Do you ever feel like the world would accept you if you could change the one thing about yourself that you can't?

I have no recovered enough from the dress incident to update! heres what has happened since...

You know how in my last post I said I was glad I had all the bad luck and not the bride? I think I really must be cursed or something because her time came aorund very soon after the event - in the form of her honeymoon.

She was due to leave for sunny Florida on saturday, then on friday I was watching the news when all of a sudden it was revealed that the airline she was travelling with had gone bust and passengers flying with them had been left stranded in various places around the world and there would be no more flights. I was gutted for her. Luckily they had paid for the flight by credit card so could claim back the money they'd paid and find another airline to go with but still they've last 5 days of their honeymoon which is still a bit sad.

Oh yes and a little good news! The day after the wedding my mum and I were were sat starring helplessly at the remains of my dress when all of a sudden we had a breakthrough. it came with a belt! There is just enough material in the belt to fix the dress! Hooray! I was so happy I felt like crying again, I used to scoff at everything that came with a belt but at this moment in time I could not possibley be happier that someone invented them. I actually love them.

Even so it will not be fixed in time for graduation which is on the 26th (argh I'm so nervous!) so I just had to go out and buy a new one hehe. Its nowhere near as expensive (or nice for that matter, but hey it would take a lot of beating) but its pretty, its cream satin with pink and black polka dots and I've really grown fond of it - though I am trying not to become too attached at this moment in time. I apid for itusing the money I maid selling family portraits at the wedding. I set up a mini studio at the reception and snapped family portraits of all the guests, I didn't charge very much because its the first time i've ever doen a job on my own so I just made sure it would be enough to cover printing and postage (about $6 a print) I made £100 ($200) profit! I was so happy I never imagined I'd make that much!

I have another wedding to go to this week. Luckily I'm just a guest this time but I'm still dreading it. Clearly me and weddings do not mix (another jinx?) but hey all I have to do this time is sit there right?

Thank you to everyone who left a nice ocmment on my last post, it meant a lot after all that. I look back now and realise it must have looked a little dramatic and really not that bad considering all the other bad shit going on in the world but I've been waaaay sensitive lately for some reason!

Anyway hope everybody is well and dandy

Prepare for a mammouth Update.

To Begin with, yesterday was my best friends wedding, yes she went through with it and no I didn't object, yet it turned out to be...



Well where the hell do I begin? I shall start with this disclaimer. I am not a typical 'girly girl' I never wear make-up except on smart occasions, i rarely get anything nice done with my hair and I rarely get to wear a pretty dress, so what happens when you try to do all three on the same day... this!

So its 9.45am, 6 hours until show time, I'm sitting in the hairdressers chair getting hair pulled off my face to make photographing the big event a whole lot easier. Queue chavvu hairdressers weilding the biggest can of hairspray I have ever seen in my life about to dump half of it onto my head. Feel like I am responsible for a brand new hole in the ozone layer, but apparently this is needed as its raining outside and my hair has to hold all day. Sitting there feeling like an explosion in a glue factory some woman sticks her nose in and asks how I'm going to get into my dress, Queue the biggest Jinx in the world. 'Well, if the worst comes to the worst I will cut yself out of my t-shirt.' Famous last words.

11.10 am, arrive home, sure enough I did get rained on at the bus stop and hair did hold. Feel like acid rain has mixed with the concoction of crap already in my hair, the fumes are begining to make me feel sick. I grab all the stuff I need, including my gorgeous powder blue dress which is fresh back from the dry cleaners which I've worn twice before and adore. Its the single most expensive thing I have ever purchased with a price tag of £140 ($280) Carefully pack into protective film and head over to the besties where we're all going to get ready together.

12.15 My friend Lucy and I are packed into a teeny tiny room trying for the life of us to get changed, its at this point I pull my dress on and think Jesus this feels tight, and I'd only tried it on on saturday - just before I took it to the cleaners. To my horror my dress had shrunk! I sit there almost in tears thinking my God I can't have put one nough weight in a week for my dress to suddenly not fit anymore surely? Lucy tries to calm me down and says she'll help zip me into it, even if it is going to be a little tight, we yank the zip up then it gets stuck. We tug the dress to try and free the jammed zip and nothing. Shit. No worries, we'll undo it and try again. Zip won't budge. In the next 15 minutesa total of 6 people wrestle with my zip as I try in vain to cover my modesty. At one point we even got the plyers out to try and get a firmer grip but to no avail.

