Toast
I enjoy toast.
In fact, you might say I love toast.
I love toast for many reasons. So many reasons, in fact, that they are difficult to enumerate. I will attempt to do so anyway.
1. It's delicious.
2. I can have it for any meal at any time of the day or night.
These are all the reasons I can think of as to why I love toast.
If you don't like toast, then you should probably stop reading. What follows might best be described as Toast Fawning. I don't know what follows though because I'm still writing it. So really if you keep reading, you do so at your own risk.
I like my toast toasted at the level 3 setting on my toaster.
I like my toast with butter and nothing else. If you like to put other things on your toast, I will not judge you, but I may ask to try a bite and after doing so decide that it does not taste as good as toast that is simply buttered. I believe toast and butter is the only pure way toast can be enjoyed. If you put other things on it, then I might think you are pretentious. This is more a reflection of me than it is of you and your toast habit. I'm sorry.
I once tried Nutella on my toast. I felt ashamed.
I have toasted many types of bread, including French bread (which burns easily) and garlic bread (which stinks up your kitchen). Do not toast garlic bread in your kitchen toaster, guys. It ends sadly.
I cannot remember the first piece of toast I ever had and thus I am lead to believe that I never had a first piece of toast. I was simply born loving toast and I ate it from day one. Doctors did not start me crying by slapping my bottom. The started my crying by first giving me toast and then taking it away from me and then giving it back.
Bagels are also enjoyable but do not count as toast. I'm sorry. On this position I cannot waiver.
Butter can be microwaved. This is an important fact to know about the toasting habits of me.
Sometimes bread is too long to fit in the toaster slots so I have to cut the bread in half. This often occurs with Sheep Herder's Bread. However, sometimes, after cutting the bread in half, it is then too small. Then I feel as though I have been deprived a decent toast slice. But I still enjoy Sheep Herder's Bread.
Cold toast must be eaten out of respect for warm toast, but cold toast is gross so it is a good idea to never let your toast go cold. Seriously. Don't do it.
That's all I have to say about toast.
Thank you for reading.
Good night.
I enjoy toast.
In fact, you might say I love toast.
I love toast for many reasons. So many reasons, in fact, that they are difficult to enumerate. I will attempt to do so anyway.
1. It's delicious.
2. I can have it for any meal at any time of the day or night.
These are all the reasons I can think of as to why I love toast.
If you don't like toast, then you should probably stop reading. What follows might best be described as Toast Fawning. I don't know what follows though because I'm still writing it. So really if you keep reading, you do so at your own risk.
I like my toast toasted at the level 3 setting on my toaster.
I like my toast with butter and nothing else. If you like to put other things on your toast, I will not judge you, but I may ask to try a bite and after doing so decide that it does not taste as good as toast that is simply buttered. I believe toast and butter is the only pure way toast can be enjoyed. If you put other things on it, then I might think you are pretentious. This is more a reflection of me than it is of you and your toast habit. I'm sorry.
I once tried Nutella on my toast. I felt ashamed.
I have toasted many types of bread, including French bread (which burns easily) and garlic bread (which stinks up your kitchen). Do not toast garlic bread in your kitchen toaster, guys. It ends sadly.
I cannot remember the first piece of toast I ever had and thus I am lead to believe that I never had a first piece of toast. I was simply born loving toast and I ate it from day one. Doctors did not start me crying by slapping my bottom. The started my crying by first giving me toast and then taking it away from me and then giving it back.
Bagels are also enjoyable but do not count as toast. I'm sorry. On this position I cannot waiver.
Butter can be microwaved. This is an important fact to know about the toasting habits of me.
Sometimes bread is too long to fit in the toaster slots so I have to cut the bread in half. This often occurs with Sheep Herder's Bread. However, sometimes, after cutting the bread in half, it is then too small. Then I feel as though I have been deprived a decent toast slice. But I still enjoy Sheep Herder's Bread.
Cold toast must be eaten out of respect for warm toast, but cold toast is gross so it is a good idea to never let your toast go cold. Seriously. Don't do it.
That's all I have to say about toast.
Thank you for reading.
Good night.
The Laziest Effin’ Fall TV Preview You Are Likely to Read
By Edward Kelly
I’m a terrible gambler. I don’t mean that I’ve got some sort of problem, I mean literally that I am bad at gambling of any kind. I’ve got no eye for the fast money, I can’t count cards, and more often than not I forget the rules and accepted decorum while playing Poker (I always forget to burn before turning, thus prompting dismissive eye-rolls… sorry, purists). Case in point: I went to the horse races precisely once in my life. You’d think I would win some money on the ponies since there were something like 50 races that day, but no. I lost money on every race and left the track significantly less loaded (with money) but simultaneously significantly more loaded (with booze) so it all evened out, in a way.
