A solitary existence
bereft of love, bereft of companionship
In a sea of tears I drown myself
and let the waters of sorrow take me down
let the fluid fill my lungs and wash away the knowledge of a better life
I long to die and remove myself from this world of feeling
let the poison I take, take me away
no longer for the moment but for eternity
bereft of love, bereft of companionship
In a sea of tears I drown myself
and let the waters of sorrow take me down
let the fluid fill my lungs and wash away the knowledge of a better life
I long to die and remove myself from this world of feeling
let the poison I take, take me away
no longer for the moment but for eternity
lost my job...this time to business collapse, 6 weeks of bouncing checks and slow business has closed the restaurant, so now i'm on the hunt for a new job...do i find a new place to sling food or do i try a new endeavor?
I'm so damn tired of my life, of lack there of...do i take out a shitload of loans and go back to school so i can wear a suit and work from 9 to 5 filing reports or some other job an English degree woulds garner. or do i keep my head down and try to survive long enough to move out and continue this pathetic existence alone, away from the disappointed looks from my parents.
ftw...i don't wanna be here anymore
I'm so damn tired of my life, of lack there of...do i take out a shitload of loans and go back to school so i can wear a suit and work from 9 to 5 filing reports or some other job an English degree woulds garner. or do i keep my head down and try to survive long enough to move out and continue this pathetic existence alone, away from the disappointed looks from my parents.
ftw...i don't wanna be here anymore
well, i'm back in town 3 days now from the beach
more pics soon to come but i just had to show you one of the lame-ass paintings that was in my bedroom at the condo
this is the painting
this is the wallpaper the painting was based on...notice the smaller boat
this is the painting hung directly below the aforementioned wallpaper...now that's style
more pics soon to come but i just had to show you one of the lame-ass paintings that was in my bedroom at the condo
this is the painting
this is the wallpaper the painting was based on...notice the smaller boat
this is the painting hung directly below the aforementioned wallpaper...now that's style
well I finally got a new job, slinging food at Bennigans in the mall. I go in tomorrow morning for orientation so I'll prolly be on the floor sometime next week! i'm still on the look for a new weedman and down town should open up some new opportunities 
well, spent the last week in the CRU (Crisis Recovery Unit) after getting drunk and having a manic episode...whoo fuckin hoo...but if you ever want to feel better about yourself, go to a mental hygiene ward.
now i'm not saying i'm the sanest person in the world by any means, but try being locked up with schizophrenics, bi-polars not on their meds, and sociopaths when all you have in depression and OCD. being stuck in an unfamiliar place with rules and restrictions out the ass, doctors asking you the same questions every 2 hours, and patients who are bat shit crazy rambling on and on and on about if God and Jesus where people and then saying "it doesn't really matter does it, that's three words"
i mean shit, i feel more crazy after being in there than i did when i was in the manic episode that put me in the mother fucker.
now i'm not saying i'm the sanest person in the world by any means, but try being locked up with schizophrenics, bi-polars not on their meds, and sociopaths when all you have in depression and OCD. being stuck in an unfamiliar place with rules and restrictions out the ass, doctors asking you the same questions every 2 hours, and patients who are bat shit crazy rambling on and on and on about if God and Jesus where people and then saying "it doesn't really matter does it, that's three words"
i mean shit, i feel more crazy after being in there than i did when i was in the manic episode that put me in the mother fucker.
EvilVampireRyoko (12:57:56 AM): mew?
Mortius Risen (12:58:41 AM): sup girl
EvilVampireRyoko (12:59:06 AM): not a whole lot..was sleeping but my comp woke me up..
Mortius Risen (12:59:35 AM): how ya feelin'?
EvilVampireRyoko (1:00:02 AM): bleh.. I could use someone to hold me right now..btw sorry about last night
Mortius Risen (1:00:30 AM): hey...no reason to be sorry
Mortius Risen (1:01:32 AM): i just wish i was what you needed
EvilVampireRyoko (1:01:34 AM): youre more of a man then i was willing to admit..most people would have took advantage
EvilVampireRyoko (1:02:11 AM): Why do you say that?
Mortius Risen (1:03:22 AM): i just feel we both need stronger people than either one of us can support...
Mortius Risen (1:03:48 AM): we both need strong people and i'm afraid i'm not strong enough
EvilVampireRyoko (1:04:01 AM): How do you know if you don't try?
