Ugh spent the last two hours trying to catch a snake I found in my kitchen. Eventually I had to call animal control as it got itself in a position where I was worried it would get stuck behind the stove. I've lived in Texas for seven years without a serious encounter with a snake. It must have come in through the dog door. I really hate the idea of having to keep the door closed, my dog loves to be able to come and go as she pleases, though I have to admit I'm not thrilled by her dropping the ball on our agreement that she keeps the critters outside.

I've heard the being an adult means making tough decisions. While this is true, I think being an adult means making tough decisions and realizing how fortunate you are to have the chance to make the choice yourself.

I have decided to sell my house, after seven years of living here it is going to be very hard, it is what I consider home. The market seems right in this area and my number of classes are getting cut. Add to that the medical bills I've accumulated it is the right thing to do. That doesn't make it the easy thing, but at least I have the choice and at least I'm fortunate enough to have this option.

This means moving in with my mom for a short period where I get it sold and look for a new job. I dread this, but it needs to be done. I feel like a failure. I feel more like a failed 18 year old than a grown successful 34 year old.

Another family member is in the hospital. It is my grandmother and while there is no love lost between myself and my grandmother (she was cruel and hateful to my father), it is a hard thing for my mother to deal with. It just feels like every time things settle down something else goes wrong. It's exhausting.

Can't sleep... what should I do?

Since I've been watching the Vikings this gets stuck in my head every night. And of course I want to do dirty, dirty things to Lagertha.

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold"

And this is the rule I have to remind myself that life follows. I must avoid the spiral and embrace the chaos. I have to remember why I look to Loki, the trickster, the bringer of change.

So I spent most of the wee hours of Thursday morning at the ER. I collapsed twice with no apparent explanation. After five or so hours of testing the best they came up with was that my blood pressure was a little on the low side. *shrug* it's been a crappy couple of weeks.

I posted this in one of the groups, but you know what this sums me up lately pretty good, so here it is as a blog.

Dear Cancer,
You have stripped the people I love from my life. You took my father, you made him suffer his worst fear of dying powerless. You destroyed my mother and broke her will, by taking away the love of her life, she will never be the same and I fear I am losing her to depression and anger. You have ravaged my best friend with a 15 year fight against you, and have effectively destroyed any change she was willing to give us as a couple. And you have left me feeling impotent and useless at times. Fuck you.

This has been the worst week in a long time. If it can break it broke this week, cars, refrigerators, treadmills... and now my best friend finds out she has to start treatments again for her cancer. I feel so worthless and powerless.