I wonder if anybody notices that when she walks into the room I smile. I sure hope this isn't happening again. It's the last thing I need right now.
People have always trusted me to help solve their problems. Maybe I missed my calling as a therapist. So far this week three people, yes three, have asked my advice on situations they have going on right now. One of them lives in my apartment complex and I don't even know him. I was just getting home from work Wednesday morning and the dude is sitting on the stairs outside my apt. smoking a cigarette. It turns out he lives above me. I just give him a casual "Hey." It wasn't even a greeting so much as it was an acknowledgement out of habit.
I had just gotten of the gym at our station so I have on these comfortable uniform shorts that are used for exercise, a navy blue t-shirt, and my department hat. He's obviously been up all night and most likely had just stopped drinking prior to his going out for a cigarette.
He says "Hey man, you work for Phoenix?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"Cool, man." And so begins a fifteen minute conversation that I'm going to have with this guy.
He asks me about, and I shit you not (no pun intended), blood in his stool. He describes it so I tell him it could be anything from hemorrhoids to a fissure to a diverticular disease to cancer. I told him to go a doctor and have it checked out. He says that he already has and the doctor said it was hemorrhoids but he just wants a second opinion. I said there's no way to check without me sticking a finger in his ass but that I don't know him that well to perform that procedure. He missed the humor.
Now, I'm already in a slightly uncomfortable position. I'm just about to bid farewell when he offers a beer (most likely because after sharing a beer I would know him well enough to check his rectum.) I tell him that I'm just about to hit the sack and I really can't have one right now. The slight pause I gave when he asked (I really did want a beer) must have appeared as an invitation for more questions because he asks me about his girlfriend. He wants to marry her but she has kids from another guy and they constantly fight but they've been together for three years and he takes care of them and blah blah blah. I just kind of stand there waiting for him to go on. He takes a swig of his brew and says "Well?" as if he asked me a fucking question. So I give him the old "Well what?" Take that Mr. Drunk-On-the-Stairs! How do you like that shit? "Well, should I marry her?"
Hold on. Time out. Asking me about a medical condition happening in or near your ass and asking me about what i think about marriage are on two totally different playing fields. Speaking about your ass I can give you a checklist of things it may be but I'm gonna tell you to go see a doctor. Speaking about your marriage situation is totally different. I felt awkward giving my best friend advice about him getting married and I'd know the motherfucker for seven years. I've know you for less than five minutes and you want to ask me about marriage?
Of course being the bleeding-heart fucktard that I am i launch into it with him. I run through the usual questions: Do you love her? Do you love the kids? Is it fun for the most part? Does she love you? All the answers this guy give me point out that these two should be joined together in holy matrimony--or at least share an apt.
So i switch it around and answer him with "If i were in your position..." I go through my little spiel and he just looks at me.
"That's what I was fucking thinking, bro. Thanks, man." Glad I could be of help.
The other questions were:
Phoenix and Sun City both offered me jobs so which should I take? (Phoenix)
My old boyfriend is calling me up and he wants to try again so what should I tell him? (Fuck him, he's a douchebag. I've met him, I didn't like him, and I don't like the way he treats you. Tell him that he missed out on a great opportunity the first time around and that you have better things to do than wait for him to become a good boyfriend.)
Now, if I could just figure out my own fucking situations I'd be set.
People have always trusted me to help solve their problems. Maybe I missed my calling as a therapist. So far this week three people, yes three, have asked my advice on situations they have going on right now. One of them lives in my apartment complex and I don't even know him. I was just getting home from work Wednesday morning and the dude is sitting on the stairs outside my apt. smoking a cigarette. It turns out he lives above me. I just give him a casual "Hey." It wasn't even a greeting so much as it was an acknowledgement out of habit.
I had just gotten of the gym at our station so I have on these comfortable uniform shorts that are used for exercise, a navy blue t-shirt, and my department hat. He's obviously been up all night and most likely had just stopped drinking prior to his going out for a cigarette.
He says "Hey man, you work for Phoenix?"
"Yes, sir, I do."
"Cool, man." And so begins a fifteen minute conversation that I'm going to have with this guy.
He asks me about, and I shit you not (no pun intended), blood in his stool. He describes it so I tell him it could be anything from hemorrhoids to a fissure to a diverticular disease to cancer. I told him to go a doctor and have it checked out. He says that he already has and the doctor said it was hemorrhoids but he just wants a second opinion. I said there's no way to check without me sticking a finger in his ass but that I don't know him that well to perform that procedure. He missed the humor.
