By the way, if any of the people on my "friends" list are informing a certain person of what I post on my blog on here, You are a snide fucking cunt who needs to stay the fuck out of what has got fuck all to do with you.
And yes, if you want to tell them that I wrote this, then I'm all good with that, in fact, I'm telling you to.
And yes, if you want to tell them that I wrote this, then I'm all good with that, in fact, I'm telling you to.
Seriously, in the last day or so...
One of my good friends has been fired via text and being that he is going through a possible separation, this fucking blows even more.
My best friend was cheated out of being in the final of a talent competition and being that it had a prize of over £1000 worth of bookings with the promoter and lots of others in the London area, again, this fucking sucks.
I currently have the headache from fucking hell and an upset stomach.
My father in law has been told he has a fucking tumour in his stomach and needs treatment and because of the size of it and his age, they don't want to operate FFS!
Charlotte has only been gone like an hour or so and I miss her already, I just hope she gets what she needs out of it. Between her and Bobby, no one has ever fucking been there for me like they have and I can't stand to think they are having a shit time and I'm not always the best help in these situations, at least the talk we had yesterday they both know that I'm not being off or funny because I'm being a dick and they would put it down to my social problems / AS. I'm just fucking glad that these two accept me for being the problematic lil bugger I am, wish the same could be said for the ones who call themselves my friends.
I'm currently typing this blog post while half watching the Hairspray remake, as fun as this film is (although not as good as the original), it absolutely fucking disgusts me that this was kinda how it was about 40 / 50 years ago ARGH! Seriously, the ignorance displayed in this film is bad enough, imagine what it was really fucking like with no understatements that they won't put into a good time film.
This bastard headache better piss off! I'm drinking lots too to try and battle any dehydration and flush out any crap, but doesn't seem to be working at the mo.
UPDATE
Just spoken to Bobby who has spoken to the host of the night and the main guy above them and although they aren't going to put him back in, the host has said he knows that funny business happened and is absolutely furious.... But the main guy said he doesn't want to do a recount of the votes of anything like that.. However he is gonna get the bookings as they want him to work with the team and the night that put on the whole competition. So it looks like it is all gonna be good in the end, just shit he doesn't get to be in the final week and perform with the live band... which to be honest, he would have pissed all over the other contestants, not that he hadn't every other week but that is neither here nor there.
Bastards, the lot of them!
ERGH! My phone has died on my and I need to go to the shop to hand it in to be checked. Now, I don't know if they are gonna take the phone in and have it sent off or will give me a new one.... I seriously doubt I am gonna get one there and then and will have to wait to get a replacement. Not that I really want the same phone again (Blackberry 9360) but the only thing I can get it is the same fecking phone again :-(
One of my good friends has been fired via text and being that he is going through a possible separation, this fucking blows even more.
My best friend was cheated out of being in the final of a talent competition and being that it had a prize of over £1000 worth of bookings with the promoter and lots of others in the London area, again, this fucking sucks.
I currently have the headache from fucking hell and an upset stomach.
My father in law has been told he has a fucking tumour in his stomach and needs treatment and because of the size of it and his age, they don't want to operate FFS!
Charlotte has only been gone like an hour or so and I miss her already, I just hope she gets what she needs out of it. Between her and Bobby, no one has ever fucking been there for me like they have and I can't stand to think they are having a shit time and I'm not always the best help in these situations, at least the talk we had yesterday they both know that I'm not being off or funny because I'm being a dick and they would put it down to my social problems / AS. I'm just fucking glad that these two accept me for being the problematic lil bugger I am, wish the same could be said for the ones who call themselves my friends.
I'm currently typing this blog post while half watching the Hairspray remake, as fun as this film is (although not as good as the original), it absolutely fucking disgusts me that this was kinda how it was about 40 / 50 years ago ARGH! Seriously, the ignorance displayed in this film is bad enough, imagine what it was really fucking like with no understatements that they won't put into a good time film.
This bastard headache better piss off! I'm drinking lots too to try and battle any dehydration and flush out any crap, but doesn't seem to be working at the mo.
UPDATE
Just spoken to Bobby who has spoken to the host of the night and the main guy above them and although they aren't going to put him back in, the host has said he knows that funny business happened and is absolutely furious.... But the main guy said he doesn't want to do a recount of the votes of anything like that.. However he is gonna get the bookings as they want him to work with the team and the night that put on the whole competition. So it looks like it is all gonna be good in the end, just shit he doesn't get to be in the final week and perform with the live band... which to be honest, he would have pissed all over the other contestants, not that he hadn't every other week but that is neither here nor there.
Bastards, the lot of them!
