I ran into an old flame from my past. Someone with whom I have an amazing past with. When I saw him it was magic. We couldn't stop looking into each others eyes. Talking, laughing, holding hands. We were hanging out at a bar and then we went back to my house to watch a movie. I don't know who started the kissing but it felt amazing. After almost four years, this man still knows exactly where to touch me, how to kiss me - how to do everything to make me feel good, physically and emotionally. He still knows exactly what to say to make me weak in the knees. And after all this time, we still love each other. I gave up a great girlfriend and a boy toy just to be with him. I gave him my heart. And he gave me his. I know it seems like we're rushing into things so fast but if you knew our history, you wouldn't say that. Its amazing how he came into my life at the right time. Just when I was ready to give up on everything. We compliment each other perfectly. Our bodies just fit into each other like the last pieces of a puzzle. It's awesome. I re-introduced him to my family and my mom and they love him. He's adapted perfectly to my family. Christopher LOVES him and that's rare. Christopher doesn't like anyone. Christopher doesn't even like me half the time but he LOVES Peter. Peter tried to teach Christopher how to play his ABC's on the keyboard, how to do karate - they were so cute when they were playing together. Peter wants to have six kids - with ME - lmao. I was like, "Um...no. I'm not having six kids. I'll have a maximum of two...maybe!" I can't believe I'm talking about having kids! But whatever, it feels right. I can't stop myself from the way I'm feeling and I can honestly say I've never had these feelings before EXCEPT with HIM! Well, except with him and one person, but that didn't work out for obvious reasons. I don't know, me and him we just fit. We complete each other lol. I'm so happy. I'm so lucky. When we met and dated in high school I never thought I'd be where I'm at right now with him. But if you can not be near someone for 4 years and come together and you find that you still have that love that you had for each other back then, and it's grown beyond what you'd ever have imagined, how can you let that go? What we have together has lasted this long - we've had the rough patch, we've been through the shit, we've had the fights - all that's left now is us. That's really special. We treasure and value each other. Last night we made love and he told me that he wanted to marry me. And I want to marry him. So I guess we're unofficially officially engaged. I can't picture myself with anyone else and I can picture myself being with him for the rest of my life. So there it is. The person I've been looking for was right in front of me all along. Isn't that the way it always works out.

I love you, baby.

Relationship Status: Happy, Content
Work Status: Starting Monday - Yay
Love Status: Falling in Love
Heart Status: Mending
State of Mind:
Currently Listening to: Avril Lavigne - Things I'll Never Say

I will be leaving the SG site soon. I'm going to miss you all the new friends I made. If you want to keep in touch email me and let me know. I'm glad things are looking up for me right now. I couldn't handle another blow. It's funny how - just when you're ready to give up - something or someone comes along to stand you upright again. Sigh!

4-24-05 11:28pm

This is still my theme song. I figured I might as well just leave it there and edit this entry. Time for a little update on my life:

Relationship Status: Stressful and Lonely
Work Status: Progressing Nicely
Money Status: Broke
Love Status: Falling
Heart Status: Broken
State of Mind: Depressed
Currently Listening to: My theme song (see below)

~

Today's theme song is by the Indigo Girls - and I do believe it will be my theme song for the rest of my life. It's titled: Love Will Come To You! Enjoy reading the lyrics. The buy it, download it, find it and BLARE IT on your cd player and cry along with me

~

guess i wasn't the best one to ask
me myself with my face pressed
up against love's glass
to see the shiny toy i've been hoping for
the one i never can afford

the wide world spins and spits turmoil
and the nations toil for peace
but the paws of fear upon your chest
only love can soothe that beast
and my words are paper tigers
no match for the predator of pain inside her

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if I've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

i was born under the sign of cancer
like brushing cloth i smooth the wrinkles for an answer
i close my eyes and wish you fine
(i'm always closing my eyes wishing i'm fine)
even though i know you're not this time
(even though i'm not this time)

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through
where there's now one there will be two

dodging your memories
a field of knives
always on the outside looking in
on other's lives

i say love will come to you
hoping just because i spoke the words that they're true
as if i've offered up a crystal ball to look through wh
ere there's now one there will be two

and i wish her insight
to battle love's blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend
there's more than love
that matters

Drunken blogs are the best! Two Smirnoff Ices and 5 shots of Vodka - here we are! Let's start off this blog by saying ... I am currently sexually frustrated - which is actually better than being sexually DEAD which is what I was this morning and into the afternoon. So I guess I should thank THIS PERSON (you KNOW who you are) for what they did to me this evening - awakening me sexually. HOWEVA! When you get someone to the point where they're 5 minutes from having a kick ass orgasm (knowing that they haven't had one in like a month) and then you stop - you are going to burn in hell. Know this and be afraid!!!! Moving on ... someone told me they loved me this evening and then they took it back and ran away. I haven't known her very long .. but yeah - I love her too. And I'm not taking it back and I'm not running away! I know that through all we've been through since we've been together and we're still together and still willing to be together there's not really a whole hellavah lot that can tear us apart. Right? Or did I just jinx myself? Damn - um ok - I take that part back! Yeah I know - I'm screwed. Actually no - I wasn't screwed enough today - hence my sexual frustration! I'm going to bed. No hangover tomm PLZ! Nighty night folks!

