I am finally mad. Which is a good thing. Until now I wasn't mad at him. I think I was just working through my own stuff, and finally today I am able to focus on what an asshole he was.
I guess it is also because I now know for certain that I called him telling him I needed help on Saturday and he left me there until Monday. He tried to call Sunday, but never came.
I am truly lucky I am alive. And for the first time this past weekend. I felt happy to be alive. It was not a major weekend. As you all know I am not allowed to be by myself right now - in case I get depressed and stupid again - so I was at my dad's and spent time with family and friends.
It was when I was with friends that I realized how much I had to lose. And it was scary I had lost so much of myself in him and in the relationship.
I just never felt good enough (hence the reason why when drugged up I wrote this all over my body in marker). He hated my music, my movies, my friends. I don't know if he hated my family. I know he hated my old apartment. He liked the new one but he also did all of the interior design.
He thought I was fat and complained I wasn't as hot as I was when I was 18. And when I mentioned this site said I would never make it as a SG and that people on the site wouldn't accept me because I was too "normal".
All these things I believed. He took my belief system and value system. I never judged a book by its cover, but he had me so weight obsessed that not only did I judge myself harshly, but also others. I never before had thought to call someone fat or to think they were a bad person if they did have some extra weight. I had never judged them before.
Why did I fall for all of this? Why did I think that I wasn't good enough, when in hindsight I see I was too good for him and that he is a liar?
My only main thing is the fucking. He fucked her and told me all the details. That is what through me into the tailspin. I just couldnt' take it. And after telling me how he had to fake it, and the condom fell off, and yadda yadda yadda...he tells me he cares for her. Why do you have to go that extra mile. His answer? Too destroy all my feelings for him.
And the one thing she can give him that I can't (cause it obviously isn't good sex)? Self-loathing. I don't know if that is of him or myself. But would I loathe someone I love? And why would I loathe myself? I am 28, I have to live with myself for the next 70 years. I have to forgive myself for past errs and faults, cause otherwise I will kill myself, and not mess it i up this time. It is stupid to want someone to have self-loathing.
I guess it is also because I now know for certain that I called him telling him I needed help on Saturday and he left me there until Monday. He tried to call Sunday, but never came.
I am truly lucky I am alive. And for the first time this past weekend. I felt happy to be alive. It was not a major weekend. As you all know I am not allowed to be by myself right now - in case I get depressed and stupid again - so I was at my dad's and spent time with family and friends.
It was when I was with friends that I realized how much I had to lose. And it was scary I had lost so much of myself in him and in the relationship.
I just never felt good enough (hence the reason why when drugged up I wrote this all over my body in marker). He hated my music, my movies, my friends. I don't know if he hated my family. I know he hated my old apartment. He liked the new one but he also did all of the interior design.
He thought I was fat and complained I wasn't as hot as I was when I was 18. And when I mentioned this site said I would never make it as a SG and that people on the site wouldn't accept me because I was too "normal".
All these things I believed. He took my belief system and value system. I never judged a book by its cover, but he had me so weight obsessed that not only did I judge myself harshly, but also others. I never before had thought to call someone fat or to think they were a bad person if they did have some extra weight. I had never judged them before.
Why did I fall for all of this? Why did I think that I wasn't good enough, when in hindsight I see I was too good for him and that he is a liar?
My only main thing is the fucking. He fucked her and told me all the details. That is what through me into the tailspin. I just couldnt' take it. And after telling me how he had to fake it, and the condom fell off, and yadda yadda yadda...he tells me he cares for her. Why do you have to go that extra mile. His answer? Too destroy all my feelings for him.
And the one thing she can give him that I can't (cause it obviously isn't good sex)? Self-loathing. I don't know if that is of him or myself. But would I loathe someone I love? And why would I loathe myself? I am 28, I have to live with myself for the next 70 years. I have to forgive myself for past errs and faults, cause otherwise I will kill myself, and not mess it i up this time. It is stupid to want someone to have self-loathing.
