it's been a weird couple months.
a guy who has been my best friend for more than 12 years is now someone i no longer speak to. we've been through so much together and that friendship meant a lot to me. but over the past several years he's moved more and more into being a self destructive alcoholic and i just can't carry that burden for him anymore. he finally pushed things past my limit and i realized that he was the albatross around my neck. i miss the guy a lot, but i feel so much more free not having to take care of him.
then two more of my best friends both moved about 3 hours away. and another got into a relationship last year that took him from having one kid part time to 3 full time and one part time. and he's always fighting with his girlfriend. i see him once a month if i'm lucky, and it usually takes about 2 days of leaving messages just to get him on the phone.
we used to all hang out weekly and do stuff together all the time, and that's really left a hole in me. it's pretty lonely to go from having a core group of friends to almost none in such a short time. people grow up and move on, i get that. but i've always been afraid to move on. and i certainly don't want to grow up. i'm old enough already.
my last several weeks have been mostly me watching downloaded tv shows on my computer and downloading comics to read, but i realized today that it feels like i'm just killing time most of the time. sometimes i literally sit there and think "i need to be in bed by midnight, what can i do to fill the next four hours?" it's not even that i want to do those things, it's that i need to do those things to keep myself from being bored out of my mind.
and then i feel like i'm a burden to my few friends left, because i try too hard to do things with them because i'm starting to reach a point where i can't stand to just sit around my house with nothing to do.
bleh. i feel like this entry is just me whining.
my life isn't that bad. i do have a few amazing friends and i've got some great stuff going on with film projects... i guess i just kinda get nostalgic for when i had more to do.
a guy who has been my best friend for more than 12 years is now someone i no longer speak to. we've been through so much together and that friendship meant a lot to me. but over the past several years he's moved more and more into being a self destructive alcoholic and i just can't carry that burden for him anymore. he finally pushed things past my limit and i realized that he was the albatross around my neck. i miss the guy a lot, but i feel so much more free not having to take care of him.
then two more of my best friends both moved about 3 hours away. and another got into a relationship last year that took him from having one kid part time to 3 full time and one part time. and he's always fighting with his girlfriend. i see him once a month if i'm lucky, and it usually takes about 2 days of leaving messages just to get him on the phone.
we used to all hang out weekly and do stuff together all the time, and that's really left a hole in me. it's pretty lonely to go from having a core group of friends to almost none in such a short time. people grow up and move on, i get that. but i've always been afraid to move on. and i certainly don't want to grow up. i'm old enough already.
my last several weeks have been mostly me watching downloaded tv shows on my computer and downloading comics to read, but i realized today that it feels like i'm just killing time most of the time. sometimes i literally sit there and think "i need to be in bed by midnight, what can i do to fill the next four hours?" it's not even that i want to do those things, it's that i need to do those things to keep myself from being bored out of my mind.
and then i feel like i'm a burden to my few friends left, because i try too hard to do things with them because i'm starting to reach a point where i can't stand to just sit around my house with nothing to do.
bleh. i feel like this entry is just me whining.
my life isn't that bad. i do have a few amazing friends and i've got some great stuff going on with film projects... i guess i just kinda get nostalgic for when i had more to do.
About five years ago I attended the college graduation of a good friend. After the ceremony, friends and family all went out for dinner. My friend Matt and I were sitting across from a girl neither of us had met and somehow our conversation with her led to the idea of marriage and it's role within Christianity. Now, I really didn't care much either way, but her ideas were really out there and so I started to argue with her.... but mostly I was just fucking with her. Trying to get a rise out of her. After about five minutes of this she got really annoyed at us and turned to our mutual friend, the recent graduate, and told him "They aren't listening to me!"
Now, what he said in return probably wasn't that profound. But for some reason it left a huge impression on me. He turned to her and said "All you can do is tell them what you think." and then went back to his conversation.
See? Like I said, not really that profound. But to me it meant a lot. I've always been strong willed and opinionated and have always wanted to try to control things. I know most people probably don't think I have any faults, but I do have a couple. And I think that's my biggest one. I really don't ever consciously decide to be a control freak, in fact I kinda hate it most of the time. I don't want to be in charge of everything but I find I have a hard time trusting others to get things done. And I also have a hard time trusting their experiences and decisions have been as well thought out as mine.
Over the past few months I've been trying to change. I think I've become less snobby about things and even relaxed on some of the ideals I try to make myself hold, especially the dumb ones. I've tried to just chill more. I feel like it's worked.