Mortius Risen (1:08:21 AM): i've tried before, i'm not saying you're like those that i've been with before...but i see the signs that we may depreciate each other...call it experience or psychosis, but i'm just not sure either one of us could help each other find what we really need
Mortius Risen (1:09:31 AM): i really want to be your friend...i'm just not sure if i could be your lover
EvilVampireRyoko (1:10:04 AM): brb
EvilVampireRyoko (1:13:03 AM): I think your folding your cardsa little early..you saw me yesterday not onmy meds...i'm usually a little more stable, that and the lonliness gets to me way too much..
EvilVampireRyoko (1:14:52 AM): but if thats how you feel then i'm not going to get my hopes up and being like oh he'll change his mind later..i'm not going to set my self up to get hurt like that
Mortius Risen (1:24:25 AM): which is why i said all these things, i like you and respect you...i just honestly feel we woould end up enabiling each other...you need a stronger person than i can provide
EvilVampireRyoko (1:27:58 AM): yea sure
EvilVampireRyoko (1:28:33 AM): i'm off to bed..i'll talk to you whenever..*kisses cheek* night
Mortius Risen (1:28:51 AM): night-night
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Mortius Risen (12:58:41 AM): sup girl
EvilVampireRyoko (12:59:06 AM): not a whole lot..was sleeping but my comp woke me up..
Mortius Risen (12:59:35 AM): how ya feelin'?
EvilVampireRyoko (1:00:02 AM): bleh.. I could use someone to hold me right now..btw sorry about last night
Mortius Risen (1:00:30 AM): hey...no reason to be sorry
Mortius Risen (1:01:32 AM): i just wish i was what you needed
EvilVampireRyoko (1:01:34 AM): youre more of a man then i was willing to admit..most people would have took advantage
EvilVampireRyoko (1:02:11 AM): Why do you say that?
Mortius Risen (1:03:22 AM): i just feel we both need stronger people than either one of us can support...
Mortius Risen (1:03:48 AM): we both need strong people and i'm afraid i'm not strong enough
EvilVampireRyoko (1:04:01 AM): How do you know if you don't try?
Mortius Risen (1:08:21 AM): i've tried before, i'm not saying you're like those that i've been with before...but i see the signs that we may depreciate each other...call it experience or psychosis, but i'm just not sure either one of us could help each other find what we really need
Mortius Risen (1:09:31 AM): i really want to be your friend...i'm just not sure if i could be your lover
EvilVampireRyoko (1:10:04 AM): brb
EvilVampireRyoko (1:13:03 AM): I think your folding your cardsa little early..you saw me yesterday not onmy meds...i'm usually a little more stable, that and the lonliness gets to me way too much..
EvilVampireRyoko (1:14:52 AM): but if thats how you feel then i'm not going to get my hopes up and being like oh he'll change his mind later..i'm not going to set my self up to get hurt like that
Mortius Risen (1:24:25 AM): which is why i said all these things, i like you and respect you...i just honestly feel we woould end up enabiling each other...you need a stronger person than i can provide
EvilVampireRyoko (1:27:58 AM): yea sure
EvilVampireRyoko (1:28:33 AM): i'm off to bed..i'll talk to you whenever..*kisses cheek* night
Mortius Risen (1:28:51 AM): night-night
EvilVampireRyoko signed off at 1:29:08 AM.
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well hell, i went on that okcupid place and filled out all the stuff, and who do i meet...another chick as crazy as i am and not in the good way. plus as it is i'm not attracted to her physically...but being lonely as hell, we go out and end up making out, get a lil bj action, but can't cum! i mean is my head so fucked up that i can't even enjoy a bj without getting stuck in my head thinking about how i've been burned in the past?!? now she wants to build a relationship and i could care less about her...so now what the fuck do i do? she likes D&D and WoW...i play neither. why can't i find someone i'm attracted to and is attracted to me?!? what the fuck
i mean, i hope i don't sound shallow...but when lord whens gonna be my time?
i mean, i hope i don't sound shallow...but when lord whens gonna be my time?
Winter...
That reoccurring theme running through my soul.
Deadening my heart and stilling my will.
Mad and frost bitten I plea for deaths final embrace.
As the season pushes onward
Spring never coming soon enough,
Never warming the core.
As I sit in silence watching the snow,
I see myself falling further into freezing.
I see useless hands blackened and dead.
I thought these fingers were meant for something.
Fruitful endeavors exploring the soul.
They now sit senseless save the pain;
Pins and needles reminding me of their wasted existence.
My eyes become blinded by the cold
And from staring into the snowy void.
What was I to see as I looked into the freeze?
Like reading Greek my eyes got lost in the scanning;
But the white of snow brings on vertigo.
And the insanity of the search leave only nightmares.
Things my fingers could never translate.
That reoccurring theme running through my soul.
