Reload
Sometimes turmoil just loves to compound itself with an everincreasing number of additional layers. And of course, with a layer of chocolate syrup on top sp that it looks appealing to anyone else unfamiliar with the details. It's as if it isn't happy enough throwing the biggest monkey at you that you've ever seen. In fact, sometimes I'd about swear that life is "out there" LOOKING for ways to become angry. Maybe it thinks it's fun.
I suppose I find that amusing, though that may be because humor is my preferred response, as opposed to perhaps depression or else just channeling that same anger right back into other individuals. It can be difficult walking the line of balance between being the truly caring individual that I am, and having to say "Wait a second, bitch! You steppin' on my toes!" I suppose people don't always understand this, but it's something I try to maintain.
Although, as I have seen far too many times, the person who reveals themselves as giving even the slightest fuck about anyone else suddenly becomes a target to those who enjoy living in pain and fear. My honesty can be my enemy, and the fact that I stand by what I mean and who I really am ... can be my enemy. But what else am I going to do? I suppose I'll have to choose this enemy and accept it, because there is no way that I'm going to turn my back on it now.
Some people will think what they may. It's fun to throw attacks and accusations around if it distracts from the real issues of personal growth and spiritual development. Great fun to bring somebody else down. Let's all jump on the bandwagon of paranoia, shall we? Let's all lie and cheat in order to protect ourselves. Let's throw the same shit at everyone else. Let's hold massive grudges about things that we cannot change. Let's assume the worst in people in order that the one who hurts us the most is ourselves.
No. If being a person of light means that the darkness will attampt to penetrate in any possible way, then I suppose that is the price I'll have to pay. There are those who allow temselves to be controlled by fear and neediness. Perhaps even most. But where does that get us?
When we betray ourselves so that we become an amalgamation of what others WANT us to be (weak, insecure, conforming, heartless), then we have to ask ourselves what in the fuck we were to begin with. Was it much? Anything of real value? Will it be now? We still have a choice, so long as we recognize that fact.
So many people either refuse to be happy, or else they simply give up and expect everyone else to do the same. What's difficult is when you cannot see these things about people until it is too late. Was it there from the beginning? Was it obvious?
Well, perhaps it was. Perhaps Cetandi is right, and I always see the best in people, even when that blinds me in naivete. Fair enough, but where precisely is the balance then? Most people seem to see in others what they truly feel about themselves. Those who accuse others of being manipulative are often times manipulative themselves. What mirror do I wish to hold up to the world? What looking glass am I going to use when I look into somebody's heart? The one which tells me everything I fear about my own self, or the one which sees the pure soul deep beneath the surface?
It's a tough call, in some ways, when you see the results of blind idealism. But just the fact that this question should even be asked AT ALL is the real concern to me. Should we really have to overthink and analyze which sort of looking glass we should be using? Why not the one that comes natural to us? Why not find the beauty in people rather than tearing them down?
People are amazed at times how "understanding" I can be. Well, let them, I say. It's the mirror I choose to carry. Look into it, and see for once if there's anything worthy in yourself. See why I care, even though you may have denied yourself any light for however many years since you let yourself believe that everyone was worthless. Take a close look, and realize this:
We're all going to die. That's right. In many ways, we're already dead. Why do we carry on as if this isn't true?
I mean, fuck. Is this all we know how to do as humans? Destroy each other just because we can? Or try to destroy the one you think can't be destroyed? Hell, maybe this is why I being so much bullcrap into my life. I'm a "challenge". Gotta make me fall in line.
Yay.
:-)
-MXV
Sometimes turmoil just loves to compound itself with an everincreasing number of additional layers. And of course, with a layer of chocolate syrup on top sp that it looks appealing to anyone else unfamiliar with the details. It's as if it isn't happy enough throwing the biggest monkey at you that you've ever seen. In fact, sometimes I'd about swear that life is "out there" LOOKING for ways to become angry. Maybe it thinks it's fun.
I suppose I find that amusing, though that may be because humor is my preferred response, as opposed to perhaps depression or else just channeling that same anger right back into other individuals. It can be difficult walking the line of balance between being the truly caring individual that I am, and having to say "Wait a second, bitch! You steppin' on my toes!" I suppose people don't always understand this, but it's something I try to maintain.
Although, as I have seen far too many times, the person who reveals themselves as giving even the slightest fuck about anyone else suddenly becomes a target to those who enjoy living in pain and fear. My honesty can be my enemy, and the fact that I stand by what I mean and who I really am ... can be my enemy. But what else am I going to do? I suppose I'll have to choose this enemy and accept it, because there is no way that I'm going to turn my back on it now.
Some people will think what they may. It's fun to throw attacks and accusations around if it distracts from the real issues of personal growth and spiritual development. Great fun to bring somebody else down. Let's all jump on the bandwagon of paranoia, shall we? Let's all lie and cheat in order to protect ourselves. Let's throw the same shit at everyone else. Let's hold massive grudges about things that we cannot change. Let's assume the worst in people in order that the one who hurts us the most is ourselves.
No. If being a person of light means that the darkness will attampt to penetrate in any possible way, then I suppose that is the price I'll have to pay. There are those who allow temselves to be controlled by fear and neediness. Perhaps even most. But where does that get us?
When we betray ourselves so that we become an amalgamation of what others WANT us to be (weak, insecure, conforming, heartless), then we have to ask ourselves what in the fuck we were to begin with. Was it much? Anything of real value? Will it be now? We still have a choice, so long as we recognize that fact.
So many people either refuse to be happy, or else they simply give up and expect everyone else to do the same. What's difficult is when you cannot see these things about people until it is too late. Was it there from the beginning? Was it obvious?
Well, perhaps it was. Perhaps Cetandi is right, and I always see the best in people, even when that blinds me in naivete. Fair enough, but where precisely is the balance then? Most people seem to see in others what they truly feel about themselves. Those who accuse others of being manipulative are often times manipulative themselves. What mirror do I wish to hold up to the world? What looking glass am I going to use when I look into somebody's heart? The one which tells me everything I fear about my own self, or the one which sees the pure soul deep beneath the surface?
It's a tough call, in some ways, when you see the results of blind idealism. But just the fact that this question should even be asked AT ALL is the real concern to me. Should we really have to overthink and analyze which sort of looking glass we should be using? Why not the one that comes natural to us? Why not find the beauty in people rather than tearing them down?
People are amazed at times how "understanding" I can be. Well, let them, I say. It's the mirror I choose to carry. Look into it, and see for once if there's anything worthy in yourself. See why I care, even though you may have denied yourself any light for however many years since you let yourself believe that everyone was worthless. Take a close look, and realize this:
We're all going to die. That's right. In many ways, we're already dead. Why do we carry on as if this isn't true?
I mean, fuck. Is this all we know how to do as humans? Destroy each other just because we can? Or try to destroy the one you think can't be destroyed? Hell, maybe this is why I being so much bullcrap into my life. I'm a "challenge". Gotta make me fall in line.
Yay.
:-)
-MXV
Okay, I've got to make a new post. I look back at this and it's just a flurry of bitches and whines about Megan. Eh, well I suppose I had a surprisingly rough time with that, but within a few weeks it was fine. I should have come back sooner to update my shit, but I'm lazy sometimes I suppose.
It's so strange now how much I tore into myself from every possible angle and kept on trying to see what I could do to somehow fix the situation. Hah, you can't fix broken girls. They either fix themselves or they don't. You can show the way, but if they're not going to elevate themselves then they're jus not ready for someone more "advanced". Hell, the girl is still pretty fucked up, but at least she's surrounded by others who don't aspire for something high enough that she questions her own ability (or perhaps subconscious desire) to keep up. I still care about her, and I probably always will. It's just odd how I lost my sense of direction so completely.
Understandable though, I suppose. When I finally fell for her I hit hard. I knew beforehand that I shouldn't have allowed that to happen. But I suppose it took the recovery from that to get my focus refined to where it needed to be. The girl after her was awesome. So much sweetness and beauty in there that I never would have seen before. We were ultimately incompatible so it endd, but the thing is, we both still have nothing but fond memories of each other.
