So I learned yesterday that the first girl I ever truly fell in love with; to the point where I was planning our lives together in my head, and whom I briefly dated before she told me she couldn't be in a relationship *with anyone*, has moved in with her boyfriend. The one she's been hiding from me, for months, apparently.

So, when I wanted to date her it was too much but she goes and moves out of her mom's and into the city and meets some fucking guy and within the year they're fucking dating and living together? What the fuck?

I really tried to be friends with her but the fact of the matter is that I can't be friends with someone I love. It just can't happen. After we dated we spent even more time together than we did when we were seeing each other. I couldn't help falling for her. She's an amazing girl, or at least she is for the most part.

I've suspected something was going on for months now. To find out I wasn't crazy was both a relief and one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. I've never truly understood what it means to be heartbroken until now. I loved her so much and now we're not even talking anymore. I just can't wrap my head around how cruel she was to keep this from me.

For nearly two years it was one argument after another about my feelings for her and them getting between us. But if instead of telling me that she couldn't say for certain we'd never go out again, that she just wasn't interested in dating *me*, I could have moved on with my life. But she didn't. She strung me along, and for what? Attention? My friendship? My sense of humor?

Ladies, if you know that a guy has really deep feelings for you and you're not into him please tell him. Don't leave that lingering hope because that makes people like me into miserable people.

I've never been so unhappy or lonely in my entire life. I can feel a scream building up in my chest that begs to be let out in a frenzy of rage and sorrow and grief but I can't do it. I feel everything and nothing. I want to cry but there aren't any tears. I want to scream but I don't have a voice.

She was everything to me and she just threw it away to fuck some guy who couldn't possibly feel for her what I do. Or did. I don't even know what I'm feeling at this point. It's too much for me to process. I feel like I'm about to shut down. My face is expressionless one minute, then I'm hitching in a breath on the verge of a complete emotional scene the next. Then it passes before the first tear can fall.

All I've ever wanted was someone to be with. I've never had it. I thought I did once a couple of years ago, but I was wrong. When Jaime came into my life I knew I'd met the one. And now she hates me. How does that happen? Why does that happen?

Why does she have to fuck Phil? Who the fuck is Phil? What does Phil have that I didn't have?

It's not fucking fair. It was supposed to work out for me.

It's just not fair.