Even when I should be good at picking winners, I’m not. For example, I’m a relatively savvy pop culture guy. I have an almost encyclopedic of knowledge movies, television, and comics. Which means that I should be able to call which shows will be good and which shows will be “Bored To Death.” But I’m not. Inevitably, I back the wrong horse and spend a month and a half investing an hour a week in “FlashForward” before realizing I’m watching the flattest, most melodramatic show this side of Lifetime.
So, with the fall TV season rapidly approaching, I’ve decided to do something revolutionary: I will abstain from new shows. Of course, this is a total lie (as you will see in a few paragraphs), since I know for a fact I will be checking out at least two new shows. But I still love what I love and since I’ve annoyed my friends and family with shows they should be watching (sorry, guys), I’ve decided to give them a break for a while (until I get bored at work again) and pester you, faithful reader.
This has a few challenges since I’m not a professional critic nor am I an industry insider in any way, shape, or form. What does this mean for you? Well, it means I’ll recap what I remember about the season finales of my favorite shows and then provide wild totally unsubstantiated predictions for what will happen.
Here goes. I’m going in order of the show’s weekly airdates (so if something airs on Mondays, then that’s what’s first).
“How I Met Your Mother”—Season 6 starts Monday, September 20 on CBS.
The Recap: “HIMYM” is faced with the same question that a lot of the returning comedies raise: has it jumped the shark? Maybe, maybe not. Season 5 teased us with a few mythology developments (Remember when we saw The Mother’s foot? Remember when Ted bought the janky house that will morph into the room where his kids will be forced to sit and listen to the longest story ever?) but also featured some narrative wheel-spinning. The season ended with Lily and Marshall seeking out Barney’s doppleganger as part of a cosmological sign that they should finally have a kid. Spoiler: they found it and, presumably, they will start knocking boots.
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: The Mother is Robin! No, wait, that makes no sense. The Mother is Britney Spears! Still makes no sense. The Mother is Ted, who will be revealed to some sort of bug-like thing that specials is mimicking douche-y New Yorkers and produces offspring asexually! Yeah, that works.
“Modern Family”—Season 2 starts Wednesday, September 22 on ABC.
The Recap: I dug the first season of “Modern Family” quite a bit. I thought it would be another “Office” knock-off, which it kind of was, but managed to carve its own niche through a spirited ensemble cast and writers that know how to steer clear around comedy tropes (or at least disguise them enough so they seem fresh again). Plus, Ty Burrell as inept-but-caring dad Phil Dunphy knocked it out of the park each and every episode. Despite my obvious fandom, I honestly can’t remember how the season ended and this being a lazy-ass preview, I’m not going to look it up. I think they went to Hawaii or something. Or a Laker’s game.
(All right, I caved and looked it up. They all took a family photo together and the red-haired guy tried to kill a bird. Trust me, it was funny.)
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: Phil’s wife, Claire will snap and murder her father, but only after Phil and Luke will go on the lam as a father-son con artists aided by Gloria who will be an working an angle to save her son Manny from a drug cartel. They show will be sold to AMC where it will win 89 Emmys.
“The Big Bang Theory”—Season 4 moves to Thursdays starting September 23.
The Recap: Sheldon and Blossom sitting in a tree, B-E-I-N-G A-W-K-W-A-R-D T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R. Well, that rhyme scheme fell apart pretty quickly didn’t it? Oh well. Anyway, season 3 saw Sheldon meeting up with Miayim Bialick (I don’t know or care if that is spelled correctly) (okay, yes I do, and I was wrong: it’s Mayim Bialick… sorry, Blossom) in what was supposed to be a kinda-sorta first date. Season 3 of “Big Bang” was hit-and-miss for me since the writer’s could not sell the whole Leonard/Penny hook up. Thankfully, the writers were smart enough to see what a talent they have with Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper) and focused a large number of the storylines in him. With Parson’s recent Emmy win, that trend will most likely continue unabated. Unless the dude who played Moist in “Dr. Horrible” suddenly breaks out. Which he won’t, but not because Simon Helberg isn’t talented, but because the universe doesn’t like me
Prediction: Sheldon reveals himself to be a Vulcan, the show veers into campy 60s sci-fi and the sets get even more colorful. Yay, colors!
THAT IS ALL FOR RIGHT NOW. HOPEFULLY I’LL WRITE MORE LATER.
By Edward Kelly
I’m a terrible gambler. I don’t mean that I’ve got some sort of problem, I mean literally that I am bad at gambling of any kind. I’ve got no eye for the fast money, I can’t count cards, and more often than not I forget the rules and accepted decorum while playing Poker (I always forget to burn before turning, thus prompting dismissive eye-rolls… sorry, purists). Case in point: I went to the horse races precisely once in my life. You’d think I would win some money on the ponies since there were something like 50 races that day, but no. I lost money on every race and left the track significantly less loaded (with money) but simultaneously significantly more loaded (with booze) so it all evened out, in a way.