And that's how it should be. 2 people who like each other minus compatibility should equal breaking it off when feelings get too strong. Sure, you'll MISS each other, but it's better than getting all fucked over it, or worse, never feeling the light of the other person.
Okay, so that's that. Now that I'm back I'm trying to do a cuntload of catchup. Trying to update my account with my new information, which is kinda difficult.
Re-analyzing my favorites as well. Just in the newest sets alone I've been blown away by a few of these girls. Besides, one of my current faves kinda lost her "look" and all are gone from SG now. SO these won't be reading as-is for long.
ALso, this tells me that I should send a little retraction to Fractal. A while back, I was concerned about the way SG might have been growing into "to big" of a thing. Heh, fuck that shit, SG is probably better now than it ever was. I'm impressed.
Okay ... signing out.
MXV
It's so strange now how much I tore into myself from every possible angle and kept on trying to see what I could do to somehow fix the situation. Hah, you can't fix broken girls. They either fix themselves or they don't. You can show the way, but if they're not going to elevate themselves then they're jus not ready for someone more "advanced". Hell, the girl is still pretty fucked up, but at least she's surrounded by others who don't aspire for something high enough that she questions her own ability (or perhaps subconscious desire) to keep up. I still care about her, and I probably always will. It's just odd how I lost my sense of direction so completely.
Understandable though, I suppose. When I finally fell for her I hit hard. I knew beforehand that I shouldn't have allowed that to happen. But I suppose it took the recovery from that to get my focus refined to where it needed to be. The girl after her was awesome. So much sweetness and beauty in there that I never would have seen before. We were ultimately incompatible so it endd, but the thing is, we both still have nothing but fond memories of each other.
And that's how it should be. 2 people who like each other minus compatibility should equal breaking it off when feelings get too strong. Sure, you'll MISS each other, but it's better than getting all fucked over it, or worse, never feeling the light of the other person.
Okay, so that's that. Now that I'm back I'm trying to do a cuntload of catchup. Trying to update my account with my new information, which is kinda difficult.
Re-analyzing my favorites as well. Just in the newest sets alone I've been blown away by a few of these girls. Besides, one of my current faves kinda lost her "look" and all are gone from SG now. SO these won't be reading as-is for long.
ALso, this tells me that I should send a little retraction to Fractal. A while back, I was concerned about the way SG might have been growing into "to big" of a thing. Heh, fuck that shit, SG is probably better now than it ever was. I'm impressed.
Okay ... signing out.
MXV
Thoughts over New Year's
Enough here to post before Week 3
--
In one sense
I should be pretty self-assured
After all, I got Megan on my own
Why wouldn't I be good enough?
Then again
By the "end"
She seemed to be wavering
But was it because of me?
Or just her?
Did the mention of my fears
Drive her away?
Hadn't she always known?
The fear is inside us all
I got to where I was
By hiding it
But after a while
Should it not be safe
To admit it
To the one who loves you?
--
"Why didn't he love me?"
She asked about another
Well, maybe the answer is obvious
She wouldn't LET him
Maybe it's not that simple
He does have his definite issues
But look at me
I really am, honestly
A pretty great person
She may not let me either
Because I'm a human
As unfortunate as that may be
She will only really want someone
When she really wants someone
To really want her
--
So it still happens
Too much thinking
Over-analyzing
But most of the time
Spending too much money
Having a hell of a time
Can be its own little reward
Life has too much to offer
To waste it all away
Feeling anxious
About everything
Beyond your realistic control
--
Sex
Once you get used to having it
And then it's gone
It is more difficult
The lock of orgasm
Is true
It seems as though
It's like an addiction
That can be very healthy
Or very destructive
Depending on the use
And who you share it with
You end up needing it
In a way
I'm doing fine though
By now
But I still feel
If I get the offer
From the right girl
I may just take it
Even though it would still be
To fill a void
Because the RIGHT girl for me
Is still Megan
And I am probably still
The "right" guy for her
Though she may not think about that
What if it never really comes back for us?
How close will we be then, when we find out?
Will it all be for the better?
Probably
--
The cross pendant
That I've been wanting for so long
Has been discontinued
I didn't order it
When I had the chance
Because of Christmas
I was supposed to get one
But now they're gone
Quite likely forever
Under different circumstances
I'd be a lot more upset
But right now
Annoyed as I am
I see yet another
Stupid little lesson
About not being open
And taking what you can
When it's available
Sometimes the hesitation
Good intentions and all
Can mean that you lose it
There's a tough balance
In there somewhere
--
At the party
On New Year's
There were things
So different
From the world
I've grown up in
I need to try
To get myself
To be that way
So many things
That I would freak about
Just didn't matter
In the end
--
"Don't worry about the past"
He said
"About what was
Or what might have been"
It's true
Yet so hard to do
But in time
It won't be that hard at all
How much time?
I'll have to wait and see
I'm on my path
So I'll find out eventually
I'll get there
Someday
--
A girl on DOMAI
That Mike was going on about
I hadn't really seen the beauty before
And then suddenly
I saw it
It's not just her
Now I see
Something new
I thank her for that
Megan
For helping me to see
What was actually there
All along
--
Jealousy
Or not
I've seen a glimpse of a different world
Where it's just not such a problem
How do I connect with this?
While sometimes
Jealousy is fully justified
In their case
It serves no purpose
They're in no danger
And they know it
If we were only
Solid enough
It wouldn't have mattered
For us either
Too bad that just takes time
To really develop
Do I really want to live in that world?
Well, not completely
They just go too far
But to understand it
Will surely help me
--
Sexuality
We come from such different backgrounds
But I wanted to break out
To find my own path, in a way
It seems
We were really heading
In the same direction
Toward the same destination
Despite her remaining
Intense conflict
What is the destination?
As far as I can tell
At this early point
It's to enjoy what life offers
When it's presented
Under discretion
But not fear
With the constant
Ultimate goal
Of an exclusive
Real love relationship
The thing is
We actually had that
It was there
It still IS
Unless we decide
That it's not enough
That there's no way
To do it slowly
And throw away
So much
Dreams are still possible
If you don't let go of them
--
It's so much easier for them
There is still a big part of me
That wants to be a slutty girl
Or a slutty anything
The illusion of closeness
Is still enticing
The physical desire
The need to feel wanted
If I were a girl
How would I not be like Alexia?
Or at least like Megan?
I have no idea
Maybe I'm better off
This way
--
We shouldn't sacrifice
Who we are
Or what we believe
Just for meaningless sexual desires
But what happens
When those desires
Begin to affect
Those beliefs?
Are they meaningless?
What does one do
With this information?
Somewhere along the line
Humanity went wrong
Maybe it always was
I just know
That it was meaningful for us
It was right for us
--
2006
I knew would be fucking crazy
It was the first time
I've known this in advance
I had no idea
Just what was in store for me
And now
We begin 2007
Holy cock, dude
That's all I can say about that
I know ... just so damned profound...
--
I wonder how it went for her
Who she spent it with
Why do I care?
Why does she mean so much?
Eh ... fuck me
--
Her own jealous side
Which she proclaimed to have so strongly
I hardly ever saw
She could have showed it more
It might have helped, even
Perhaps she was trying to shut it down
But it was never her enemy
It is what we DO with our feelings
That can make them our enemies
Recognizing them for what they are
Is always the right first shep
What was it?
It was the part of her
That wanted to have something special
And didn't want to see it threatened
Trying to make itself heard
She is probably
Still at war
Over these things
If I mentioned another girl
That was hot
It would understandably bother her
But about Rachel
"I would just think that you probably SHOULD
And get it out of your system"
What a contradiction
I wonder if she knows
--
I still think
It would do her good
To say that she is beautiful
At just the right time
Or a squirt
That would have opened her up
So much more
I wonder
If she ever
Really locked onto me
Or if maybe she was
And that was beginning to frighten her
She mentioned not being so attracted
By appearances
So much as by personality
Which makes sense
But then I ask myself
If Alex
Who was clearly no comparison
Was really on her mind in that way
She never said he wasn't
It probably doesn't matter much right now
But it's still a pretty good question
It was probably just Kody
Wanting to add to her collection
Of the beautifully fucked up
But did Megan let her?