I cannot get the song "Institutionalized" by Suicidal Tendencies out of my head. Specifically the part:
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
to give me the needed professional help
to protect me from the enemy, myself
Went to work today. It was so surreal. Before all of this went down. I spoke to a friend on Saturday about applying for a SG position, I was very excited, but she reminded me that I may actually make it to be somewhere someday where it will come back to haunt me. And that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. I don't know we will see.
So, basically my problem is that I have no self esteem, and thus put all my value onto what a man thinks of me. Makes perfect fucking sense. That and I only go after men who I feel are a challenge. Never based on my feelings for them.
I haven't been single for seven years, one relationship just poured into another. So, I will take some time for myself and figure myself out a little bit.
Oh, and no more self-medicating allowed. Sucks.
And I go to the new therapist tomorrow. I hope she kicks my ass into gear.
Thank you all for your emails, I know i owe a lot of responses. However, I am not home alone anymore. And not for the next two weeks. I am watched over, just to make sure i don't do anything wrong.......
I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
to give me the needed professional help
to protect me from the enemy, myself
Went to work today. It was so surreal. Before all of this went down. I spoke to a friend on Saturday about applying for a SG position, I was very excited, but she reminded me that I may actually make it to be somewhere someday where it will come back to haunt me. And that maybe it wouldn't be a good idea. I don't know we will see.
So, basically my problem is that I have no self esteem, and thus put all my value onto what a man thinks of me. Makes perfect fucking sense. That and I only go after men who I feel are a challenge. Never based on my feelings for them.
I haven't been single for seven years, one relationship just poured into another. So, I will take some time for myself and figure myself out a little bit.
Oh, and no more self-medicating allowed. Sucks.
And I go to the new therapist tomorrow. I hope she kicks my ass into gear.
Thank you all for your emails, I know i owe a lot of responses. However, I am not home alone anymore. And not for the next two weeks. I am watched over, just to make sure i don't do anything wrong.......
Sorry I haven't been around kids, this suicide girl, almost turned into a real suicide girl last Saturday after my post went live. Posted, talked to Eric and found out he had banging behind my back. Lovely, at one point actually told him he was killing me as he told me all of the lovely details about the condom, him faking it and so on. And also when he told me that he actually didn't care about me for the last month of our relationship, but actually cared for her for that month. Thanks hon!
I just wanted to go to sleep but did too much, and then called Eric to tell him I wasn't doing well on Saturday night. He was nice enough to call 911 on Monday morning. I actually survived it.
But I won't be on for a bit. I just got out of the hospital today, and figure I need to get some shit figured out before I keep going on here.
Take care of all yourselves.
I just wanted to go to sleep but did too much, and then called Eric to tell him I wasn't doing well on Saturday night. He was nice enough to call 911 on Monday morning. I actually survived it.
But I won't be on for a bit. I just got out of the hospital today, and figure I need to get some shit figured out before I keep going on here.
Take care of all yourselves.
Thank god the radiator will be fixed today. Thursday night I was up from 2-4 in the morning because of the god damned thing. It was a total nightmare.
I think I have to not drink for a while. I find that with this whole break up that the day after I go out I am just terribly depressed. Which makes sense since alcohol is a depressant. But I went out last night for a few beers with the girls from my old job. Came home took a Xanax so I could sleep and this morning, just very blah and sad.
You know those times when you are fighting against the depression? That is me. Trying to stay busy so I won't be depressed. I figure in an hour I will hit the gym. But I was much better off last weekend when there was no drinking. I was numb, but it was better than this.
In good news however.....
I am this close to becoming a suicide girl. One good photoset and I am in! Very excited. The only bummer is my idea was in black and white, and your first set cannot be in black and white. So, I am trying to decide on my new theme. I know I could do the Alice in Wonderland thing but better, but I was also thinking of some other ideas.
Now it is just a matter of getting a photographer!
I think I have to not drink for a while. I find that with this whole break up that the day after I go out I am just terribly depressed. Which makes sense since alcohol is a depressant. But I went out last night for a few beers with the girls from my old job. Came home took a Xanax so I could sleep and this morning, just very blah and sad.
You know those times when you are fighting against the depression? That is me. Trying to stay busy so I won't be depressed. I figure in an hour I will hit the gym. But I was much better off last weekend when there was no drinking. I was numb, but it was better than this.
