 hour stretch to Columbus with the last of my belongings from my apartment when the engine ceased. Evidently the car refused to live in Columbus and killed itself before reaching the city.

-I'm still single/not delicately dating anyone. I've been spending nearly all of my time and attention on decorating. I'm trying to improve my skills and setting some realistic goals to achieve. And while I'm off work I spend my time working on art,reading, volunteering, and watching films. I have to admit, it would be awfully nice to canoodle with someone while watching flicks, but ..eh. I just hear so many bad stories about people always getting hurt and no one ever stays together these days. I'm a hopeless romantic dag nabbit. I suppose I just don't see a point unless I find a person that I absolutely know wont break my heart.



-Speaking of a broken heart recently my mothers puppy was abused and sadly..killed...Shortly after hearing this I've signed up to volunteer at an animal shelter near my house. Also I am currently transitioning myself into veganism,. The night I was informed of this terrible news I was unable to sleep for two nights and cried while thinking of all the animals that have ever endured pain.

-I've been working out and set a goal for myself to lose 10 pounds by jan 15th. I've gained quite a bit of weight this year. It's brought down my self confidence a great deal. :\

-also I am currently restraining myself from dying my hair...attempting to go lighter and eventually turn R E D.

I think this is all the news for now...

ooo and I have some big surprises in store... (no, I'm not getting breast implants and no, I am not pregnant) just wait.


time to cruise on my bicycle. I hope everyone has a grand day.