Or did she just not see it?
Kody may be getting stronger now
Going through this time
We will have to wait and see
If Megan wants to overcome her
--
I have some great lyrics
On my mind
From Braindance and others
Goo Goo Dolls
Whatever else
I am starting
To see my own way again
To regain
Some of my old strength
So many posts
On this general subject
And yet I'm actually
Breaking out a bit
I think I'm about ready
To step forward once again
And yet, as I say that
I know
That there's a part of me
That's heartbroken
I still need
To be careful
--
01-01-2007
What the hell, man...
Enough here to post before Week 3
--
In one sense
I should be pretty self-assured
After all, I got Megan on my own
Why wouldn't I be good enough?
Then again
By the "end"
She seemed to be wavering
But was it because of me?
Or just her?
Did the mention of my fears
Drive her away?
Hadn't she always known?
The fear is inside us all
I got to where I was
By hiding it
But after a while
Should it not be safe
To admit it
To the one who loves you?
--
"Why didn't he love me?"
She asked about another
Well, maybe the answer is obvious
She wouldn't LET him
Maybe it's not that simple
He does have his definite issues
But look at me
I really am, honestly
A pretty great person
She may not let me either
Because I'm a human
As unfortunate as that may be
She will only really want someone
When she really wants someone
To really want her
--
So it still happens
Too much thinking
Over-analyzing
But most of the time
Spending too much money
Having a hell of a time
Can be its own little reward
Life has too much to offer
To waste it all away
Feeling anxious
About everything
Beyond your realistic control
--
Sex
Once you get used to having it
And then it's gone
It is more difficult
The lock of orgasm
Is true
It seems as though
It's like an addiction
That can be very healthy
Or very destructive
Depending on the use
And who you share it with
You end up needing it
In a way
I'm doing fine though
By now
But I still feel
If I get the offer
From the right girl
I may just take it
Even though it would still be
To fill a void
Because the RIGHT girl for me
Is still Megan
And I am probably still
The "right" guy for her
Though she may not think about that
What if it never really comes back for us?
How close will we be then, when we find out?
Will it all be for the better?
Probably
--
The cross pendant
That I've been wanting for so long
Has been discontinued
I didn't order it
When I had the chance
Because of Christmas
I was supposed to get one
But now they're gone
Quite likely forever
Under different circumstances
I'd be a lot more upset
But right now
Annoyed as I am
I see yet another
Stupid little lesson
About not being open
And taking what you can
When it's available
Sometimes the hesitation
Good intentions and all
Can mean that you lose it
There's a tough balance
In there somewhere
--
At the party
On New Year's
There were things
So different
From the world
I've grown up in
I need to try
To get myself
To be that way
So many things
That I would freak about
Just didn't matter
In the end
--
"Don't worry about the past"
He said
"About what was
Or what might have been"
It's true
Yet so hard to do
But in time
It won't be that hard at all
How much time?
I'll have to wait and see
I'm on my path
So I'll find out eventually
I'll get there
Someday
--
A girl on DOMAI
That Mike was going on about
I hadn't really seen the beauty before
And then suddenly
I saw it
It's not just her
Now I see
Something new
I thank her for that
Megan
For helping me to see
What was actually there
All along
--
Jealousy
Or not
I've seen a glimpse of a different world
Where it's just not such a problem
How do I connect with this?
While sometimes
Jealousy is fully justified
In their case
It serves no purpose
They're in no danger
And they know it
If we were only
Solid enough
It wouldn't have mattered
For us either
Too bad that just takes time
To really develop
Do I really want to live in that world?
Well, not completely
They just go too far
But to understand it
Will surely help me
--
Sexuality
We come from such different backgrounds
But I wanted to break out
To find my own path, in a way
It seems
We were really heading
In the same direction
Toward the same destination
Despite her remaining
Intense conflict
What is the destination?
As far as I can tell
At this early point
It's to enjoy what life offers
When it's presented
Under discretion
But not fear
With the constant
Ultimate goal
Of an exclusive
Real love relationship
The thing is
We actually had that
It was there
It still IS
Unless we decide
That it's not enough
That there's no way
To do it slowly
And throw away
So much
Dreams are still possible
If you don't let go of them
--
It's so much easier for them
There is still a big part of me
That wants to be a slutty girl
Or a slutty anything
The illusion of closeness
Is still enticing
The physical desire
The need to feel wanted
If I were a girl
How would I not be like Alexia?
Or at least like Megan?
I have no idea
Maybe I'm better off
This way
--
We shouldn't sacrifice
Who we are
Or what we believe
Just for meaningless sexual desires
But what happens
When those desires
Begin to affect
Those beliefs?
Are they meaningless?
What does one do
With this information?
Somewhere along the line
Humanity went wrong
Maybe it always was
I just know
That it was meaningful for us
It was right for us
--
2006
I knew would be fucking crazy
It was the first time
I've known this in advance
I had no idea
Just what was in store for me
And now
We begin 2007
Holy cock, dude
That's all I can say about that
I know ... just so damned profound...
--
I wonder how it went for her
Who she spent it with
Why do I care?
Why does she mean so much?
Eh ... fuck me
--
Her own jealous side
Which she proclaimed to have so strongly
I hardly ever saw
She could have showed it more
It might have helped, even
Perhaps she was trying to shut it down
But it was never her enemy
It is what we DO with our feelings
That can make them our enemies
Recognizing them for what they are
Is always the right first shep
What was it?
It was the part of her
That wanted to have something special
And didn't want to see it threatened
Trying to make itself heard
She is probably
Still at war
Over these things
If I mentioned another girl
That was hot
It would understandably bother her
But about Rachel
"I would just think that you probably SHOULD
And get it out of your system"
What a contradiction
I wonder if she knows
--
I still think
It would do her good
To say that she is beautiful
At just the right time
Or a squirt
That would have opened her up
So much more
I wonder
If she ever
Really locked onto me
Or if maybe she was
And that was beginning to frighten her
She mentioned not being so attracted
By appearances
So much as by personality
Which makes sense
But then I ask myself
If Alex
Who was clearly no comparison
Was really on her mind in that way
She never said he wasn't
It probably doesn't matter much right now
But it's still a pretty good question
It was probably just Kody
Wanting to add to her collection
Of the beautifully fucked up
But did Megan let her?
Or did she just not see it?
Kody may be getting stronger now
Going through this time
We will have to wait and see
If Megan wants to overcome her
--
I have some great lyrics
On my mind
From Braindance and others
Goo Goo Dolls
Whatever else
I am starting
To see my own way again
To regain
Some of my old strength
So many posts
On this general subject
And yet I'm actually
Breaking out a bit
I think I'm about ready
To step forward once again
And yet, as I say that
I know
That there's a part of me
That's heartbroken
I still need
To be careful
--
01-01-2007
What the hell, man...
Thoughts from week 2
--
She's only been 21 a couple months
Where's the surprise that she had only been to a bar twice?
Especially since I wanted to take her
And she knew that I didn't want to push her
Against seeing Tony
She did that on her own
I let her know she didn't have to do it
And then suddenly she shifts
She would HATE me for breaking it off with Alex
No, this was not the real Megan speaking
It was Kody making excuses
--
Why would he say what he said to us
Knowing that I had a concern?
Unless it was to use as a wedge
Then he fully succeeded
Much better than he thought, I bet
I see that my expectations were not unrealistic
Except that she just didn't see it that way
I wonder what would have happened
Had I given her the space she needed
Would she have handled it on her own?
Or used him as a tool against me?
--
If the situation were reversed
I would have cut her off very quickly
The other girl
Would I have resented Megan for it?
Hell no. The thought would be off my radar
But her needs were different
We're not all on the same track
Was she just unable to give the control over?
That, I can understand
Or was it really a setup?
I won't know for a while still
--
When I had to remind her
That I really did love her
That I wasn't lying
I never thought that she distrusted me
She just needed my reassurance
And yet when I needed hers
She didn't know how to take that
It wasn't about trust, Megan
I just had the same fear as you
Now look at what has happened
Is life really better this way?