Now, I'm already in a slightly uncomfortable position. I'm just about to bid farewell when he offers a beer (most likely because after sharing a beer I would know him well enough to check his rectum.) I tell him that I'm just about to hit the sack and I really can't have one right now. The slight pause I gave when he asked (I really did want a beer) must have appeared as an invitation for more questions because he asks me about his girlfriend. He wants to marry her but she has kids from another guy and they constantly fight but they've been together for three years and he takes care of them and blah blah blah. I just kind of stand there waiting for him to go on. He takes a swig of his brew and says "Well?" as if he asked me a fucking question. So I give him the old "Well what?" Take that Mr. Drunk-On-the-Stairs! How do you like that shit? "Well, should I marry her?"
Hold on. Time out. Asking me about a medical condition happening in or near your ass and asking me about what i think about marriage are on two totally different playing fields. Speaking about your ass I can give you a checklist of things it may be but I'm gonna tell you to go see a doctor. Speaking about your marriage situation is totally different. I felt awkward giving my best friend advice about him getting married and I'd know the motherfucker for seven years. I've know you for less than five minutes and you want to ask me about marriage?
Of course being the bleeding-heart fucktard that I am i launch into it with him. I run through the usual questions: Do you love her? Do you love the kids? Is it fun for the most part? Does she love you? All the answers this guy give me point out that these two should be joined together in holy matrimony--or at least share an apt.
So i switch it around and answer him with "If i were in your position..." I go through my little spiel and he just looks at me.
"That's what I was fucking thinking, bro. Thanks, man." Glad I could be of help.
The other questions were:
Phoenix and Sun City both offered me jobs so which should I take? (Phoenix)
My old boyfriend is calling me up and he wants to try again so what should I tell him? (Fuck him, he's a douchebag. I've met him, I didn't like him, and I don't like the way he treats you. Tell him that he missed out on a great opportunity the first time around and that you have better things to do than wait for him to become a good boyfriend.)
Now, if I could just figure out my own fucking situations I'd be set.
Stupid question: Does anybody here like drownings?
Well, neither do I. Yet for some reason we had three on Father's Day--in an hour-and-a-half. Now, I was expecting some retarded shit to happen on Father's Day. Anytime a large group of family members gets together in one area heart attacks happen. Assaults and overdoses are common also but heart attacks fly around like no other. But three fucking drownings--in an hour-and-a-half? Fucking stupid.
It's strange how many people still don't have fences around their pools. It's just fucking insane. Don't have kids? I don't care. Put a fence around around that murky-ass puddle of water. Kids like to hop fences and go swimming when people aren't home. Then they drown. It happens and we're only going to have more because more kids move here every year. It's supposed to 110 degrees today. That means that more people are going to be swimming which only means that we are going to have more drownings.
The type of drowning depends on the time of day and week. During the week it's the 5-13 year-old "Afterschool" drowner. The kind that's not supposed to be swimming while their parents are away but decides that they are grown-up enough to do it anyways. Guess what could prevent most of these. A big-ass fence with a lock. A simple solution yet one that is overlooked quite often. During the weekend it's the "Family Picnic" drowner. Normally younger child who gets overlooked by all of the relatives getting sloshed around the pool. These are normally left in the care of the 13 year-old older sister or brother who is too busy hitting on/being hit on by the horny 3rd cousin first-removed on their mother's side. These are a fucking blast. Twenty people on fucking cell phones calling to tell us a kid is drowning yet nobody has bothered to jump in and pull them out. At night on the weekends it's the "Sloshed and Swimming" drowner. Normally 16 or older and definitely too drunk to try to brush their teeth, let alone, try to pull laps in the pool. These are the ones that quite often do not make it because everybody around them is also severely fucked and they are left to fend for themselves while the rest of the party does kegstands.
I know that not all drownings can be prevented but for the most part a great majority of them can. So please, watch the little fuckers around water, don't drink and swim, and put a fence around the fucking pool.
***just got home from work 0700 on 062206***
I'm not a religious person whatsoever. People who work where I do are, for the most part, believers in a higher power or entity. Well, it's times like this morning that life would be slightly easier if I did have that entity to fall back on for comfort.
The kid is five years old. He suffers from chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction. His intestines can't properly move food around his digestive system. At around 0600 his parents call us to say he's not breathing, his pulse is non-existent, he feels cold, and his G-tube was pulled out (a G-tube is a tube inserted into the stomach to provide nutrition while he sleeps.) His parents know CPR so they start it. The whole time we're waiting to get on scene we can hear the mom in the back praying. Fucking heartbreaking. We get there and the kid is a code (no pulse, breathing, etc.) The ambulance takes off for Del Webb Hospital and they have about 10 minutes before they get there. Halfway there the medic of the engine who ran on him asks to have a chaplain meet the family at the hospital.
