My last blog was a little to long so I deleted it.
instead here is a message I received on
fbook from my 17 yr old son after a big fight last November!

Kinda goes with Fathers Day!

Ive been writing this all night (since 1am to now, 9:15 am) and it took alot of thinking to write so: PLEASE READ:This is not an argument, nor this is no defense on my part whatsoever. Its more like an agreement and understanding thru my words. It means alot to me if you read this, because I would like to be heard dispite the fact my voice can never be felt at full pontiential when trying to explain logic to someone like you (writing, i found, is a good way to be heard) I thought real hard about this for the last two nights so please read this.I came with better understanding about things and I learned a couple of things.


Hey dad: I miss you. I will be back tonight and I am truley sorry about what happened last Thursday. Infact: I am sorry for even disrespecting you in any way whatsoever. I learned a few things over the last day alone. You might be a little tough at times, but hey, you are a father, and a damn good father who never gave up no matter how much you really wanted to deep inside. THAT is tough. and fathers are supposed to be tough on their sons anyway. Its a tough world out there and its best to prepare a person for the tough world then to shy the kid away, and for that, I thank you. And who cares if you yell most of the time we deserve it. hahaha. (and plus we aint little kids anymore Im serious. We have no right to disrespect the man who single handedly fought for us; raised us on his own; WHILE in the service; living under the poverty line; dealing with CPS; AND he did it alone and without ever giving up. You are a strong man, and I love and respect you for that.

I no longer blame you for getting mad at me and Zakk every once and a while. I dont blame you AT ALL. I mean come on, look at this story: a man meets a woman, he falls in love with that woman. the man and the woman would soon expect two twins that never saw the light of day, which was by all means: a really sad day. now a couple of years or so later: a new son is born. then another one would soon fallow. He just got married with two kids, just joined the army, and his life looks just fine.
Then things turn to worst (or better. Fate is weird like that). and his wife cheats on him while he is in service for the Army. Naturally, he wanted a devorce. But that was JUST DANDY for the mother, because it gave her an escape route! (weak...).
That led the man to dedicate his life to his children. On his own, he worked, finger to the bone, by himself to raise two kids and to support himself: giving up his dreams for these kids. living thru countless hells and suffering hard on the economy and struggleing to find a job: these kids soon grew up. and they are dicks to you........ and you feel you wasted your life on us, or you went wrong somewhere, so you stress. and you get sad. and you get mad. and all we’ve done is disrespected, argued, and ignored you.
I am pretty sorry about this as well, But im trying to fix myself, and me getting along with you is one of my steps for getting my life back on track. and im telling you now, it's not your fault at all. Me and Zakk, well..... just never GOT it.

Now I get it.....

It is me... I need to fix myself.

I truely want change in our house tho. You don't need to change one bit: be your old self for as long as you are alive! But I really do need a change. Ive been fucking up, skipping school, doing shitty in class, and simply not doing anything cuz I saw no reasons to care about school, or my future, plus Im lazy. And I always knew this too. I just never really cared, and lacked the proper motivation. But then I started thinking about that, and the I thought of you, and then I thought of my mom.

YOU never gave up. Mom did.

A person who fucks up, and gives up, and tries running away and avoiding the problems altogether, are weak minded folks who would quit after backbreaking hard work right before the work is done. That is what mom did. Quit. Even tho she went several months in labor, felt backbreaking pain, stressed out and ruptured her vagina, she gave up after the first round. She quit and quiters are losers, and I was turning into a loser before my very eyes. I never even noticed how pathetic Ive been for the past few months. And I don't ever want to be that person. No, Im not going to be a loser. Im not trying to be like my mom. I hate my mom. I dont even know that bitch.

so as Im thinking about how can I fix my life up, I looked to you for inspiration. You never gave up, no matter how much it killed you inside, you kept the will power, and worked really hard to succeed, and it worked. you are my main inspiration, and it saddens me how we never get along, but then I thought, IM the reason why. IM the only one who can fix it.

Plus, me and zakk are pratictly adults. Its time to start acting like one. I deffinetly took things for granted. And Im sorry for that.

But yeah, im gonna turn around. Stay outta trouble and everything. I had a good wakeup call, and it is time for me to grow up. Im seriously gonna fix myself too. While out of the house, I learned how to not take small things like hygeine, roof, parents, money, life, and family for granted. And since I am granted with a free place to call home, Im gonna actually try to get a job and use the money on household supplys that is my plan.
But yeah, when I get home tho, I AM gonna clean the shit out of the place also even though it may not need it but its a nice refreshing restart.
We need a new start. No more drama. No stupid crap. No fighting. No arguing. Just hospitallity and happiness. And I will clean WHATEVER mess I make as soon as I make it, and I will get on Zakks ass about that as well. Theres gonna be a positive change in our house, and I wanna help. And I seriously need to get myself together in school as well. And I will too. I saw some fucked up people in the last couple of days, I dont wanna be one of them (a loser).

But, may you please NOT complain to me about schooling tho. I am gonna do my shit, but its hard to get back together. And also, what is complaining gonna do? Its on me, my future. And the more I get nagged at about school, the more unmotivated and stupid I feel towards school. Just let me do what I gotta do, and you just sit back with no worries. One more year. and im outta your hair. Lets make this year peaceful.

I seriously do love you dad. I have major respect for you. Just I like to have fun, And I dont like fighting or hearing bitching, so when you told me to leave, I didnt even hesatate. It was my "Get Outta Jail Free" card to me! lol. But seriousness, my additude has changed. I dont feel depressed or inside my own head anymore. I feel happy now. And i plan to spread it to the house.

Seeya later tonight. Im at Corrina's apartment building in Grand Ledge and oh god, if you exist, bless her heart. Shes like the mom I never had. She took care of me last night when i was walking alone in the rain. She talked to me and everything. Plus I saw how spoiled and pussyish Dave was, and Im glad I have a tough dad that toughened me up so I WOULDNT be like that. ahahaha.