--
This has been without a doubt
The craziest couple weeks of my life
It is making me ready
For the rest of my life
I can do it with her
Or without
I'd rather she was with me
Because through all of this
There is just no replacing her
--
in her family
They almost throw gifts at each other with resentment
It was going to be so much different for us
I still wanted her with me
And I still do
Although I can see
How I am growing, already
From a place that I was
To the place I need to be
--
She needed me to love her
And it took some effort
Then when I finally fell
I needed her
The context changed
She wasn't chasing me
Anymore
Maybe that's what she needed
It was just my one fear
That changed it all
Well, no, that's not true
It was her fear
That kept telling her that she could not do
What she actually was doing
She was self-defeating
And it threatened my stability
She probably thinks that my line
That I had to draw
Was a threat
An ultimatum
But what I said was nothing
Unlike her own words
I only allowed to happen
What she somehow, secretly
Wanted to happen
She kept telling me
How she'd have to leave
I can only hope
That now
She's able to still feel
What I had given her
If she cannot
Then perhaps she is truly lost
Give her time
That's what I need to remember
She needs it
To sort this out
All I can do is hope
That she comes out
Open to love
Because she deserves it
--
A girl at the bar
I was thinking to myself
That I could never get a girl like her
And yet there she was
A couple hours later
So into me
I should give myself more credit
I do so much better when I raise the bar
Damn my insecurities
They create the situations I fear
They only hold me back
I felt bored
And a bit sad
Until I let go of it
And reconnected
With me
--
I see now
That I don't really NEED her
That I can get another girl
But the thing is
Do I really WANT to?
There is so much beauty
In so many different forms
And sometimes
I really do have options
But the only option I really WANT right now
The only girl I really love
Is Megan
So many things
I'm experiencing right now
I wonder
If I'll ever get to share it with her
--
She wanted me to meet her friend David
Because I was the one who could finally
Just maybe
Really make her happy
Who would treat her right
I wonder how she feels now
If she blames me or herself
And if she can accept
That she always did have a choice
She always could do it
She just never allowed herself
To admit that
If one cannot do something
They cannot fail
It's only when they know they can
That the possibility appears
In either direction
--
We had talked of moving in together
Just one night before the explosion
It wasn't a bad idea then
It isn't even a bad idea now
Without her family's bullshit
She could focus on her
And accomplish what she still very well
May consider the impossible
--
I did something stupid
At work last week
I didn't even realize how stupid
It was at the time
It almost got me fired even
No, I've got to break out of that
I have to stop letting my doubts
Control my eventualities
I will rise up stronger, better
And maybe even ready
For everything I thought I couldn't do before
Fuck yeah, I can do it
Just give me some time
I'll get there
--
All of my worrying
Obsessing, even
About what was going on
About us making our fears come true
Did nothing to stop it
In fact, it may have helped it along
She didn't fall for the man
Who was always worrying about
Whatever she was doing or saying
But then again
I didn't fall for the girl
Who kept saying that she couldn't do it
She was ambitious then
She had hope
I think I just pushed her too hard
Why did I pull the plug when I did
Even though it wasn't my intention at first?
"I can't do this anymore
I can't do it"
Okay then. That's it that's it
You don't HAVE to do it
If she didn't want me
If I was just a hassle
Then why would I push her through it?
Well the answer, of course
Or what it should have been
Was that she COULD do it
She was just denying it
But she couldn't do it right THEN
Not like that
She loved me so much
At least, in the beginning she did
She kind of lost that a little
Her cling to me
It was the only thing
That I missed
Because it would have let me
Back off a bit
She's in a world without me now
What will she remember?
The clash?
Or the love and happiness?
--
After tearing on myself
The first week or so
About how I was supposed
To be "safe" for her
I'm now asking myself
Why she would do this to herself
There are ways
That she could think better
And have more focus
But she denies them
As if she doesn't need them
How can one person compensate
For their own weaknesses
And also those of the other person
When the other person
Won't really step up
Even enough to recognize
The needs of the one they love
For what they are
When someone acts as though
They are the VICTIM of their own love
Then what hope is there?
--
'Well, there's really no reason
Why it can't happen NOW"
I imagine her saying to him
Even though
He's so far below her
She won't think
He's trying to judge her
I wonder if she ever knew
That I'm really not all that different
On the inside
But I always strive
To rise above
The little Kody inside of me
And that makes all the difference
--
what if she's still not ready
even after an extended time?
Will it still be better
To be with her in that capacity
Than not at all?
I still need more time
To know for sure
But I think maybe it would
She changed a little
With the official title
Before that time
She wasn't afraid
If we still love each other
Why deny us each other?
--
Is this how I'm supposed
To overcome certain fears?
By seeing them come true
And living with it?
Maybe this experience
Was exactly what I needed
To see for myself
Whatever waits to be seen
--
So by now
The phone rings
I'm not thinking it's her
I know she's not going to call
I kinda wish she would
But I know the time apart is needed
--
her defensiveness
to my situation
indicates a problem
I got it from an unlikely source
But the truthfulness of it
Is hard to deny
She was looking for a way out
She wanted out
She didn't want it
The same way I did
After all this time
What am I to make of this?
What is SHE?
Only time will tell
--
Through all of this
My new little adventure
And my thoughts
About what happened and why
I can't escape the one thing
I still miss her
And I still want her
I miss her kiss
Like I can't explain
And holding her close to me
Nobody else is the same
I love my Megan
But is she mine?
Was she ever?
She almost was
But I was hers too
Why didn't she want me?
Or did she?
Who was the more blind?
Which of us should have seen?
Perhaps both
Or perhaps neither at all
--
She said to me once
"You're mine"
It was so cute
And I loved hearing it
She wanted me alone
And knew that I wanted her alone
What changed down the road?
Why would she feel
That she had to choose
Between me and a life outside?
Was it my approach
Or Kody's last stand?
Who will win?
Will Megan
Love?
I fucking hope so
Its so worth it
Will she make excuses
And say how it "didn't" work?
Or will she see
Just how close it was
And that THIS is our big test?
The results will determine everything
--
The excuses
I mentioned before
That people will come up with
To explain why they can't love
Are truly astounding
She never resented me
For the Tony thing
Until I mentioned the idea
I never thought
She truly shouldn't hang with him
I deliberately opened on that one
For her
She needed her friend
"Now you're going back on that?"
No, I never did
The whole "clubbing" bit
Was just a joke?
Or was it somehow
Her Kody inside
Setting up a trap
That didn't work then
But surely did the next time?
--
It's so strange
How it all seemed
To be my fault
At first
Yes, she needed the space
To do it on her own
Yes, she needed to know
That I could do that
But I WAS doing it
It only came to a head
When her defensiveness
Took over
Because it was just
The wrong time for her
It set mine off
I'd like it to have been different
But I know
Why it had to be this way
It's too bad I know
That we still have so much
Potential together
--
Two weeks down
Two to go?
Or should I extend it?
Maybe just one more
I'll probably send the card
It won't be too much
Unless she uses it as such
TO get out of our reconnection
But the thing is
I've been waiting on her
Until one month from the day
No, I need to know
That I can wait on ME
That I'll call when I'm ready
And not when the time comes
That she simply
Agreed to "allow" it
BE YOUR OWN PERSON!
'CUZ THIS IS A TEST!
--
It's been so fucking crazy
My life these past couple weeks
"I want to be completely
Transparent to her"
I wrote on here a while back
It was about that time
That my inner shit
Started to become
HER problem
And it started pushing her
Too hard
But it still comes back to her
Through everything
The love
And everything else
Was real
Can real love
Really be defeated
By stupid fears
So easily?
Can the pains of the past
Really make something
So great
Impossible?
I won't let myself believe that
I won't give up on love
--
12-30-2006
--
She's only been 21 a couple months
Where's the surprise that she had only been to a bar twice?
Especially since I wanted to take her
And she knew that I didn't want to push her
Against seeing Tony
She did that on her own
I let her know she didn't have to do it
And then suddenly she shifts
She would HATE me for breaking it off with Alex
No, this was not the real Megan speaking
It was Kody making excuses
--
Why would he say what he said to us
Knowing that I had a concern?