In good news however.....
I am this close to becoming a suicide girl. One good photoset and I am in! Very excited. The only bummer is my idea was in black and white, and your first set cannot be in black and white. So, I am trying to decide on my new theme. I know I could do the Alice in Wonderland thing but better, but I was also thinking of some other ideas.
Now it is just a matter of getting a photographer!
I have added a quick photo set in order to keep Yillie on for just a little bit longer......
And of course for all the rest of you too!
I hope to get more up soon......
And of course for all the rest of you too!
I hope to get more up soon......
I woke up with a killer hangover this morning, which was only compounded by the horrible hissing noise that comes through my radiator every night over and over and over. I think I woke up like ten times last night....it sucked!
So, I complained to the super, and he said I have to get a new valve...Fine, except I know shit about radiators. I went to the plumbing store, and the guy must have thought I was a moron as every question he asked I said I had no idea. But do you know what the valve on your radiator looks like?
This means another night of hissing....I think I will take nyquil to go to sleep so I can sleep through it. So Fucking Annoying.
I will admit to not doing well this week. No desire to eat or clean, but I do work out. So, the good thing is I am skinny, just a lot of clothes on the floor everywhere.
I may have convinced cwbuecheler to come up to WP to take pics for the next set, "Heartbroken". I cannot wait, I love the idea!
So, I complained to the super, and he said I have to get a new valve...Fine, except I know shit about radiators. I went to the plumbing store, and the guy must have thought I was a moron as every question he asked I said I had no idea. But do you know what the valve on your radiator looks like?
This means another night of hissing....I think I will take nyquil to go to sleep so I can sleep through it. So Fucking Annoying.
I will admit to not doing well this week. No desire to eat or clean, but I do work out. So, the good thing is I am skinny, just a lot of clothes on the floor everywhere.
I may have convinced cwbuecheler to come up to WP to take pics for the next set, "Heartbroken". I cannot wait, I love the idea!
It was a boring day. Eric did not stop off here on his way home. He does want to see me, I said if you are talking to her then no way. He still contends that it sucked making out with her, but I don't know if that is true. And I guess his friend banged her a while back and said she sucked in bed.
But anyways, since it is a boring day - story time!
Today's story is:
I think I made someone an abuser
This is an awful story, because I really am afraid that I have created someone who will not be an abuser in all the rest of his relationships.
I dated Scott when I was a freshman in college. We met when I applied for a position as a waitress at a Pizza Parlor. He literally took my breath away when I saw him. He sat down and we talked, he worked there.
Later he called an asked me out. Scott was an artist and a romantic. I think he actuallly was the one who taught me to be generous and to open myself up to do cute things for others, because he loved it.
Our relationship did turn tulmultuous, I thought he hung out with a girl too much, and I was in college, he would get a job for a few days and then quit or get fired. So, I think that made him feel bad.
One day we got into a fight, and he threw me into a door and pushed me. Now a little tangent about me.....I have this horrible skill of pushing people past their breaking points. My mother always said I would be killed because I just never stop. I push and push and push, until I push them over the edge. I am just not afraid.... which is pretty damn stupid.
That was the beginning of the end.....once he knew he could scare me into submission, it just got worse. He was smart. He never slapped me across the face. I had bruises on my arms from being shaked really hard or on my upper thighs, but never on my face or where you would see with normal clothes.
I fear that I basically taught him that he could end the fight by hitting or threatening.
I remember two things most clearly:
1. Valentine's Day - We had a nice day, but really neither one of us wanted sex, don't know why , but i got pissy. He also got pissy and I started to cry he raised a wooden keg handle over my head and told me that if I didn't stop crying, he was going to bash my head in.
Now you tell me, how the hell am I supposed to stop crying when you have that over your head....okay stop crying or I will fucking hurt you, probably kill you. Somehow I stopped immediately and things were over.
2. I remember that every time after an incident he would take me to the rocking chair, he would hold me and rock. It would calm me down and I still love being rocked or held in a chair. But I remember thinking it was so odd that I felt so safe in these arms, that had just hurt me so much.
