Reload


Sometimes turmoil just loves to compound itself with an everincreasing number of additional layers. And of course, with a layer of chocolate syrup on top sp that it looks appealing to anyone else unfamiliar with the details. It's as if it isn't happy enough throwing the biggest monkey at you that you've ever seen. In fact, sometimes I'd about swear that life is "out there" LOOKING for ways to become angry. Maybe it thinks it's fun.

I suppose I find that amusing, though that may be because humor is my preferred response, as opposed to perhaps depression or else just channeling that same anger right back into other individuals. It can be difficult walking the line of balance between being the truly caring individual that I am, and having to say "Wait a second, bitch! You steppin' on my toes!" I suppose people don't always understand this, but it's something I try to maintain.

Although, as I have seen far too many times, the person who reveals themselves as giving even the slightest fuck about anyone else suddenly becomes a target to those who enjoy living in pain and fear. My honesty can be my enemy, and the fact that I stand by what I mean and who I really am ... can be my enemy. But what else am I going to do? I suppose I'll have to choose this enemy and accept it, because there is no way that I'm going to turn my back on it now.

Some people will think what they may. It's fun to throw attacks and accusations around if it distracts from the real issues of personal growth and spiritual development. Great fun to bring somebody else down. Let's all jump on the bandwagon of paranoia, shall we? Let's all lie and cheat in order to protect ourselves. Let's throw the same shit at everyone else. Let's hold massive grudges about things that we cannot change. Let's assume the worst in people in order that the one who hurts us the most is ourselves.

No. If being a person of light means that the darkness will attampt to penetrate in any possible way, then I suppose that is the price I'll have to pay. There are those who allow temselves to be controlled by fear and neediness. Perhaps even most. But where does that get us?

When we betray ourselves so that we become an amalgamation of what others WANT us to be (weak, insecure, conforming, heartless), then we have to ask ourselves what in the fuck we were to begin with. Was it much? Anything of real value? Will it be now? We still have a choice, so long as we recognize that fact.

So many people either refuse to be happy, or else they simply give up and expect everyone else to do the same. What's difficult is when you cannot see these things about people until it is too late. Was it there from the beginning? Was it obvious?

Well, perhaps it was. Perhaps Cetandi is right, and I always see the best in people, even when that blinds me in naivete. Fair enough, but where precisely is the balance then? Most people seem to see in others what they truly feel about themselves. Those who accuse others of being manipulative are often times manipulative themselves. What mirror do I wish to hold up to the world? What looking glass am I going to use when I look into somebody's heart? The one which tells me everything I fear about my own self, or the one which sees the pure soul deep beneath the surface?

It's a tough call, in some ways, when you see the results of blind idealism. But just the fact that this question should even be asked AT ALL is the real concern to me. Should we really have to overthink and analyze which sort of looking glass we should be using? Why not the one that comes natural to us? Why not find the beauty in people rather than tearing them down?

People are amazed at times how "understanding" I can be. Well, let them, I say. It's the mirror I choose to carry. Look into it, and see for once if there's anything worthy in yourself. See why I care, even though you may have denied yourself any light for however many years since you let yourself believe that everyone was worthless. Take a close look, and realize this:

We're all going to die. That's right. In many ways, we're already dead. Why do we carry on as if this isn't true?

I mean, fuck. Is this all we know how to do as humans? Destroy each other just because we can? Or try to destroy the one you think can't be destroyed? Hell, maybe this is why I being so much bullcrap into my life. I'm a "challenge". Gotta make me fall in line.

Yay.

:-)



-MXV