Unless it was to use as a wedge
Then he fully succeeded
Much better than he thought, I bet
I see that my expectations were not unrealistic
Except that she just didn't see it that way
I wonder what would have happened
Had I given her the space she needed
Would she have handled it on her own?
Or used him as a tool against me?
--
If the situation were reversed
I would have cut her off very quickly
The other girl
Would I have resented Megan for it?
Hell no. The thought would be off my radar
But her needs were different
We're not all on the same track
Was she just unable to give the control over?
That, I can understand
Or was it really a setup?
I won't know for a while still
--
When I had to remind her
That I really did love her
That I wasn't lying
I never thought that she distrusted me
She just needed my reassurance
And yet when I needed hers
She didn't know how to take that
It wasn't about trust, Megan
I just had the same fear as you
Now look at what has happened
Is life really better this way?
--
This has been without a doubt
The craziest couple weeks of my life
It is making me ready
For the rest of my life
I can do it with her
Or without
I'd rather she was with me
Because through all of this
There is just no replacing her
--
in her family
They almost throw gifts at each other with resentment
It was going to be so much different for us
I still wanted her with me
And I still do
Although I can see
How I am growing, already
From a place that I was
To the place I need to be
--
She needed me to love her
And it took some effort
Then when I finally fell
I needed her
The context changed
She wasn't chasing me
Anymore
Maybe that's what she needed
It was just my one fear
That changed it all
Well, no, that's not true
It was her fear
That kept telling her that she could not do
What she actually was doing
She was self-defeating
And it threatened my stability
She probably thinks that my line
That I had to draw
Was a threat
An ultimatum
But what I said was nothing
Unlike her own words
I only allowed to happen
What she somehow, secretly
Wanted to happen
She kept telling me
How she'd have to leave
I can only hope
That now
She's able to still feel
What I had given her
If she cannot
Then perhaps she is truly lost
Give her time
That's what I need to remember
She needs it
To sort this out
All I can do is hope
That she comes out
Open to love
Because she deserves it
--
A girl at the bar
I was thinking to myself
That I could never get a girl like her
And yet there she was
A couple hours later
So into me
I should give myself more credit
I do so much better when I raise the bar
Damn my insecurities
They create the situations I fear
They only hold me back
I felt bored
And a bit sad
Until I let go of it
And reconnected
With me
--
I see now
That I don't really NEED her
That I can get another girl
But the thing is
Do I really WANT to?
There is so much beauty
In so many different forms
And sometimes
I really do have options
But the only option I really WANT right now
The only girl I really love
Is Megan
So many things
I'm experiencing right now
I wonder
If I'll ever get to share it with her
--
She wanted me to meet her friend David
Because I was the one who could finally
Just maybe
Really make her happy
Who would treat her right
I wonder how she feels now
If she blames me or herself
And if she can accept
That she always did have a choice
She always could do it
She just never allowed herself
To admit that
If one cannot do something
They cannot fail
It's only when they know they can
That the possibility appears
In either direction
--
We had talked of moving in together
Just one night before the explosion
It wasn't a bad idea then
It isn't even a bad idea now
Without her family's bullshit
She could focus on her
And accomplish what she still very well
May consider the impossible
--
I did something stupid
At work last week
I didn't even realize how stupid
It was at the time
It almost got me fired even
No, I've got to break out of that
I have to stop letting my doubts
Control my eventualities
I will rise up stronger, better
And maybe even ready
For everything I thought I couldn't do before
Fuck yeah, I can do it
Just give me some time
I'll get there
--
All of my worrying
Obsessing, even
About what was going on
About us making our fears come true
Did nothing to stop it
In fact, it may have helped it along
She didn't fall for the man
Who was always worrying about
Whatever she was doing or saying
But then again
I didn't fall for the girl
Who kept saying that she couldn't do it
She was ambitious then
She had hope
I think I just pushed her too hard
Why did I pull the plug when I did
Even though it wasn't my intention at first?
"I can't do this anymore
I can't do it"
Okay then. That's it that's it
You don't HAVE to do it
If she didn't want me
If I was just a hassle
Then why would I push her through it?
Well the answer, of course
Or what it should have been
Was that she COULD do it
She was just denying it
But she couldn't do it right THEN
Not like that
She loved me so much
At least, in the beginning she did
She kind of lost that a little
Her cling to me
It was the only thing
That I missed
Because it would have let me
Back off a bit
She's in a world without me now
What will she remember?
The clash?
Or the love and happiness?
--
After tearing on myself
The first week or so
About how I was supposed
To be "safe" for her
I'm now asking myself
Why she would do this to herself
There are ways
That she could think better
And have more focus
But she denies them
As if she doesn't need them
How can one person compensate
For their own weaknesses
And also those of the other person
When the other person
Won't really step up
Even enough to recognize
The needs of the one they love
For what they are
When someone acts as though
They are the VICTIM of their own love
Then what hope is there?
--
'Well, there's really no reason
Why it can't happen NOW"
I imagine her saying to him
Even though
He's so far below her
She won't think
He's trying to judge her
I wonder if she ever knew
That I'm really not all that different
On the inside
But I always strive
To rise above
The little Kody inside of me
And that makes all the difference
--
what if she's still not ready
even after an extended time?
Will it still be better
To be with her in that capacity
Than not at all?
I still need more time
To know for sure
But I think maybe it would
She changed a little
With the official title
Before that time
She wasn't afraid
If we still love each other
Why deny us each other?
--
Is this how I'm supposed
To overcome certain fears?
By seeing them come true
And living with it?
Maybe this experience
Was exactly what I needed
To see for myself
Whatever waits to be seen
--
So by now
The phone rings
I'm not thinking it's her
I know she's not going to call
I kinda wish she would
But I know the time apart is needed
--
her defensiveness
to my situation
indicates a problem
I got it from an unlikely source
But the truthfulness of it
Is hard to deny
She was looking for a way out
She wanted out
She didn't want it
The same way I did
After all this time
What am I to make of this?
What is SHE?
Only time will tell
--
Through all of this
My new little adventure
And my thoughts
About what happened and why
I can't escape the one thing
I still miss her
And I still want her
I miss her kiss
Like I can't explain
And holding her close to me
Nobody else is the same
I love my Megan
But is she mine?
Was she ever?
She almost was
But I was hers too
Why didn't she want me?
Or did she?
Who was the more blind?
Which of us should have seen?
Perhaps both
Or perhaps neither at all
--
She said to me once
"You're mine"
It was so cute
And I loved hearing it
She wanted me alone
And knew that I wanted her alone
What changed down the road?
Why would she feel
That she had to choose
Between me and a life outside?
Was it my approach
Or Kody's last stand?
Who will win?
Will Megan
Love?
I fucking hope so
Its so worth it
Will she make excuses
And say how it "didn't" work?
Or will she see
Just how close it was
And that THIS is our big test?
The results will determine everything
--
The excuses
I mentioned before
That people will come up with
To explain why they can't love
Are truly astounding
She never resented me
For the Tony thing
Until I mentioned the idea
I never thought
She truly shouldn't hang with him
I deliberately opened on that one
For her
She needed her friend
"Now you're going back on that?"
No, I never did
The whole "clubbing" bit
Was just a joke?
Or was it somehow
Her Kody inside
Setting up a trap
That didn't work then
But surely did the next time?
--
It's so strange
How it all seemed
To be my fault
At first
Yes, she needed the space
To do it on her own
Yes, she needed to know
That I could do that
But I WAS doing it
It only came to a head
When her defensiveness
Took over
Because it was just
The wrong time for her
It set mine off
I'd like it to have been different
But I know
Why it had to be this way
It's too bad I know
That we still have so much
Potential together
--
Two weeks down
Two to go?
Or should I extend it?
Maybe just one more
I'll probably send the card
It won't be too much
Unless she uses it as such
TO get out of our reconnection
But the thing is
I've been waiting on her
Until one month from the day
No, I need to know
That I can wait on ME
That I'll call when I'm ready
And not when the time comes
That she simply
Agreed to "allow" it
BE YOUR OWN PERSON!
'CUZ THIS IS A TEST!