I'll never find out how the kid fared. I almost don't want to know. If you're religious or into prayer keep this kid in your thoughts. He needs all the help he can get.
I'm glad I have the night off. I fucking need it.
KOA519
*** just woke up 0730 on 062306 ***
I'm a douche. To everybody I called out to go hang yesterday and everybody I sent messages to asking them to roll: I'm sorry. I fell asleep last night at around 645pm and just woke up a few ago. I had trouble sleeping yesterday but that's no excuse! I wanted to see Metalhead.
Well, neither do I. Yet for some reason we had three on Father's Day--in an hour-and-a-half. Now, I was expecting some retarded shit to happen on Father's Day. Anytime a large group of family members gets together in one area heart attacks happen. Assaults and overdoses are common also but heart attacks fly around like no other. But three fucking drownings--in an hour-and-a-half? Fucking stupid.
It's strange how many people still don't have fences around their pools. It's just fucking insane. Don't have kids? I don't care. Put a fence around around that murky-ass puddle of water. Kids like to hop fences and go swimming when people aren't home. Then they drown. It happens and we're only going to have more because more kids move here every year. It's supposed to 110 degrees today. That means that more people are going to be swimming which only means that we are going to have more drownings.
The type of drowning depends on the time of day and week. During the week it's the 5-13 year-old "Afterschool" drowner. The kind that's not supposed to be swimming while their parents are away but decides that they are grown-up enough to do it anyways. Guess what could prevent most of these. A big-ass fence with a lock. A simple solution yet one that is overlooked quite often. During the weekend it's the "Family Picnic" drowner. Normally younger child who gets overlooked by all of the relatives getting sloshed around the pool. These are normally left in the care of the 13 year-old older sister or brother who is too busy hitting on/being hit on by the horny 3rd cousin first-removed on their mother's side. These are a fucking blast. Twenty people on fucking cell phones calling to tell us a kid is drowning yet nobody has bothered to jump in and pull them out. At night on the weekends it's the "Sloshed and Swimming" drowner. Normally 16 or older and definitely too drunk to try to brush their teeth, let alone, try to pull laps in the pool. These are the ones that quite often do not make it because everybody around them is also severely fucked and they are left to fend for themselves while the rest of the party does kegstands.
I know that not all drownings can be prevented but for the most part a great majority of them can. So please, watch the little fuckers around water, don't drink and swim, and put a fence around the fucking pool.
***just got home from work 0700 on 062206***
I'm not a religious person whatsoever. People who work where I do are, for the most part, believers in a higher power or entity. Well, it's times like this morning that life would be slightly easier if I did have that entity to fall back on for comfort.
The kid is five years old. He suffers from chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction. His intestines can't properly move food around his digestive system. At around 0600 his parents call us to say he's not breathing, his pulse is non-existent, he feels cold, and his G-tube was pulled out (a G-tube is a tube inserted into the stomach to provide nutrition while he sleeps.) His parents know CPR so they start it. The whole time we're waiting to get on scene we can hear the mom in the back praying. Fucking heartbreaking. We get there and the kid is a code (no pulse, breathing, etc.) The ambulance takes off for Del Webb Hospital and they have about 10 minutes before they get there. Halfway there the medic of the engine who ran on him asks to have a chaplain meet the family at the hospital.
I'll never find out how the kid fared. I almost don't want to know. If you're religious or into prayer keep this kid in your thoughts. He needs all the help he can get.
I'm glad I have the night off. I fucking need it.
KOA519
*** just woke up 0730 on 062306 ***
I'm a douche. To everybody I called out to go hang yesterday and everybody I sent messages to asking them to roll: I'm sorry. I fell asleep last night at around 645pm and just woke up a few ago. I had trouble sleeping yesterday but that's no excuse! I wanted to see Metalhead.
So, we're currently on storm deployment right now.
Storm deployment. The words themselves me make me nauseous. They produce a certain level of fright in anybody who has ever had to deal with them. Those two words represent man's inability to cope with nature. When man (in the Phoenix-Metro area) is unable to cope with anything who do they call? Me.
