It has been a long long time since I last wrote anything here. Mainly just because i never think I have anything very interesting to write about and that is much the case for this one.

I've been super busy with school, it's stressful but it keeps me busy and my mind occupied so that it doesn't go where it shouldn't. I keep myself involved in new projects which is fun. I also was asked to run a lab which is good for me plus I will be getting paid to do it shortly.

Ive gotten a few new piercings lately, they are all hybrids but they are badass. One is like a reverse PA/apradavya the other is an ampallang but it's two separate bars. They are totally badass, I will post pics soon. It looks like my penis has horns.

I've been hanging out at a church owned coffee shop way to much lately. I am an atheist which makes it even better. The place is nice though and it has a very cool social community which is awesome. I've made a lot of friends there in the year I've been hanging around there.

My bday was two months ago. It was so so. Turning 24 was no big deal, just another day pretty much.

I still don't know why I dont post more blogs, I post in the groups all of the time though. But anyways I will try to make an effort to post more, maybe once a week if I can come u with something. Hope someone reads this though.

Wow, I can't believe that I have updated in almost 2 months.

Well I can't say a ton of things have taken place but I have been busy. School has been super busy. I'm only taking 3 classes, which I have all A's right now, but I'm also working in two psychology research labs on some really neat projects and I'm having a blast doing it. I have already planned the spring semester out and it's looking good. I still have a while to go though before i get my BA but everything worth doing is worth doing right.

I'm making some new friends in classes and at the Coffee Pub. It is nice to meet new people and talk to them. It's been one of my weaknesses for a while.

I've added some new piercings. Both are non traditional placements. The one is a modified PA and the other is a middle ground of an appradavya and a reverse PA. Both were done by the wonderful vaespony, just so happens she is a local piecing apprentice who jumped at the opportunity to shove big needles into very sensitive locations.

I can't really think of anything else right now that is new. But if I think of something I will let you know.

A new blog is in order but it's my bed time so it will have to wait for another day, I will try to do one in the next day or two. Just so you know the last two weeks have been hell for me mentally, the only thing keeping me sane is school believe it or not. I was actually very close to going to the hospital last week, my counselor was very close to getting me to go, but she spent an extra 15 minutes at the end of our session talking to me and making sure I was safe to leave which I thought was really nice, she was generally concerned for my well-being and apologized the next day for not fully evaluating and understanding how bad things are for me which I thought was super awesome but I cant blame her for anything. I did break down in session and cried almost the entire time but it felt good.

I should make this a real update but right now isnt a good time for it. Im in a lot of pain, very tired, cant move around very well, and not in the best of moods, plus Im pretty well medicated. I had my back surgery on friday, spent two days in the hospital and now Im at my moms house which is the part I hate. i get to be with my dog which makes me happy for now, I really want to bring her home with me. But anyways on a good note i haven't cut myself since that first time although the urge has been there. The main reason i didn't do it was because i didn't want all the fresh cuts on me when I went in for surgery since my mom works there and knows all the people, I really didn't need her to find out. I really want to do it again but for now it has to wait. Plus I promised my counselor or atleast I promised I would call her if I got the urge and was about to do it, although I have a feeling that isn't going to happen the first time I really need it at this point. But anyways I'm board as hell sitting here, I dont have any friends down here anymore, not that I have a lot to start with but they all have left here. I just want to get back to Tallahassee even though I'm just going to end up back in school. Im not looking forward to this summer, I get 4 weeks of school total thats it and the first 2 are here. The second 2 is after summer classes and I'm planning on jumping in my truck and going for a road trip to nowhere just to get away for a bit. Once I get back up to Tally I'm going to start looking for a dog, I think having one around will do me a lot of good and calm me down a bit.

Well for now that's all Im going to write I want to lay down and relax for now my back is killing me. I will post a proper blog later on. On a parting note here is something funny that a friend sent me about cats and dogs you should read it, it's very true.

It's been a while, I dont even know where to start. My life has fallen apart around me in the last 2 weeks. The person i trusted the most betrayed me apparently because she was stressed out from school and my problems. She decided she didn't want me around anymore and got an ex parte baker act order on me (for those who dont the baker act is a florida law allowing people to be involuntarily committed for mental evaluations for up 72 hours). I had no warning, two sheriff's deputies knocked on the door and put me in handcuffs and then took me to the hospital. She flat out lied and exagerated her statement on the paper work, It never should have been granted I wasn't even close to needing that. If she had done it 6 weeks ago i wouldnt have questioned it. She just up and decided that I was a danger to myself so she went and did the paperwork. She also tried to get a restraining order on me which was also full of lies and her saying she was afraid of me. For someone who was afraid of me she sure had no problem standing next to me and interacting with me.

