Maybe I could be that someone that helps you be a better person than you were yesterday; maybe you could be that for me. Maybe my smile will fill the void inside; maybe your's will bring out mine. Maybe I could be the one to tell you the world isn't ending as your walls fall down all around; maybe you could help me pick the pieces of my broken heart up off the ground. I will not guide you, but I will walk aside you and as we're lost in the chaos there will be peace inside us. We can sit in the silence and not try to fill it with sound; but when you're ready to talk i'll listen to the words as they fall from you're mouth.
Idk wtf that was, but then my mind stopped. so there it is. I dont know what i am feeling. I just want someone to be closer to me. I guess i dont really know who that someone is... but there is someone in mind i suppose. Why are you hours away? shitpissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfuckerpissfartturdntwat. Now i'm better.
Idk wtf that was, but then my mind stopped. so there it is. I dont know what i am feeling. I just want someone to be closer to me. I guess i dont really know who that someone is... but there is someone in mind i suppose. Why are you hours away? shitpissfuckcuntcocksuckermotherfuckerpissfartturdntwat. Now i'm better.
Ive had so much on my mind lately. gah.
Well My brother is in my hometown until the 30th. And I am very torn as to whether I should bother going home to see him. He will be going back to Iraq for the 4th time, hence why he is home for now. I haven't talked to him in over a year and a half now. We have never been close and I don't know that he cares if he sees me or not. I was talking a my friend and she asked how would i feel if i don't see him before he leaves and he doesn't come back. I'm thinking that if i go to see him the experience probably won't be any better than the last current memory I have of him either. It does make me sad to be this disconnected from him, but it is his fault.
So I am continually discontent with my situation. I don't really know what it is that will make me happy. I continually want to move. My job is pretty good, its easy at the least and I'm provided for. My male boss is kind of getting on my nerves. Hes diagnosed as ADD and is also on antidepressants but I really just think he's Bipolar and hes been working from home, so I'm the one dealing with him. They're working through issues and eh. I'm here for it all.
And then there is you. I dont know why I think so much about you. You typically aren't even the type of person I want to be with. I am always wanting unrealistic things. its just that youre the first person to make me feel something inside since Donny.
And then there is Alex. Who I just wish would get his life together. He's my best friend and I won't ever stop loving him but we won't be together either.
And then there are some more recent folk who I just haven't had the 'spark' with.
Maybe I am codependent. I just want love. I mean its been over three months now that I've been single, which is a record for me! I've always been in serious relationships and its been great to take some time for myself. I don't even want a serious relationship per se. I just want some damn companionship. It seems like all the people that I really click with aren't realistic. Either because of age or geographical restrictions. Not that age means much to me.
I feel like I have so much to give and I find myself with people that are just total downers. I pick great men that have ONE sever character flaw that ends up being the demise of our relationship.
I just need a stable man. Mentally, physically, economically, emotionally. I don't even need someone that can take care of me; but it seems I have an issue finding a man that can provide for himself even.
Well I am living a day at a time and working on bettering myself. Ive lost a whopping 8 lbs since i moved here, and that was without exercise. Now i'm even jogging
I am still going through with my Burma event. I looked into getting a really nice banner made too, so hopefully that will be in the works soon.
Id really like to take the time to read something as well, but we will see. I am mos def going back to school in the winter though and I am stoked for that. I miss having some intellectual stimulation. Although some fine SG folks have provided me with some; probably just as equally with stupidity. Oh well.
And.... im done.
Peace in the Precincts.
Well My brother is in my hometown until the 30th. And I am very torn as to whether I should bother going home to see him. He will be going back to Iraq for the 4th time, hence why he is home for now. I haven't talked to him in over a year and a half now. We have never been close and I don't know that he cares if he sees me or not. I was talking a my friend and she asked how would i feel if i don't see him before he leaves and he doesn't come back. I'm thinking that if i go to see him the experience probably won't be any better than the last current memory I have of him either. It does make me sad to be this disconnected from him, but it is his fault.
So I am continually discontent with my situation. I don't really know what it is that will make me happy. I continually want to move. My job is pretty good, its easy at the least and I'm provided for. My male boss is kind of getting on my nerves. Hes diagnosed as ADD and is also on antidepressants but I really just think he's Bipolar and hes been working from home, so I'm the one dealing with him. They're working through issues and eh. I'm here for it all.
And then there is you. I dont know why I think so much about you. You typically aren't even the type of person I want to be with. I am always wanting unrealistic things. its just that youre the first person to make me feel something inside since Donny.
And then there is Alex. Who I just wish would get his life together. He's my best friend and I won't ever stop loving him but we won't be together either.
And then there are some more recent folk who I just haven't had the 'spark' with.
Maybe I am codependent. I just want love. I mean its been over three months now that I've been single, which is a record for me! I've always been in serious relationships and its been great to take some time for myself. I don't even want a serious relationship per se. I just want some damn companionship. It seems like all the people that I really click with aren't realistic. Either because of age or geographical restrictions. Not that age means much to me.
I feel like I have so much to give and I find myself with people that are just total downers. I pick great men that have ONE sever character flaw that ends up being the demise of our relationship.
I just need a stable man. Mentally, physically, economically, emotionally. I don't even need someone that can take care of me; but it seems I have an issue finding a man that can provide for himself even.
Well I am living a day at a time and working on bettering myself. Ive lost a whopping 8 lbs since i moved here, and that was without exercise. Now i'm even jogging
I am still going through with my Burma event. I looked into getting a really nice banner made too, so hopefully that will be in the works soon.
