what a busy night...

ive finished reviewing for the 'speech' exam tomorrow.

now, i get to fall asleep next to God's little gift...

It's time to spend a bit, get reaquainted with the site.
i haven't even looked through a set in months.

Ive contacted none of my 'friends', and the inverse is also true.
so, over the next few days.....

otherwise, i study. Ive got 14 credit hours per week to worry about right now.
For once once, busy with something other than my unhealthy preoccupations.
much a'do.... and glad to have you.

a profile overhaul?
what is so relevant dear??

im a shadow for something very beautiful.. isnt that the jist of it?


you are a treasure, and for you i am slowly failing to live up... no?


too often i still do not know just what to do,
head spins and the world will not
body aches and it screams for more
abuse or denial or
a trick between the both of them
i try to hold some focus
if only on a single thing or moment
or victim
of the same complaint ive been feeding you
for how goddamn long?
...too goddamn long.

something unsettling is under my skin tonight.

she is three thousand miles from me.
i cannot protect, i cannot remind. am i therefore doomed?
is it too late...?

my failing rational mind does it's best to keep hold on my worry.. but I have never not been betrayed.
..and my phone isn't ringing much..


T-minus and counting, till I am a ghost..

i am with the best girl ever tonight.
good for me.

I am considering doing something with these dreds. Maybe dying them black? Maybe ridding some of the jewelry? Perhaps a bit of a trim....

I have learned that there is a dredlock group on here....

so.. it has been so long since a human being has taken my heart...
i have for so long been trapped by heroin, locked away from you all.

all things of mine have suffered, my artwork, my finances, my sociability.
i thought my world to be unrecoverable.
even the sun itself had lost all glimmer...

in a way, it seemed that Heroin was the only thing that wanted me, at all.
Now, the girl of the century has somehow seen me as good, i am stunned and honored.

she certainly has me thinking. she has me seeing...
everything just looks so much more, vivid.

I am even re-investigating myself... looking at once for value i have missed these past years.
I am still at a loss as to why this angel has even glanced upon me.
Nevertheless, my eyes are opening.
I am humbled by the beauty of it all.. I am inspired. To be social, to make work, to move on

I have even been inspired to become involved in my social life, like improving my involvement here, on SG. I havent been too active here in a very long time.
Whatever the case, i am so blessed.

These two demons have felt the wings of an angel, i cannot be the same from here.

I so rarely make it over to SG these days. Ive got alot going on, some of it quite stressful.
Nevertheless, I am still out here, somewhere.

If you somehow believe that you are not on my mind and in my heart, that i do not wonder and worry for you... you are so deeply mistaken.

i post so damn infrequently on here.
im a little better with the myspace thing... myspace.com/somaphobe

i dont think i talk to anyone i have met on here any longer.
I really miss "SH". I wish everything didnt have to go down the way it did.
I wonder if she ever wonders about me..?
She was a fantastic friend and a beautiful lover.. moreover a fabulous person.
I must suck pretty bad to inspire the hatred of someone like that.

Im all wrapped up in end-of-semester shit right now.
I havent been this busy in a very long time.

I have spent a very long time suffering the grayness, the boredom.. the fleeting agony, of this lifestyle of addiction.
But, it might seem, changes are afoot.

Ive put alot of thought into finally embracing recovery. and perhaps embracing life.
Odd as it may seem, the idea of sobriety and living is terrifying.
The SLOW movement into recovery is working hazardously and awkwardly.
Ive arranged it so that virtually al of my once-friends have long since left me.
Im lonely, and I am displaced in this life.
With nothing to attach to, and noone to hold or guide me.. this fight seems so futile.

Im sort of wondering what it is i am fighting for. I have already lost everything i loved. I cannot bring them back, it seems. What exactly do I have to regrow into?

Those I love have long since cast me behind, remorseless and liberated.
I see no reflection for my new, unborn soul.


I want the light again, but does it want me?

SO, i was thinking that if I lost a little weight,I might do a suicideboys set.

Then, i went and looked through them.. gross. f'ing gross.
Would i be that gross?

Should i still do this?

forever away from here..

my friend paul died a few days back. Another heroin OD.
That poison is all around me, i dont think i will ever be safe again.

Anyhow, I am considering posting some new pics around here, since those ive got up are all well over a year old.