heyo! how's everyone doing? this place seems so quiet; what's going on?

anywhoo, just finished my first week of prototype, and i'm already losing my mind. at first i didn't mind the 12 hour work day (add in commute, breakfast, dinner, showers, and business and i only have 4 hours to sleep at least), but when i was wrapping work up on wednesday i came to a sudden, shocking realization: i hadn't seen the sun since sunday. that's right: i get to work when it's dark, i go home when it's dark. i left work early today for friday, and i was not expecting the bright heat that beat down on me as i left the windowless training building. i can only imagine how bad it's going to be climbing out the sub's hatch next week and getting a face full of blinding rays.

but yes, work. exciting work. i hate every day of it. not only am i finding myself lacking more than a basic understanding of all the complex systems i've been tasked with studying, but now i'm also lacking the ability to convey said basic understanding. this current phase of my training revolves solely around being able to convince qualified engineers that i too qualify to be an engineer. it's kind of hard to sell something that you don't believe in.

look, it's not because i'm not looking forward to working grueling hours when i get out to the fleet. it's not because Trevallion warned me about it a long time ago. it's not because i've been in for a year and have seen such scamp results (i do enjoy the paychecks, sure, but they're not fulfulling in the way i seek to be fulfilled, if you know what i'm sayin'). it's not because i left a beautiful girl who beats the shit out of my heart back in california. it's not because i pulled something all the way back in bootcamp and have been avoiding rehab only because going through with it would stall my progression. it's not because i don't give a shit about what i'm doing. it's not because i live in south carolina now. it's not because i just got back from vacation.

i hate where i am in life right now.

i think the worst part is the doubt. sure, i dislike the navy, but i can always suck it up and deal with it, especially since they're paying me to fulfill a contractual obligation that may or may not have included waiving permanent rights to my soul. but now the real issue is me thinking about what i'm going to do, thinking about what's best for me. do i get out? what are my reasons for getting out? are they just? are they impulsive? i'm just so unsure and worried, stuck between a rock and a hard place. it's like i can't just make up my mind not only on what i want to do, but what my reasons are behind it. if this was a simpler situation (ie one without contracts involved) i would just dump the navy without a second thought because worrying about it any further isn't going to do me any good. aha! not so fast now.

here's my apartment!




yes, i know, you can't see the bedroom. you're not missing anything: a pile of clothes, a closet full of uniforms, a crazy big bed that i sleep in alone. whoop. in fact, this whole place is one big whoop.

about the stink in the head, i've been eating a lot lately. when your job is pretty much self-paced and all you do is sit around and study technical manuals, you'd be eating a lot, too. of course, with great consumption comes great excretion. i poop way too much now. hopefully i'll get fat.

speaking of "hopefully," the lady and i have been talking about flying her out for a weekend (preferably sometime when i have more than just two days off, which isn't likely). the problem is complex:
soon i will be working on a complex rotating schedule: 7 days of 12 hours of work from midnight to mid-day, 2 days off, 7 days of 12 hours work from mid-day to midnight, 2 days off, 7 days of 12 hours work from 0600 to 1800, 2 days off, 4 days of 12 hours work from 0700 to 1900, 4 days off. so to be able to get that 4 days off to land not only on a weekend, but also in a time slot where she can take time off from work and not have to worry about missing a class, is going to be pretty fucking hard. but i will find a way. i almost bought her a ticket for tonight, only $400, but then she'd be landing in charleston at 10 am tomorrow and would have to leave again sunday night. such a short time. augh.

look, shit is hard right now. all i can really do is laugh.

oh, and the overhead light in my car won't go out, even when i close all the car doors. so i have to drive around with my hand over the thing today. and it's hot! good thing my car doesn't really rely on the battery all the much, so hopefully the bulb will burn out before the battery does. and hopefully the bulb doen't burn down the car. i'll deal with that tomorrow.

but yeah, laughing. haha. life is great!

and i'm missing another devil makes three at the amazing phoenix in petaluma! argh! i remember seeing that show with her, and then getting smashed by drunken, sweaty crowd surfers.