Id really like to take the time to read something as well, but we will see. I am mos def going back to school in the winter though and I am stoked for that. I miss having some intellectual stimulation. Although some fine SG folks have provided me with some; probably just as equally with stupidity. Oh well.
And.... im done.
Peace in the Precincts.
So I really had fun tonight. I met nifty SGSac people. and saw Toadies. The first band rocked too.
So this would be much longer if i weren't so damn tired. I have a lot on my mind. But I am hopping that I will be tired enough to just pass out.
Why do I want what isn't good for me?
Gah. I miss you.
and saw Toadies. The first band rocked too. So this would be much longer if i weren't so damn tired. I have a lot on my mind. But I am hopping that I will be tired enough to just pass out.
Why do I want what isn't good for me?
Gah. I miss you.
All I can think about lately is Burma. I can't get this country on the coast out of my mind.
I want to free Aung San Suu Kyi and liberate Burma. And I feel so small, and then I think of Aung San; an unsung hero. This is the first time in a long time that i have really been passionate about something and I think that says a lot about the situation. So here is the break down....
Aung San Suu Kyi is a nobel peace prize winner who is now being kept on house arrest under the order of Than Shwe, the Burma dictator. Aung San won through election the place as Prime Minister, but was denied the title by Than Shwe. Aung San is the only Peace Prize winner to be held captive. She is the voice of Burma. A beautiful woman with big dreams for her people. It pains me to hear of her story.
Than Shwe, dictator of Burma is leading the Junta (military), burning over 2,700 eastern Burma villages. Conducting mass rape as a weapon of war. The Junta has over 70,000 child soldiers; the more than any other military has ever had. Killing innocent women,children and buddist monks. The government has shut down communication with the outside world; disconnecting the internet, forbidding the public to have cameras and refusing medical aid from Doctors without Boarders and other like organizations that give free aid to under developed countries. Hiv/ AIDS is becoming an issue in Burma as well as many other diseases.
Years back Burma was hit by a cyclone; Than Shwe refused international aid. He wants no outsiders in. It is approximated that the cyclone left 2.5 MILLION homeless and displaced.
Some villages/ towns including the capitol now have dusk-till-dawn curfews. Than Shwe is a modern day Hitler. Than Shwe is conducting ethnic cleansing.
The UN has yet to put Burma on the formal agenda. China, an ally of Burma has used its Veto power to keep the UN out of Burma. China is supplying Than Shwe with its military power and money. Burma has agreed to sell its gas to China at a reduced price, and rejected a higher price offered from India. We must fix this! We must urge the UN to do something. We cannot let China continue to help Than Shwe facilitate his dictatorship.
There is so much more to this story than what i have time to write. But do you get a small glimpse of the picture?
Aung San Suu Kyi has called us to use our liberty to give them theirs.
So what can WE do?
Educate Ourselves. http://uscampaignforburma.org/index.php
Call the UN & Officials into action. http://www.unscburma.org/Petition.php
Organize. http://uscampaignforburma.org/take-action
Please help Burma. They need us. They need you.
I want to free Aung San Suu Kyi and liberate Burma. And I feel so small, and then I think of Aung San; an unsung hero. This is the first time in a long time that i have really been passionate about something and I think that says a lot about the situation. So here is the break down....
Aung San Suu Kyi is a nobel peace prize winner who is now being kept on house arrest under the order of Than Shwe, the Burma dictator. Aung San won through election the place as Prime Minister, but was denied the title by Than Shwe. Aung San is the only Peace Prize winner to be held captive. She is the voice of Burma. A beautiful woman with big dreams for her people. It pains me to hear of her story.
Than Shwe, dictator of Burma is leading the Junta (military), burning over 2,700 eastern Burma villages. Conducting mass rape as a weapon of war. The Junta has over 70,000 child soldiers; the more than any other military has ever had. Killing innocent women,children and buddist monks. The government has shut down communication with the outside world; disconnecting the internet, forbidding the public to have cameras and refusing medical aid from Doctors without Boarders and other like organizations that give free aid to under developed countries. Hiv/ AIDS is becoming an issue in Burma as well as many other diseases.
Years back Burma was hit by a cyclone; Than Shwe refused international aid. He wants no outsiders in. It is approximated that the cyclone left 2.5 MILLION homeless and displaced.
Some villages/ towns including the capitol now have dusk-till-dawn curfews. Than Shwe is a modern day Hitler. Than Shwe is conducting ethnic cleansing.
The UN has yet to put Burma on the formal agenda. China, an ally of Burma has used its Veto power to keep the UN out of Burma. China is supplying Than Shwe with its military power and money. Burma has agreed to sell its gas to China at a reduced price, and rejected a higher price offered from India. We must fix this! We must urge the UN to do something. We cannot let China continue to help Than Shwe facilitate his dictatorship.
There is so much more to this story than what i have time to write. But do you get a small glimpse of the picture?
Aung San Suu Kyi has called us to use our liberty to give them theirs.
So what can WE do?
Educate Ourselves. http://uscampaignforburma.org/index.php
Call the UN & Officials into action. http://www.unscburma.org/Petition.php
Organize. http://uscampaignforburma.org/take-action
Please help Burma. They need us. They need you.
The Burial
I had been to the cemetery several times by the time I was thirteen, mostly with all the wrong intentions. My friends and I would sneak in at night, sometimes just to hang out and feel the rush of being in a mysterious place all alone, knowing we weren't supposed to. I was always drawn to the cemetery and its mystical surroundings, and was fascinated by death and the afterlife. It was unbeknown to me that I would soon be confronting my first experience of death and that my view of the cemetery would be changed forever. The death was my fathers. He was the unsuspecting victim of a murder. The memories of my fathers bruised, swollen and distorted face and fresh and vividly imprinted in my mind. A lot of the time surrounding my father's death is blurred with small fragments of time that stand out like a lightening bolt striking in the pitch-blackness of night.