ERGH! My phone has died on my and I need to go to the shop to hand it in to be checked. Now, I don't know if they are gonna take the phone in and have it sent off or will give me a new one.... I seriously doubt I am gonna get one there and then and will have to wait to get a replacement. Not that I really want the same phone again (Blackberry 9360) but the only thing I can get it is the same fecking phone again :-(
Well, after waiting over a year fro my therapy to start... It's finished.
My therapist believes that my problems all stem from my learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. I think at the moment I'm so upset because I've waited so long for this and fucking now I'm back to the drawing board to wait for spaces for tests and therapy for learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. As this is the area I need help with, they can't help me at the hospital... and means I need to be treated for this in another borough (part of London) and god knows where that is, how long it will take and what it will entail. So after a few weeks of being positive about the ball finally rolling... I've hit yet another fucking snag and have to wait 2 weeks (???) for my now ex-therapist to get in touch with my GP and forward my notes and tell her that I want to be referred for a service that can help me with learning disabilities and / or AS.
i know I want to go private and get my tests done as quickly as possible, but this still sets me back god knows how long. Like anyone that is told they have something but it needs further investigation, until a definite answer comes through, it's the longest fucking time ever.... And I'm bloody only at the start of this.
I know I should be happy that I get this help for free, unlike fuck load of people.... But I've had these problems for over 32 years and I've lost friends because of this, what does it take the get some answers and some fucking help?
The only great thing to come out of the last 3 weeks, if some kind of an answer to what is wrong with me and a start on the right road...... Well, kinda
My therapist believes that my problems all stem from my learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. I think at the moment I'm so upset because I've waited so long for this and fucking now I'm back to the drawing board to wait for spaces for tests and therapy for learning disabilities / possible Asperger's Syndrome. As this is the area I need help with, they can't help me at the hospital... and means I need to be treated for this in another borough (part of London) and god knows where that is, how long it will take and what it will entail. So after a few weeks of being positive about the ball finally rolling... I've hit yet another fucking snag and have to wait 2 weeks (???) for my now ex-therapist to get in touch with my GP and forward my notes and tell her that I want to be referred for a service that can help me with learning disabilities and / or AS.
i know I want to go private and get my tests done as quickly as possible, but this still sets me back god knows how long. Like anyone that is told they have something but it needs further investigation, until a definite answer comes through, it's the longest fucking time ever.... And I'm bloody only at the start of this.
I know I should be happy that I get this help for free, unlike fuck load of people.... But I've had these problems for over 32 years and I've lost friends because of this, what does it take the get some answers and some fucking help?
The only great thing to come out of the last 3 weeks, if some kind of an answer to what is wrong with me and a start on the right road...... Well, kinda
A repost from my blogger that I have access to work... Unlike SG hehe
Where do I start?
After possibly 8 or more medications for depression & anxiety, several attempts to get help in various forms, appointments at a eating disorder hospital, loss of several friendships, daily over reactions, fights, tears, lack of sleep and god knows what else, only half an hour into my second therapy session (that it has taken over a year to start) my therapist Michaela has told me she believes that I have strong Asperger's Syndrome traits and wants to build a case for me to get tested properly. She said I could either get referred now, or build a better and fuller case which will help in the long run. Once this has been done and I have been referred, then I can either go private & get the test done as soon as we can or, wait for an appointment on the NHS... Which could take anything up to a year, like this therapy did.
Just for a bit of information, here is the wiki page on Asperger Syndrome. The main points I draw from this is that it's not the one or two things that people do or have quirky lil eccentricities, it's a combinations of any and all and when the list starts to grow, that's when the suspicion arises and confirmation that something isn't quite right. Over the last few days, I have been thinking about the things I do that have that can be linked to things that Autistic and Asperger's suffers do, here is a short list... yes, this is short.
Eatin problems (I have an eating disorder that I strictly control),
I have specific routines when eating,
Food phobia (trust me, is easier kept simple),
Control issues,
Anger over little things like people not doing things that have been asked of them like washing up, clothes washing, tidying up, but the accepting of bigger "real" problems with no such anger problems like I have with the small problems,
Lack of attention span in 90% of situations,
Short fuse and quick to get to anger,
I have a complusion to tidy up any wires such a phone charger cables, computer wires, leads etc.
Organisation of own possessions ie DVD, magazines, books etc all in chronological, alphabetical order and I get freaked out if they are not, BUT the avoiding of dealing with tidying up of things like washing up and clothes washing, dishes etc,
Obession with things being equal,
Filing on things like papers and computer documents / photos,
Inability to read social situations,
Boundary issues,
A strong dislike of numbers,
Daily confusions,
Spelling & handwritting is awful, as is punctuation. (I only recently was able to take in a retain how to use Your & You're)
Sensitivity to light & sound at certain times,
Sorting products and such in shops... that I don't work in,
Anxiety in crowds & crowded places,
Impatience,
Need for company,
Constant need for reassurance, attention & physical contact.