Even when I should be good at picking winners, I’m not. For example, I’m a relatively savvy pop culture guy. I have an almost encyclopedic of knowledge movies, television, and comics. Which means that I should be able to call which shows will be good and which shows will be “Bored To Death.” But I’m not. Inevitably, I back the wrong horse and spend a month and a half investing an hour a week in “FlashForward” before realizing I’m watching the flattest, most melodramatic show this side of Lifetime.
So, with the fall TV season rapidly approaching, I’ve decided to do something revolutionary: I will abstain from new shows. Of course, this is a total lie (as you will see in a few paragraphs), since I know for a fact I will be checking out at least two new shows. But I still love what I love and since I’ve annoyed my friends and family with shows they should be watching (sorry, guys), I’ve decided to give them a break for a while (until I get bored at work again) and pester you, faithful reader.
This has a few challenges since I’m not a professional critic nor am I an industry insider in any way, shape, or form. What does this mean for you? Well, it means I’ll recap what I remember about the season finales of my favorite shows and then provide wild totally unsubstantiated predictions for what will happen.
Here goes. I’m going in order of the show’s weekly airdates (so if something airs on Mondays, then that’s what’s first).
“How I Met Your Mother”—Season 6 starts Monday, September 20 on CBS.
The Recap: “HIMYM” is faced with the same question that a lot of the returning comedies raise: has it jumped the shark? Maybe, maybe not. Season 5 teased us with a few mythology developments (Remember when we saw The Mother’s foot? Remember when Ted bought the janky house that will morph into the room where his kids will be forced to sit and listen to the longest story ever?) but also featured some narrative wheel-spinning. The season ended with Lily and Marshall seeking out Barney’s doppleganger as part of a cosmological sign that they should finally have a kid. Spoiler: they found it and, presumably, they will start knocking boots.
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: The Mother is Robin! No, wait, that makes no sense. The Mother is Britney Spears! Still makes no sense. The Mother is Ted, who will be revealed to some sort of bug-like thing that specials is mimicking douche-y New Yorkers and produces offspring asexually! Yeah, that works.
“Modern Family”—Season 2 starts Wednesday, September 22 on ABC.
The Recap: I dug the first season of “Modern Family” quite a bit. I thought it would be another “Office” knock-off, which it kind of was, but managed to carve its own niche through a spirited ensemble cast and writers that know how to steer clear around comedy tropes (or at least disguise them enough so they seem fresh again). Plus, Ty Burrell as inept-but-caring dad Phil Dunphy knocked it out of the park each and every episode. Despite my obvious fandom, I honestly can’t remember how the season ended and this being a lazy-ass preview, I’m not going to look it up. I think they went to Hawaii or something. Or a Laker’s game.
(All right, I caved and looked it up. They all took a family photo together and the red-haired guy tried to kill a bird. Trust me, it was funny.)
The Wild, Unsubstantiated Prediction: Phil’s wife, Claire will snap and murder her father, but only after Phil and Luke will go on the lam as a father-son con artists aided by Gloria who will be an working an angle to save her son Manny from a drug cartel. They show will be sold to AMC where it will win 89 Emmys.
“The Big Bang Theory”—Season 4 moves to Thursdays starting September 23.
The Recap: Sheldon and Blossom sitting in a tree, B-E-I-N-G A-W-K-W-A-R-D T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R. Well, that rhyme scheme fell apart pretty quickly didn’t it? Oh well. Anyway, season 3 saw Sheldon meeting up with Miayim Bialick (I don’t know or care if that is spelled correctly) (okay, yes I do, and I was wrong: it’s Mayim Bialick… sorry, Blossom) in what was supposed to be a kinda-sorta first date. Season 3 of “Big Bang” was hit-and-miss for me since the writer’s could not sell the whole Leonard/Penny hook up. Thankfully, the writers were smart enough to see what a talent they have with Jim Parsons (Sheldon Cooper) and focused a large number of the storylines in him. With Parson’s recent Emmy win, that trend will most likely continue unabated. Unless the dude who played Moist in “Dr. Horrible” suddenly breaks out. Which he won’t, but not because Simon Helberg isn’t talented, but because the universe doesn’t like me
Prediction: Sheldon reveals himself to be a Vulcan, the show veers into campy 60s sci-fi and the sets get even more colorful. Yay, colors!
THAT IS ALL FOR RIGHT NOW. HOPEFULLY I’LL WRITE MORE LATER.
FEBRUARY 2011
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JANUARY 2011
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DECEMBER 2010
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NOVEMBER 2010