I've tried to let go of things I can't control. It's an ongoing process, and it's harder some days than others, but I feel good about it. It's very freeing to be able to say "I can't do anything about that." But to bring it back to my original point, I found another place I can use that phrase. "All you can do is love them." See, I'm madly in love with a girl who also happens to be my best friend. But that's just it, we're just friends. We constantly talk about how we'll be together forever, and that's my life's goal. I need her in my life. The problem is, I tried to control that. I tried to make her see how I feel and make her say the same things as me. And that can't work. It almost ruined what we have as friends, and for months I felt so completely alone without her. "All I can do is love her."
That's it. It's that simple. I can't change her mind, I can't win her over. I can't do anything. I'm completely powerless.
All I can do is love her. Be there for her always. Tell her how much she means to me and show it through my actions. Because loving her is more important than anything else. A wise friend once said to me "loving a person is a great achievement, and being loved is secondary to that." I love her unconditionally, and I will show that.
Now, what he said in return probably wasn't that profound. But for some reason it left a huge impression on me. He turned to her and said "All you can do is tell them what you think." and then went back to his conversation.
See? Like I said, not really that profound. But to me it meant a lot. I've always been strong willed and opinionated and have always wanted to try to control things. I know most people probably don't think I have any faults, but I do have a couple. And I think that's my biggest one. I really don't ever consciously decide to be a control freak, in fact I kinda hate it most of the time. I don't want to be in charge of everything but I find I have a hard time trusting others to get things done. And I also have a hard time trusting their experiences and decisions have been as well thought out as mine.
Over the past few months I've been trying to change. I think I've become less snobby about things and even relaxed on some of the ideals I try to make myself hold, especially the dumb ones. I've tried to just chill more. I feel like it's worked.
I've tried to let go of things I can't control. It's an ongoing process, and it's harder some days than others, but I feel good about it. It's very freeing to be able to say "I can't do anything about that." But to bring it back to my original point, I found another place I can use that phrase. "All you can do is love them." See, I'm madly in love with a girl who also happens to be my best friend. But that's just it, we're just friends. We constantly talk about how we'll be together forever, and that's my life's goal. I need her in my life. The problem is, I tried to control that. I tried to make her see how I feel and make her say the same things as me. And that can't work. It almost ruined what we have as friends, and for months I felt so completely alone without her. "All I can do is love her."
That's it. It's that simple. I can't change her mind, I can't win her over. I can't do anything. I'm completely powerless.
All I can do is love her. Be there for her always. Tell her how much she means to me and show it through my actions. Because loving her is more important than anything else. A wise friend once said to me "loving a person is a great achievement, and being loved is secondary to that." I love her unconditionally, and I will show that.
my last week in pictures:
we discovered these for 50 cents. all four flavors look the same until you eat them. watermelon, strawberry, apple and popcorn. the popcorn tastes like butter and salt and is disgusting. and they're weirdly fluffy.
but you should probably try them if you get a chance.
then i went to oklahoma to hang out with some of my favorite people in the world. oklahoma has this:
i don't even know what else to say about this. except that i also found out ed hardy makes a perfume called skank.
the second night there i got so drunk that i wandered around downtown oklahoma city with my friend. we found cones on the sidewalk that i used to block an entire lane of traffic for about a mile. 3 days later it was still there. also, i thought a street sign was really confusing (i'd never seen one like it before) so i pushed it over. then i found this store, which i found very silly and annoying.
i stole a flower from the pot by the door and then talked about how dumb it is to buy flowers from them when they put them out for free.
the walk home contained some talk about muggles and squibs.
after lots of rest and plenty of excedrin, we drove out route 66 to pop's soda shop! they have hundreds of different sodas from all over and apparently they rotate the selection every month. it was pretty awesome and i got some good stuff. they have this out front.
this store made me laugh, because i considered all the jokes that can come from working security there.
what do you do? i work homeland security. oh yeah, lots of good perks? i get discounts on my groceries.
the fact that this comic exists made me laugh.
when we were drunk we started talking about how great it was when taco bell had frito burritos. so we made our own. i can guarantee you they tasted better than this pictures makes it look.
after going to see my friend jed's band, i walked out of the bar to see this stuffed dog sitting on the dash of a giant pickup truck. it was amazing.
and while it was all super fun, i enjoyed coming home to my pack of dogs.
i missed them.
we discovered these for 50 cents. all four flavors look the same until you eat them. watermelon, strawberry, apple and popcorn. the popcorn tastes like butter and salt and is disgusting. and they're weirdly fluffy.
but you should probably try them if you get a chance.
then i went to oklahoma to hang out with some of my favorite people in the world. oklahoma has this:
i don't even know what else to say about this. except that i also found out ed hardy makes a perfume called skank.