We have storms in AZ but these past couple of little windy things aren't storms. It's just big wind. Deal with it people. People call us because the dust is coming in their door and getting their furniture dirty. First thing that would pop into somebodies head: close the fucking door. But nooooooooo! "I can't close the door because it's getting cooler outside." We all have tradeoffs, lady. A cooler temperature in your residence means dirtier furniture. Or else turn down the AC. It works for me. I can't wait for the monsoons to start. I hope we have a fucked up monsoon season so that when people look back at this year the days when there were some tiny dust storms are viewed as the Golden Ages.
Next up: heat. Heat fucks with people around here. People from all over the US move to Arizona due to the semi-booming economy and the cheaper-than-California (though not necessarily cheap) housing. Of course moving from Chicago to AZ just before the summer hits is not a good idea. It takes a while to acclimate. During the acclimation phase one should try to slowly introduce their frail frames to the scorching weather. Slowly take small walks down the street and back. Then get back in the AC. One should not decide they want to go on a 3-mile jog Mr. New-to-the-Area-From-Chicago. Because when one stops sweating and their body temp jumps through the roof then who gets called? Me--again. Then four guys have to come in a big, red Tonka Toy and save your ass. Not to mention the two in the tinier, red ambulance that have to take your ass to the hospital for being a fucktard. Baby steps, Mr. Chicago.
I do have a soft spot in my heart for the homeless though. I keep a case of bottled water in my trunk and when see a homeless person or homeless people I stop off if I'm able and I give them some water. It makes me feel good, plus it lessens the chance that we'll be running on some homeless person suffering from heat stroke. Nothing causes people to call us faster than a homeless person having a seizure on the sidewalk. That and fires--and car accidents--car accidents with fire. Well, there are a few things that people will call us for faster than a homeless person having a seizure. But seizuring HP are in the top 100--hopefully.
It's Friday which means that tonight we'll have a lot of car wrecks and assaults at various bars. There should be a few people unconscious people in vehicles. People drink alot and then drive and then they always end up passing out at 7-11. It's kind of weird. Always 7-11.
Well, I hope you all have a good time this weekend and in the coming weeks. I'm gonna have to take some time to hang with people from here. It's cool that work keeps me busy as all hell but it sucks that I don't get to see my peeps as often as I'd like.
*****
Fuck yah! Four shootings last night! I love my city.
On another note, the Phoenix Fire Dept Thunder, the football team we have in The National Public Safety Football League, beat the FDNY's Bravest yesterday for the Championship, 31-26. I love my job.
Now, sleepytime.
Storm deployment. The words themselves me make me nauseous. They produce a certain level of fright in anybody who has ever had to deal with them. Those two words represent man's inability to cope with nature. When man (in the Phoenix-Metro area) is unable to cope with anything who do they call? Me.
We have storms in AZ but these past couple of little windy things aren't storms. It's just big wind. Deal with it people. People call us because the dust is coming in their door and getting their furniture dirty. First thing that would pop into somebodies head: close the fucking door. But nooooooooo! "I can't close the door because it's getting cooler outside." We all have tradeoffs, lady. A cooler temperature in your residence means dirtier furniture. Or else turn down the AC. It works for me. I can't wait for the monsoons to start. I hope we have a fucked up monsoon season so that when people look back at this year the days when there were some tiny dust storms are viewed as the Golden Ages.
Next up: heat. Heat fucks with people around here. People from all over the US move to Arizona due to the semi-booming economy and the cheaper-than-California (though not necessarily cheap) housing. Of course moving from Chicago to AZ just before the summer hits is not a good idea. It takes a while to acclimate. During the acclimation phase one should try to slowly introduce their frail frames to the scorching weather. Slowly take small walks down the street and back. Then get back in the AC. One should not decide they want to go on a 3-mile jog Mr. New-to-the-Area-From-Chicago. Because when one stops sweating and their body temp jumps through the roof then who gets called? Me--again. Then four guys have to come in a big, red Tonka Toy and save your ass. Not to mention the two in the tinier, red ambulance that have to take your ass to the hospital for being a fucktard. Baby steps, Mr. Chicago.
I do have a soft spot in my heart for the homeless though. I keep a case of bottled water in my trunk and when see a homeless person or homeless people I stop off if I'm able and I give them some water. It makes me feel good, plus it lessens the chance that we'll be running on some homeless person suffering from heat stroke. Nothing causes people to call us faster than a homeless person having a seizure on the sidewalk. That and fires--and car accidents--car accidents with fire. Well, there are a few things that people will call us for faster than a homeless person having a seizure. But seizuring HP are in the top 100--hopefully.
It's Friday which means that tonight we'll have a lot of car wrecks and assaults at various bars. There should be a few people unconscious people in vehicles. People drink alot and then drive and then they always end up passing out at 7-11. It's kind of weird. Always 7-11.