--
It's been so fucking crazy
My life these past couple weeks
"I want to be completely
Transparent to her"
I wrote on here a while back
It was about that time
That my inner shit
Started to become
HER problem
And it started pushing her
Too hard
But it still comes back to her
Through everything
The love
And everything else
Was real
Can real love
Really be defeated
By stupid fears
So easily?
Can the pains of the past
Really make something
So great
Impossible?
I won't let myself believe that
I won't give up on love
--
12-30-2006
What a twisted reality we've created for ourselves
Thoughts from week 1 (a little delayed)
--
How can she be gone?
I just needed her to love me
To care about my feelings
To help me face my fears
To tell me that everything would be okay
But she couldn't
And so I couldn't let go
The way I needed to
And now we deny ourselves our love
But it's not going away
I always trusted her
It was never about that
I wonder if she
Will ever understand
--
I've never had a Christmas with a girlfriend
This was going to be the first time
It would have been great
But I know this had to happen the way it did
And I'm even beginning to see why
We may not make it through this
But if we do, we're going to be so fucking great
I'm still unsure how to handle the reconnection
Should we be physical if she doesn't think we can make it?
Does she have to fall for me all over again?
Or will I have to break away completely
For fear of losing myself in her?
--
We just tried to do it all too fast
She felt suffocated; I felt insecure
This is no reason to break us
I know she's messing around now
Or I'm pretty sure at least
And I understand - I forgive her
This tells me something that actually surprises me
She could have cheated, and I could have forgiven her
Well, maybe not then, but now
Because it wouldn't be worth it to lose her
Am I just addicted to her?
I still need more time to know the truth
--
"I can fix it all. I KNOW I can"
What had happened to me?
I was willing to promise the impossible
Just to have her with me again
But it was only because I knew
That we really could still do it
And I was partially right, about the "switch" that I could throw
But I forgot about myself in the conversation
I needed her, too, and she wasn't prepared to handle that
We have to proceed slowly, and I think, in the end
We can still make it
Unless she's just too afraid to choose love
And chooses meaningless, empty substitutes instead
--
Did I expect too much of her?
Or did she just decide not to try?
I know she had too much to handle just then
And I was the only thing that she could eject
But now we're apart
And this world is not right
For me or for her, I can still feel it
She's trying to justify why she hurts herself
But I know the truth
We still need each other, but is that healthy?
Did one of us let the other down?
Or should we have known?
--
I made myself okay on my own
And it was really only then that I could truly find love
And I know that I should be able to show my true heart
But I really couldn't do it just then
If I had told her, it would have stressed her
And she would have left me
I know because she told me so
Does this mean that she is just too weak?
Or even if it does, should I have not seen that?
Should I have known to back off a bit?
Would that have prevented this break?
Or would it have just been worse later?
At least I could have found out
This is just wrong
Empty
--
So many things I want to tell her
And yet I may never get the chance
Someone said to me today "I'm not énkoténkoténko"
She'd think that was funny shit
Maybe another time
Or maybe we won't even really talk again
What if she's truly shutting me out
Out of her mind, out of her heart
And yet I still love her
I'm getting better - I really am
I don't feel obsessive well, maybe a little
I associate her with love
I associate her with sex
It's so hard not to think about her
All the time
I have this problem, and I can't escape it
I have to think things through to such an extreme
She has to ignore it until it settles in her mind
It's so hard to give her the space
But I know she really needs it
I've realized several things
That I couldn't have seen without the break
One week down, three to go
I'll be ready
I just hope she's not too afraid
I hope she can choose to love
And not give up on herself
--
No sleepless nights
Because I take enough sleep aids
I don't have to get wasted anymore
But I still think it's be kinda nice
To go from my highest high
To my lowest low
With only a couple days between
I have to fix a part of myself
This is our test
I have to pass my part
--
I fell for her and I let it consume me
So I became dogmatic in my views
And so did she
We each needed something
That the other just couldn't see
But it was all there
We could have given it
If only we had seen what we needed to see
She reacted. I flinched. She got mad. I pulled away
We can make it through this
It's so real, so strong
And yet such a minor problem in the grand scheme
--
So much time
We're still "supposed" to have
And it all comes down to
"Will she be too afraid?"
And my own fear
I need to control it
But some day
I'm going to need her
Whoever "she" is
I hope it's Megan.
--
Is it healthy?
For me to want her
Even if she's spending so much time
With an admitted ass bandit?
Well, of course it is
If she controls herself
Or corrects herself
In the case of a mistake
But why would the option
Of a mistake present itself?
Because she needed
To do this herself
This all makes sense
But what if she uses it
As a constant tool
To test me?
Maybe she won't
But even if she does
I have to find out
I can't be too afraid
Because I will go through this
All over again
In order for us
To really be happy
We were just getting there
Through the "growing pains"
That any couple
Will face together
Through so much
And at the last moment
When it really mattered
This happened
I still believe in her
I still have faith in us
All this pain was needed
To remind us what love is worth
And if this is it
If it's really the end
Then I will always carry with me
The happiness we shared
--
She had to work so hard for me
And yet when she finally succeeded
I fell too hard
All the things
We thought I would be missing
Just weren't there
She really did become
All I needed in a girl
I don't know if this is because
She really IS THAT great
Or because I learned to let go
That I didn't need to escape
If my reality really was that good
--
This is strange
How writing this helps me
It is probably
Too much to post
But I should do it anyway
Just to remind me
How far I will have come
From the time these were written
--
A thought
What if this experience
Just sticks
In the back of her mind
And prevents her
From ever feeling content
With me again
Even though
She can't find a way
To truly blame me for it?
--
She's so beautiful
In ways she'll never know
Inside and out
But at least on the outside
We got a beautiful picture
That I'll probably never see
I won't get to keep it with me
It was so great.
--
"There IS no beer"
12-21-2006
Thoughts from week 1 (a little delayed)
--
How can she be gone?
I just needed her to love me
To care about my feelings
To help me face my fears
To tell me that everything would be okay
But she couldn't
And so I couldn't let go
The way I needed to
And now we deny ourselves our love
But it's not going away
I always trusted her
It was never about that
I wonder if she
Will ever understand
--
I've never had a Christmas with a girlfriend
This was going to be the first time
It would have been great
But I know this had to happen the way it did
And I'm even beginning to see why
We may not make it through this
But if we do, we're going to be so fucking great
I'm still unsure how to handle the reconnection
Should we be physical if she doesn't think we can make it?
Does she have to fall for me all over again?
Or will I have to break away completely
For fear of losing myself in her?
--
We just tried to do it all too fast
She felt suffocated; I felt insecure
This is no reason to break us
I know she's messing around now
Or I'm pretty sure at least
And I understand - I forgive her
This tells me something that actually surprises me
She could have cheated, and I could have forgiven her
Well, maybe not then, but now
Because it wouldn't be worth it to lose her
Am I just addicted to her?
I still need more time to know the truth
--
"I can fix it all. I KNOW I can"
What had happened to me?
I was willing to promise the impossible
Just to have her with me again
But it was only because I knew
That we really could still do it
And I was partially right, about the "switch" that I could throw
But I forgot about myself in the conversation
I needed her, too, and she wasn't prepared to handle that
We have to proceed slowly, and I think, in the end
We can still make it
Unless she's just too afraid to choose love
And chooses meaningless, empty substitutes instead
--
Did I expect too much of her?
Or did she just decide not to try?
I know she had too much to handle just then
And I was the only thing that she could eject
But now we're apart
And this world is not right
For me or for her, I can still feel it
She's trying to justify why she hurts herself
But I know the truth
We still need each other, but is that healthy?
Did one of us let the other down?
Or should we have known?
--
I made myself okay on my own
And it was really only then that I could truly find love
And I know that I should be able to show my true heart
But I really couldn't do it just then
If I had told her, it would have stressed her
And she would have left me
I know because she told me so
Does this mean that she is just too weak?
Or even if it does, should I have not seen that?
Should I have known to back off a bit?
Would that have prevented this break?
Or would it have just been worse later?