What I remember most about my father is his laughter. As far as my father's memorial service goes, I don't remember much of the mushy things said about him, but instead I remember the funny stories, and the stories that told of my father's compassion and generosity. There is one thing that I do remember in its entirety about the day of my father's funeral and that is the burial of my father.
The burial of my father was directly after the memorial service and no one outside of blood relation was invited except for my father's girlfriend and best friend, which made the assembly a small eleven including the pastor. I recall driving up to the burial site and stepping out of our vehicle into the warmth of June. Images flashed through my head of me and my friends at that exact same cemetery, my father laying unconscious on the floor, myself fleeing from my father's bar, to me kissing my father's hand before laying it back down to the hospital bed where he would die. I was overwhelmed with emotions and once again had the desire to flee, as I did with all the things I didn't know how to handle.
Instead, I stood there frozen like a deer caught in headlights. I began surveying the scenery almost as if I was approving the place in which my father was to be buried. I felt like I had been standing there for centuries before the pastor began to speak. I don't really remember much of what the pastor said because I was focusing on the small hole in the ground, in which my father's cremated body was to be placed. The darkness and depth of the hole seemed so dooming and I remember the small, rectangular, golden box that held the remains of my father. After the box was set into its hole each of us at the burial threw a small handful of dirt onto the box and said our final goodbyes.
It was there in that moment with unfeigned tears, the most true and powerful tears that one could have, that I realized my father was gone. Nothing I could do would be able to change the past or bring my father back. It was there in that cemetery, after putting my father's body to rest that I began a new chapter in my life, one that didn't include my beloved daddy.
I had been to the cemetery several times by the time I was thirteen, mostly with all the wrong intentions. My friends and I would sneak in at night, sometimes just to hang out and feel the rush of being in a mysterious place all alone, knowing we weren't supposed to. I was always drawn to the cemetery and its mystical surroundings, and was fascinated by death and the afterlife. It was unbeknown to me that I would soon be confronting my first experience of death and that my view of the cemetery would be changed forever. The death was my fathers. He was the unsuspecting victim of a murder. The memories of my fathers bruised, swollen and distorted face and fresh and vividly imprinted in my mind. A lot of the time surrounding my father's death is blurred with small fragments of time that stand out like a lightening bolt striking in the pitch-blackness of night.
What I remember most about my father is his laughter. As far as my father's memorial service goes, I don't remember much of the mushy things said about him, but instead I remember the funny stories, and the stories that told of my father's compassion and generosity. There is one thing that I do remember in its entirety about the day of my father's funeral and that is the burial of my father.
The burial of my father was directly after the memorial service and no one outside of blood relation was invited except for my father's girlfriend and best friend, which made the assembly a small eleven including the pastor. I recall driving up to the burial site and stepping out of our vehicle into the warmth of June. Images flashed through my head of me and my friends at that exact same cemetery, my father laying unconscious on the floor, myself fleeing from my father's bar, to me kissing my father's hand before laying it back down to the hospital bed where he would die. I was overwhelmed with emotions and once again had the desire to flee, as I did with all the things I didn't know how to handle.
Instead, I stood there frozen like a deer caught in headlights. I began surveying the scenery almost as if I was approving the place in which my father was to be buried. I felt like I had been standing there for centuries before the pastor began to speak. I don't really remember much of what the pastor said because I was focusing on the small hole in the ground, in which my father's cremated body was to be placed. The darkness and depth of the hole seemed so dooming and I remember the small, rectangular, golden box that held the remains of my father. After the box was set into its hole each of us at the burial threw a small handful of dirt onto the box and said our final goodbyes.
It was there in that moment with unfeigned tears, the most true and powerful tears that one could have, that I realized my father was gone. Nothing I could do would be able to change the past or bring my father back. It was there in that cemetery, after putting my father's body to rest that I began a new chapter in my life, one that didn't include my beloved daddy.
I was laying in bed last night and couldn't get this damn song out of my head..
I had a good last few days.
I am lonlier than I'd like to admit.
I am more emo than I lead on. I find it pathetic.
Man, I need to write blogs more often because here I am with so much to say, not enough time and unsure of where to start.
I am so overwhelmed. A few days before I moved to Illinois I had honestly contemplated calling Donny and telling him I couldn't do the move and running straight back to Alex. I sat many a times, phone in hand telling myself I was crazy for even considering moving. But now even through the hardships and failed relationship I am still glad I went through with it. The last 8 months have really been a learning experience for me.
Leaving Alex was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn't just leave, I gave back everything he had ever given me, all photos of us, gifts, items related to memories of us. The ring he gave me. Gone. I did what I could to expunge him from my life and sat crying hysterically in my car parked infront of his house. That was the worse drive back to my apartment in Sacramento and some of the worse following weeks of my life.
But Donny was there and my support. So a month after visiting him in December I moved to Illinois to be with him. I left everything I knew behind. I broke my lease at my apartment complex, I borrowed 1500 dollars from my uncle, I left my roommates, my friends, my family, the most rewarding job I have ever had and life as I knew it. This was all for a man that I realize now I really did not know. He was 28 with two kids, christian and working for Expo. He lived at home with his parents in the downstairs apartment. The plan was that I would move there and live with him for a month or so and then get my own place. Its funny how things just never work out as planned.