the second night there i got so drunk that i wandered around downtown oklahoma city with my friend. we found cones on the sidewalk that i used to block an entire lane of traffic for about a mile. 3 days later it was still there. also, i thought a street sign was really confusing (i'd never seen one like it before) so i pushed it over. then i found this store, which i found very silly and annoying.
i stole a flower from the pot by the door and then talked about how dumb it is to buy flowers from them when they put them out for free.
the walk home contained some talk about muggles and squibs.
after lots of rest and plenty of excedrin, we drove out route 66 to pop's soda shop! they have hundreds of different sodas from all over and apparently they rotate the selection every month. it was pretty awesome and i got some good stuff. they have this out front.
this store made me laugh, because i considered all the jokes that can come from working security there.
what do you do? i work homeland security. oh yeah, lots of good perks? i get discounts on my groceries.
the fact that this comic exists made me laugh.
when we were drunk we started talking about how great it was when taco bell had frito burritos. so we made our own. i can guarantee you they tasted better than this pictures makes it look.
after going to see my friend jed's band, i walked out of the bar to see this stuffed dog sitting on the dash of a giant pickup truck. it was amazing.
and while it was all super fun, i enjoyed coming home to my pack of dogs.
i missed them.
my roommate of 2 and a half years moved out today.
we've had our problems over the last year, but i just realized this afternoon that i'm really going to miss him. we've been friends for about 6 years and he's moving back to where he grew up, three hours away. he was always there as someone i could go hang out with or do something with. and he was always there to talk to about stuff, because we liked so many of the same things.
most of my friends have either moved or become super busy lately. it's weird. and up until two months ago i've only ever lived with people i was already friends with. i live with two strangers for roommates now. they're both good guys (as far as i can tell... i don't know what they do in their off time) but it's still weird.
i don't really dislike things now, but sometimes i wish i could dial back the clock just a little bit.
we've had our problems over the last year, but i just realized this afternoon that i'm really going to miss him. we've been friends for about 6 years and he's moving back to where he grew up, three hours away. he was always there as someone i could go hang out with or do something with. and he was always there to talk to about stuff, because we liked so many of the same things.
most of my friends have either moved or become super busy lately. it's weird. and up until two months ago i've only ever lived with people i was already friends with. i live with two strangers for roommates now. they're both good guys (as far as i can tell... i don't know what they do in their off time) but it's still weird.
i don't really dislike things now, but sometimes i wish i could dial back the clock just a little bit.
i hate dealing with people sometimes.
so if someone says to you "i have no interest in a relationship, i just want to hang out every once in a while and maybe fuck when we can", you'd think they were telling the truth right?
but if after hanging out a few times they start texting all the time about wanting to hang out and they want you to meet their friends and they're always saying things like "i just really like being around you" and "when can i come over to your place and meet all your friends" and stuff like that... you'd think maybe their first statement was false, right? or if you're legitimately busy and say you don't have time to meet that week and they send texts every day asking if you're free that night? and leave messages on your facebook? blech.
it's not like she's terrible, i just don't have any interest like that. and if she wanted more, she should say so rather than just acting like our first conversation never happened. come on, just say what you mean, you know?
the truth is, except for a few very very rare cases, i'm much happier being alone. it takes a lot for me to want to have some type of commitment. and not in the "i'm afraid of commitment" cliche, but in the "i'm pretty ok on my own and unless you really wow me, i don't need the entanglements", kind of way. my ideal life would be to buy my own island and live on it. i'd want people to visit, sure. but it'd be so peaceful without them. as long as i had tons of movies and tv shows to watch, books and comics to read, and access to the internet (with a lifetime subscription to the most amazingly beautiful girls on the internet, suicidegirls, natch) i'd be happy.
a guy can dream, right?
for now i think i'll just hang out with the pack of dogs that never seem to leave me alone. they like to chew things up that don't belong to them, but they're cute so they can get away with it.
on a lighter note i had the most amazing time monday night. it's too late to start typing about it tonight but i need to get it out somewhere soon. it involves a 27 year old dude with aspergers, tons of beer, and a strip club where we were the only customers. yeah. it's insane.
so if someone says to you "i have no interest in a relationship, i just want to hang out every once in a while and maybe fuck when we can", you'd think they were telling the truth right?
but if after hanging out a few times they start texting all the time about wanting to hang out and they want you to meet their friends and they're always saying things like "i just really like being around you" and "when can i come over to your place and meet all your friends" and stuff like that... you'd think maybe their first statement was false, right? or if you're legitimately busy and say you don't have time to meet that week and they send texts every day asking if you're free that night? and leave messages on your facebook? blech.