Deadening my heart and stilling my will.
Mad and frost bitten I plea for deaths final embrace.
As the season pushes onward
Spring never coming soon enough,
Never warming the core.
As I sit in silence watching the snow,
I see myself falling further into freezing.
I see useless hands blackened and dead.
I thought these fingers were meant for something.
Fruitful endeavors exploring the soul.
They now sit senseless save the pain;
Pins and needles reminding me of their wasted existence.
My eyes become blinded by the cold
And from staring into the snowy void.
What was I to see as I looked into the freeze?
Like reading Greek my eyes got lost in the scanning;
But the white of snow brings on vertigo.
And the insanity of the search leave only nightmares.
Things my fingers could never translate.
The first Vampire...
Lilith birthed many children but the angels Sanvai, Sansanvai, and Semanglof came for each. After her union with Cain, Lilith returned to the abandoned gardens of Eden and gave birth inside the cave where she slept after first leaving Adam to name his paradise. Inside the cave she warned her son "Hide well from the light of the sun for it is of Adam, and the angels who watch over him." In the eve she would carry her child out into the withering gardens and in the coolness of night she said "Fear not the shine of the moon for it is of your creatrix, your mother and the demons who stand between you sand God."
Lilith then cut deep into her breast and made the child to suckle. Again she spoke "The meat of animals and plants will not sustain you. To survive you must take the blood of the sons and daughters of Adam for nourishment."
As forty years past the child grew strong and finally pronounced his name. "I am Henok, the child of Lilith the first woman of God. I am Henok, the child of Cain the surviving son of Adam. And it is time I left my mothers Cave for my Fathers City"
Lilith wept. "You are strong my son and will rule your father's city passionately and without want. Go now into Nod and seek out the city of your father. But be wary of those known as the Tzaddikim, the followers of Seth, for they are purifiers and believe our kind to be evil. They will carry symbols of the creator and weapons cast in silver which will cause you to heal as slow as the sons of Adam."
Lilith birthed many children but the angels Sanvai, Sansanvai, and Semanglof came for each. After her union with Cain, Lilith returned to the abandoned gardens of Eden and gave birth inside the cave where she slept after first leaving Adam to name his paradise. Inside the cave she warned her son "Hide well from the light of the sun for it is of Adam, and the angels who watch over him." In the eve she would carry her child out into the withering gardens and in the coolness of night she said "Fear not the shine of the moon for it is of your creatrix, your mother and the demons who stand between you sand God."
Lilith then cut deep into her breast and made the child to suckle. Again she spoke "The meat of animals and plants will not sustain you. To survive you must take the blood of the sons and daughters of Adam for nourishment."
As forty years past the child grew strong and finally pronounced his name. "I am Henok, the child of Lilith the first woman of God. I am Henok, the child of Cain the surviving son of Adam. And it is time I left my mothers Cave for my Fathers City"
Lilith wept. "You are strong my son and will rule your father's city passionately and without want. Go now into Nod and seek out the city of your father. But be wary of those known as the Tzaddikim, the followers of Seth, for they are purifiers and believe our kind to be evil. They will carry symbols of the creator and weapons cast in silver which will cause you to heal as slow as the sons of Adam."
My Great Tourniquet
I have this tourniquet
Wrapped about my veins
Closing my carotid and jugular
Bringing me final healing
From this serrated life.
I need this tourniquet
Keeping my blood at bay
Far from my wounded mind
Taking me away from this place
Away from this jagged embrace.
I live for my tourniquet
And now too shall I die
Closing my eyes waiting to fall
Away into this uncertain abyss
Full of new demons yet to exercise.
I covet this tourniquet
It's my bearing cross
Stopping the poison from infecting
Stealing my body from the pain
Keeping the world chased from my disease.
I own this tourniquet
I have paid my dues to Chiron
But stand at the rivers edge lonely
No salvation can be found
In those Asphodel Fields.
I have this tourniquet
Wrapped about my veins
Closing my carotid and jugular
Bringing me final healing
From this serrated life.
I need this tourniquet
Keeping my blood at bay
Far from my wounded mind
Taking me away from this place
Away from this jagged embrace.
I live for my tourniquet
And now too shall I die
Closing my eyes waiting to fall
Away into this uncertain abyss
Full of new demons yet to exercise.
I covet this tourniquet
It's my bearing cross
Stopping the poison from infecting
Stealing my body from the pain
Keeping the world chased from my disease.
I own this tourniquet
I have paid my dues to Chiron
But stand at the rivers edge lonely
No salvation can be found
In those Asphodel Fields.