The order was denied at the iniital hearing because she couldnt even establish the smallest basis for it. To top it all of they kicked me out of the house, I got let out of the hospital friday afternoon saturday morning I moved to a new place. I trusted her so much, we were such good friends and its all gone now. Being in the hospital sucked. The whole time I was there I was insisting that I didnt need to be there and after two days the doctor agreed but he still held me for the 72 hours. I was having panic attacks because I was there. They made you go to group therapy sessions which were retarded, seriously how is coloring pictures from a coloring book while listening to crappy music supposed be theraputic. All that did was anger me.

Everything is so fucked up know. I just want to crawl in a whole and never come out. I actually sat in my closet for an hour yesterday trying to hide, then I ended up sleeping in it last night. I dont know what to do or how to cope. My old roommates were the only friends I had here, I dont have anyone else to turn to and I have always had trouble making new friends. I sat here alone friday and saturday night and it sucked. I want to be drugged up so that I wont care about anything. To top it all off, between being locked up and the moving and unpacking I lost 5 days of being able to work on school stuff which pretty much fucked me. Im so far behind and there are only two weeks left in the semester. Plus I'm so mentally out of it right now that I can hardly get any of the work done, Im just completely unable to function.

Last night I cut myself. Not in an effort to kill myself just in effort to feel some pain. I started small with just two lines but that turned into several more and I end up trying to make a little design out of it. Everything just sucks right now. I should call my counselor she is the only person I can be honest with anymore. My whole family knows about my issues now which I didn't want them to know to start with. They are the majority of the reason I was depressed anyways. Now there all up in my business and call me 10 times a day all asking the same retarded questions. I cant believe Lindsey betrayed me like that, all because she was stressed out or at least thats what she claims. Did she not think about the consequences it would have for me.

Uh I just want these next few weeks to get over with, get my school work done and go home and get my back surgery taken care of. Then maybe I can get back up here and start over.

Well I guess it's time for a new blog, there are a lot of updates and happenings since the last.

To start with thursday last week I began a break down. I crashed all weekend and saturday night things went really bad. I was fully prepared to end it all, I was done with it and I just didn't want to suffer any more. The only thing that stopped me was my roommate. She new I was down, but didn't realize how bad it was till later when I told her. Anyways she knew i was down and she sent me a text saying that she was worried about me and that she cared for me, then she sent one asking me to promise her that i wouldn't do anything stupid and that I would be ok. It was at that point that I really realized that I had someone that loved me and decided not to do it. I told her what happened the next day and she couldn't believe it. I broke down in tears when I began telling her and she was right there to support me and gave me the best hug i have ever had. She couldn't believe that her simple action had the results they did. She sat with me while I called my therapist to tell her what happened and talk through it. I made the promise to Lindsey that I wouldn't hurt myself and that if I felt like I was going to I would come to her immediately so she could get me somewhere safe. I put it in writing to her in a long ass letter that I wrote to her, she read the letter and the card that was with it and began to cry, she came in my room with tears rolling down her face and I started balling with her. She saved my life and has been there for me when I needed her the most and I can never repay her for what she has done for me.

I went to therapy on tuesday, and we talked about what happened over the weekend some more. We discussed the fact that if I had done something stupid it was going to involve eating a bullet and she asked me to get rid of the gun or at least do something so that I couldn't use it. So I agreed to take it apart and give some of the pieces to Lindsey for her to hide from me. As soon as she got home from work I did that and felt better afterwards, it actually gave me a small sense of power that I could overcome that and take measures to make sure I dont get in that situation again. I just cant thank Lindsey enough for the strength she has shown with all of this also. I have dropped this all in her lap and she has been totally supportive and willing to help. Even going as far as hiding the pills from me and only giving me what I'm supposed to take and now having the responsibility of hiding parts of a handgun in her room so I cant take that final step. Seriously how awesome is she. We talked about some other things and she gave me her input on diagnosis, Major clinical depression, already knew that though. She explained her plan for treatment which is cognitive behavioral therapy. She gave some literature on it and suggested that if I was willing to try antidepressants also that it would be a big help so I have an appointment for tuesday to see a doctor about that. Ironically the doctor I was referred to is the same doctor that gave me all those pills that I had to give Lindsey because I was taking way more than I should. She gave me some homework for the week. I am supposed to track my sleep pattern for the week and I will be doing that for several weeks. She also had me make a list with one activity for each day that I enjoy or might get pleasure from. I'm supposed to try and accomplish them all but she said if I only got 1 or 2 done then that was fine that I have to start somewhere and things are bad enough right now that I find pleasure in almost nothing. So far I think I have actually accomplished 3 of the things. I'm not feeling better by any means but Im taking each day one at a time.