We had a good trip driving from CA to IL. One night sticks out in my memory thought. It was Flagstaff Arizona... of all places this is where we got snowed in at! So we made the best of it, got a hotel room and went by JoAnns for some yarn and got what ended up being very unsatisfying mexican food. (Oh yeah, and we had some wine that I didn't really care for). But that night laying on our hotel room bed Donny brought up the issue of my independence. He felt like I didn't rely on him and that I was too Independent. He didn't care for that fact that I didn't need him. To this day I still stick to my viewpoint; I do not ever need a man. The point of a relationship is companionship and mutual caring and understanding. I can not depend on a man for my happiness, or any other relationship for that matter. Now that he and I haven't worked out I have thought much of this conversation. I see its relevance throughout the entirety of our relationship together.
So after three days we got to Illinois. not such a bad drive at all, we saw some good sights and had quite an enjoyable time.
Then life began with him. He went back to work two days later and I spent my first weekend with the boys. These were two of the cutest blond boys I had ever seen. I was falling in love immediately. It was a good first week and I started looking for a job the second week I was there. By the third week I was Assistant Manager of a young girls clothing store called Justice. Things were going great for the most part. I missed home a lot and Donny knew it; I am no good at hiding such things. But the next week things got even worse... It was the first time I caught him. He had gone to work and I was home alone. I to this day do not know why I did it but I decided to look through some of the stuff on his computer. It hadn't occured to me not to trust him, and I have never attempted or ever distrusted Alex, so there wasn't really a reason for me to snoop besides curiosity I suppose. Well, lo and behold I found some conversations he had been holding with women prior to me moving to IL but while he and I were together. To say the least I flipped. I was hysterical and I cried and I called him at work, very upset. I got over it by the end of the night and dismissed it as not being overly terrible considering I wasn't living there and perhaps he didn't know if I would really make the move or not. But ensued were some computer stipulations. He no longer has access to any instant messenger via computer or phone.
So life moved on and I was working full time, spending Wednesdays with Donny and the weekend with the kids and Donnys parents. We were very close, we did everything together, we were often out and about together. Things were pretty good but I still had times of loneliness; missing home and having friends around. But I focused my life on being with Donny.
Then it happened a second time.
She was an older woman from VA. I found out about her through Donnys email. I spoke to the woman online and she had no idea about me. She told me many things Donny has said to her, things I myself had heard from him too. Some of the same lines and affections. I was crushed. I was at a lost. He offered to help me move back to CA if that was what I wanted, but at the time my car wasn't working (nearly $800 dollars later found out I needed an axel replaced), and I didn't really want to move back to CA. I wanted to be with Donny, I wanted things to work or at the least I didn't want to have to come home and admit to things failing. So I stayed. Now I had access to everything of his. We changed all of our passwords to a mutual password and used it for everything. It was at this point that I no longer had an ounce of trust with him. It was just the day or two before that he told me I needed to start trusting him again; how untrue.
Then came my jealousy of a girl I will name as Ann, for the sake of anonymity. Ann was a long time friend of Donny, from what I new they met in mexico during a mission trip and became very good friends, writing eachother frequently. Although she was married with a child and another on the way, this did nothing to sooth my concerns. I had never thought much of their relationship until after this second time catching Donny. In which case all women became a concern to me. I knew he cared about her and atleast one point in time wanted to be with her. I was very uncomfortable with their relationship...mostly due to the exchanges of "I love you's" and "i miss you's" often follwed by "i really do". This became one of the biggest contingencies in my relationship with Donny. To be honest I was becoming very overbearing and driving myself nuts. I was so frustrated. I hated how paranoid I was, how much I snooped, I hated wondering who it was that was texting him, what he was doing online.. I hated worrying. I hated that he was the one who screwed up but I was the one suffering so much. It finally all came out during one of our evening walks we were taking and he pushed the subject and I exploded. Well, eventually I got over the issue of Ann. She and I exchanged a few emails and its not that I ever didn't like her. I just felt like Donny was all I had, and even through it all he was MY bestfriend. I hated that she called him her bestfriend. I hated how much she went to him for things and I know sometimes he reciprocated and sometimes he didn't but if another woman is relying on the man I am with for support then where am I going to get my support from?
I knew he cared about her but then there were plenty of things he said that I wish she could have heard.
She has two beautiful children and in many ways I can see her and I being much alike. Go figure.
So, on with my adventure. Donny and I were pretty good for another few months. Working a lot and my schedule varied a lot from his so many times I was home in the morning while he was at work and he was home in the evening while I was at work. But we were still doing okay and going out on our day off together. We had some good memories.. much spent bumming the mall but as long as we were together I don't think it mattered much to either of us what we were doing. But then there was Valentines day, and our trip to Chicago, our evenings scrapbooking and our MANY trips to Dennys late in the night/early morning.
I liked our routine. I liked coming home to him. I loved his children. I was mommy and I liked the feeling. But children definently can put stress on a relationship and it was a hard thing for me. I wasn't their mother and I often disagreed with the way Donny handled the kids but had a hard time voicing myself. Eventually I stopped and just let it go. He got better in some ways, especially with his temper.
Looking back now though, I guess I did have some times of mild depression and I think he did as well. Well, to be honest it got to the point where one day on our day off together I just remember thinking the whole day , "I just don't care". I can't even tell you what that was directed at. I guess I just meant about life in general. I had no more opinion. I had no room to myself. I lived life in my routine and I no longer cared. I was so frustrated by many things.