Artist: Me'Shell Ndegeocello
Song: Fool of Me

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
Was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
'Cause now you have no interest in anything I have to say
And I have allowed you to make me feel dumb
What kind of fool am I that you so easily set me aside

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me

I want to kiss you
Does she want you with the pain that I do
I smell you in my dreams
But now when we're face to face you won't look me in the eye
No time no friendship no love
Don't say don't touch you I can't touch you no more
Can't touch you any more any more
I don't touch you anymore

You made a fool of me
Tell me why
You say that you don't care but we made love
Tell me why
You made a fool of me you made a fool of me

Wish I May

I've lost my path -
I've lost my place -
And I wonder what'll happen
When all the roads overlap
And we're staring face to face.

I'm sinking into a quicksand of desire
And I'm wearing out my welcome on the foot of your bed
Trying not to awaken your significant other,
Trying not to stir up my
Dormant self-loathing...

But late at night
I toss and turn
Because I keep having this dream
Where I can't see a thing
Because I'm smothered by darkness.

There's a stiff competition
Between the walls I put up
And the ones you keep knocking down.
You keep saying,
"Everything's going to be okay."
But how can I trust your optimism,
When I can't trust you?

I'm not strong enough
To hold myself up to your standards
So I've left out
What you don't want to hear.
But I'm spinning with longing
Spiraling out of control
And silently screaming,
"This isn't who I want to be!" and
"This isn't how I want to feel!"

All I want is to stop wishing on stars
For dreams that won't come true.
Fo you, for me, for her - all three -
A few too many wish I might's and wish I may's -

Starlight, star bright.
Have this wish I wish tonight:
I wish for passion without pain
Desire without regret and
Love without repercussions...

All I want...
Is nothing you can give.

**I wrote this a long long time ago - I'm glad I don't feel this way anymore **

Boys are stupid and women are indecisive. Right now ... That is my relationship status.

Top that off with this:
I haven't slept in TWO DAYS!!! And I'm not even tired! What the hell is up with that? Plus - all morning I've been nauseous and throwing up - I have a fever and I don't feel well at allllll!!!!!!

I need to sleep and get well - and I need to deal with some crazy ish - and I need to make more money.

Ugh and now I have a doctor's appointment in about an hour so I won't even get to rest. Blah!!

Thanks to BeckaDarling - I'm going to post this here too:

Today's Short Story: A Guide to Palmistry
Today's Half Read Book: A Girl's Guide to Taking Over the World hehe
Today's Dysfunction: Confusion
Today's Hottest Thing: My thong
Today's Lipstick: Chapstick lol
Today's Most Missed Hot Rock Girl: Meridith Brooks
Today's Song: "Be the Girl" ~ Aslyn

Thanks to everyone for leaving all the words of sympathy on my page. I really appreciate it. It's been a rough time but I'm just taking it one day at a time. I really appreciate everyone's support. Thanks!

My sister is gone.
I can't seem to get past this one small phrase.

Etre. To be. My sister is born - she exists.
Avoir. To have. My sister is mine - she enters my life.
Aller. To go. My sister is gone.

My sister is gone.

I've been through it, examined it, thought about it over and over again and it still doesn't make any sense. My sister is gone. I can't see her, talk to her, feel her, hear her, touch her, smell her... I'm flooded by memories of her and yet she is gone from all five of my senses.

I know that she is no longer afraid, no longer searching, no longer sad. She made her own destiny and in a way I envy her. So easily able to say goodbye to everyone and everything she knows. She was always looking for a home. And now she has one.

I wish I had more time with her. I'm angry because she didn't think I needed her. And now, when I need her more than ever, she is gone. I never thought the death of someone would affect me this much. But she was a part of me.

In the end ... she was stronger than me.

My sister is gone. That is all I know right now.
That is all I can say.

I'm sad today. And I'm sick as anything! I can't stop coughing - I have to up by 6am for work and two job interviews - 1 of which is in King of Prussia, PA and I have no CLUE how to get there. The girl I like is in Cali and I miss her. Also, I'm having trouble with a "friend" of mine who doesn't want to be my friend because he's got a girlfriend who doesn't let him have girl friends. Also because we slept together for four months ... while he was with her. Bad on my part, worse on his part. But he's right. We can't be friends - shouldn't be friends. Guys and girls just can't be friends ... because you've either slept together, are sleeping together or one person wants to sleep with the other person, then someone gets jealous and it's a big mess. This is why I stick to gay guys. Blah... I just want my friend back. And I want him to not be a butthole anymore.