I was supposed to go visit my grandparents this weekend but I didn't go because i lacked the will to drive there. I also felt as if I may have been tempted to swerve into a bridge pilling at high speed so I figured staying home would be better. Lindsey encouraged it also when I mentioned bridge pilling and high speed. It hasn't been a horrible weekend, she got me out f the house fr a while today. Went out shopping for a bit and then to see a movie, The other Boleyn Sister, it was a total chick flick but I didn't care it got me away from here and I was with her. She is like my safety blanket.

I have a lot to work on but with time I'm hoping things will improve. I have told all my professors what is going on because I was missing a lot of class and monday I was sitting in a class and before it started I freaked out and left. I couldn't sit there I was to much of a wreck. THey have all been very supportive and encouraged me to take time for myself and not worry about the classes that my health is more important. SO at least that has all been positive for me. But anyways I have typed enough for now. I just took some tylenol pm and can feel it starting to work so Im going to crash. I will talk to you all later.

New blog time.

I started therapy on wednesday. It wasn't really a therapy session though it was more of an interview and discussion of why I was seeking help and a history of my life. I wasnt expecting much from it since it was the first session and i didn't get anything from it. The therapist is really nice, and she did reassure me that my actions so far of getting started and the forwardness of my answers were things that demonstrated my true desire to get help and get better. We discussed a lot of things and she was going to go through all of my stuff and have somewhat of a treatment plan developed for me next week but she said she would be asking so more questions based off the answers I already provided. She even gave me h/w already. She wants me to make a small list of activities that I can do when im feeling down that can give me little pick me ups. We tried to start it in the office but I have lost interest in almost everything that I once found pleasurable so it was tough. So we are going to work on that next week instead.

I was hoping that by starting all of this I would feel a little better but today was one of the worst days I've had recently. I didn't even want to expose myself to the outside world. Skipped class today which was stupid since we had a midterm review but i couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. The only reason I finally did anything is because it was pouring and the only school friend I have asked me if I could pick her up from class so I did. Then I went and got a hair cut and tried something new, got my eyebrows waxed and I can say that it didn't make me feel gay and I will be doing it from now on, they look a shit ton better. But once I was home I was back in my lonely world of gloom. I just feel totally hopeless like nothing good is ever going to happen to me and I'm sure it wont. life just really sucks at this point. I wanted to talk with my roommate about some things but only got to for a few minute because her parents decided to stop by for a bit. She will be gone all day tomorrow so I wont get to talk to her then either.

Of course I can't sleep, if I could I wouldn't be up at 2 in the morning typing this. My therapist said the first thing we are going to work is the lack of sleep, she said if we can correct that then the rest will come easier, i don't give a shit about the rest at this point I just want to sleep. I'm going t call her tomorrow and talk to her about somethings. Lindsey strongly suggested and I agreed with her that she should know about my incident the other day with taking more pills than I should have. I got a prescription friday for hydrocodone and soma because of my back. By saturday afternoon I was already abusing them, I took 6 pills crushed up in an hour time period, I was completely toasted. Lindsey could tell but she didn't say anything about it at first. I went with her to a local coffee shoo to study, I was going in and out of it the whole time but I wasn't sitting with her so she didn't see that. In the car on the way home I told her what I did and knowing that I would do it again the first thing I did when I got home was grab the bottles and gave them to her. She hid them in her rom and she gives me the pills as I need them and no more than the label says, she is playing pharmacist for me but it's keeping me safe from myself. It really freaked her out at first she was worried about me but we both know that I am stronger than that, although I told her that if I had the pills I would have done it again this morning because it was so bad. I also didn't give the therapist all the information or convey how strong the thoughts of suicide have been lately. i would never actually do it but the thoughts have been strong and occur many times a day. I also want to find out if more than one session a week is possible. I feel so horrible right now that I think twice a week we do me good and so does Lindsey. I would really prefer it, I don't have a ton of money to pay for it but oh well that shouldn't be the first concern, and it's only 22 dollars an hour since I'm a student.