To my knowledge he was no abusive before. I fear that i gave positive reinforcement to make be this way.
I will admit that it took me a long time to not react when someone moved at me quickly. I prepared to feel the blow. And even with Adam, he once gruffly accidently grabbed my arm and I went into a weird thing. Tears came immediately but I held it together.
Much like the virginity thing though, it doesnt' bother me that much now. I think I worked through it. I think this was because I finally told my college girlfriends one night in a drunken stupor and in tears.
The saddest part is they said they knew....but didn't want to confront me. I couldn't believe I thought I had held this secret, but i hadn't. I know my parents probably knew too...I still have the Easter picture, with hand marks clearly on my upper arms. I hold on to it to remember.....
But anyways, since it is a boring day - story time!
Today's story is:
I think I made someone an abuser
This is an awful story, because I really am afraid that I have created someone who will not be an abuser in all the rest of his relationships.
I dated Scott when I was a freshman in college. We met when I applied for a position as a waitress at a Pizza Parlor. He literally took my breath away when I saw him. He sat down and we talked, he worked there.
Later he called an asked me out. Scott was an artist and a romantic. I think he actuallly was the one who taught me to be generous and to open myself up to do cute things for others, because he loved it.
Our relationship did turn tulmultuous, I thought he hung out with a girl too much, and I was in college, he would get a job for a few days and then quit or get fired. So, I think that made him feel bad.
One day we got into a fight, and he threw me into a door and pushed me. Now a little tangent about me.....I have this horrible skill of pushing people past their breaking points. My mother always said I would be killed because I just never stop. I push and push and push, until I push them over the edge. I am just not afraid.... which is pretty damn stupid.
That was the beginning of the end.....once he knew he could scare me into submission, it just got worse. He was smart. He never slapped me across the face. I had bruises on my arms from being shaked really hard or on my upper thighs, but never on my face or where you would see with normal clothes.
I fear that I basically taught him that he could end the fight by hitting or threatening.
I remember two things most clearly:
1. Valentine's Day - We had a nice day, but really neither one of us wanted sex, don't know why , but i got pissy. He also got pissy and I started to cry he raised a wooden keg handle over my head and told me that if I didn't stop crying, he was going to bash my head in.
Now you tell me, how the hell am I supposed to stop crying when you have that over your head....okay stop crying or I will fucking hurt you, probably kill you. Somehow I stopped immediately and things were over.
2. I remember that every time after an incident he would take me to the rocking chair, he would hold me and rock. It would calm me down and I still love being rocked or held in a chair. But I remember thinking it was so odd that I felt so safe in these arms, that had just hurt me so much.
To my knowledge he was no abusive before. I fear that i gave positive reinforcement to make be this way.
I will admit that it took me a long time to not react when someone moved at me quickly. I prepared to feel the blow. And even with Adam, he once gruffly accidently grabbed my arm and I went into a weird thing. Tears came immediately but I held it together.
Much like the virginity thing though, it doesnt' bother me that much now. I think I worked through it. I think this was because I finally told my college girlfriends one night in a drunken stupor and in tears.
The saddest part is they said they knew....but didn't want to confront me. I couldn't believe I thought I had held this secret, but i hadn't. I know my parents probably knew too...I still have the Easter picture, with hand marks clearly on my upper arms. I hold on to it to remember.....
Day Five - But really back to Day Zero
I drunk text messaged Eric last night.
I really wish I hadn't. I wrote that I was drunk, but not drunk dialing and that I knew that he and the girl were still talking, but I appreciated him trying to spare my feelings.
It just drove me crazy, him continuing to lie to me. I don't know why he did. It probably was to spare my feelings, so I wouldn't know that there was a relationship blossoming there, or to drive myself crazy thinking of them together. But it drove me more crazy to have him think I believed him.
I almost thought she had gone up to Boston with him. But I guess she didn't.
The worst part about texting is that I have been waiting for a response. Very stupid I know. But all day I have waited. Well except for when I went hiking which was a nice break from thinking and when I took a nap. But I just thought he would have reached out to me somehow. Tomorrow is the wedding he is going to and then he goes home Tuesday. I can't help but wonder who has hooked up with this weekend.
