"Tongue and Cheek 4"

What I do on weekends:

I like to give exercise tutorials to the morbidly obese at the gym.

I set up my room with all of the amenities: Exercise balls, free weights, benches, treadmills, etc.

Once I see all of their faces settled in, I announce to the room:

"Hello all you morbidly obese fat suns-a-bitches."

They turn their heads. Slowly.

And then catch their breath.

I hold up a fork.

I drop the fork.

"Y- you guys get it?"

There is a cold silence.

I have no fear of being chased by them.

"Tongue and Cheek Three"

What I do for fun:

Just for kicks-- I'll see handicapped people pass me by on campus.

I ask them, "What's that like, not having legs?"

They give me a dirty look.

I tell them, "Well, it isn't that often that I get to talk to someone like you- one who doesn't have legs."

They tell me to fuck off.

I simply ask, "Well, what are you gonna do? Kick my ass?"

"Tongue'N'Cheek 2"

I'd like to hang out with Larry, The Cable Guy.

We'd smoke pot all day and work on getting my friends free AT&T U-Verse.

He and I would watch Shaun of the Dead and discuss zombie killing strategies.

Larry would tell me, "Well, shiiit, Mike, I recon that we ought-ta get goin' to te dinner!"

After to going to Golden Corral for dinner I'd take him back to my house for a night cap.

We'd watch and make fun of Komodo Vs. Cobra and fall asleep in each others' arms....

Then next day I'd be like, What are you getting done today?

"W- well, y-- Ye know."

I'd be like, No, what?

"Er"

G- get her? Are you in the process of raping someone, Lar?

"N- nah man, what in de hell -i- yer problem? It's mah got-dang catch phrase 'git-R-done'--
Ye know, 'RRRR'?"

RRRR?!

So I'd jump on his leg, rip it off, use the bone to gouge out one of his eyeballs, wrangle a disheveled parrot onto his shoulder, and send him to Somalia like the dirty goddamn pirate he is.

"Tongue and Cheek"

Who I Would Hang Out With All the Time if I had the Chance:

Hitler.

Me and Hitler would go around all day, knocking over mail boxes, eating ice cream, and laughing at Judd Apatow films.

I would sit Hitler down, and force him to watch every single episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld.


If Larry David had been born way earlier to make Hitler laugh....

then there would not have been a Holocaust.

Hitler would say, "Michael vat is DEES?!"

And I'd be like, Hitler- Dude- watch this....

And then I'd give him medicine for his syphilis

And then I'd listen to Pagliacci with him.

And then I'd be like, Hey, Adolf-

"Vat?"

Jack boots off of the table, man.

"Michael, zhey are not dirty, vat iz the problem?"

I- it's the principle of the matter, man.

"Vell, I just zhink--

Dude, g- jus- just get them off of the table

And then he'd call me a table Nazi.