At this point everyone is panicking, so I ring home and tell ym mum to find me another dress to wear. She asks me why and I explain the sad situation. She goes apreshit. I arrive home with my dress stuck around my waist and my t-shirt, its going no-where fast. I get inside and this thing is still going no-where. Its well and truly stuck. only one thing for it. We took the scissors to it, i cried. My mum cried. I was gutted, grabbed another dress and ran for it.

All I can say is, I'm glad it happened to me and not the bride, because that really would have been awful. When we looked at my cut dress today it looked noticabley smaller. The cleaners must have shrunk it by at least 2 dress sizes and they charged me £15 for the privilege. They will be paying I can assure you!

So we all go to the wedding its all lovely, everyone had a great time but then mother nature decides to stick her oar in and make it piss it down with rain in time for the photos to start, the OTHEr job I was there to do. I had already failed as a bridesmaid and here I am failing as a photographer thanks to the shitty weather. Queue more sticky hair product being added to my head and I think, Jesus I'm never getting rid of this hair.

Arrived home late last night too knackered to wrestle with hair so slept with hair still glued in place and half my make-up still on.

This morning I spent an hour and a half in the shower washing all the crap out of my hair. my scalp is red raw and flaing, its disgusting so I'm sitting here with my winter hat on to cover all the crap on myhead.

I am feeling completely defeated!

RIP Blue dress, it was fun while it lasted.

Sometimes, i just can't help myself

Yesterday was weird. Good weird but weird all the same.

It involved travelling to London with my friend Michelle who was auditioning to sing at the conference for all the important high up people who work for her company, I'd never heard her sing before, she's way to shy but when she opened her mouth oh my God she was amazing, she definately deserves to perform at this conference thing.

Anyway the whole thing was being filmed to make some sort of DVD for the compnay she works for and while I was waiting for her and yacking to the organisers and filmcrew one them asked me I'd mind doing a walk on part for them, it was most bizarre to be followed by a camera, especially as I am usually the one who is on the other side.

I got to meet some really interesting people and it also really helped that the event took part in this amazing west London photography studio, being there and talking to how these people had made it into their ideal job helped me to stay motivated with my job searching, especially after all the bad luck I've had with that this week, I now feel really positive again. As does Michelle, her audition went great and she's been buzzing like a bee ever since we got back!

Travelling to London and back in a day is incredibley knackering so I slept so good last night, so good in fact I had a bizarre dream about having sex with Jimmy Chamberlin, is that a weird choice? When I'm awake he certainly wouldn't be my first choice of Pumpkin but they dream seemed to last a good long time so hey, I must have been enjoying it!

This blog reads quite random, I'm feeling that way at the moment.

It's just 6 days until my friends wedding and I've spent the day getting all my accessories tog o with my dress, all I need now is a backdrop for my studio kit as I'm taking family portraits at her reception.

Hope you've all had a good week everyone!

Well I sort of fell off the face of the earth for a moment there. This is because we just switched our internet provider and the new one is completely wank, took 2 weeks to get us hooked up with no contact from anyone on the whole matter, but oh well I'm back now so won't complain.

The last few weeks have been filled with Wii Fit and books - oh and a job interview Haven't heard back from it yet but they were interviewing til the end of the week so fingers crossed that this is the break I so badly need!

Add to that the wedding planning. Remember the friend I told you about in the last blog, the one who is marrying that asswipe? Well I'm remaining supportive and have been helping her out with her last minute plans as well as going out for her hen night which wasn't really my thing but it was sooo good to see her look happy, I seriously can't remember the last time I saw her smile so much, it felt good I went home early though because my eyesight in the dark is absolutely dreadful and I nearly had a fall, didn't make me feel very safe so think I may have to find one of those white sticks to help me in the dark. Anyway the wedding is a mere 2 weeks away and I although I still feel like this...

... I shall bite my tongue.

Hmmm... what else? Not a lot really so I will update again when I actually have some proper news to share with you all.

Love LauraLily

Theres a quote on the SG DVD of the first tour, 'One day you will be nostalgic for now.' Boy that quote has never rang truer for me lately, I am completely stuck in the past, daydreaming of happier times that have passed and friends who are now enemies - not to mention the ill health and the weight gain. Sometimes I wish has pictures of a 19 year old LauraLily to show everyone just so people could actually see what I've lost in the last 4 years.

So whats brought all this on then? Well its quite simply a mixture of things which are all building up to make one big wanky siatuation in life.