Need to have packets opened at the right end, especially crisps
Pretty nuts, eh?
I just really know know what to do, it's all kinda up in the air. Have I got it? Am I just an arsehole? What happens if I have it? How will it change me life? Will people view me differently? Will people care? Will anyone actualy believe it? How do I get support? There are just so many questions I'm asking myself that I haven't got any fecking clue on how to deal with. In the rational part of my brain, I know that nothing is really gonna change, it will just be recognised now, which means that the individual symptoms won't be treated as singular things and all my problems will be considered against a bigger picture... If I have AS at all.
This is the test that I filled out while with Michaela last Friday, Asperger's Syndrome test. There are others online, but this seems to be the standard. This is also the test that Simon Baron Cohen (Sasha Baron Cohen's father... As in Ali G / Bruno / Borat / The Dictator etc etc) has put his name to. He was / is the patron of Resources For Autism, which is where my wife Charlotte used to work.
Charlotte has spoken to her Mum about this over the last few weeks (before I was told I might have AS) and Bobby (our best friend) also spoke to Charlotte that they thought I may have AS.
I just don't know how I feel about this. I know that for real, if I am diagnosed with AS nothing will actually change, I will just end up getting the help I need, if I don't then I will get some kind of help because the way I am, isn't considered as "normal". Now, being "normal" is not something I would really ever say I wanted but when you suffer from depression and anxiety, sometimes the only thing you want is to feel like others seem, which is to "be normal".
Not having a good day at work, they are putting me on what is called Correspondence which I did yesterday and actually fecking hated it. I know it gives me time off of the phones but I'd rather actually take calls than do it and for some reason, once they have made their fucking mind up that you are doing it, you are doing it, no choice in the matter.
I'm so sick of feeling like crap and being down, I do just wish I could learn to be happy, not let things get to me
Where do I start?
After possibly 8 or more medications for depression & anxiety, several attempts to get help in various forms, appointments at a eating disorder hospital, loss of several friendships, daily over reactions, fights, tears, lack of sleep and god knows what else, only half an hour into my second therapy session (that it has taken over a year to start) my therapist Michaela has told me she believes that I have strong Asperger's Syndrome traits and wants to build a case for me to get tested properly. She said I could either get referred now, or build a better and fuller case which will help in the long run. Once this has been done and I have been referred, then I can either go private & get the test done as soon as we can or, wait for an appointment on the NHS... Which could take anything up to a year, like this therapy did.
Just for a bit of information, here is the wiki page on Asperger Syndrome. The main points I draw from this is that it's not the one or two things that people do or have quirky lil eccentricities, it's a combinations of any and all and when the list starts to grow, that's when the suspicion arises and confirmation that something isn't quite right. Over the last few days, I have been thinking about the things I do that have that can be linked to things that Autistic and Asperger's suffers do, here is a short list... yes, this is short.
Eatin problems (I have an eating disorder that I strictly control),
I have specific routines when eating,
Food phobia (trust me, is easier kept simple),
Control issues,
Anger over little things like people not doing things that have been asked of them like washing up, clothes washing, tidying up, but the accepting of bigger "real" problems with no such anger problems like I have with the small problems,
Lack of attention span in 90% of situations,
Short fuse and quick to get to anger,
I have a complusion to tidy up any wires such a phone charger cables, computer wires, leads etc.
Organisation of own possessions ie DVD, magazines, books etc all in chronological, alphabetical order and I get freaked out if they are not, BUT the avoiding of dealing with tidying up of things like washing up and clothes washing, dishes etc,
Obession with things being equal,
Filing on things like papers and computer documents / photos,
Inability to read social situations,
Boundary issues,
A strong dislike of numbers,
Daily confusions,
Spelling & handwritting is awful, as is punctuation. (I only recently was able to take in a retain how to use Your & You're)
Sensitivity to light & sound at certain times,
Sorting products and such in shops... that I don't work in,
Anxiety in crowds & crowded places,
Impatience,
Need for company,
Constant need for reassurance, attention & physical contact.
Need to have packets opened at the right end, especially crisps
Pretty nuts, eh?
I just really know know what to do, it's all kinda up in the air. Have I got it? Am I just an arsehole? What happens if I have it? How will it change me life? Will people view me differently? Will people care? Will anyone actualy believe it? How do I get support? There are just so many questions I'm asking myself that I haven't got any fecking clue on how to deal with. In the rational part of my brain, I know that nothing is really gonna change, it will just be recognised now, which means that the individual symptoms won't be treated as singular things and all my problems will be considered against a bigger picture... If I have AS at all.