Well, I hope you all have a good time this weekend and in the coming weeks. I'm gonna have to take some time to hang with people from here. It's cool that work keeps me busy as all hell but it sucks that I don't get to see my peeps as often as I'd like.
*****
Fuck yah! Four shootings last night! I love my city.
On another note, the Phoenix Fire Dept Thunder, the football team we have in The National Public Safety Football League, beat the FDNY's Bravest yesterday for the Championship, 31-26. I love my job.
Now, sleepytime.
It's drowning season, people. I wish people would watch their fucking kids. I'm going back to bed...
It's nice to see friends every once in a while. Even if only for an hour or two. Miss you all.
Sorry I've been such a fucking non-posting asshole lately. But working 64 hours a week put a beating on a motherfucker. It's this damn flu season. People are dropping like fucking flies--from the flu! Well, flu and smog. A combination that will no doubt fuck up those with asthma, bronchitis, emphysema, tuberculosis, and other many other lung-related illnesses.
We had a 1st alarm fire today right near my place. I got off at 7 this morning and on my home I thought I smelled something burning. Then I remembered that North Phoenix was in flames. I was going to go visit the units on scene but I decided to watch a couple episodes of Mr. Show instead. Then I passed the fuck out.
Anyways, I miss y'all. I'll write soon. I promise.
We had a 1st alarm fire today right near my place. I got off at 7 this morning and on my home I thought I smelled something burning. Then I remembered that North Phoenix was in flames. I was going to go visit the units on scene but I decided to watch a couple episodes of Mr. Show instead. Then I passed the fuck out.
Anyways, I miss y'all. I'll write soon. I promise.
Today I had to sign some papers at work due to a hostage situation that happened while I was on the phone.
Lady calls in because her husband hung himself. Well, the fuckwad didn't know how to tie a noose very well because he ended up on the ground as opposed to being suspended above the ground. So now my hanging call turns into a "My husband has a knife and is going to cut his wrist!" call. It then turned into "Well if you kill yourself I'm killing myself too!" It then escalated into "Our three kids are here and they're never going to leave!"
Well, well. What was a simple hanging call has now turned into a nice hostage case. After a good 15 minutes of talking to the guy and his stupid ass wife and telling her to get the fuck out of there and telling him to let her go she finally decides that she doesn't want to kill herself and she takes the three kids and leaves into the hands of the policemen outside who hopefully arrested her ass for child endangerment (she's the fuckwad who said that her kids weren't ever leaving that house.) He ends up giving himself up to police and he only has to treated for a little mark on his neck.
Chandler (where this occurred) PD then calls back to tell our Chief that I helped diffuse a situation that could have ended up much worse. Seriously, I didn't do anything that anybody else up there wouldn't have done. Anybody who would have been put into that position would have done what I did, they probably would have just done it better.
Anyways, I finally get to go see "Walk the Line" tonight. But first, some drinking. Take care all.
And if you're going to try and hang yourself, don't do it in the Phoenix-Metro area. We don't need another hostage situation.
Lady calls in because her husband hung himself. Well, the fuckwad didn't know how to tie a noose very well because he ended up on the ground as opposed to being suspended above the ground. So now my hanging call turns into a "My husband has a knife and is going to cut his wrist!" call. It then turned into "Well if you kill yourself I'm killing myself too!" It then escalated into "Our three kids are here and they're never going to leave!"
Well, well. What was a simple hanging call has now turned into a nice hostage case. After a good 15 minutes of talking to the guy and his stupid ass wife and telling her to get the fuck out of there and telling him to let her go she finally decides that she doesn't want to kill herself and she takes the three kids and leaves into the hands of the policemen outside who hopefully arrested her ass for child endangerment (she's the fuckwad who said that her kids weren't ever leaving that house.) He ends up giving himself up to police and he only has to treated for a little mark on his neck.
Chandler (where this occurred) PD then calls back to tell our Chief that I helped diffuse a situation that could have ended up much worse. Seriously, I didn't do anything that anybody else up there wouldn't have done. Anybody who would have been put into that position would have done what I did, they probably would have just done it better.
Anyways, I finally get to go see "Walk the Line" tonight. But first, some drinking. Take care all.
And if you're going to try and hang yourself, don't do it in the Phoenix-Metro area. We don't need another hostage situation.
Man. I hate becoming way too busy to do anything.
Tonight is Thrice playing with the fucking Bled! It's going to kickass.
So what's new?
Tonight is Thrice playing with the fucking Bled! It's going to kickass.
So what's new?
