- I hate my internet + how slow it is. It makes me want to stab my eyes out. Literally.
- I hate having to pay parking tickets. Especially through my slow internet
- I hate feeling second best, + as though I am missing or lacking something. I hate feeling as though I am missing out as well.
- I hate that my card was declined for payment for things I really wanted.
- I hate feeling all blah + sad.

+ I love feeling accomplished, + I know I will feel that when I have my visa + have paid my parking tickets.
+ I can't wait to get started on sorting my orom again + having it tidy.
+ I'm really looking forward to sleep.
+ I know, deep down, it's only my issues that are making me feel crappy. + when my head goes back to thinking properly, it'll all be good in the hood.
(+ Got my visa!)

Optimism is the key to everything. <3I

+ I'm screaming at the walls but they care not, I'm shouting your name in the dark, but you're as deaf as I am blind. The monsoon's taken over the noise in my head, the hurricane's in my lungs, the tidal wave is in my stomach, the lightning is in my heart. + none of it makes me feel good. The tide has turned, + I feel lost in this coastal town, alone + afraid. I fast forwarded too far, the train derailed far from the station, the passengers are spilling out + fading away, they can't hear the shouts in the dark, the wind snatches the words + tosses them into the bleak night. It went too wrong too fast, + there was nothing I could do to rewind. I paused, but not long enough. The darkness swallows me, + I am lost in this town. The lighthouse offers no sanctuary, the bulb blown long ago.

"I think we should slow down. I can't call anyone my girlfriend, it's too soon for me."

The night's shattered. The calm's gone. There's only a sick churning feeling inside, the fear that I might lose again, that I might lose the one thing that's been so good to me recently. I'm sick + I'm scared. I don't know how I'll win this one if it ends.

Robot Love

This is something I wrote in August '06, but I've never posted it here before. Strangely enough, it's one of my favourite pieces of writing that I've done.

Our first dance was to the sound of the crickets in a sunburnt field, dead grass prickling our legs. Our first break up, your tears ran onto my cheeks as your nicotine-stained fingers held my hair. You told me you'd love me forever. Our first fight, a cigarette burning my hand as I felt the floor fall out from under me. We lay on tarmac + spoke of the years to come, you slid a ring on my finger + said it would be forever. I lay with your head on my lap as I counted your breaths, listening to your heart beat - you're still alive, the alcohol you drowned yourself in not reaching your lungs. You crawled into bed with me, whispering as our bodies intermingled + became one. You told me you loved me as you kissed her, with every breath you were mine. You cried + said nothing was wrong. You lied to me as you told me the truth. You broke me as your repaired me. I don't need a map to see where we went off road, where we lost our way. No directions would have pointed us back. You broke a piece of my heart to keep with you, you said. I never thought you'd keep it forever.

My moon, like the temples above, you are stellar. One word + my heart explodes on the inside. One touch + my stomach melts on the inside. One whisper + my skin shivers like a river. The mountains raise + raise + raise, then crash back down. The ripples of my ribs are smooth beneath your hand. Speak slow, I am dumb around you, mesmerised by what's on the inside. The butterflies are eating me up, they're devouring the darkness inside, the light is escaping + I am burning on the inside. You are the light in the dark, + I follow your lead blindly, vision on the nightable where you left it. You leave me breathless, my lungs are asphyxiated with your intoxication. Take it slow, take it easy on me, my moon, like the temples above, you are stellar.

"Take it slow, take it easy on me." I'm falling + I'm scared. So is he. I guess we can be scared together.

There are three parts of me - the part that wants to lose more weight, the part that wants to stay the weight I am, + the part that thinks I should put a little weight back on. I don't know which part is biggest, which part is winning. It's full out war, but I don't know which side I'm gunning for. I'm confused + it's all I can think about sometimes. * sigh *

Robot Love

With your hand on the plain of my body, you spoke of your past, + I imagined fast forward to our future. You said how much we had in common, + I thought if only you knew, if only I opened up, blossoming like prairie flowers of honesty. A sea of calm flowed inside me as you kissed the mountain ranges of my hips. I'd marched into a labrynth of my own making, but you've knowledge of walking in the dark. I feel small in your hands, comfortable with my unformed thoughts. A fear of the future doused in fog, yet you make me feel so safe. I don't know how these things work, the mechanics of falling in love, but I'm willing to learn. We go home smelling of each other, faint traces still detectable on our skin. They last all through the night, a barrier against the dark.

-----

I am a reflection of a youth misspent. Summer nights spent passed out + long days spend drinking the hours away. Scratched legs from the sun bleached grass + red sunburn from falling asleep under the cloudless sky. Nights spend starry eyed, lost in daydreams + reveries. Time spend bleeding + screaming mingled with time spent throwing my heart at you, only to have it handed back. Years down the line, I am still writing about you, + I still bear the scars of those snatched nights together. I am lost, lost, so lost. I hold up mirrors + see my self in their shattered fractured surfaces, + I wonder how I ever let you drown me the way you did. I'm still struggling to breathe, all these years later.

A ghost might not be able to affect this world, but your ghost is still affecting mine.

-----

Scribbled solitude, drowning in music + lost in the maze of my thoughts. Submerged in a murky boredom, I paint my thoughts over the page. I project my dreams in the hopes that you're receiving my transmission, on a frequency that's meant for your ears only. My body is meant for your hands only, + I wish life came with a remote for fast forwarding + pausing, so we could stay together, + you could pick my frequency. I could be Sleeping Beauty + you could wake me from the loneliness of single beds + nights spent alone.

Robot Love

This sickness called hope is too much to bear, the load is weightless yet overbearing, I'm crumbling like old forgotten buildings, crashing down on the inside. A hollow shell, a cracked facade of a once magnificent home. Age is taking its toll, hairline fractures are appearing + destroying the surface. This sickness called hope is too much to bear, the buildings crumblings with the barest of whisper.

