This is the song that I think perfectly sums up the relationship between me and my mother:
Do I stress you out?
My sweater is on backwards and inside out,
And you say how appropriate.
I don't want to dissect everything today,
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it.
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off,
Slap me with a splintered ruler.
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already,
If only I could hunt the hunter.
And all I really want is some patience,
A way to calm the angry voice.
And all I really want is deliverance on high.
Do I wear you out?
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out,
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary.
I'm like Estella,
I like to reel it in and then spit it out,
I'm frustrated by your apathy.
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land,
If only I could meet the Maker.
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man,
I am humbled by his humble nature.
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate,
Someone else to catch this drift...
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred on high...
Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines,
Or when you think you're gonna die?
Or did you long for the next distraction?
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse,
A soul to dig the hole much deeper.
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying,
If only I could kill the killer.
All I really want is some peace man,
A place to find a common ground.
And all I really want is a wavelength on high...
All I really want is some comfort,
A way to get my hands untied.
And all I really want is some justice, on high...
I think I would be a much more secure person if I had someone, ever, that was strong enough for me to lean on once in a while.
p.s. you have no idea how true the statements in bold are. She's always talking about her own death and looking for a new distraction. What healthy 38 year old makes talking aout there death a regular conversation piece?
APR 27, 2005 06:31 PM
Alanis rules!!! 
I always look to her in times of crisis! Personally, my favorite is You Learn. It's so hopeful. 
Hang in there. Relationships with your parents can be challenging. Just remember, one day you'll be changing her diapers. Talk about a total 180. 
APR 27, 2005 07:59 PM
APR 27, 2005 10:52 PM
Thanks. I feel really old now. 38 is not that old. You will find, as you grow older that you are very much like your mother. And, of course, it's going to piss you off. But, you'll eventually appreciate it.
Here's a little something for you MaryBee:
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart
On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Source: Daughters - John Mayer
That one makes me cry every time. It puts everything into perspective.
Give yourself a break. You don't have to be perfect. Appreciate life as it is, right now. You don't have to have everything figured out. There's enough time for that. Enjoy what you have for now. If it's not enough, go out there and find what you need.
Security is an illusion. But, if it makes you feel any better, you have plenty of friends who are here to lean on when you need us. Life is not easy but your friends can help carry the load.
APR 28, 2005 11:19 AM
Looks like things are taking a turn for the better at your 'Do you think this could work...' thread.
APR 28, 2005 12:03 PM
You stress me out! 
I sent you an e-mail earlier today.
APR 28, 2005 12:49 PM
I thought I saw you as gray yesterday. I was like, 
where's MaryBee?
APR 28, 2005 02:28 PM
APR 28, 2005 05:27 PM
APR 29, 2005 12:43 AM
APR 29, 2005 01:17 AM
APR 29, 2005 03:02 PM
APR 29, 2005 03:56 PM
APR 29, 2005 06:18 PM
Wow, I had a an ok day for once. I don't know about tomorrow though. Coachella Fest. is this weekend and I got my tickets. You should be out here to enjoy it this weekend. I miss you but I will see you in a month. So Yay.
APR 29, 2005 10:01 PM
Wow... I had no idea, about the flower remnants at neanderthal graves... that fucking blows my mind.. I suppose emotions are natural and not something we developed out of luxury... but something we can't HELP but have.. which really gives me hope.. I kinda want to cry now, because I actually have spent a good portion of my time believing that a lot of displayed affection is just a social device... but now, hearing that neanderthals were tender to those they cared about, which obviously had nothing to do with climbing up some kind of social strata, considering cavemen had no class system to be climbed by false emotion... I dunno.. maybe love does exist then.. aw I'm happy now, fuck
xip
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