At least I could have found out
This is just wrong
Empty
--
So many things I want to tell her
And yet I may never get the chance
Someone said to me today "I'm not énkoténkoténko"
She'd think that was funny shit
Maybe another time
Or maybe we won't even really talk again
What if she's truly shutting me out
Out of her mind, out of her heart
And yet I still love her
I'm getting better - I really am
I don't feel obsessive well, maybe a little
I associate her with love
I associate her with sex
It's so hard not to think about her
All the time
I have this problem, and I can't escape it
I have to think things through to such an extreme
She has to ignore it until it settles in her mind
It's so hard to give her the space
But I know she really needs it
I've realized several things
That I couldn't have seen without the break
One week down, three to go
I'll be ready
I just hope she's not too afraid
I hope she can choose to love
And not give up on herself
--
No sleepless nights
Because I take enough sleep aids
I don't have to get wasted anymore
But I still think it's be kinda nice
To go from my highest high
To my lowest low
With only a couple days between
I have to fix a part of myself
This is our test
I have to pass my part
--
I fell for her and I let it consume me
So I became dogmatic in my views
And so did she
We each needed something
That the other just couldn't see
But it was all there
We could have given it
If only we had seen what we needed to see
She reacted. I flinched. She got mad. I pulled away
We can make it through this
It's so real, so strong
And yet such a minor problem in the grand scheme
--
So much time
We're still "supposed" to have
And it all comes down to
"Will she be too afraid?"
And my own fear
I need to control it
But some day
I'm going to need her
Whoever "she" is
I hope it's Megan.
--
Is it healthy?
For me to want her
Even if she's spending so much time
With an admitted ass bandit?
Well, of course it is
If she controls herself
Or corrects herself
In the case of a mistake
But why would the option
Of a mistake present itself?
Because she needed
To do this herself
This all makes sense
But what if she uses it
As a constant tool
To test me?
Maybe she won't
But even if she does
I have to find out
I can't be too afraid
Because I will go through this
All over again
In order for us
To really be happy
We were just getting there
Through the "growing pains"
That any couple
Will face together
Through so much
And at the last moment
When it really mattered
This happened
I still believe in her
I still have faith in us
All this pain was needed
To remind us what love is worth
And if this is it
If it's really the end
Then I will always carry with me
The happiness we shared
--
She had to work so hard for me
And yet when she finally succeeded
I fell too hard
All the things
We thought I would be missing
Just weren't there
She really did become
All I needed in a girl
I don't know if this is because
She really IS THAT great
Or because I learned to let go
That I didn't need to escape
If my reality really was that good
--
This is strange
How writing this helps me
It is probably
Too much to post
But I should do it anyway
Just to remind me
How far I will have come
From the time these were written
--
A thought
What if this experience
Just sticks
In the back of her mind
And prevents her
From ever feeling content
With me again
Even though
She can't find a way
To truly blame me for it?
--
She's so beautiful
In ways she'll never know
Inside and out
But at least on the outside
We got a beautiful picture
That I'll probably never see
I won't get to keep it with me
It was so great.
--
"There IS no beer"
12-21-2006
*pluck*
She wants to date other people
*pluck* She doesn't want to date other people
*pluck* She wants to date other people
*pluck* She doesn't want to date other people
Because it *IS* dating. No way around that one.
Her decision will decide everything.
I'll find out Friday night.
Or maybe Thursday. As much as I want to ask for her decision after a happy day, I'm not sure that I'll be able to sleep with her on Thursday without knowing for sure.
See, she still thinks that I don't trust her.
It's not like that. I trust her COMPLETELY. I just don't want to be in a relationship where she's out dating other guys. I LOVE HER. And I need her to be on the same page.
He wants to be with you, M. He wants you to be his. IT'S A DATE.
If she wants to do it again, it's a betrayal of the trust which I have shown her.
She has to want this too. I can't force it on her. This may be our biggest hurdle, because we've never explicitly established the parameters of our relationship. I think we'll be okay, but of course, she will make the ultimate decision.
*note* - This post was not made during a fit of anxiety, jealousy, or any other form of personal mental issue. It is entirely truthfully thought out. Thank you for noticing.
-MXV
*pluck* She doesn't want to date other people
*pluck* She wants to date other people
*pluck* She doesn't want to date other people
Because it *IS* dating. No way around that one.
Her decision will decide everything.
I'll find out Friday night.
Or maybe Thursday. As much as I want to ask for her decision after a happy day, I'm not sure that I'll be able to sleep with her on Thursday without knowing for sure.
See, she still thinks that I don't trust her.
It's not like that. I trust her COMPLETELY. I just don't want to be in a relationship where she's out dating other guys. I LOVE HER. And I need her to be on the same page.
He wants to be with you, M. He wants you to be his. IT'S A DATE.
If she wants to do it again, it's a betrayal of the trust which I have shown her.
She has to want this too. I can't force it on her. This may be our biggest hurdle, because we've never explicitly established the parameters of our relationship. I think we'll be okay, but of course, she will make the ultimate decision.
*note* - This post was not made during a fit of anxiety, jealousy, or any other form of personal mental issue. It is entirely truthfully thought out. Thank you for noticing.
-MXV
Well, today has been very interesting indeed.
First, it was an almost opposite of how I was feeling 2 days ago in the middle of typing up my blog here. It was like NOTHING could bother me ALL DAY. I wasn't worried about anything, and I wasn't even feeling like my normal "bluuugh, but I'm okay anyway" self. It was almost like I was afterglowing, or like I had just gotten saved all over again. But probably even better than that.
I got to wondering is this perhaps what it's like for other people out there, who don't have anxiety? Because today it was just gone entirely. Maybe even on the OTHER side, as things that perhaps should be on my mind just weren't. I was just content in my little world, and M had a lot to do with that I'm sure.
So I paid my ticket, and met an unfortunately boring girl there. Didn't bother me; at least I took the initiative to find out. There aren't enough cool people out there, and I wonder how many I miss because, like most people, I may be too timid to initiate a conversation with a complete stranger.
Anyway, I was driving to my job, and the sunset was so beautiful. The way the light hit the clouds and created a swirling contrast against the deepening sky and snowcapped mountains... just so peaceful. All the colors, even in general, stood out a little more to me than usual. Even the damned buildings looked nice.
I'm just in such a happy place right now. I'm not afraid, twisted around, or whatever else. I'm happy. Just knowing that she's there. I think about it, and the way I've been feeling today could very well be the happiest that I've ever been.
It's amazing how much beauty there is in the world, in so many places, that you just never recognize unless you're in the right place to see it. The most normal shit can be a delight if you're okay in every other way. It's kinda weird, actually.
But the point is she makes this planet worth living on. It may be a ridiculous thought, but as I was driving down the freeway, just looking around and thinking of her, it was certainly true then. And I'm not about to recant it now.
As we know, sometimes certain things can hit me differently based on the mood I'm in. M still insists that X3 was completely horrible. And maybe it was, but despite its flaws, I got something from it. Maybe mood, or my preconceptions that it was GOING to suck, had something to do with it.
So M didn't have a problem talking to me about how her little excursion with A went. I knew she wouldn't.
Oh yeah, she didn't actually have plans today, so I got to talk to her. Made the day even better.
So I did have to ask my little prying follow-up questions, but it turns out that everything went fine until the very end. It's probably a good thing that I heard this today, when I could take it in light, but Alex really did cross the line with a couple things he said.
Things like: he kinda wishes he had met her sooner and he doesn't know if he really wants to know what might happen or what might possibly be between them.
Man, you just had to do that. *sigh* M told him straight up that nothing is going to happen. Good for her. What he said is not only extremely inappropriate, but it shows an incredible neediness from him that might ironicly be a Megan repellant anyway. I don't think she's in the mindset to be getting interested in guys who try to move in on girls with boyfriends. I mean, he deliberately threw out the "feelers" on her. That's just not cool.
He called her again and tried to convince her to go to Disneyland with him. She was busy then, but she told me that she is going to have a talk with him and tell him that he has to back off.
Now, I don't want to over-react, but it's possible that he messed up being able to hang with her, just the 2 of them, all together. It may depend on whether he really can back WAY the fuck off. If he can, maybe it will be okay. Maybe he's jus a very troubled man who said something very stupid.
Again, this is TODAY, and I'm thinking that. Am I thinking clearly now? Or too lenient? It's most likely that he'll be trying to be on her "waiting list" of sorts either way. I'm not sure what I think of that. Eh...