Well the third time came. It was simple, I found that he spent a Sunday and Monday talking to about 30 women online. Going through the conversations was appalling. I was looking at times and I was just thinking to myself "hmm while you are here talking to this woman about sex you were also on the phone with me. I was on break at work". He spoke to a woman about cheating on her husband and how he had cheated on his wife early in their marriage and if she would want to cheat on him again... it goes on and on. I am sure that in time he would have acted it out. I was sick to my stomach. This was different than the other times; this was an indescribable feeling. I felt so insignificant. This was the time that I finally told his mom what had been going on in my relationship with Donny. She supported me and we both talked to him. I told him that for me to even consider staying that he needed to meet with a pastor, a counselor and join a support group of sorts. His mother agreed to that as well, that he needed to do that to be living in her house. It made everything he ever told me seem so trite. False words fell from his mouth and I took in every single one. We had planned on getting married in August.
I don't know that I had ever felt more alone during these times. I was very angry and I told him how much I hated him everyday. I did not make things easy. I do see my folly but I don't think he even had a comprehension of my pain.
So on top of this my Grandma was in the hospital. It didn't look so good. So I took the opportunity to go home and see her and get away from Donny for a bit. On my second day home in CA I decided I wanted to stay with Donny despite it all. I was committed. I wanted to work through things with him. So, I told him this and I told him I was looking for a place for me to move into and that I wanted us to have our space and try to work things out.
Well, i checked his gmail account again. And here is number four.
Agonyandirony_a3.
That is the SN he opened behind my back. There were a few girls on it and I called his mother before I called him to see if she had allowed him to open a new account. (See after the third time there were passwords on all the computers in the house and he had to have some one around for him to be online). Well, she had no idea about the account. So I called him and he wouldn't answer. I called his moms phone again where Donny answers and the first thing to come out of his mouth is "what are you talking about?! What account?!"
It was simple. The one you opened on may 27th. I know your sn, your password the girls on it. And all he could say was "oh yea. you're right".
Well of course I was right, I wasn't going to accuse him without proof of sorts. So I told him then and there that I no longer wanted to be with him but he needed to pick me up from the airport and that I would need to live with him a bit longer after I got back to Illinois.
I hung up and didn't cry. I laughed.
I called Richard, we got baskin robbins and I feel asleep on his couch. I enjoyed my time back in CA. I saw Alex again. And then I flew back to IL.
Seeing Donny again was the first time I cried. Then I cried most of the next nine days that I lived with him.
Well the days passed and it was 4 am on June 9th. I woke up, got ready, packed up the rest of my car and was ready for my 32 hour drive back to Merced CA. I was moving home. My real home. So I woke Donny up before I left...I wanted to stay. I wanted it all to go away, I wanted him to not let me go. We hugged and kissed, I got into my car as the tears came rolling down my face. I drove off as he stood there in the drive way of what I had called home for the last 4 months.
I got to 7-11 and wiped my tears. Sucked it up and bought my coffee.
I have not cried since. I will not cry again, he will never have another tear from me.
I love him to this day. I think of him nearly daily. I want the best for him. We no longer talk.
I am two faced he says, which perhaps from his point of view is true. I just wish he would admit to me that he doesn't want help with his addiction. He sneaks online and is still chatting with women.Unfortunately his parents arent as computer savvy and don't know how to really prevent him from getting access. But he is 28, he must want to change. I don't know if he does. According to our conversations I would conclude he doesn't. But then he writes these Blogs...like a Christian on fire for God. But he is online daily. It is like an alcoholic sitting in a bar during happy hour.
And here is some of what Donny writes... :
"The last relationship I was in was one of the better ones. Not because she was a wonderful girl or anything like that. We got along great for the most part. Well sort of. This relationship, like many others, were at its best in bed. Other than that we had some issues. That would actually be one of them. Trust and faith are some others. Yes, I loved her, or lusted for her at least.
You see, lust is the biggest downfall of me. I am addicted to it. Pornography, cybersex, sex, and just impure thoughts are all a huge factor in my life. They have actually played a factor in defining who I am. Or who I was, at least. Cybersex being the worst of them along with impure thoughts.
This is actually what ended my last relationship. She caught me four times. Not in the process, usually within 24 hours while going through my laptop. After the fourth time she had had enough. I can't say that I blame her either. And this moment became one of the single greatest moments in my life. Huh?
Yes I did say that. Because of this moment it brought to light a sever addiction that I have. Something I was able to hid and sweep under the carpet for years. Sure there were people that knew I occasionally looked at porn but no one knew it was what it was.
.................
As a result of everything, I realized that my life sucks! It really did. I have two kids that I really didn't want to spend time with, a family that I could care less about and a girlfriend that I would cheat on with girls that weren't even in my bed. Yeah, my life sucked big."
But he is still on just about daily. hmm. I just don't know. I hope he is honestly seeking help. He needs support.
Oh well atleast he said I was good in bed.
I love life, I do. I love the ups and downs and its a learning experience every day. But! I need to get my butt up and going cause I have a job interview... I will continue this later. And man, if you actually read all this, kudos to you! Thanks for taking an interest.
I am so overwhelmed. A few days before I moved to Illinois I had honestly contemplated calling Donny and telling him I couldn't do the move and running straight back to Alex. I sat many a times, phone in hand telling myself I was crazy for even considering moving. But now even through the hardships and failed relationship I am still glad I went through with it. The last 8 months have really been a learning experience for me.
Leaving Alex was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I didn't just leave, I gave back everything he had ever given me, all photos of us, gifts, items related to memories of us. The ring he gave me. Gone. I did what I could to expunge him from my life and sat crying hysterically in my car parked infront of his house. That was the worse drive back to my apartment in Sacramento and some of the worse following weeks of my life.