Sometimes it feels as though every single friendship I have is one sided. This makes me feel like the bad guy a lot of the time even though its usually me being the supportive friend in whatever circumstances they come to me in. Take note of the following examples:

Best friend number one: She has been my very best friend since we were 4 years old. In one month time she is getting married and ordinarily I would not be able to feel happier for her, but when I ran into her in the street the other day, she informed she had found messages on his phone from his son's mother. Obviously not the innocent type either - this is NOT the first time its happend and clearly not the last as she lets him get away with murder. I tell her she is insane if she lets him get away with this so close to their wedding but all she could say was that when things are good between them, they're really good but she practically admitted she knows he'll never change. So I filled her in on my 2 cents which obviously she understands completely but is going to marry him anyway so I guess I shall just have to bite my tongue for now and ponder whether yelling 'I object!!' at the right given moment is a good idea.

Best friend number two: Best friend number two was my best friend throughout university, she's the only one I plan on staying in touch with but lately she has been really getting me down. We're both unemployed with a bollock load of debt between us, the only major difference is she moved straight from uni to Essex to live with her boyfriend. Now neither of us are having much luck on the job front at the moment even though she was offered the very first job she was ever interviewed for she turned it down because the money was poor (well not that poor but it was by her standards) Now everytime we speak its all about her lack of job and any piece of advice I give her is thrown back at me with some pessimistic remark or another. When I may have secured an interview the other day all she could say was 'how are you gonna afford it' (its for a part-time job) well obviously the answer is by having 2 part time jobs instead of one full time, followed by numerous other remarks at how I will struggle because I don't live in London - even though I am planning to move there as soon as I have a job offer. I've always been really supportive of her and encourage her to the max but whenever I get some remotely good news she always sticks loads of obstacles in my way. Now I love this girl to bits but her pessimism is really knocking my confidence right now, I feel bad enough as it is

Best friend number three: Is my ex boyfriend, not cider boy, the guy who came before him. we've always had a somewhat volatile relationship as we're not affraid to air our difference at each other, but he is one of the best friends i have. Again, its all about his lack of support. He's been having a lot of troubles lately and every night I let him bend my ear about whatever is on his mind and try to help him out as best I can. I'm not having such a great go of it myself lately and would like it if I had someone to vent to, but the usual response I get from his something along the lines of 'put up or shut up' or 'get off your arse and do something about it' - really sound advice y'know? Then the conversation moves swiftly back to him.

Rant over, sorry thats so depressing but I really needed to get that off my chest!

In other news. I'm thinking of getting back with my ex (cider boy), I still have no job but have made some new leads so fingers crossed.

Now in the spirit of internet friends generally being better listeners than real friends, go bring some joy to Rory13 her set just went up in member review, it was shot by tmronin and is frickin awesome, so go help her become pink!

Adios for now good people, if you've made it htis far, thank you very much

Time for an update. Theres been a lack of news - purely because there is a lack of news! I didn't get that job I went for, at least not for now anyway, the guy rang and said they were going to give the trial to somebody else but he would stay in touch as after the company relocate in a few months time he'd like to offer me a post, so for now I am out of work. Sigh. It does really suck, but to be honest I have been glad of the rest after uni and all that came after it, most of my classmates are on holidays or travelling several months so I'm sure a few weeks out work isn't going to do me much harm.

I've been shooting a lot lately, its been fun and keeping me busy which is what I need. I spend my weekdays job hunting and my weekend chasing around the south west finding kick ass locations to do shoots and meeting models, its all really exciting, I don't make any money from it but I love photography so much I would do it for free all the time if I could. I'm going to buy some lights this week, can't wait!

Unlike many, I am not enjoying the usmmer, i find heat really hard to deal with - well maybe not the actual heat but the humidity that comes with it leaves me corpse like most of the time, pair that up with the hayfever and summer is generally not a very happy time for me!

I have a stinking cold at the moment, it may sound weird but I actually like the way I look when I have a cold, it makes me look older and sexier haha, not to mention what it does to my voice, I actually sound like a ten year old so am very greatful for the croakiness that comes from having a cold - every cloud has a silver lining.

On the plus side, summer does bring out the fun side in everyone so I guess on the whole I really can't complain. Let the good times roll!

Hey all.

My interview went really well I don't think anyone has said anything that nice about my work - ever! I have been invited back on the 15th to do a test shoot for them to see how well I work in the studio, I'm a bit nervous but also pretty excited. I spent pretty much all of the last few months of my degree working hard in the studio so I'm feeling pretty confident but don't want to get too complacent.

The girl who already works there is lovely, as is the guy who owns the company so I know I would be happy if i got the job, plus there are HUGE perks involved, but again I don't want to get ahead of myself. So all in all i'd say yesterday was a success.

The big day awaits - Wish me luck!