look who's back in south carolina.



winter snuck in while i was gone. hard to imagine that this place could look and feel worse than it did when i left, but i guess this serves as a reminder to set my expectations very fucking low.

and my face feels naked.

back in california, and i still feel the same. it's been all ups and downs, from seeing the dog to having to listen to the family argue over trivialities, from visiting my best friend to having to take her to work early, from having access to plenty of free alcohol to exhausting the supply, from watching my family enjoy their gifts to being more-than-slightly underwhelmed at all the shirts i got (not even a single sweater or jacket). i didn't want anything for christmas anyways, but if you're going to get me something, it should be at least something that i need. owning more things, especially clothes, just ends up making me anxious for some reason.

had an interesting conversation (interrupted frequently by people asking about my job) with an old acquaintance on christmas eve; talked about school, the future, drinking with jeff garcia. perhaps i'll see her again later this week. hoping that my glances at her cleavage were neither too frequent nor too noticeable. taking the ex to dinner maybe. and who knows what else. my point? probably another half-assed hook-up that i'll bemoan is in store for me.

i don't know; there's not a lot going on. i'm stuck between disappointment and restlessness.

apparently depression is something that you can't leave across the country.

i'm going on leave. be back in a couple of weeks.

ah, who gives a shit?

my father raised me right. i mean, how else could i explain my love for the clash?











thanks dad.

guess how i feel today? i'm not even really going to get into that one. but hey, the good news is that it wasn't so hard to get myself out of bed this morning. things are getting better, knock on wood. one week until i might be able to go home. qualification exams are a pain in the ass and i'm pretty fucking nervous. i've passed 2 so far, 1 more to go and then there's a comprehensive exam that i'm scared of. time to pull my shit together and get this over with.

my inspiration:

argh!

it's like crack-cocaine. thanks mom.


i need to stay away for a couple of weeks. have an exam tomorrow on something i'm completely clueless about and i may fail it (the topic is reactor casualties, and i find that very ironic). i also have 2 exams next week and a final exam in two weeks covering training for the past 6 months. it is extremely important that i pass that exam so that i may move on to the next phase, go home for christmas, and feel like this past year has not been a complete waste of time. it also doesn't help that i've started writing again, latched on to a good idea now. that's a big enough distraction alone. it's funny how the nightmares of this job contribute so well to fiction, and i swear that all the shit we've learned so far seems like sci-fi. only fitting, then.

i'll pop in on occasion as i'm wont to do.

i am in a severely bad mood today, and work's not over yet.

i've been starting at the same specs and procedures, but nothing is sinking in anymore.

less than a month left in this phase, and i don't give a shit.


so many better things i could be doing right now, but i can't concentrate on anything, especially not work. i could be writing, but even with good ideas i can't get anything down.

ugh, vacation!

i got new tires on the car last night, after discovering that one of the tires had gone flat overnight. switching out to the spare was a frustrating experience as the bolts on the wheels were reverse threaded. so here i'm struggling for half-an-hour to get the nuts loose when i realize that i'm just turning them the right/wrong way. other than that small setback, the rest of the process was fairly easy, even for somebody hopped up on hydrocodon. the car rides an inch lower now, but after a re-alignment and some tinkering drives like a cloud. next on the list: new locks, new paint. it only cost $250, and at least i don't have to worry about having to replace them anytime soon. plus, full-size spare!

while i was waiting for the techs to slap on the new rubber, i went and saw the mist. holy shit. such a hard movie. i really loved it, but the ending hit me like a ton of bricks. i didn't know if it was the glasses or the pain shrugging the vicodin off or what, but i had tears in my eyes when the credits started. honestly a great movie, but i dunno if i'll be seeing it again.

wait. what? it's thanksgiving? well shit.

just called the family, caught them in the middle of preparing dinner. john, the dog, was following them around, waiting for something to drop. an overly ambitious miniature schnauzer, a breed bred to be far too large for their britches, he only got a couple of scraps.

i woke up later than usual today and climbed wearily into my uniform. i drove out to grab some chinese, as noodles are about the only thing i can chew right now. took them straight into work, where i was greeted at the quarter deck by this cute girl that's been popping up in my life lately. she gave me a ride to my surgery, and since then we cross paths, always with the same exchange.

her-"how are you feeling? how's the face?"
me-"hurts like hell."
her-"really?"
me-"haha, not really."
her-"well that's good."
me-"i mean, how does it look?"
her-"looks bad."
me-"no, i meant the swelling."

she is really adorable, and i've been meaning to ask her out. you know, if there's any way i can return the favor. but everytime i talk to her, we're either at work or surrounded by a bunch of nosy shipmates. god damn it.

anyways, so, work today. i stared at a desk for a few hours. did some writing, which cheered me up, but over all it was pretty boring. it's impossible to stay in that building long before a headache comes around or sleep comes calling, and i had left my pills in the car, so i called it a day and came home.

what i'll be doing for the rest of the night? probably keep working on the chinese food, maybe watch some movies. i picked up a copy of stephen king's "skeleton crew," which has the novella that the movie the mist is based on. maybe i'll read some of that. i'd rather be at some restaurant with the cutie, but she's got duty and my face is swollen to shit. oh well, one of these days.