But Donny was there and my support. So a month after visiting him in December I moved to Illinois to be with him. I left everything I knew behind. I broke my lease at my apartment complex, I borrowed 1500 dollars from my uncle, I left my roommates, my friends, my family, the most rewarding job I have ever had and life as I knew it. This was all for a man that I realize now I really did not know. He was 28 with two kids, christian and working for Expo. He lived at home with his parents in the downstairs apartment. The plan was that I would move there and live with him for a month or so and then get my own place. Its funny how things just never work out as planned.
We had a good trip driving from CA to IL. One night sticks out in my memory thought. It was Flagstaff Arizona... of all places this is where we got snowed in at! So we made the best of it, got a hotel room and went by JoAnns for some yarn and got what ended up being very unsatisfying mexican food. (Oh yeah, and we had some wine that I didn't really care for). But that night laying on our hotel room bed Donny brought up the issue of my independence. He felt like I didn't rely on him and that I was too Independent. He didn't care for that fact that I didn't need him. To this day I still stick to my viewpoint; I do not ever need a man. The point of a relationship is companionship and mutual caring and understanding. I can not depend on a man for my happiness, or any other relationship for that matter. Now that he and I haven't worked out I have thought much of this conversation. I see its relevance throughout the entirety of our relationship together.
So after three days we got to Illinois. not such a bad drive at all, we saw some good sights and had quite an enjoyable time.
Then life began with him. He went back to work two days later and I spent my first weekend with the boys. These were two of the cutest blond boys I had ever seen. I was falling in love immediately. It was a good first week and I started looking for a job the second week I was there. By the third week I was Assistant Manager of a young girls clothing store called Justice. Things were going great for the most part. I missed home a lot and Donny knew it; I am no good at hiding such things. But the next week things got even worse... It was the first time I caught him. He had gone to work and I was home alone. I to this day do not know why I did it but I decided to look through some of the stuff on his computer. It hadn't occured to me not to trust him, and I have never attempted or ever distrusted Alex, so there wasn't really a reason for me to snoop besides curiosity I suppose. Well, lo and behold I found some conversations he had been holding with women prior to me moving to IL but while he and I were together. To say the least I flipped. I was hysterical and I cried and I called him at work, very upset. I got over it by the end of the night and dismissed it as not being overly terrible considering I wasn't living there and perhaps he didn't know if I would really make the move or not. But ensued were some computer stipulations. He no longer has access to any instant messenger via computer or phone.
So life moved on and I was working full time, spending Wednesdays with Donny and the weekend with the kids and Donnys parents. We were very close, we did everything together, we were often out and about together. Things were pretty good but I still had times of loneliness; missing home and having friends around. But I focused my life on being with Donny.
Then it happened a second time.
She was an older woman from VA. I found out about her through Donnys email. I spoke to the woman online and she had no idea about me. She told me many things Donny has said to her, things I myself had heard from him too. Some of the same lines and affections. I was crushed. I was at a lost. He offered to help me move back to CA if that was what I wanted, but at the time my car wasn't working (nearly $800 dollars later found out I needed an axel replaced), and I didn't really want to move back to CA. I wanted to be with Donny, I wanted things to work or at the least I didn't want to have to come home and admit to things failing. So I stayed. Now I had access to everything of his. We changed all of our passwords to a mutual password and used it for everything. It was at this point that I no longer had an ounce of trust with him. It was just the day or two before that he told me I needed to start trusting him again; how untrue.
Then came my jealousy of a girl I will name as Ann, for the sake of anonymity. Ann was a long time friend of Donny, from what I new they met in mexico during a mission trip and became very good friends, writing eachother frequently. Although she was married with a child and another on the way, this did nothing to sooth my concerns. I had never thought much of their relationship until after this second time catching Donny. In which case all women became a concern to me. I knew he cared about her and atleast one point in time wanted to be with her. I was very uncomfortable with their relationship...mostly due to the exchanges of "I love you's" and "i miss you's" often follwed by "i really do". This became one of the biggest contingencies in my relationship with Donny. To be honest I was becoming very overbearing and driving myself nuts. I was so frustrated. I hated how paranoid I was, how much I snooped, I hated wondering who it was that was texting him, what he was doing online.. I hated worrying. I hated that he was the one who screwed up but I was the one suffering so much. It finally all came out during one of our evening walks we were taking and he pushed the subject and I exploded. Well, eventually I got over the issue of Ann. She and I exchanged a few emails and its not that I ever didn't like her. I just felt like Donny was all I had, and even through it all he was MY bestfriend. I hated that she called him her bestfriend. I hated how much she went to him for things and I know sometimes he reciprocated and sometimes he didn't but if another woman is relying on the man I am with for support then where am I going to get my support from?
I knew he cared about her but then there were plenty of things he said that I wish she could have heard.
She has two beautiful children and in many ways I can see her and I being much alike. Go figure.
So, on with my adventure. Donny and I were pretty good for another few months. Working a lot and my schedule varied a lot from his so many times I was home in the morning while he was at work and he was home in the evening while I was at work. But we were still doing okay and going out on our day off together. We had some good memories.. much spent bumming the mall but as long as we were together I don't think it mattered much to either of us what we were doing. But then there was Valentines day, and our trip to Chicago, our evenings scrapbooking and our MANY trips to Dennys late in the night/early morning.
I liked our routine. I liked coming home to him. I loved his children. I was mommy and I liked the feeling. But children definently can put stress on a relationship and it was a hard thing for me. I wasn't their mother and I often disagreed with the way Donny handled the kids but had a hard time voicing myself. Eventually I stopped and just let it go. He got better in some ways, especially with his temper.