I keep thinking i should have his stop and get his things on his way home Tuesday, but I am so afraid to see him. I am still not strong, and will admit to wanting him to stop by just so I can see him, even if I lie to myself and say it is for closure and so that I won't have to drag this out. But really I want to see him, though I don't know what I expect. Last time I talked to him he wasn't the man I knew, he was someone else.
It has been a tough weekend.
I just can't wait for this to get easier. It still hurts so much now.
I drunk text messaged Eric last night.
I really wish I hadn't. I wrote that I was drunk, but not drunk dialing and that I knew that he and the girl were still talking, but I appreciated him trying to spare my feelings. It just drove me crazy, him continuing to lie to me. I don't know why he did. It probably was to spare my feelings, so I wouldn't know that there was a relationship blossoming there, or to drive myself crazy thinking of them together. But it drove me more crazy to have him think I believed him.
I almost thought she had gone up to Boston with him. But I guess she didn't.
The worst part about texting is that I have been waiting for a response. Very stupid I know. But all day I have waited. Well except for when I went hiking which was a nice break from thinking and when I took a nap. But I just thought he would have reached out to me somehow. Tomorrow is the wedding he is going to and then he goes home Tuesday. I can't help but wonder who has hooked up with this weekend.
I keep thinking i should have his stop and get his things on his way home Tuesday, but I am so afraid to see him. I am still not strong, and will admit to wanting him to stop by just so I can see him, even if I lie to myself and say it is for closure and so that I won't have to drag this out. But really I want to see him, though I don't know what I expect. Last time I talked to him he wasn't the man I knew, he was someone else.
It has been a tough weekend.
I just can't wait for this to get easier. It still hurts so much now.I got my hair cut today! I love getting my hair cut! Mainly cause I really like my hair dresser. I totally cannot figure out if he is gay, straight, or bi. I think I caught him checking my ass out one time. But I still wonder sometimes....he dresses better than me. I would probably date him. I don't know. I mean I probably say that cause all he does when I am there is listen to me and tell me I look pretty!
But Vincenzo (he is straight out of mafia Italian) decided to straighten my hair and made me promise not to go to the gym and fuck it up. So,I missed the gym today, which sucks, cause in those pics I took last night I could tell that the gym has really been working especially on my thighs!
My ebay account got broken into yesterday....that sucked
I was just minding my own business when all these emails kept popping up about the Louis Vutton bags I put on sale. I went to it, they were asking them to send money orders. I emailed ebay (no response of course) and then just started cancelling them as soon as they popped up.
Annoying!
Day Four of not calling eric. Although I will admit to texting him that pics were done, and then he called, but I just told him I would send them to him via a powerpoint presentation and got off the phone. I think I may still be doing okay
Sorry for disappointing those who had more faith in me.
And finally a BIG SHOUT OUT to Cuphes for doing so well on is classes!
Have fun tonight!
Oh and here are pics of me with straight hair- there are two more under random
http://suicidegirls.com/media/members/1/11/220111/63591/747616.JPG
But Vincenzo (he is straight out of mafia Italian) decided to straighten my hair and made me promise not to go to the gym and fuck it up. So,I missed the gym today, which sucks, cause in those pics I took last night I could tell that the gym has really been working especially on my thighs!
My ebay account got broken into yesterday....that sucked
I was just minding my own business when all these emails kept popping up about the Louis Vutton bags I put on sale. I went to it, they were asking them to send money orders. I emailed ebay (no response of course) and then just started cancelling them as soon as they popped up. Annoying!
Day Four of not calling eric. Although I will admit to texting him that pics were done, and then he called, but I just told him I would send them to him via a powerpoint presentation and got off the phone. I think I may still be doing okay
Sorry for disappointing those who had more faith in me.And finally a BIG SHOUT OUT to Cuphes for doing so well on is classes!
Have fun tonight!
Oh and here are pics of me with straight hair- there are two more under random
http://suicidegirls.com/media/members/1/11/220111/63591/747616.JPG
