PICS
"Ace" (which was only in Member Review for two shakes of a lamb's tail, thanks to you guys!) was shot just a couple months after I met him. I shot in his t-shirt, &thought of him the entire shoot, something I was never compelled to do before him. We were together for another year &a half after that, &then things were rocky. We had ups &downs, went back &forth. A month or two ago, I chose those lyrics as the intro to my set...lyrics that, had I continued typing, would have spelled out exactly where I was, exactly what I felt. But in the last week, I've realized it's a ship that's already sailed.
"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life."
-Oscar Wilde
Oh, if only.
But these shores are lonely &I'm afraid I'll let the tide take me if I keep looking out to sea. Let the wind &the waves carry you where they may, wherever is right, but today is the day I turn my back for good, &walk back into town without a glance over my shoulder.
It's bittersweet, but don't worry about me. This is a good thing, as difficult as it may be.
I'm so lucky to have you all in my life, in all of the ways that I do.
Thank you. <3
Check out "Ace" | Facebook | Instagram: @fuckingdangerous | twitter: @LyxzenSuicide
Cherry shot this set a couple years back, at the Ace Hotel here in Portland. (Fun fact: also shot in this same room were Silencia's "Doll Harem" set and Ajilee's "Study Hour" set. )
Cherry is one of my favorite SG photographers because she works in a way that just seems so effortlessly beautiful. &in a way, I think that it is for her -- she has a true artists' eye. (Almost everything she captures looks like a still from some gorgeous movie!) I feel like I say this with every set that comes out, but I really think it's my favorite set that I've shot to date, for so many reasons.
If you haven't seen it yet, check it out, &just try to tell me Cherry isn't incredible! ("Ace" in Member Review, yo.)
I'm guessing a lot of you agree with me, though:
That's a lot of sweet words &lovely feedback! You guys are just fantastic, &I always appreciate the great things you say. Makes me go like this:
&as always, if we aren't Facebook friends, &all that jazz, here's where you can find me:
Facebook | Instagram: @fuckingdangerous | twitter: @LyxzenSuicide
I wrote paragraphs ¶graphs more, &deleted them. To be a bit more succinct: &I don't know the things you don't wear on your sleeve, don't know the things not sewn in scarlet letters across your chest. But it's okay. So long as I remember this, &you remember that, &we leave a little extra room to be loved in whatever way a stranger can love us.
I'm here. I'm alive. I'm mostly well. &I am loved. (This is my mantra.)
(From an old/new set, shot by Cherry. Keep an eye out for "Ace" in June!)
Facebook | Instagram: @fuckingdangerous | twitter: @LyxzenSuicide
"Be happy for no reason, like a child. If you are happy for a reason, you're in trouble, because that reason can be taken from you."
-Deepak Chopra
I know most of the answers. :/
I need more cheery-uppy things, guys. Lay on the kitten videos, .gifs of animals running into things, photos of Kary Perry's boobs, &whatever else you've got.
Come say hi, okay??
These are the other babes that will be there:
Radeo
Rigel
Silencia
Toxic
Selene
Venus
Dali
Maybe a couple other girls, too! Seriously, I've met almost all of these ladies myself, &if you think they're hot on the website, you're gonna lose your mind, cos they're even more gorgeous in person.
I've been in a weird spot the last few months, asking a lot of questions &searching for answers to questions I haven't yet figured out how to ask. I've laughed &cried &hugged people, all harder than I ever have before. My friends (including a few "internet friends" ) have been there for me in more profound ways than I could have imagined. They've helped pull out the figurative shards of glass &tend to my wounds, or at the very least, bring me bandages when I had none.
I've kept some form of online journal for more than half my life now. Some entries have been rambling lists of weird shit I liked back then, or quotes from songs by bands I don't listen to anymore. Others, though, are things that I don't know how I wrote...Reading through them, I'm not even embarrassed about the majority of them! They're things that are sometimes beautiful &eloquent, &usually a little weird. &even if I don't always remember what or who I was writing about, they still stir something up in me. I wrote these things when I was 17, 19, 22 years old. All of the best ones were far more personal, &those I'll keep for myself, but here are a few I don't mind sharing:
I don't write about soba noodles anymore (well, I guess I just did), but I've reverted back to a secret blog elsewhere. Maybe someday I'll share it...when its'/I'm ready.
For now, I wake up trying to figure out a little more each day. I instinctively want to distract myself from the difficult shit, (Most nights, I can't fall asleep without the tv on.) but maybe I need to wallow a bit, trudge through it instead of walking 'round the perimeter. (Lord, do I need some Wellies.) I do read a lot more, &take down notes &whichever lines make my heart swell the most. I listen to music in a different way, I feel more connected to my friends, &I breathe a little bit deeper for days my breath is shallow. I'm feeling more like myself &simultaneously like I have farther to go than I ever have. Boy am I sorry to the people who read my blogs for the photos these days, haha.
I'm like this &like that &it's really not so hard to figure out, because I'm honest &pretty forthright, &even if there's one thing I think or feel, it's not so hard to make me think &rethink, or even to change my mind, if you do it with conviction. I am so taken aback by this quote, &try as I might, I can't put into words all of the other things I feel about it. Just...yeah.
"Go after her. Fuck, don't sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that's what you should do if you love someone, don't wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don't let people happen to you, don't let me happen to you, or her, she's not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I'd be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can't just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone's idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really."-Harvey Milk
But all the hard work, all the good karma, all the hope &forgiveness &journal entries in the world can't change things, can't make it be the right time, can't change other people.
"If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"-RuPaul
Thailand is really fucking hot.
India is really huge, but Delhi in particular is a crazy juxtaposition of enormous corporate buildings &shanty-town slums.
You will cry a lot, the whole time, really...
So right now, that's where I am. I'm a little better, but my body still aches, my heart aches, &my head spins &rocks at random intervals. My love...well, things were better &now they aren't, &I don't know what to do about that. I don't suppose there's much I can do anymore. I still love him with every ounce of my being &then some, but it's a lost cause if he doesn't feel the same way.
I've got a completely different perspective in so many ways, from appreciating my friends &family, my home, &my country so much more, to feeling calmer &more patient inside. I'm at another crossroads, though. &I have a lot to figure out. All I want is to fast-forward &be happily married, living in an amazing place with enormous windows, &making a generous living petting cats. Why can't that be my reality, eh? 
Facebook | Instagram: @fuckingdangerous | twitter: @LyxzenSuicide