Looking back now though, I guess I did have some times of mild depression and I think he did as well. Well, to be honest it got to the point where one day on our day off together I just remember thinking the whole day , "I just don't care". I can't even tell you what that was directed at. I guess I just meant about life in general. I had no more opinion. I had no room to myself. I lived life in my routine and I no longer cared. I was so frustrated by many things.
Well the third time came. It was simple, I found that he spent a Sunday and Monday talking to about 30 women online. Going through the conversations was appalling. I was looking at times and I was just thinking to myself "hmm while you are here talking to this woman about sex you were also on the phone with me. I was on break at work". He spoke to a woman about cheating on her husband and how he had cheated on his wife early in their marriage and if she would want to cheat on him again... it goes on and on. I am sure that in time he would have acted it out. I was sick to my stomach. This was different than the other times; this was an indescribable feeling. I felt so insignificant. This was the time that I finally told his mom what had been going on in my relationship with Donny. She supported me and we both talked to him. I told him that for me to even consider staying that he needed to meet with a pastor, a counselor and join a support group of sorts. His mother agreed to that as well, that he needed to do that to be living in her house. It made everything he ever told me seem so trite. False words fell from his mouth and I took in every single one. We had planned on getting married in August.
I don't know that I had ever felt more alone during these times. I was very angry and I told him how much I hated him everyday. I did not make things easy. I do see my folly but I don't think he even had a comprehension of my pain.
So on top of this my Grandma was in the hospital. It didn't look so good. So I took the opportunity to go home and see her and get away from Donny for a bit. On my second day home in CA I decided I wanted to stay with Donny despite it all. I was committed. I wanted to work through things with him. So, I told him this and I told him I was looking for a place for me to move into and that I wanted us to have our space and try to work things out.
Well, i checked his gmail account again. And here is number four.
Agonyandirony_a3.
That is the SN he opened behind my back. There were a few girls on it and I called his mother before I called him to see if she had allowed him to open a new account. (See after the third time there were passwords on all the computers in the house and he had to have some one around for him to be online). Well, she had no idea about the account. So I called him and he wouldn't answer. I called his moms phone again where Donny answers and the first thing to come out of his mouth is "what are you talking about?! What account?!"
It was simple. The one you opened on may 27th. I know your sn, your password the girls on it. And all he could say was "oh yea. you're right".
Well of course I was right, I wasn't going to accuse him without proof of sorts. So I told him then and there that I no longer wanted to be with him but he needed to pick me up from the airport and that I would need to live with him a bit longer after I got back to Illinois.
I hung up and didn't cry. I laughed.
I called Richard, we got baskin robbins and I feel asleep on his couch. I enjoyed my time back in CA. I saw Alex again. And then I flew back to IL.
Seeing Donny again was the first time I cried. Then I cried most of the next nine days that I lived with him.
Well the days passed and it was 4 am on June 9th. I woke up, got ready, packed up the rest of my car and was ready for my 32 hour drive back to Merced CA. I was moving home. My real home. So I woke Donny up before I left...I wanted to stay. I wanted it all to go away, I wanted him to not let me go. We hugged and kissed, I got into my car as the tears came rolling down my face. I drove off as he stood there in the drive way of what I had called home for the last 4 months.
I got to 7-11 and wiped my tears. Sucked it up and bought my coffee.
I have not cried since. I will not cry again, he will never have another tear from me.
I love him to this day. I think of him nearly daily. I want the best for him. We no longer talk.
I am two faced he says, which perhaps from his point of view is true. I just wish he would admit to me that he doesn't want help with his addiction. He sneaks online and is still chatting with women.Unfortunately his parents arent as computer savvy and don't know how to really prevent him from getting access. But he is 28, he must want to change. I don't know if he does. According to our conversations I would conclude he doesn't. But then he writes these Blogs...like a Christian on fire for God. But he is online daily. It is like an alcoholic sitting in a bar during happy hour.
And here is some of what Donny writes... :
"The last relationship I was in was one of the better ones. Not because she was a wonderful girl or anything like that. We got along great for the most part. Well sort of. This relationship, like many others, were at its best in bed. Other than that we had some issues. That would actually be one of them. Trust and faith are some others. Yes, I loved her, or lusted for her at least.
You see, lust is the biggest downfall of me. I am addicted to it. Pornography, cybersex, sex, and just impure thoughts are all a huge factor in my life. They have actually played a factor in defining who I am. Or who I was, at least. Cybersex being the worst of them along with impure thoughts.
This is actually what ended my last relationship. She caught me four times. Not in the process, usually within 24 hours while going through my laptop. After the fourth time she had had enough. I can't say that I blame her either. And this moment became one of the single greatest moments in my life. Huh?
Yes I did say that. Because of this moment it brought to light a sever addiction that I have. Something I was able to hid and sweep under the carpet for years. Sure there were people that knew I occasionally looked at porn but no one knew it was what it was.
.................
As a result of everything, I realized that my life sucks! It really did. I have two kids that I really didn't want to spend time with, a family that I could care less about and a girlfriend that I would cheat on with girls that weren't even in my bed. Yeah, my life sucked big."
But he is still on just about daily. hmm. I just don't know. I hope he is honestly seeking help. He needs support.
Oh well atleast he said I was good in bed.
I love life, I do. I love the ups and downs and its a learning experience every day. But! I need to get my butt up and going cause I have a job interview... I will continue this later. And man, if you actually read all this, kudos to you! Thanks for taking an interest.
