So, I had promised hospital stories.

I met quite a few different characters in the hospital.
My favorite though was the guy who was only on our wing until they had space for him in the men's ward (for privacy I will call him J). He was anorexic and bulmic. We got along so well.....staying up late into the night talking and playing scrabble.

It was a good fit only because I had been dieting so hard core when I went into the hospital (part of my attempt to get Eric back). So we talked about how we viewed our bodies and how we viewed eachother. He was there because of his son. He loved his son and didn't want his son to grow up with the same problems he had.

I really took to J. I cried when I left because I didn't want to leave him. I had my mother bring in puzzle books for him, because we always did them together.

The other thing J loved was when I played the piano. I would play it while he waited to digest his food (he wasn't allowed into his room until an hour after he ate). So, I would go play disney songs from the music book on the piano in the big room. It made me happy to see him smile.

He listened to my feelings about not having love and not finding someone to love me back. He told me about how he met his wife.

He shared his handheld games with me, and talked about what it would be like when he left. I left the wing before he did. But I thought of him often.


Then there was an older woman in the wing - G. G looked like your grandmother. She seemed to have the worse case of selfesteem you would ever see. It was in group therapy that she said she was embarrassed she had forgotten a hair appt and thus could never go back (this was also when J. shared the most enlightening view I could have had and I knew I had to get to know him better). You would think she was just older and senile, but on one of our few walks outside she pulled back her wrist band and showed me the hole in her wrist. She has used a pair of scissors on herself. I was stunned.

Later she showed me the ball of dental floss in her top desk drawer - which she pointed out could be used as a stranglation device. I took the dental floss away, right away. The scary thing about G. was that she was there for free on a medicinal test. So, they were taking her off her old medicine and either giving her a new medicine or a placebo. I thought that was scary because if it was a placebo I worried what would happen to her.

Her husband came to visit every day. And she even offered to have the person who hurt me "taken care of". She took to me right away.

My favorite people of course were the orderlies who took care of us. I loved Z. the most. He was very sweet and didn't take any of my crap. He would never let me get away with anything and always pushed me to my limits.

We played Scrabble everynight from midnight till one. And talked about my situation and about who I was. He even decided that I needed spirituality and snuck a bible in. I didn't get to read it. But the fact he risked his job for me meant a lot. He just wanted me to find something to believe in.

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At times I really miss the hospital. It was so safe there. There were no problems, you could just deal with yourself. The support was amazing. I miss that feeling of security.

I miss being taken care of.
That probably sounds weak. But it was nice to just have other people take care of me. And basically love me.

But you have to take on life. You can't hide from it forever!