This is the test that I filled out while with Michaela last Friday, Asperger's Syndrome test. There are others online, but this seems to be the standard. This is also the test that Simon Baron Cohen (Sasha Baron Cohen's father... As in Ali G / Bruno / Borat / The Dictator etc etc) has put his name to. He was / is the patron of Resources For Autism, which is where my wife Charlotte used to work.
Charlotte has spoken to her Mum about this over the last few weeks (before I was told I might have AS) and Bobby (our best friend) also spoke to Charlotte that they thought I may have AS.
I just don't know how I feel about this. I know that for real, if I am diagnosed with AS nothing will actually change, I will just end up getting the help I need, if I don't then I will get some kind of help because the way I am, isn't considered as "normal". Now, being "normal" is not something I would really ever say I wanted but when you suffer from depression and anxiety, sometimes the only thing you want is to feel like others seem, which is to "be normal".
Not having a good day at work, they are putting me on what is called Correspondence which I did yesterday and actually fecking hated it. I know it gives me time off of the phones but I'd rather actually take calls than do it and for some reason, once they have made their fucking mind up that you are doing it, you are doing it, no choice in the matter.
I'm so sick of feeling like crap and being down, I do just wish I could learn to be happy, not let things get to me
The last few days have been a bit weird. I am analysing almost everything and trying to make sense of my moods and need to react in certain ways and would it be because of the Aspergers. Now it's been raised as a reason for my depression, anxiety and moods and such, it makes so much sense to be true, but I know I have to keep an open mind and make sure that I don't actually fixate on it.
It's very weird to think that in a way, I do actually want it to be diagnosed because it will make sense of so so much which in turn will go a long way to helping me & others understand why I am like I am, why I react the way I do and why I have problems with depression, anxiety and such.
I feel like I'm going round in circles right now, ergh
It's very weird to think that in a way, I do actually want it to be diagnosed because it will make sense of so so much which in turn will go a long way to helping me & others understand why I am like I am, why I react the way I do and why I have problems with depression, anxiety and such.
I feel like I'm going round in circles right now, ergh
Well, this week has been pretty bad. Poor Charlotte has lost over 2 years worth of work with a external hard drive crashing. Some of this is backed up on some web site... but there hasn't been a back up done in the last few months and she has no idea if it's still on this site :-(
Not only this, but I went for my second therapy session for my depression and such and (including the hour last week) after 30 mins, my lovely counsellor has a very strong feeling that I have Aspergers Syndrome. This is a pretty deal and hit me hard. I have all the questions like anyone would usually, will it get worse, what can I do to help it? etc etc etc but as she suggested to keep going over the next few weeks with a weekly session to see if where I am going is the best place for me and what we are dealing with. This is not a definite and she wants me go through so more assessments before she refers me for anything to do with Autism. From there I would have teh chance to either wait for a free asessment on the NHS or go private and get it as soon as possible which means paying through the nose.... Which I will do as I want to god damn know why I am the way I am.
On good thing is, Autism is a big part of Charlotte's family and they will know how to support me and help me through this. Charlotte has actually been speaking to Bobby & her mum about me and that she has had strong feelings that I have Aspergers and they agreed, Bobby even brought it up too.
I just hope that whatever I have is identified as soon as poss.... As I have been suffering for so long with learning problems and mood problems, to finally have an answer to why the hell I am the way I am.
Anyways
Not only this, but I went for my second therapy session for my depression and such and (including the hour last week) after 30 mins, my lovely counsellor has a very strong feeling that I have Aspergers Syndrome. This is a pretty deal and hit me hard. I have all the questions like anyone would usually, will it get worse, what can I do to help it? etc etc etc but as she suggested to keep going over the next few weeks with a weekly session to see if where I am going is the best place for me and what we are dealing with. This is not a definite and she wants me go through so more assessments before she refers me for anything to do with Autism. From there I would have teh chance to either wait for a free asessment on the NHS or go private and get it as soon as possible which means paying through the nose.... Which I will do as I want to god damn know why I am the way I am.
On good thing is, Autism is a big part of Charlotte's family and they will know how to support me and help me through this. Charlotte has actually been speaking to Bobby & her mum about me and that she has had strong feelings that I have Aspergers and they agreed, Bobby even brought it up too.
I just hope that whatever I have is identified as soon as poss.... As I have been suffering for so long with learning problems and mood problems, to finally have an answer to why the hell I am the way I am.
Anyways