"Well of course it'll be fine, you know you two are eventually going to get married, right?" -Jamie
"I admire you, you're a much stronger person than I am; I could never leave..." - Emily
I wanted the first quote to be true, so bad, and when I agreed I felt the conviction knowing it wasn't true.
I wanted the second one to be true as well but I am still feeling so uncertain.
I feel bad because I want to think that I am so sure that I have made the right decision, and sometimes I even feel so confident that I have. And then this afternoon I had the most overwhelming feeling that what I did was wrong and I'm throwing away something i'll never have again.
I know that regardless of whether I acted rashly or not, I know that over all things will work out. I feel bad because I do not want to be putting anyone through unnecessary pain, and I hate that I am so uncertain of things at the moment. I do love Alex and I do love Donny. I just don't know what I am doing... I just need both of them to give me time. Although I know Alex won't take me back right now at least, and Donny would take me in a heartbeat.
"I admire you, you're a much stronger person than I am; I could never leave..." - Emily
I wanted the first quote to be true, so bad, and when I agreed I felt the conviction knowing it wasn't true.
I wanted the second one to be true as well but I am still feeling so uncertain.
I feel bad because I want to think that I am so sure that I have made the right decision, and sometimes I even feel so confident that I have. And then this afternoon I had the most overwhelming feeling that what I did was wrong and I'm throwing away something i'll never have again.
I know that regardless of whether I acted rashly or not, I know that over all things will work out. I feel bad because I do not want to be putting anyone through unnecessary pain, and I hate that I am so uncertain of things at the moment. I do love Alex and I do love Donny. I just don't know what I am doing... I just need both of them to give me time. Although I know Alex won't take me back right now at least, and Donny would take me in a heartbeat.
. 1
I've tried to capsulize a feeling
I've wished the time would stop
Beautiful Creature leaves me
Devestated
He leaves me every time
Wanting something more from this
Life that's overrated
Leaves me with a feeling of
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
Down into the depths of what i've become
Soon somethings got to give
Because i've been giving this my all
Soon somethings got to give
Because i'm begining to
f
a
l
l
..2
Intriguing walks into my life
And although I hardly know him
There is only but one place for him
And that's inside my heart
But at night
He slips away
Deep inside my dreams
So that I might learn to know him...
.. 3
You look lovely under the lamp post
The way it casts it's shadow across your face
Late at night when it's just you, holding me tight
I love the way that you look golden;
With twinkling stars inside your eyes
And the way you cup your hands around my face
For our final kiss goodnight
*Maven*
I've tried to capsulize a feeling
I've wished the time would stop
Beautiful Creature leaves me
Devestated
He leaves me every time
Wanting something more from this
Life that's overrated
Leaves me with a feeling of
f
a
l
l
i
n
g
Down into the depths of what i've become
Soon somethings got to give
Because i've been giving this my all
Soon somethings got to give
Because i'm begining to
f
a
l
l
..2
Intriguing walks into my life
And although I hardly know him
There is only but one place for him
And that's inside my heart
But at night
He slips away
Deep inside my dreams
So that I might learn to know him...
.. 3
You look lovely under the lamp post
The way it casts it's shadow across your face
Late at night when it's just you, holding me tight
I love the way that you look golden;
With twinkling stars inside your eyes
And the way you cup your hands around my face
For our final kiss goodnight
*Maven*
Keeping Secrets
You've been keeping secrets
When there was no reason to lie
They burn deep inside of you
And you can't find a place to hide
Yes, ive been keeping secrets
And i can't find the reason why
I've been searching deep and wide
And everytime i come up dry
We keep keeping secrets
And these secrets tell it all
We keep keeping secrets
But these walls have begun to fall
Silent Nights
Silent nights are nothing new
I've spent them all with you
Laying side my side
I feel so used
These silent nights are nothing new
Randomness
One life
One love
One soul
One heart
...There's only one you and me
These Tears
These tears won't bring you back
This pain i put myself through
Won't bring me happiness
Where are you tonight?
Are you sleeping soundly?
Are you wrapped up in her arms?
I remember the rising and falling of your chest
And the sound and flow of you'r breath
You were breathing life into me
I will try not to make this hard
Tonight is not the time nor place
Not were there ever was
But when there is, we'll know
I just want all of you'r love tonight...
Counterfeit
How counterfeit this all seems
When you're there and i'm here
I know you love her
Kiss and touch her
I know you say those words
The looks you send her way
How I hurt inside
But you don't have to say a thing
Beacuse I know
...Lets just leave it at I know
*Maven*
You've been keeping secrets
When there was no reason to lie
They burn deep inside of you
And you can't find a place to hide
Yes, ive been keeping secrets
And i can't find the reason why
I've been searching deep and wide
And everytime i come up dry
We keep keeping secrets
And these secrets tell it all
We keep keeping secrets
But these walls have begun to fall
Silent Nights
Silent nights are nothing new
I've spent them all with you
Laying side my side
I feel so used
These silent nights are nothing new
Randomness
One life
One love
One soul
One heart
...There's only one you and me
These Tears
These tears won't bring you back
This pain i put myself through
Won't bring me happiness
Where are you tonight?
Are you sleeping soundly?
Are you wrapped up in her arms?
I remember the rising and falling of your chest
And the sound and flow of you'r breath
You were breathing life into me
I will try not to make this hard
Tonight is not the time nor place
Not were there ever was
But when there is, we'll know
I just want all of you'r love tonight...
Counterfeit
How counterfeit this all seems
When you're there and i'm here
I know you love her
Kiss and touch her
I know you say those words
The looks you send her way
How I hurt inside
But you don't have to say a thing
Beacuse I know
...Lets just leave it at I know
*Maven*