Well, whatever. I think M is happy enough with me that she won't have a big problem ditching his ass if he proves to be obsessing. It's not healthy for HIM, let alone being weird on her.
It is unfortunate, though. He might be an okay friend for her besides that immediate issue. I was thinking that if he WAS cool, maybe I could hang with him as well.
I'm not sure yet if I still think it would be a good idea to hang with him. If it's not good for me, then it's probably not good for her either. So that's something to think about another time.
The important things are that a) I wasn't all tripping, and b) M told me straight up that she's going to take the initiative to handle it.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully he doesn't make their interactions awkward. But M can handle a lot of awkwardness without having a problem, so that might be fine anyway.
Something else that came up actually did bother me a bit at first. Her "weekend" right before Christmas will be spent in Vegas with some family. Her dad had said that she could invite me along, and she doesn't want me to go.
While at first that seemed like a slap in the face, she really did have a good enough reason for it. We'll have to find a time around that. She needs to go, and she needs to handle it as a family thing. It's cool.
What an interesting day, eh? Well, I have to get to sleep so that I can see if I feel weird all of a sudden tomorrow (I probably won't, and only likely WILL if M has trouble telling A he'd better step back).
What's also weird is that until the very end, it was all fine. I was thinking "Well, okay, maybe he's cool then". Nope. Eh, that's how things go, I guess. M was great in helping me overcome some of my inner shit which may not have been plaguing me today, but I'll bet it's still there.
If anyone is reading this at any time take notice of this thought. It is possible to stay true to yourself while accepting the differences of others. Even if it's someone you love. If you're true to yourself, and what you believe is right and wrong and assume that you are enough for the one you're with you'll see how easy it can be for them to prove you correct. And if they prove you INCORRECT, well, then they aren't right for you, and that would have made itself apparent anyway.
Take what's there each day. Going crazy over what MIGHT happen next week only interferes with being your best self when things would otherwise be fine.
Expect the one you're with to be open with you about anything. If they don't, then there's a problem. But if they ARE, then the only problem is if you let your insecurities get the best of you.
Once again, thoughts that seem to be SO freaking obvious, and yet they may never truly click until you go through certain experiences yourself.
M and I are great. And I have a feeling that we're going to be great for a long while to come. She makes me happy, and when I'm happy I make her feel the same way.
Food is giving me that look again, so I should probably get going now.
Peace out,
-MXV
First, it was an almost opposite of how I was feeling 2 days ago in the middle of typing up my blog here. It was like NOTHING could bother me ALL DAY. I wasn't worried about anything, and I wasn't even feeling like my normal "bluuugh, but I'm okay anyway" self. It was almost like I was afterglowing, or like I had just gotten saved all over again. But probably even better than that.
I got to wondering is this perhaps what it's like for other people out there, who don't have anxiety? Because today it was just gone entirely. Maybe even on the OTHER side, as things that perhaps should be on my mind just weren't. I was just content in my little world, and M had a lot to do with that I'm sure.
So I paid my ticket, and met an unfortunately boring girl there. Didn't bother me; at least I took the initiative to find out. There aren't enough cool people out there, and I wonder how many I miss because, like most people, I may be too timid to initiate a conversation with a complete stranger.
Anyway, I was driving to my job, and the sunset was so beautiful. The way the light hit the clouds and created a swirling contrast against the deepening sky and snowcapped mountains... just so peaceful. All the colors, even in general, stood out a little more to me than usual. Even the damned buildings looked nice.
I'm just in such a happy place right now. I'm not afraid, twisted around, or whatever else. I'm happy. Just knowing that she's there. I think about it, and the way I've been feeling today could very well be the happiest that I've ever been.
It's amazing how much beauty there is in the world, in so many places, that you just never recognize unless you're in the right place to see it. The most normal shit can be a delight if you're okay in every other way. It's kinda weird, actually.
But the point is she makes this planet worth living on. It may be a ridiculous thought, but as I was driving down the freeway, just looking around and thinking of her, it was certainly true then. And I'm not about to recant it now.
As we know, sometimes certain things can hit me differently based on the mood I'm in. M still insists that X3 was completely horrible. And maybe it was, but despite its flaws, I got something from it. Maybe mood, or my preconceptions that it was GOING to suck, had something to do with it.
So M didn't have a problem talking to me about how her little excursion with A went. I knew she wouldn't.
Oh yeah, she didn't actually have plans today, so I got to talk to her. Made the day even better.
So I did have to ask my little prying follow-up questions, but it turns out that everything went fine until the very end. It's probably a good thing that I heard this today, when I could take it in light, but Alex really did cross the line with a couple things he said.
Things like: he kinda wishes he had met her sooner and he doesn't know if he really wants to know what might happen or what might possibly be between them.
Man, you just had to do that. *sigh* M told him straight up that nothing is going to happen. Good for her. What he said is not only extremely inappropriate, but it shows an incredible neediness from him that might ironicly be a Megan repellant anyway. I don't think she's in the mindset to be getting interested in guys who try to move in on girls with boyfriends. I mean, he deliberately threw out the "feelers" on her. That's just not cool.
He called her again and tried to convince her to go to Disneyland with him. She was busy then, but she told me that she is going to have a talk with him and tell him that he has to back off.
Now, I don't want to over-react, but it's possible that he messed up being able to hang with her, just the 2 of them, all together. It may depend on whether he really can back WAY the fuck off. If he can, maybe it will be okay. Maybe he's jus a very troubled man who said something very stupid.
Again, this is TODAY, and I'm thinking that. Am I thinking clearly now? Or too lenient? It's most likely that he'll be trying to be on her "waiting list" of sorts either way. I'm not sure what I think of that. Eh...
Well, whatever. I think M is happy enough with me that she won't have a big problem ditching his ass if he proves to be obsessing. It's not healthy for HIM, let alone being weird on her.
It is unfortunate, though. He might be an okay friend for her besides that immediate issue. I was thinking that if he WAS cool, maybe I could hang with him as well.
I'm not sure yet if I still think it would be a good idea to hang with him. If it's not good for me, then it's probably not good for her either. So that's something to think about another time.
The important things are that a) I wasn't all tripping, and b) M told me straight up that she's going to take the initiative to handle it.
We'll see how it goes. Hopefully he doesn't make their interactions awkward. But M can handle a lot of awkwardness without having a problem, so that might be fine anyway.
Something else that came up actually did bother me a bit at first. Her "weekend" right before Christmas will be spent in Vegas with some family. Her dad had said that she could invite me along, and she doesn't want me to go.
While at first that seemed like a slap in the face, she really did have a good enough reason for it. We'll have to find a time around that. She needs to go, and she needs to handle it as a family thing. It's cool.
What an interesting day, eh? Well, I have to get to sleep so that I can see if I feel weird all of a sudden tomorrow (I probably won't, and only likely WILL if M has trouble telling A he'd better step back).
What's also weird is that until the very end, it was all fine. I was thinking "Well, okay, maybe he's cool then". Nope. Eh, that's how things go, I guess. M was great in helping me overcome some of my inner shit which may not have been plaguing me today, but I'll bet it's still there.
If anyone is reading this at any time take notice of this thought. It is possible to stay true to yourself while accepting the differences of others. Even if it's someone you love. If you're true to yourself, and what you believe is right and wrong and assume that you are enough for the one you're with you'll see how easy it can be for them to prove you correct. And if they prove you INCORRECT, well, then they aren't right for you, and that would have made itself apparent anyway.
Take what's there each day. Going crazy over what MIGHT happen next week only interferes with being your best self when things would otherwise be fine.
Expect the one you're with to be open with you about anything. If they don't, then there's a problem. But if they ARE, then the only problem is if you let your insecurities get the best of you.
Once again, thoughts that seem to be SO freaking obvious, and yet they may never truly click until you go through certain experiences yourself.
M and I are great. And I have a feeling that we're going to be great for a long while to come. She makes me happy, and when I'm happy I make her feel the same way.
Food is giving me that look again, so I should probably get going now.
Peace out,
-MXV
FEBRUARY 2011
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JANUARY 2011
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DECEMBER 2010
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NOVEMBER 2010