I'm just really down in the dumps right now. I was thinking about it earlier. Ive been here since July and I have only made 1 friend at school, how pathetic is that. Besides my two roommates i have one friend here and I've lived here for 8 months. Maybe that is the reason my friday and saturday nights are spent by myself watching tv. I'm at least proud of myself for going to get help but on the other hand I have this doom and gloom mindset right now and its really getting t me. I wish it was just as simple as getting over it but it's not. Hopefully this weekend will be a little better since most of it will be spent out of the house at local coffee shops studying for midterms next week. Maybe I should do some more writing, I'm not sure that it helped me at all but it was easier for me to get thoughts down on paper and then let Lindsey read them. I didn't have to sit there and say what some of my problems were directly to her which would have been really tough. She actually doesn't know about the suicide thoughts, I wanted to tell her about them tonight but didn't get the chance so maybe tomorrow night or saturday for sure. I don't want to worry her with it but I feel that she needs to know or at least she should know at this point. She should at least know that she is the main reason I would never do it. She doesn't know it yet but she surely prevented it by being there for me when I went to her initially for help. I could never thank her enough or convey to her how much she means to me, I owe her a lot.

Well enough typing for now, I wont even get into how i feel my life has no direction or meaning right now, that is another blog by itself.

I really should make a new blog but I'm to depressed, upset, and lonely right now to care. i just want this pain to all stop, I can;t wait for my first therapy session, it's wednesday and I'm looking forward to it. I want to get help I want to change and get better. But until then I've got some meds to drown my sorrows with. And yet again it's a friday night and looser me is sitting at home by myself, nobody even cares that I'm here, nobody bothered to even ask if I was doing anything let alone invite me along. i would just be a fifth wheel anyways, dont want to be an obligation but it would be nice if someone cared. Fuck this shit I'm going to go cry for a while, maybe the pain will go away for a bit.

So yeah it hasn't been a great week really. My bday was tuesday. My roommates took me out to dinner monday night and then Lindsey surprised me with a trip to a bar Ive been wanting to try. I had a lot of fun and I couldn't thank her enough for it, none of my friends had ever done something like that for me. It was a good night for me I felt a lot better. Then tuesday came and half my family and most my friends never even called made me feel oh so loved and cared about. The only good part of the day was I went for my therapy screening interview, I was there for like 3 hours doing paperwork and then having an actual interview. I think it went well and it made me feel better and somewhat in control to be taking things into my own hands in an effort to get better.

I was pretty good most of the day and started to get bummed towards the end when I realized that a lot of people didn't even care it was my bday. Wednesday morning sucked although I did take one of my new ambiens tuesday and slept for like 10 hours it was amazing i felt rested. I even called up the counseling center to see if I could get the psych test moved up to that afternoon figuring the sooner I get it done the faster Ig et help and I was able to take it so I was happy. I was ok most of the day and then in the evening it all hit again and I wanted to just cry, I felt horrible like the world was crashing in on me. I wound up taking the ambien at 10 just so I would go to sleep and not have to think about things. Today I was bummed and depressed all day, i felt so alone and unwanted. Tonight is no bueno either, I think im going to bed soon so again I dont have to think about shit. I want this shit to stop so bad. I want to right but I lack the motivation to do so. I feel like I have no friends right now, wait I dont have any friends that right. I have Lindsey though she's pretty much all I keep going for at this point. I love her to death but its a friendship thing I wish it could be more. She has the most amazing personality and if I were to ever get married it would be to someone like her. She is driven, motivated, oriented, sweet, caring, loving, compassionate, not to mention gorgeous, just truly one of the most amazing people you could ever meet. I know we will be friends forever.

But anyways I'm outta here for now, I want to take my sleeping pill so I can be gone from this hell for a temporary vacation. I dont even want to go to school tomorrow, this depression has really hurt me in that department, I'm hoping to pass this semester. Anyways all is numb right now so I will talk later.