it's not like she's terrible, i just don't have any interest like that. and if she wanted more, she should say so rather than just acting like our first conversation never happened. come on, just say what you mean, you know?
the truth is, except for a few very very rare cases, i'm much happier being alone. it takes a lot for me to want to have some type of commitment. and not in the "i'm afraid of commitment" cliche, but in the "i'm pretty ok on my own and unless you really wow me, i don't need the entanglements", kind of way. my ideal life would be to buy my own island and live on it. i'd want people to visit, sure. but it'd be so peaceful without them. as long as i had tons of movies and tv shows to watch, books and comics to read, and access to the internet (with a lifetime subscription to the most amazingly beautiful girls on the internet, suicidegirls, natch) i'd be happy.
a guy can dream, right?
for now i think i'll just hang out with the pack of dogs that never seem to leave me alone. they like to chew things up that don't belong to them, but they're cute so they can get away with it.
on a lighter note i had the most amazing time monday night. it's too late to start typing about it tonight but i need to get it out somewhere soon. it involves a 27 year old dude with aspergers, tons of beer, and a strip club where we were the only customers. yeah. it's insane.
this has been a super awesome week!
sunday night i get bad news about the film i made with evangeline. we didn't get into austin film festival. we had been assured for months that we were a shoe-in by one of the head festival programmers. everyone up there loves our film and the head of the festival supposedly watched it twice because he loved it so much. but apparently last minute politics forced a decision between our film and another because of a slight similarity in premise and the other film had more connections to those in charge. so that sucks. but there are more festivals and we're already submitting to them. and at least i get a free producer's badge for the fest because the guy up there felt so bad that we got screwed.
you can watch the teaser trailer here.
then, monday i'm not able to work. so i go run some errands instead. on my way home my car is overheating. so i pull over and find out that my freakin' radiator is cracked. perfect.
tuesday i find a new radiator and a friend helps me install it. which was weird because i've never done anything like that. everything seems to be ok so far....
but then find out i can't work the rest of the week either. so not only was i broke before, but i'm super broke because i had to buy a new radiator. AWESOME.
oh yeah, and i found out i'm losing a roommate and need to find someone new by the 1st or i'm screwed on rent too. anyone need a place to live in austin?
haha, i'm sure something awesome will happen next week and i'll forget about all this. i hope.
oh! norm macdonald is in town in two weeks. that should turn things around.
sunday night i get bad news about the film i made with evangeline. we didn't get into austin film festival. we had been assured for months that we were a shoe-in by one of the head festival programmers. everyone up there loves our film and the head of the festival supposedly watched it twice because he loved it so much. but apparently last minute politics forced a decision between our film and another because of a slight similarity in premise and the other film had more connections to those in charge. so that sucks. but there are more festivals and we're already submitting to them. and at least i get a free producer's badge for the fest because the guy up there felt so bad that we got screwed.
you can watch the teaser trailer here.
then, monday i'm not able to work. so i go run some errands instead. on my way home my car is overheating. so i pull over and find out that my freakin' radiator is cracked. perfect.
tuesday i find a new radiator and a friend helps me install it. which was weird because i've never done anything like that. everything seems to be ok so far....
but then find out i can't work the rest of the week either. so not only was i broke before, but i'm super broke because i had to buy a new radiator. AWESOME.
oh yeah, and i found out i'm losing a roommate and need to find someone new by the 1st or i'm screwed on rent too. anyone need a place to live in austin?
haha, i'm sure something awesome will happen next week and i'll forget about all this. i hope.
oh! norm macdonald is in town in two weeks. that should turn things around.
i've never written a blog on here.
being drunk is probably not the best time to start, right? but no one will read this so whatever.
my entire life i've had occurrences of depersonalization disorder, but i just assumed that everyone had that problem. then i saw a movie last year where a guy suffered from it and realized that it wasn't something everyone goes through. oops.
i mean, it's not severe like the guy in the movie, but it's weird and i don't like it. it mostly happens when i'm depressed, i think. i've been depressed lately and it's happened a lot.
depression sucks. love sucks.
but it always comes back to the saying my dad always said, right? life sucks and then you die.
the end.
being drunk is probably not the best time to start, right? but no one will read this so whatever.
my entire life i've had occurrences of depersonalization disorder, but i just assumed that everyone had that problem. then i saw a movie last year where a guy suffered from it and realized that it wasn't something everyone goes through. oops.
i mean, it's not severe like the guy in the movie, but it's weird and i don't like it. it mostly happens when i'm depressed, i think. i've been depressed lately and it's happened a lot.
depression sucks. love sucks.
but it always comes back to the saying my dad always said, right? life sucks and then you die.
the end.
