i found something to do!



don't act like you're not jealous.

<3

i've been home for about 12 hours now (7 of those were sleeping) and i'm already fucking bored. i fail.

also, you guys remember dial-up? that crappy kind of internet that takes forever that nobody has anymore? yeah, my folks have it. i estimate that it will take about 15 minutes to load this post up. awesome.

i've been making a list of people i could visit over vacation so that i won't kill and cannibalize my family in a desperate act of cabin fever. so far i have about five, but three of them i have no way of getting a hold of. so really, two. god, it's going to be a long christmas break.

My ghost drives around with a bag of dead fish
falling neutrinos drift through the trees
He staggers and reels, runs up credit card bills
and clogs up the toilet with bottles of pills

Here in the bipolar ward
if you shower you get a gold star
but I'm not going far till the Haldol kicks in
until then
until then
I'm strapped to this fucking twin bed
and I won't get any cookies or tea
till I stop quoting Nietzsche
and brush my teeth and comb my hair

Days pass slow in slippers and robe
but my ghost still bangs on the roof
like John the Baptist in the rain
while the nurses play Crazy Eights

i'm totally drunk and giggly right now.

thursday night rocks. for real.

here, have a pictuer.



ps, i spilled whisky on my computer during this entry. wtf, i could have drank that.

i'm back!

home was so much fun. we drove aimlessly in the dark on country roads. we drank whisky with each other, huddling closely next to the bonfire we snuck out to the woods to build. joints were rolled in the denny's parking lot while we played with the stray dog that lives around the local motel. the feeling of slowly freezing earth underneath my shoes and the smell of dying trees was more comforting than i had hoped. as i passed the last lone tree standing in the middle of a brown field on my way back to the city, there was a noticeable pain that leaked into my heart. the city can be fun, but i'll always be a farmer's girl in the end.

oh! and we also saw Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny, which was awesome. Dio was in it!

i'll get to everyone's comments really soon. i'm all tired and shit.

i didn't wrap my head in roses
i didn't run screaming down the street
i didn't drive off jagged cliffs
or dive in roaring seas

i broke no cage door open
i set no horses free
the day the girl at the drive-thru window
softly smiled at me

actually i did nothing
as she handed me a large ice tea
an extra packet of ketchup
a small bag of onion rings

i didn't even smile back at her
just pulled into the street
searching my rear view mirror
to catch her eyes on me

'cause there were cars behind me and i had somewhere else to be

down the street i saw an old man
eating as he drove
running over empty cans
lying in the road

but the billboards near the highway
were full of singing birds
and the trees were blooming green
in their little squares of dirt

every dog chained in every yard
was howling with me
but i didn't even smile back at her
i just pulled into the street

'cause there were cars behind me and i had somewhere else to be

i think i just got stood up.

let the drinking commence!

"It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way. "

- Rollo May

things are feeling much better. tonight i have to run subjects for my lab and then i get to play with baby rats! tomorrow i wake up at dawn and drive three hours north to my hometown. it's always sort of odd coming home now...i remember wanting nothing more than to never see that hell-hole again when i left for college. now that i've stepped away from it, i appreciate it much more. now it is cincinnati that i can't wait to leave. which sort of makes me wonder if that's just how it will always be...nostalgia for past, resentment for present, and hope for future. which i guess could extend to a lot of things in life.

NO MORE RAMBLING.

Papa Legba,
Come and open the gate
Papa Legba,
To the city of camps
Now, we're your children
Come and ride your horse
In the night
In the night
Come and ride your horse

le sigh. sunday night is depressing, a little bit.

i don't have much to say. lots of feelings, but nothing solid to make verbal at this point.

i know i've been all emo and shit on you guys lately, but i promise this will be the last for a while. i feel the cheer-up coming already! i was just startled by how similar this particular song was to what i was saying in my last journal entry. i was also really sort of glad to see how many of you responded about having the same sort of feeling...made me feel a little more normal.

The flames and smoke
Climbed out of every window
And disappeared
With everything that you held dear
And you shed not a single tear
For the things that you didn't need
'Cause you knew you were finally free

'Cause all you see
Is where else you could be when you're at home
Out on the street
Are so many possibilities to not be alone

not much to report. suprise trip to a Death Cab For Cutie concert the other night, which was fun and suprising in all sorts of ways.

so. i feel like a different person since my last entry. i think this is what they mean when they say "paradigm shift."

weird stuff, friends. i feel like i did when i lost my virginity. sort of nervous and excited and oddly calm at the same time. a new declaration of my status as an adult and as a woman.

have you ever wanted to fuck up your life just so you could see things differently for once? there are days when i crave the destruction of all the things i hold dear for the sole reason of seeing what sort of person i would be after it all settled. i sort of have a love affair with thanatos.

i dunno. all i know is that things are weird, and that i feel scared, but i'm ready to fucking rock it.

*air guitar*

up Falling Rock Hill where the leaves swoop like bats
i shot my brother William five times in the back
"have mercy, have mercy, dear brother," he cried
but the wind has no mercy and neither did i

i watched as his blood ran through dead grass
i watched as the black ants crawled through his hands

up Falling Rock Hill, the wind softly moaned
and down, down came i with blood on my clothes
cicadas were hissing and the whippoorwill called
but the earth didn't open and the sky didn't fall

up Falling Rock Hill, the wind softly moans
and black ants they crawl cross my dear brother's bones
wild, red roses tangle the grass
where William, sweet William, his blood once ran

through the dead leaves i walk marked with blood
and wherever i step the night creatures run