"and if you should find me living low, when all those miles have passed me by, and it seems that i have left now all that i could love behind..."

the past week has been interesting. to say the least.

arcata, of course, was great. took a bunch of pictures (none of which will ever see the light of day...stupid take up spool), drank a bunch of 40s, and chilled the fuck out. it was fun to see old friends; felt right back at home. of course, it didn't last long enough. i was supposed to be back in south carolina by now, but the roads flooded to the point where i was stuck in petaluma for a night. had to pay for a hotel room, postpone my flight, and wait for the storms to blow over. looking back on it now, i could have easily stayed in arcata for another night.

and as if i didn't need another reason to be grumpy about being in the navy for 5 more years, away from friends, loved ones, and home, a stinky girl came along and crushed in my chest cavity.




i asked her if she could take a decent picture of herself, and then she punched me. and then i left and she cried. i think we're even now. fucking five years left in the navy. if they didn't pay me an assload, i'd be out by now. my friends offered to shoot me in the spine, and i almost agreed to it. gah!

there's really more to it than i'd care to put into words right now. i mean, a lot more. all i really want to say is: "FUUUUUUCK! SHIT FUCK ASS DAMN IT! GRAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAWRRR! WHYYYYYYY!!!!"

in other news, i had to get cleaned up for work (which i still hope i'm not late for). so i went from this:



to this:

to this:

oh well. flight leaves soon. until then, i'm going to play WoW (i even rolled a new character to play with silly face up there) and brood. i won't have the internet for a while, but hopefully i'll see you guys again soon.

with this little guy's help, i beat bioshock in two sittings. you're bad influence, puppy.

thanks for the love, everyone. i've been a little mopey lately, i know, but you guys sure know how to cheer a fool up.

going to arcata for a few days tomorrow, to see old friends and lovers. should be pretty interesting.

at least there's one somebody who's willing to keep me company on this trip.

less than 24 hours back in california, and i've already been blown off by my last "reliable" friend.

i mean, if i can't even rely on my oldest friend left in the bay area, what hope do i have?

looks like another day of doing nothing but drinking, not eating, and not leaving the house. why did i come back to california?

i should just suck it up and get over myself, because depression is fun!

moving or furnishing. i can't decide which is more depressing.

i'm cool with sleeping on the floor of an unfurnished 697 square foot apartment, but what if a girl comes over? (yes, i'm that lonely.)

my bedroom has only my bed. i mean, that's where all the magic happens; why even bother with all that extra space. i should have just gotten one extra, super-duper large mattress.

in my living room, the television (32" flat screen, what the fuck was i thinking, at least i still won't get cable television) is sitting up on empty cardboard boxes right now. i fucking shit you not.

and now i go back to california, with the place left unfinished, without knowing when exactly i need to report to duty, with my car sure to be nigh impossible to start when i return.

god damn it.

pictures soon...

so, that moving thing? what a pain in the fucking ass. not only is buying new furniture and all the other necessities a major expense, but it turns out the apartment is pretty big. funny how i get to the point where i think that my apartment is too big.

the kitchen, head, and dinette actually work out really well and are squared away. but then...

i get a full size mattress. oh hey, there's still plenty of room in the bedroom. nightstand? bookshelf? desk? it's not like i can leave all that empty space.

i get a nice, retro sofa bed. oh hey, the living room is still fucking spacey. do i get a coffee table? a television? bookshelf?

argh.

and then there's decorations?

double argh!

but the place is livable as of now, nice and warm. i can't wait to take advantage of that fireplace.

and i feel good that i've paid for everything on my own, with no credit cards or loans to worry about.

i have one more day of "moving in" tomorrow, and then i go back to california. right now going back to california is going to be an issue, especially with the apartment needing a little more work and now with my orders listing my report date as a couple of days sooner than i was told.

so yeah, just how i like my leave. nice and stressful.

pictures of the apartment and graduation soon...

see you guys again soon.



oh snap, the hotel has a (shitty and slow) wireless network!