Sometimes, searching for the good can take so much time. Searching for how I've won [because, no matter what happens, I always win] can be tiresome + draining. + sometimes, I don't feel like I've won. Sometimes, I feel like I've lost. But eventually I get it all back together, I gather everything around me, safe in the night like a security blanket. The music washes over me + washes away the fears + the tears, + I'm as good as new.

Sometimes, just when you think it's all over, it restarts. This dirty sickness called hope is too much to bear.

I have to drive to Birmingham in about half an hour, + my wrist hurts for no apparent reason.
Come over for hugs + be my driving companion. We'll overheat together, take tips from my car, a lesson in getting too hot.

Robot Love

+ so, I once again find myself, late at night, refreshing. Refreshing. Refreshing. Staring at a blank page, with a blank stare + a blank heart. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. Yet nothing has changed + I feel far from refreshed. The night air is dank, stark, stilted, drowning. I feel as deflated as an airless balloon, just as grounded + flat. The moments after are given over to submerging in my own salt, no relief floods as they cascade down my cheekbones. Hours later, I pick myself up from the floor. Refresh.

I always fall fast + hard. One bonus though, I get back up again damn fast. I'm tired of false starts though. I think I should just not talk to anyone about my love life ["love" life], that I should keep it a secret, for fear of jinxing it. Keep my hopes to myself so that I cannot be ridiculed when something goes wrong. I'm sure that noone would, but in my mind they might. I guess, in my mind, anything could happen.

Especially the zombie apocalypse.

Robot Love.

The walls expand + constrict, expand + constrict. The blood splatters the ribs, the lungs, everything inside. The cold is replaced with warm sticky red, + the pulse that beat before is oozing down on the inside. You make my heart explode, in the best possible ways.

My body clicks, + I've come to the conclusion that that's the reason I like handclaps in songs; the clicking of my body is like it's own music, + handclaps are the closest thing to it. My wrist, my ankles, my shoulders, my hips, my fingers + my neck. They all click, + click, + click. My body has its own music, + I move in time with it.

I am uncertain if things are really looking up, or if my hopeful optimism is making me see shapes in clouds that are merely clouds, + reading the proverbial cigar as more than just a cigar. I guess we'll have to see how the road twists + bends in front of me, + where it takes me. "Just for tonight, just maybe we made it, it seemed like we want this."

Robot Love

Oh darling, the sounds are deafening, can't you hear them too? I'm screaming at the phone + you can't hear, your deaf + I'm lost. The dark is too dark, I've lost my torch + I no longer care for your words. The hole's getting bigger each time, my methods don't get me out as quick, my pick axe is blunt, I can't claw my way up anymore. I'm falling, sliding, faster each time. I don't know where I find strength, I can't take anymore of this. I'm lost in the maze + I don't know the way out.

The sounds are electric.

Robot Love

Recently, my moods are up + down faster + more times than a prostitute's knickers.
In the meantime though, I'm getting a little obsessed with Lego. Yeah, those building blocks + the people with little yellow heads. That Flickr is a bad place, I tell you. I'm officially obsessed. I really want to go to LegoLand sometime, but I think people might think it's weird. I'd be 23, + going to LegoLand on my own, with a camera. It would be a little weird, I feel.
I'm going to the Wookey Hole with a friend tomorrow, to look at the caves + there's this Dinosaur Garden thing, + a Hall of Mirrors. I hope it's as much as it looks. I think I might bring an extra pair of shoes + socks, coz it said something about wet places. + uneven footing. I worry about the strangest things.
I'm also really enjoying the pictures of what people have in their bags on Flickr. Flickr is probably the place I hang out the most, I get a little obsessed with photography + pictures.
A new job would be nice. A job would be nice. I was "replaced" from the last place I worked coz they were hella busy + I was ill too often. Wooo. * sigh *
I do have my Nintendo belt back though. Always a bright spark, when you can wear retro things. I want a tee shirt with a Lego broken heart on it now. Reckon I can learn to draw well enough to make my own? Nah, didn't think so either!

Robot Love

I'm at the top of the world, with lungs exploding from lack of oxygen. I'm gaining altitude, getting colder, freezing as the seconds go by.

I totally ballsed things up with Boy A. The one I saw lots, + really liked. Because I pulled Boy C [Boy B isn't important anymore], + then messed my own head up, or something. Now, I'm stuck with an infatuation for Boy C that I just wish would go away.
To be fair, Boy A pretty much told me that he wanted to be single so he didn't have to think about anyone else's feelings + that he was fucking off travelling sometime this year. * sigh * Guess I still didn't have to go spend the night with Boy C though. Despite him being fitt.
I'm just trouble all round really.
+ now BookFase isn't working so I can't mail Boy C to ask for my belt + buckle back. Gggrr.
I'm also ill, which I'm sure doesn't help matters.

+ the ground swells up below me, crashing in to me, splintering my diamond heart. Shards fly off in directions, I wonder if I can piece them back together, my jigsaw heart.

.....


It's 1am, past the witching hour, + I'm drunk on my own. The gin's gone, there's none left. I left your neck + my heart bruised, I'm lost in a valley of smoke + there's no light, no guidance, only confusion, no answers + no understanding. Cold looks + questions. There's noone to warm my hands tonight, there's noone, noone. Blackcurrant nails + a bruised heart. Lend me your compass, I desire the North + cold, freeze my heart for noone's using it. Lend me your compass, I need to get my bearings. Lend me your compass, I don't know which way I should be pointed. There's no lighthouse for my ship. I'm lost, oh so lost.


Whoever said things look better in the daylight was wrong.
x x x